Alice and I were stalking okcupid when I stumbled across this fine bachelor. Laddies I decided to not snatch this one up so he is still available for the pickings

Name: Asses4Me (real screen name) I'm looking for a girl which also isn't easy to do because of my so called "kink" I'd guess 1% of females might be able to handle what I like.

What is the most private thing You're willing to admit here? I love anal sex...you did ask. And no I'm not gay.

What are your favorite movies? Anything with Cary Grant or Bruce Willis

Let's consider Asses4me for a moment. He is obviously on the site for "activity partners" I mean the screen name says it all. So the guy likes anal sex that is fair enough everyone has their thing. What makes me curious is why he feels the need to defend his sexuality in response to his anal sex. Now perhaps if perhaps the most private thing he was willing to admit was he really likes to take it up the ass I would say sure you should say you want a woman with a strap-on and not a guy...well and you would need a screen name that was ass4you. But I guess he wanted to be crystal clear.

Now his movie taste...Cary Grant or Bruce Willis? Realllly? Thats like saying yeah, I love music you know anything like by Mozart or Tiny Tim.



Oh and last but not least the picture. He says he's 26 but he looks about 12, I'm slightly concerned I might be prosecuted for posting such a picture. Notice the background...A sparsely decorated office with a plant. Is he at work? At home watching porn? Whats especially odd is his smile and by the way he is posed it almost seems as if he is unaware of his state of undress.
And quite a state of undress it is. You know when I take my pants off I go all out. I make a decision on or off and I go for it. I certainly dont stop mid-thigh and then rest my hands akwardly on the waistline as if to say...yeah thats good I'm done removing these...people can see my freshly bleached tighty-whities and thats whats really important.

You didn't think I was going to let the vest go unnoticed. I imagine asses4me preparing for his big photoshoot looking at his closet going what to wear...what to wear. Humm I need something that really shows me off I'll just skip the shirt and go for this striking....OLD NAVY FLEECE VEST. Yes perfect.

This guy will never be mistaken for gay...even with the twink hair no homosexual man would ever be caught dead in that half-outfit.

Labels: Stupid People

One thing I hate (well okay secretly love) about networking sites is getting random messages from people. Take this little tidbit I got today for example...

"wuz up just wanted ask if u smoke green, im bored and all my boys are askeep."

I'm very impressed that he restrained himself from spelling boys as boyz.

Also I am assuming hes talking about marijuana all though I have never heard it called green before (but then again I am tragically uncool).

I'm just curious to how many people he randomly emailed in an attempt to find drugs...that just seems like a bad plan.

Labels: Stupid People

I have a meeting at 9am tomorrow...its 2:07am and I'm wide awake. I think there should be an outlaw on Monday meetings before noon I just can't be trusted to be dressed and awake on Monday's before noon.

To cure my insomnia I decided to open up my boards study guide book, after breaking out into a sweet and a mild panic attack I ditched that idea for catching up on my favorite blogs. This has unfortunately inspired me to write my own for the evening. Her blog was 3 embarrassing ex stories, come on who can pass that up.

Little Willy
I met little willy in college. We would IM and flirt. A couple days before moving out my sophomore year we had our one and only date. In my packed up dorm room we watched a horrible movie that was obviously catered to college boys due to the content of drinking and bare breasts. We made out for a bit before he decided to head south of the border. This is when he uttered the phrase..."You like it like that...don't you?" in a raspy trying to be sexy voice but it still came off as a timid question. It started with a giggle but I couldn't stop, before I knew it I was in a full on laugh complete with gasping for air. He did not appreciate the humor in the situation and left in a huff. No loss there. Well years...like 6 or 7 years later I was occasionally chatting with him again from idle boredom. So we decided to get together for a bit of extra curricular activity. He was a big guy about 6'7 with a large build into the evening it became apparent that his growth spurts had hit everything except his genitals. Poor guy little willy was at best 3" and I'm being pretty freaking generous. Well I didn't know how to gracefully get out of the situation especially since I was at my house I couldn't just leave....so things progress and I'm pretty much laying there like a dead fish while he attempts to work his magic. After about 3minutes of that he goes,
Little willy: this isn't really working for you is it
Me: No, not really
Little willy: I'm going to go...
Me: Ok
He dressed and slunk off again in a similar fashion to our attempted college tryst...poor guy I expect to be sued for his therapist bills any day now.

Mr.Marathon
Mr.Marathon and I had a bit of a summer romance. He was a sports guy. He would get up early to run I would sleep in and pick the chocolate out of his granola bars...it was clear the relationship wasn't going anywhere but we stayed together since school was out for summer and we had alot of free time on our hands...oh and the sex was good. One night we at his apartment doing what we always did at his apartment (wink wink) and in mid-pump he stops and let out a high pitched half-whimper half-cry. He proceeds to pant heavily. This is odd I think to myself usually he has more stamina....dammit I'm not done yet....after being frozen for much longer than expected and given the odd nature of the noise that had excaped him I questioned...
Me: Ummm are you ok...?
Mr.M: ugghhh ahh eeee mmmyyy baaack...tears streaming down his face
He extracts himself and crawls over next to me not able to straighten and lay down he flops on his side unable to straighten at the waist....you know what he didn't get up early to run that morning.

The Texter
Okay kids I saved the best for last and this is by its own right my own embarrassing story. I don't quite remember how I met the texter but I know it was Internet related. He had recently broken up with his long term girlfriend and I was only a couple months off of my big breakup with Ed so we were a perfect pathetic match for pretending we were okay by prematurely sleeping with one another. The texter was the only younger guy I ever dated and we bridged that weird gap where he was still in college and I was in real life land. We had nothing in common and he had a bad nose. I wasn't really into the F-buddy thing but it served as a way to pass the time. The texter lived about 1.5hrs away and me being the girl that I am refused to bother visiting him. One night when I was at home minding my own business he calls and begs BEGS me to come over. I eventually concede and I head over. Lalala one thing leads to another. Afterwards he doesn't really say anything gets up and goes to take a shower. Odd I think, but whatever. Some time passes, the shower stops and I hear a beep on my phone it was...a text message from him...
The texter: I feel really weird...you should just go.
Umm wtf? I knock on the bathroom door....
Me: Seriously....a text message?
The texter: Blah blah blah this isn't right...blah blah blah
Me: Fuck you!
I gather my crap momentarily contemplate throwing his tv across the room to smash his computer (I did not) and instead left unceremoniously. After getting in my car I promptly called Alice because I wasn't exactly sure how to get back to the highway. Although I do have to give the texter some credit it did end my career in casual sex land...well except for Walmart guy but we all fall off the wagon now and again.

Labels: Alice, Bitching, Blogging, Boys, Breakups, Embarassing Stories, Internet Dating, Stupid People, Thoughts

Today’s adventure began by over sleeping my alarm and waking up 5 minutes before I was supposed to leave. This is pretty par for the course in my case but fortunately in a rare occasion of preparedness I had everything ready to go. I quickly brushed my teeth let the dogs out and threw on the same shirt I was wearing yesterday. Thank god I had a full tank of gas.

So I arrive in lacrosse only 15 minutes later than I had wanted to which was still 30minutes early for my train. I called Amtrak and to my surprise the train was running on time. So even in my weakened tired starving state I tell Jamie to skip the McDonalds drive through and head straight to the station. About 5 minutes before my train is set to leave they make an announcement something about a broken rail and re-routing and there will be a 10-15 minute delay.

That’s Amtrak talk for expected to be royally pissed off for the rest of your trip. My premonition was rewarded about 20minutes later when the announcement was made that the trains could not be rerouted and busses would come to pick us up.

Then the train rolls in, everyone that was on the train is now in a tiny lacrosse train station, and surrounding the building in the cold outside. Think of a large scale trapped in an elevator scenario. I do not care for crowds especially the type of crowd that develops from a demographic that either has no car or is too cheep to fly.

Then they decide that everyone that doesn’t have a connection in Chicago should get back on the train. Well I wasn’t on the train in the first place but this got me thinking I should be on there. A clearer announcement should have been made but seeing the leadership skills of the Amtrak team made me realize I should probably just go up and ask my specific question. “I am going to Glenview, do I need to get on the train or wait for a bus?’

This seemed like a question anyone in a name tag should have been able to answer but instead I got a convoluted….Well you could get on the train but its going to be more delayed…so you should really wait for the busses. So I went back to the station and (I think) did what I was told to do and waited for the busses….I waited….and waited…for 2hours more hours I waited…with no seat and holding two pieces of non rolling luggage…surrounded by crying children and teenagers with headphones on absurdly loud volumes.

Finally the busses came. There was absolutely no organization. No announcement of people going here on this bus and here on that bus. Nope 5 busses and hoards of annoyed people mobbed the poor bus drivers who had pretty much just been told to show up and were given no direction.

I ask a random bus driver it seems there are Milwaukee busses and straight to Chicago busses. You know what one lonely stop is in-between Milwaukee and Chicago….that’s right god damn f-ing Glenview. Since all the people from Amtrak seem to have disappeared I ask one of the bus drivers who says to go on the Milwaukee one because the Chicago ones are non-stop. Sigh. Milwaukee is before Glenview so how exactly am I going to make that little jaunt?

After enough time had elapsed for me to buy, breed and train a pack of blood hounds I was able to track down a genuine Amtrak employee. Who said I should have gotten back on the train. Okay breaking point reached. I begin my rant…

“First of all I was never on the train….and then when I heard non-connectors should get back on the train I took it upon myself to ask one of your associates. Who told me to wait for the busses…So I’ve been waiting for the busses and here I am at the busses and you are telling me there is no bus for me?!?” My eyes are scoring at him and I am secretly wishing that I had the superpower of shooting lasers out of my eyes to kill…or at least permanently disfigure him.

“Well I must have missed you then. You can take a bus into Milwaukee and then a train to Glenview…” God knows when that train would have been, probably tomorrow. And really an apology would have been nice.

“Never mind, I say Milwaukee is fine I’ll have someone pick me up there.”

Of course my cell phone service in that patch of Lacrosse is pretty dismal and after 7 attempts I got in touch with my parents. “I want you to pick me up at the Milwaukee Amtrak depot, I don’t know where it is and I don’t know what time I will get there.”

So now 4.5 hrs after leaving my house (if I’d driven I would have been home) I am finally on a moving vehicle set to take me to where I want to go…kinda sorta. Next time I have the bright idea of relaxing on a train and napping my way home…slap me (that’s what she said)

Happy vacation Day 1!

Labels: Glass Half Empty, Stupid People, Vacation

I am an American and therefore will be spending tomorrow morning in a pop-up booth stabbing a piece of paper with a blunt object. No discrepancies for my ballot.

What your not registered? Well if you are in Rochester or (Minnesota in general) you can register on the day of just make sure to bring a valid ID with your current address. For my Minnesota voters (Click here to find your polling place and to view a sample ballot for your area). I'll be seeing you between 7am and 8pm!

Now I made my presidential, senator and representative decision awhile ago but what about those 20something other offices I have to make a decision on? So I spent a few hours looking them up while watching snl's presidential bash. Gotta set the mood you know.

In researching The School Board Member Director 7 I came across the meet the candidate questioner for Marcia Matz. I wouldn't want this woman anywhere near a school, let alone leading one. My goal is not to be a reporter if you want the whole story you can visit my inspiration (To see the source and check out your options click here) but I promise you the quotes I'm pulling are real...

Candidate Marcia Matz - Seat 7

1. Why are you running and why should the business community Support you?
I am running because I want to. Why should the business community support me? Never gave it any thought.

Really? Usually people give a reason why they want to...love of children, learning, god woman give me something here. And if you didn't give any thought to the people you have to work with and get funding from you are going to have a real tough 4yrs.

2. What are the four primary issues facing ISD 535 in the next five years? If elected how
would you address these issues?
I don't know, however, common sense dictates that one would address the issues to the best of ones ability and expect to have people mad at me because they disagreed with what I choose to do.

She doesn't know much does she. But even though she doesn't know what the problems are she has enough common sense to fix them. Just look at how much common sense she has in answering these questions.

3-The school district is looking at a several million dollar deficit in 2009 which the school
board will need to tackle soon after the November election. If elected what skills do you
have which will assist in addressing this enormous task?
I have the skills of having lived on a budget and I know that when your income falls short of expectations, you have to cut out the extra things and go with the basic needs. I believe the various booster clubs should hold fund raisers to supplement those programs that have their
funding reduced or cut.

Oh yeah those extra things left over after last years cut. When they reduced the budget by 20%, I'm pretty sure they gave up the gold plated football helmets last year. But have no fear we will just make them sell magazines and cookies door to door. That will raise the 10million.

4-What two specific ideas do you have on reducing the deficit?
Ideas to reduce the deficit, spend less, or hold fund raisers to increase the funding that the budget doesn't cover.

Spend less very specific.

5) We know the landscape of the workplace is changing. We have more people age 65+ in the workforce and we will continue to see our community diversify in race, ethnicity, and socioeconomic background. What do you feel are the three most critical issues we need to
address in regards to workforce?
I don't understand how this applies to schools

Oh shes right community has nothing to do with schools. We shouldn't teach tolerance and acceptance in school. We shouldn't trouble our precious cookie-selling children with responsibilities of an aging community and increased poverty. No the increased gangs, violence, drug use and hate crimes has nothing to do with falling graduation rates or unsatisfactory preparation for college. No sir that outside community world stuff has nothing to do with schools or education. Oh and workforce? I guess we dont send our kids to school to become part of the workforce, and changes in the workforce certainly have nothing the do with staffing the school. Who needs teachers anways... I mean seriously?!

6- What is your opinion of the Districts five year plan to help eliminate the achievement gap?
I know from experience that some students would rather "just pass" than to worry about higher grades. The gap is not very big in Rochester. A determination should be made as to weather the students in this gap are there because they need academic help or by choice.

Um I don't think she read the plan. I think the "just pass" mentality is what they are trying to tackle. And weather it be from lack of motivation (maybe just maybe due to some of that nasty outside stuff that doesn't affect schools) or poor teachers blaming the kids really doesn't fix the problem.

7-Additional comments
I am new to the area, I have not "taken sides" because I don't know what the sides are. I have little sympathy for people who are upset that the re-drawing of district lines may have their child attending a different school than they planned, if you want the child in a specific school, move into that district.

Yeah its just so easy to move with this economy (oops my bad crazy outside and business stuff that doesn't apply just keeps popping up). Also when you moved to the "good side of town" so your little prince or princess could go to the good school instead of the racier parts of town and then the district changes the rules on you...Id be pissed too and I'm not even a parent. Not to mention that education and schooling is more than academic, it is social, it is security.

Anyways what she was supposed to do in this section is win me over with her spirit to have our children succeed. To keep our schools safe. To make changes to education fiscally and curriculum wise.

I beg of you if you are one of those voters who chooses a pretty name amongst a mass of strangers...please please please (I'm literally on my knees here) don't pick this one. And if you don't want to look it up and want a name to remember in this category MICHAEL BAKER was by far my favorite.

Go Obama - Biden

Go Frankin

Go Waltz

Good luck tomorrow kids!

Labels: Advice, Babies, Moral Outrage, Politics, School, Stupid People, Thoughts

My adventure to depart to Green Bay for the weekend was very last minute. The night before my roommate said she was staying for the weekend and would take care of the dogs so I grabbed my stuff and was out the door.

Originally I was going to stay at Alice's parent's house but after stopping at Hairnet and Heff's house and learning they were going to infamous "club" XS I bailed and stayed with them. I had $15 dollars to my name but we departed and knowing they took credit cards I was confident in my ability to pay for a fun night on the town.

I had so much fun. We played dice I saw some old acquaintances met some new folks that were part of the group and after about 10 shots and five drinks somehow managed to come home with $5 dollars. I'm not exactly sure if I was stealing or perhaps giving blow jobs under the bar but a night out for $10 dollars is priceless regardless of the loose morals it takes to get me there.

And because I'm far to lazy to tell you EVERYTHING that happed I present to you...Random quotes from a drunk night out.

Scene: Very drunk shirtless guy (VDSG) at the bar his eyes are literally just about rolling back in his head. He had already bought a round of shots for my "posse" 15 seconds later..

VDSG: Let me buy you a drink

Ava: Oh, no thank you...you just bought me a shot, I can get this one.

VDSG: I did?

Ava: Yeah, you bought us all shots. -I point down the bar to my group

VDSG: At this point he stumbles a little an leans on a pole for support. "I'm gay."

Ava: Well...its a gay bar... so you've come to the right place!

VDSG: "Yeah I'm gay but...." he stumbles again incoherent mumbling..."Will you have sex with me?"

Ava: exit stage left


Scene: Heff is sitting at the bar when Creepy Alcoholic Guy (CAG) comes up and stands next to him. Oh and you all know CAG he is the one that is usually sitting at the end of the bar with his head down...I don't thing he ever leaves the bar but just passed out in his chair now and again.

Heff: Lights a cigarette and takes a couple drags.

CAG: Are you going to finish that? (Nodding towards the cigarette)

Heff: Well...I AM still smoking it.



Scene: CAG has now started to invade MY space and I am tying to ignore his talking to me. Totally cute wonderful doesn't like to charge me drinks bar tender was flirting with me...well more flirting with my ample bosom. And out of nowhere he reached into my shirt and put two plastic cups in to give me the "Madonna" look...well Madonna but less pointy. So of course this led to many laughs sassy posing and perhaps someone has a picture of it somewhere. CAG comes up grabs a cup and somehow snapped it back at my boob...it was not a pleasant sensation....CAG, ew

Did I mention as the night wore on CAG was taking half-full drinks and pouring them into his glass. My friends and I truly do only go to the finest of establishments.

Scene: After bar close we go to Denny's were everyone is taking joy in trying to set me up with "Mr.Inconvenient" (More on him later). Anyways His friend the birthday boy (BB) was by far the biggest offender

BB: You should sleep with him!

Ava: I am not going to sleep with him.

BB: Aww come on you have to give the boy something

Ava: I don't go around with sleeping with people I just met...well not usually at least.

Heff: Ava's having a bloody Mary

Ava: Heff...Really? (Insert glare of death here)

BB: He can earn his red wings.

Ava: I hate you all.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Birthdays, Boys, Conversations, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends, Stupid People

The following letter was written to my professor regarding her incompetence. I tried my best to be nice...it was a challenge and resulted in the entire letter being written in code. For your reading pleasure I have included my true intentions in italics below the original letter.

Dear __________,

Thank you for sending test 1. I have completed the study guides for this test about 3weeks ago and wanted to wait and take the quizzes as a review when studying for exam 1 once it became available. I can see where it may be confusing to see someone requesting a bunch of tests when they haven't taken the quizzes. I assure you these quizzes will be completed prior to taking the written exam.

Thank you for getting off your lazy ass and sending me one fucking test 19 goddamn days after you said you would mail it. Especially since I have already emailed you 3times on the issue and cc'd your boss. Oh and no I didn't take the quizzes since I had no idea when I would actually have to study the material. I'm an adult with a job and I really feel no need to waste my precious time to study something twice just because you are so helplessly incompetent. Ill get to them when I fuckin feel like.

I have actually completed all the study guides for CLS480 and am now starting on the second study guide of CLS481. And the lack of tests is proving to be very problematic for me. Is there a particular course where exams are done and ready that I should switch and work on?

Look lady this one test really isn't going to cut it. I'm totally done with CLS480 I have I think one more to go but for christ sake this woman moves at the pace of molasses. And really I had to exaggerate a little to prove my point here...to be fair if I didn't have pneumonia for the last week I would have had them done.

I understand that the study guide semester is switching from a one test/final per course to several tests per course. Although I think this is a worthwhile effort from a student perspective if the tests are unavailable it just gives us more work (2 steps forward then switch gears to move back and study for a test on a completely different subject).

So I'm just curious why the hell did you go and switch the program when you didn't have the tests done. And when your realized it took you a month to write one test have you yet come to the realization that maybe just maybe this was a bad idea to roll out? This is a major dysfunctional pain in the ass that I shouldn't have to deal with. This is yet another service I am disgusted that I actually paid for.

I am very concerned about my personal completion of these classes. There are 14 total tests for me to take this semester and seeing as its over 1/3 over and I have not been able to take one, I'm in a bit of a panic. If tests continue to be unavailable what will be done to ensure the students finish their work and graduate on time?

I just want to let you know I have no intention of taking the fall because you are completely incompetent. I will be the biggest pain in the ass you have ever known. And I'll be damned if your moronic actions are going to keep me from finishing in December because I swear I simply don't have another semester of dealing with crap like this left in me.

Thank you-

Go get off your ass and do something

Ava Mazur

Labels: Bitching, Moral Outrage, School, Stupid People

Bad Chemistry Profile: Maybe if I collect enough of theses I can get my money back.

Labels: Internet Dating, Stupid People

Ava Mazur – Presidential Write in

"Because what use is an election season if I havent alienated all of my friends."

Candidate Demographics
Age: 27
Platform: Independent
Experience: Voted in 2 in two presidental elections…otherwise none
Home state: Minnesota by way of Illinois

Ms. Mazur you have been accusing of being a Republican by Democrats and the Democrats accuse you of being a Republican. Why don’t you just pick a side?

I rather not, there is no party I completely identify with so why rope myself into only one option? I rather choose my stance issue by issue.

Do you kill unborn babies on the weekends?

No, but I fully support the right of others to do so. I have never been a poor scared knocked up 14 year old so I really don’t feel qualified to take that option away from her. I do believe in counseling and support for those mothers that would like to give their baby up for adoption…in fact I would like to take some ones unwanted baby. (Prefer no drug additions please). Also on that note I'm a big fan comprehensive sex education and free easily attainable birthcontrol for teens and young adults.

Where do you stand on gay marriage?

Marriage belongs in a church not at city hall. I think marriage as a government institution should be abolished and should be replaced with civil unions entered into by two consenting adults (regardless of gender). If you really want to get married find a priest.

Where do you stand on Iraq?

Ooopsie poosie we really don’t belong there at all. Let’s exit as swiftly and gracefully as possible.

Drilling in Alaska?

Call me crazy but it might be nice to have once state that we haven’t totally tapped. Besides by switching to domestic oil we are just putting a band-aid on the oil issue. Leave Alaska alone.

Going green?

I’m no saint. I have a SUV that gets 18miles/gal, I run my air conditioning like its going out of style and sometimes I throw away recyclables in the trash. Does this make me a horrible person perhaps, but it also makes me your average American. In order for people to really change you have to make being un-green either a pain in the ass or just too expensive. Here are some of my ideas:

• A Dollar deposits on every plastic bottle (bringing you own bottle and hitting the fountain seems a lot easier doesn’t it)
• Government subsidized or free recycling and you have to pay a certain dollar amount per pound of garbage.
• More trains, and more public transportation in general.
• 1 billion dollar contest for who ever can get an actual working green family car (must fit 4 adults and a golden retriever) along with luggage for a 3-day camping trip. No gas and it can get up to 90mph.
• Solar power and windmills (windmills are pretty).
• Get all that packaging off the shelves. Is it really necessary for my cereal to have a bag in a box…cant they just print the label on the bag?

On the bailout:

I would like to live in a country where corrupt companies close and industry that does a good job stays open and takes over their business. They were stupid enough to lend people who couldn’t afford it that money so tough. The loans that are still in good standing can be purchased by other mortgage companies. This is not a place for the government.

What about all those people who are loosing their homes because of predatory lenders?

Umm when I bought my house I got this pretty little contract that told me the terms of my loan…I looked at MY budget and knew I could afford it. If you sign on the dotted line you should have done your homework. I don’t think the government should bail you out either. Go get an apartment save your money and try again later.

On government health care:

I’m not for all inclusive government health care but a sliding scale for the uninsured is a must. There should be coverage for pre-existing conditions and no dropping someone if they get sick. In part of this health care organizations need eliminate waste from their systems, streamline care reduce the patient run around and everyone wins.

On Student Loans:

Government loans for all part or full time students regardless of their income or their parent’s income. Loans require the student to maintain a 3.0 GPA. Repayment begins one year after the student is no longer in school and monthly payment is based on the student’s annual income from the previous year. No payments required for those living below the poverty line. Much like welfare proof that a person is attempting to find a job is required.

Is it true you are harboring illegals under your bed?

No. Last time I checked America was a nation of immigrants. Let’s make it possible for people to come in legally. Those who are illegal and causing trouble send them to jail or to their original country. I’m not saying immigration should be a cake walk it was hard on great-great-great-grandpa Mazur. I’m not one who believes in squashing cultures but I do think that part of being in America requires a bit of conforming. We need your face on a driver’s license so we can tell you are really you. No one is required to get a driver’s license if your religious conviction is so strong you refuse you can take the bus. You probably should know some English. I don’t like inconveniencing the majority for the benefit of a few. Do I have a problem with Spanish being everywhere? Heck no there are lots of people who speak Spanish that is not really a minority in my eyes. So if you are employable, have a clean criminal record, want to pay a bunch of taxes and can communicate effectively come on over, and welcome to America.

Labels: glbt, Health, Moral Outrage, School, Stupid People, Thoughts

Well I knew it was only a matter of time until the next gay-comment happened and today was my day to say something. Hottie Jake (see above) was on Ellen today while I was in the break room. Surprisingly enough they didn't bring up Ellen (maybe they don't know) but rather broke back mountain.

A: Oh I just cant look at him the same after I saw broke back mountain
B: YOU ACTUALLY SAW THAT!
A: Yeah, I saw it, it was horrible!
B: My husband wouldn't even let it in the house....

Ava: I saw it and LOVED it, a heartbreaking love story always gets me.

A & B simultaneously turn and look at me slack jawed...

Ava: Why wouldn't your husband let it in the house? (I ask acting totally dumb)

B: Oh well he knows that people like that are out there but ugh to see it.

Ava: (visible shrug) I guess I just never saw it as a big deal, well I gotta get back to work.

Okay so I'm not going to wait up all night for a noble peace prize or anything but at least I said something.

Photo by Ungaro

Labels: Conversations, glbt, Moral Outrage, Stupid People

I'm not a person who is easily offended. I love a good racist, gay or dead baby joke but people who aren't joking make me about eighteen degrees of uncomfortable.

I was at work today having break with a couple co-workers. The two ladies are obviously friends. They both live in the country a smidge outside of Rochester and are middle aged.

A: Did you see the new benefits updates?

B: No

A: They now have a plan where you and your spouse can just be insured instead of having the whole family plan, its cheaper.

B: Oh...probably spouse or "partner" she said the word like it might infect her with gay-disease.

A: Of course(groans and rolls eyes) What's next?

I was pissed. I wanted to stand up and act like I didn't notice their sarcasm... Whats next? Hopefully gay marriage I would say, hopefully couples not afraid to hold hands on the street or kiss at a table on valentines day. Then spurt off on how its so wonderful that we work for a place that has such benefits because other people aren't as lucky.

I didn't, I sat staring down at my oatmeal.

Now I probably wouldn't be quite as keyed up if this was the first incident. However only weeks earlier the same two and a nurse were in the break room as a news story came on about the recent approval of gay marriage in California.

The ladies squirmed. Saying that's just not right, and I hope it never comes here. Going on to joke how they would never be caught dead going to a gay wedding.

True they aren't saying all gays should be killed or anything but the obvious disregard to homosexual relationships really razzes me. I was willing to let the marriage thing slide since it is a newishly and hot topic but just blatantly throwing their disgust into a conversation about health care seems very unnecessary.

Should I have said something? Probably...and next time
I will. I doubt I will change any minds but at best I will get them to mind their P's and Q's around me and at worst I'll be labeled as that "queer girl" its a label I can live with.

Photo: From Slap Upside the Head

Labels: Bitching, Conversations, glbt, Moral Outrage, Stupid People

This saturday I purchased a Sony Cyber Shot T70.


It sucked don't buy it. I am a very logical thinker and do not have trouble with computer systems, setting clocks or general electronics. I couldnt get this think flash when I wanted to and out of the 140 pictures I took only 3 were clear. I even rested it on top of a book shelf to take a picture and it said it was unstable. Unless its earthquake season in Minnesota. For 279.99 before tax I expected a little more point and shoot to my point an shoot camera.

Also one of my main reasons for purchasing a new camera is that I wanted the feature where I could swap colors in my camera or take pictures in black and white with only one color remaining. I SPECIFICALLY asked for this feature and and my little ditzy sales lady said uh yes and it can...lalalal. Okay well no it can not do that as I sadly found out after reading the manual and cutting through my if this seal is broken you will have a 15% restocking fee.So I had had it after 3days together I was ready to call it quits and face the best buy return isle. One glass of wine for courage and I was on my way. I as plesantly as I could explained to the teenager behind the desk that I am not mad at them but I am very upset and Im sorry if I yell. I did not yell, and as long as I was willing to exchange the camera I did not have to pay the restocking fee.

Then I was escorted off to my camera section were a very nice gentelman helped me choose the camera that did the feature I wanted AND actually walked me through all the features best yet it used the same type of memory card as my old camera. So when all ways said and done I got a $80 refund to my credit card and a camera I actually wanted.

This was my one and ONLY positive customer service experience at best buy.

Labels: Bitching, Glass Half Empty, Shopping, Stupid People

Picture borrowed from patrick lynch.

Today is day 25. I had my last two ciggarets in rapid succession after finding my beloved childhood bear's guts strone from one end of the house to the other.

You would think that after a three weeks of being nicotine free I would be over it by now. Not so. All the web seems to be able to tell me is that now I have a 30% increase in lung function. The only think I could imagine doing with all this extra lung space is filling it with some nicotine.

When I had quit before I dont remember it being that bad. I remember a few days of annoying cravings and then that was it over. Of course it isnt too bad anymore, but every day I get home from work it hits. Sigh...whatev-skis.

Maybe I could start dreaming about smoking to get my cravings out.

Labels: Health, Stupid People

Picture stolen from Kitten on Flicker.

Today I embarked on the most horrid journey ever made for any female. My vacation festivities landed me 5lbs more than my already way overweight self. Pushing me to the point were my snug pants were unbearable to button. After a minor melt down Sunday night trying to find something to wear I went to the mall to buy bigger pants :(

I fortunately found some pants at JC Penny of all places. 50% off twill flat front khakis that are the perfect rise and length I bought two pairs. So I was feeling pretty good. I went to Barnes and Nobel got a Carmel macchioto skinny no whip and read about Jamie Lynn Spears. Who apparently is defending her mom. And truth be told if your going to be a teen parent at least she can afford her kid.

So after my guilty tabloid pleasures i exited the mall where i was annoying behind a gentleman with BO and tattered clothing who was weaving and walking painfully slow. A cab was parked in the middle of the parking lot isle and i was trying to navigate around him and the parked cab. I made me move when he cut me off headed toward the cab muttered "bitch" not so subtly under his breath and spit at me...literally spit at me. Think Tailor Made on I Love New York 2. Fortunately his aim in spitting was about as good as his precise walking skills and he mostly missed me save a splatter on my new shoes.

Now I am all for giving people a pass. Someone speeds by me in the fast lane so be it maybe they have a family member in the hospital then need to reconcile with before their untimely death. I can rationalize that. Cutting me off in line at the gas station fine...maybe they are late for work. Moving out of your way to cut me off, call me a bitch and spit at me then moving back to get into a cab which is already causing me inconvenience...yeah unforgivable.

Labels: Shopping, Stupid People

Blah blah blah insert annoying small talk in here

Ava: im just a jealous person in general
Red: oh
Ava: usually i ignore it though
Red: i cant ignore jealousy
Ava: you a pretty impuslive person in general
Red: i am?
Red: yeah i guess i am
Red: it's just me
Red: u doing anything eventful tonight
Ava: nope
Red: lol
Red: i wanna watch u play
Red: god that was hot
Ava: when did you watch me?
Red: when we were in the middle of a break during sex, dont u remember
Ava: oh yeah i remember
Ava: well if we get together again it would be like that
Red: really?
Red: i just need to be able to afford to come out to you
Ava: im not comfortable being sexual with you

I cant belive Im having to say this again....ewww icky icky icky

Red: what? really
Ava: well you know we arent together anymore
Red: no kidding
Ava: well i dont want to mess around
Red: ok i was just being flirty
Red: I was just curious
Ava: i mean what do you want from me?
Red: a life
Red: a real relationship
Red: i mean a REAL relationship
Red: like living together and everything
Ava: do you really think we can live together?
Red: i dont know
Red: it's hard to say
Red: brb phone

I went invisible after that. Seriously when is he going to get the point. I think Ive told him at least 4 times that we are not a couple. We will never ever ever be having sex again...and no I have no need for you to come live in my house rent free and be a mooch.

Labels: Breakups, Internet Conversations, Stupid People

I found this on Craigslist....I did not edit it in anyway

I need a submissive who understands her role is to become my woman and submit completely to my rule. My wife will wear and act like the wives of the 1950s in perfectly pressed dresses and aprons. She will be the perfect home-maker, keeping a spotless house and making delicious and healthy meals for me each night. She knows to open the door before I even take out my keys, with my slippers and favorite after-work beverage in her hands. She will know that dinner is to be served at 6:30 every day, my feet massaged as I catch up on the evening news, cock sucked and cum swallowed before I can even begin my evening. My wife will act as the perfect hostess to my friends and family. She will stand at the edge of the shower holding the towel she carefully warmed, then rush to the bedroom to help me slip into my immaculately laundered and ironed 1000 thread count sheets before drifting off to sleep.

As Husband, my role will be to remind my wife on a regular basis of her duties to me. When I am horny, she will know to immediately bend over and offer herself to me. I will always remind her of her lower status and humiliate her for her shortcomings (to train her to please me always). I will beat her for any occasions in which she is disobedient, as she is to learn that she will be my woman forever, 24 hours of every day, for the rest of her life. I want her to feel like the slut that she is, so that she knows what it is like to be a woman, to be held down by someone stronger than her, and then to be invaded on all levels...

I love the idea of 1950s clothing, frilly aprons, high heels, those sexy thigh-high stockings with the little seam down the back, perfectly coiffed hair and a permanent smile on her face. I like the image of walking into the house after a particularly bad day at the office, throwing my briefcase down on the floor. I take two strides into the kitchen where my wife is standing at the sink, and twirl her around. In two seconds, she is on her knees, and my cock is out. Her bright red lips surround the head of my cock as she does her best to swallow every last inch... as her long, long black eye lashes accentuate her big beautiful eyes, which fill with tears each and every time I shove my cock so hard down her throat that it makes her gag…

Labels: Stupid People

So im minding my own buisness helping a friend write a letter to her no good ex and we end up doing a little myspace viewing. There at the top of the lists is a bulletin posted from Red. Yeah I know i should have deleted him...thats not the point. Well the bulletin said he had a new blog about about some chick (not me) he did have a small snipit on his myspace one...

"ok, all you guys were right, i was a moron to ever think that this chick was normal. Man, was i off...i cant even begin to tell you how stupid i feel or how used. One day she wants to kill me, the next as sweet as pie..omg she was so sweet to me all day, we kept talking and getting along so well and then i drive my ass to her place pick her up and she's as cold as ice...all the way to my place...she says practically nothing. She gets to my house and wont even let me touch her, which is normal for us to do. But no she is just standoffish and stubborn..whatever amber. And then, her fatass bf calls her at my place and she answers, she talks to him in my house when she knows how i feel about it. How fucking disrespectful is that? Not only that but after i finally lose it and start yelling at her, she laughs in my face and throws the mistakes i ever made at me...FUCK YOU AMBER. Well i've come to the decision, shes now officially gone out of my life for good. I've deleted all our pics, everything. It's all gone. I want nothing to do with this bi-polar chick, i keep finding the crazy ones...i must be doing something wrong here."

Yeah so Im pissed right? Okay I was and I did spend a good hour trying to find his blog on youtube. Didnt find it. I did call him...twice. The second time leaving a very cival message saying I saw your bullien Im not call to yell I just want to know the truth. Then I did something that even surprized me. I left a message on his myspace blog. I basically wished him luck, said you will find the right girl someday and I hoped his heart would heal.

The thing is if Im right and im not sure I am but there was a girl who stayed with him while we were still together....who left her significant other. He complained about her said awful things about her....I knew something was up. He cheated. His drama earlier? Im sure its lies...to cover up whatever he was doing.

Will I ever hear from Red again? I doubt it. Do I care...well not really. You know I can sit here in my pretty suburban house not saving the white trash cheeting boyfriends of the world and feel pretty damn peachy about it.

It is not my job to save people who have no respect for me and no interest in saving themselves. So Red good luck to you. For Ed it took me 5yrs to get him out of my life. You were done in the month. So the next Red or Ed that comes around. Im hoping he doesnt get a second date.

Labels: Bitching, Breakups, Ed, Moral Outrage, Red, Stupid People

This guy has been bugging me forever. Actually upon reflection I did have dinner with him at one point a long long time ago before he turned into a total ass. So Ava why don’t you just ignore him? Well as a duty to my 2 loyal readers I just cant pass up this kind of content.

BUZZ!!!

Ava: hi annoying internet friend

Tiger: cum over so i wont anoy u anymore

Ava:: ahh yes i would want nothing more to come over and fuck your brains out but I have to wash my hair

Tiger: nice

Tiger: wat if i cum over and run my tongue in u

Ava: you wouldnt want to do that my vagina bites

Ava: it has teeth, fangs even

Tiger: ill just bite it back

Ava: oh that would just make it mad then the tentacles would come out and strangle you

Tiger: mmm

Tiger: sounds fun

Ava: well then it starts spitting and it doesnt spit fun things

Ava: think rancid cottage cheese

Note to self: Biting strangling vaginas don’t deter icky men. But a good old fashion yeast infection would do the job.

Labels: Internet Conversations, Stupid People

I park my car and head to the bar.

Skeezy Guy: Hi beautiful

Ava: Hi (curt avoiding eye contact)

Skeezy Guy: If I give you 5 bucks will you give me a ride

Ava: Not bloody likely (exit to bar)

Skeezy Guy: Fuck you Bitch!

So I’m within the refuge of the bar. I’ve been sitting at the bar for about 30 minutes. There are about 9 guys and me. Two tall skinny bleached women walk in they are missing the second half of their skirts. Guys at Bar: Finally we have some ladies here tonight. (One waves them over) Oh this is so and so and so and so….chat chat chat…let me buy you girls some drinks.

Ava: Bartender I need another drink.

Labels: Embarassing Stories, Stupid People

I’m more intoned with the gay world than any straight woman should be. Usually about once a month someone asks me if I’m a lesbian. I don’t really fit the typical “lesbian” stereotype but my constant appearance in gay-friendly venues must make people wonder enough to get up the gumption to ask.

I don’t like this question because it makes me feel weird to “fess up” and say I’m straight and then it invariably leads to a line of questioning of why am I here then. And I get in their weird defensive mood and feel I have to explain myself.

This weekend I had two relative strangers inquire about my sexuality (Within 5minutes of meeting me). Sometimes I just want to strangle them. In my 26years I have never EVER asked anyone if they were gay. EVER! I figure they will either tell me or it will become obvious if and when I get to know them better.

To go with the spirt of my post a clip from the movie Trick. If you havent sceen it you should.

Labels: Stupid People, YouTube