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Just Call Me Granny May 22, 2007 |

Does anyone else get annoyed with old peoples inability to cope with normal everyday activities?

Let me give you an example, my dear little 82 year old grandmother simply can not deal with escalators. She stands at the base with her little foot swinging back and forth like a pendulum refusing to actually step onto the moving stairs. Of course eventually my father pushes her on and everything is okay we can move on with out day.

My mother isn't much better she suffers from computer illiteracy. She has improved over time she now understands how to click on email links but really does not grasp the concept of the internet or ever computers in general. I find this slightly amusing since she works on a computer all day at work, but it is just simply one program she can semi-function in.

Well today I realized what my future children with roll their eyes over. I Gwen a 25 year old college graduate can not deal with modern automatic bathrooms.

The unflushable toilet. I do my business wipe pull up my pants and wait….no flush. Maybe this toilet can not recognize my very wide ass so I do a little booty giggle to perhaps encourage it…no dice. I then turn around to stare down my opponent…it stares me down in an eerie stillness. HA I will get you toilet I will win. I see you weakness you sensor I will get you. I reach up and wave my hand frantically in front of it...nothing. So you want to play it that way huh well take this. Using the pinky finger on my left hand I push down the handle it cramps and strains under the pressure but I don't want to touch it. I suppose I shouldn't be so paranoid since I am the only person in the free world that can not flush an automatic toilet so that handle is most likely quite clean but one can never be too careful. I make it I've sprained my finger but I have flushed to toilet I can now leave the stall.

Of course now I am in the uncomfortable situation of needing to cleanse the flesh-eating virus off I must have recently acquired on my hands so I head over to the automatic sinks. Now these I can't ever work. First of all usually when I do get the thing to finally squeeze out water it's usually of the pressure and volume I would expect when showering at a hotel in a third world country. Of course getting that dribble of water is the hard part. I always see children come up place there hands under the sink and pow water turns on and stays on. This is never the case with me I have found a way to cope and this is the process for hand washing:

Step 1: Right hand over the sensor left hand under water

Step 2: SWITCH! Left hand over the sensor right hand under the water

Step 3: Aquire soap rub into hands sing happy birthday in my head twice as my job at dominos taught me when I used to work there in college.

Repeat Steps 1 & 2 until all soap is removed.

Then I dry…believe it or not I never had any trouble with the hand dryers & paper dispensers go figure.

Shoplifting t the Porn Store May 13, 2007 |

I had my friend Tiff in town for the weekend. Anyways she was in need of any upgrade for her personal vibrating device. Well for guidance where else would she go but into the arms of her friend….me.

Heck in college I used to live above a porn store I have frequented many and know the good ones and the creepy ones in the area. I have also spent a fair amount of money on aforementioned vibrating devices and have some knowledge about what's really good and what's not worth the money.

So we go to pure pleasures (the best in the Rochester area) do some browsing and she chose a very nice model of when I approved. Not wanting to be left out I bought one of those mini-vibes (a first for me) in purple by my favorite sex toy retailer doc Johnson. I would do a detailed review of the toy but well maybe in another post.

Back to the story we go to check out and they of course do the embarrassing batteries in the vibrator to make sure it works…that part does still make me blush. So with naughty goods in tow we head out the door.

I pass through with no problem then Tiff goes and BEEP BEEP BEEP. He calls her back desensitizes her bag and she passes through with no problem. I follow and BEEP BEEP BEEP. He desensitizes my bad now we pass through again BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Ok this is getting annoying I know I didn't steal anything…S shes really not the type. Well the store attending was none to happy about the situation either. He looks at me and says:

Clerk: Well I'm going to have to search you?

ME: Search me?!? You've got to be kidding.

Like I'm going to submit to a cavity search by a creepy middle aged porn store worker…No thank you call the cops and I will request a lady officer. I then went into some I'm sure irrational tirade about how I set off the alarm twice but passed through fine the first time….Yeah I must have sounded guilty

Tiff decided to diffuse the situation and walked up to the guy and opened her purse.

Search the purse of course that makes much more sense. Of course now I've committed to being psycho so I can't just walk up there and show him my purse so somehow I talk him into letting me go through again.

We pass with no beeping. Next time I will have to keep my cool more when being accused of shoplifting sex toys.

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