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Puke-a-poluza April 30, 2006 |

I must preface this story with a little flashback to two days ago. Ed and I had gone grocery shopping because we had no edible food left in the house. Before putting our new goodies into their ice-box home I thought it appropriate to clean out the fridge especially since its pungent odor filled the kitchen whenever it was opened. So Im going through and tossing things left and right. For some reason I paused at a rotisserie chicken from last nightI had no intention of eating it and began to throw it away saying, Do you think this is good? First of all I should never ask a boy that question they will eat anything. Ben begs me to keep it and to appease him I put the icky chicken back into my clean fridge to finish its decay.

Fast forward two days later. I am coming home from the gym Ed had the day off and I call him to tell him when Im going to be home so he can start dinner. Ben answers the phone groan groan, I cant even think about food right now. Oh gag I think his lazy ass has been home all day and he cant even put a freakin lasagna in the oven. But I am nice and let it go saying Ill start it when I get home. I come in the door to find him laying in bedcomplaining. At this point I am operating under the assumption that he is just being a big baby.

But I am the nice girlfriend to so go to Walmart (land of the ugly) to get some Saltines, Pepto and 7up. I come home and Ben is in the bathroomoh the noises that came out of that room I feared the door might blow off. So I eat dinner and let him work it outpoor Ben has not left the bathroom and I am starting to think he might be legitimately sick.

After about 45minutes of his bathroom exile he calls me in. He looks like shit and is panicking. His face is pale his lips are blue he cant feel his arms or legs and is starting to pass out. (Okay so he really was sick how was I supposed to know he wasnt just being a baby.STOP JUDGING ME!) So it takes about 20 minutes to get him into the car and to the hospital. They take us right in. We are in the evaluation room and Ben is trying to tell me something.I have absolutely no clue what he is saying. So I just say dont worry honey we are at the hospital theyll take care of you....you know all that sensitive crap I only pull out when absolutely necessary.

Ed: Mummble mumble mumble

Me: What honey?

Ed: Mummble mumble mumble

Me: Oh yeah hon I love you too. (have no clue what he is saying)

Ed: Mummble mumble puke mumble.

Me: Puke? Oh God he has to Puke!?

The nurse hands me a small bucket like a big cup really like the size of a large fountain soda cup, I put it in front of his face and ....OH MY GOD. Now I have seen people puke before but this was quite a forceful blast out the mouth out the nose, its splashing all over my hands. Ed filled two and a half of those cups. I was yelling at the nurse I NEED ANOTHER BUCKET! QUICKLY! Oh and it was pink..with chunks it must have been that pepto.

So what have I learned? You know you really love someone when you clean the toilet after they have had water-poop for 45minutes and held ridiculously small buckets when they are vomiting and it doesnt even faze you...yes children that is lwhat love is all about. Oh and I even didnt rub it in his face (too much) that I wanted to throw that chicken away in the first place.

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Degrassi (the next generation) Paige is a Lez! April 29, 2006 |

Okay so I am in love with the show Degrassi. I realize that thier target audience is most likely pre-teens but I just cant seem to help myself. I watched an episode last night the premier of this season and apperantly I am way out of the loop. I missed most of last season due to my hatred of charter communications I was without cable until I went crawling back.

Anyways here were the highlights from the show I watched last night:

Liberty: Had a Baby!!! What the fuck? Liberty is little miss goody-goody school president honors society type. She is always preaching at people and is generally the type of person I would like to kick. It wasnt clear who the father was from this episode but I'm thinking it was JT. JT and Liberty are not talking and toby is acting like go-between between them. I was a little dissapointed this wasnt more of a liberty rich episode I mean there was allot more drama that could have been added in. Liberty was far too composed about everything I think it just makes me dislike her more.

Marco: God his hear is looking even worse. The cutiest degrassi gay-boy is so going down hill. He is now wearing his hair in Sean Paul-style dreds...its bad.

Elle & Craig: There is some obvious tension between these too. Love is in the air. (Oh but Craige is dating Manny)

Manny: Shes still looking pretty skank-a-rific. Her new modified shag haircut really isnt doing it for me.

The Band: (Craig, Elle, Marco and Jimmy) have a manager now and he hates Elle and her bad drumming. Basically the band is going to break up and Craig is going to take it on his own because he is such an awsome singer (gag).

Emma: So she was at the premier (all of the clan was in some movie and they all went to the premier) and after the showing she snuck off with the principals naughty son to make out in the theater. Well was she shocked when she saw her step dad (mr.simpson) making out with the new hot lady priniciple. Emma stuggles to tell her mom all episode and finally cracks at the end. Mr. Simpson left the house to stay at Joey's for awhile.

Okay now for the big story line:

Paige: So Paige and Alex have been buddy buddy lately since they have been working together at the movie consession stand. For those of you that dont remember alex she was the brunett bitch that was one of Seans bad influence friends. Anyways Alex has fallen for our fair head cheerleader. They were flirty flirty all night at the premier where Alex was trying to cheer Paige up because she was cut from the movie. Then when they got back to Paiges hous Alex kissed her. Paige freaks out and goes to sleep on the couch. The next day they do talk about it behind the school or something and Paige kisses Alex! AWWW! Anyways Alex's ex-boyfriend sees this I forget his name and tells Hazel. Hazel confronts Paige infront of the whole squad saying, "What is she like your girlfriend now?" Paige of course goes on the defensive saying that it was just a moment she got caught up on and Alex means nothing to her. Of course Alex hears this and is devistated. Well the episode ends with Alex sitting at home with her dysfunctional family and ex-boyfriend who is trying to get in the picture (maybe his name is Jay). She goes out to get some air and there is Paige standing outside. Paige basically says shes sorry and asks if there is room in her life for a silly girl who doesnt care so much what other people thing anymore." AWWW! Alex says, "I think so." Oh so cute. End Scene.

I have high hopes for this season, so much drama I freakin love canadian telivision. Its going to be like Saved by the Bell meets the L-word. Two beautiful worlds collide. Allright Ive wasted far to much time. Im out.

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My Virgin Skin April 26, 2006 |

I am now officially a Bad Ass. Last weekend Alice and I went and got tatoos. They are matching which is admittedly lame but it was more love of the design :P Its a bright pink star with a black outline about a 1" diameter. I decided to get it on my rump because I didnt want it to be something that people would see on a regular basis due to tanktop wearage or bending over.

So Im laying on the table with my butt hanging out in the breeze the buzzing begins my heart races. I consider changing my mind and then he starts. Hey this isnt bad. In fact I wasnt bothered by the whole experience it was almost relaxing in a sadistic sort of way.

So I was prepared for the getting the tatoo pain I was not prepared for the week after pain. My pretty pink star is now a weeping geometrically shapen scab. And due to its location it is constantly rubing against the waist band of my underwear. This flicks off the scab and makes it puss and stick to said underwear. So am I cool yet?

I will post a picture once it has heeled oh and after I have photo-shop'd out my ass-crack.


Dear Old Granny April 16, 2006 |

Allright so my parents were in town for the weekend with my little grandma in tow. Now for those of you who have met my grandma you know she is kinda a hoot. Shes about 5ft tall with the grey fluffy grandma hair 80yrs old. Looks like the type of grandma that you would see in movies stuffing extra creamer and a 50 sugar packets into her purse but that is a whole other post all together.

Anyways we are on our way to church and my mother requests a pit stop and as we pull into the parking lot my grandmother anounounces in a very loud voice, "Gwen honey, you wanna go in for a quick little spray job?" Spray Job ewww. I understand what she means but it completly grosses me out.

I might be able to let this go if it werent such an accurate representation of how my grandmother goes to the bathroom. She is a true believer of toilet "cooties" and thinks that hovering is the best solution to this problem. It might not be so bad if she had better aim but I suppose when you are eighty years old you start to loose ability for such things.

Earlier that day I used the bathroom after her and it looked as if an open casting call for the movie "Golden Showers Girls" had just taken place. It is me and my dirty minded thoughts that takes the term spray job to a whole other level. So I simply crossed my legs and said "Nope Im fine." I wish to never urinate or think of this again.


A Bit of Bitter Babble Returns |

Well I have decided to resurect my blog..which technically wasnt a blog when I had the idea five years ago..before it was "trendy." It is currently a very rainy very boring saturday afternoon. I can not take the dog to the park so he is snoozing on my bed on top of my robe. This is the best possible position for him to ensure that his fur is woven into the fabric thus causing me to be covered with fur the instant I get out of the shower. Because clean wet skin is a magnet for pet hair. Well I know what you are thinking move the damn robe and stop bitching but well we all know thats just not my way.

My computer has a virus this is also pissing me off since I dont know diddle squat about computers. Allthough I suppose I do know that I should have some sort of virus software before downloading a bunch of crap off the internet but as Rory would say "highnsight is 20/20" (side note I should put that on a list of pharses that annoy me perhaps next post) So the moral of the story is that I can get into itunes and morpheus but not really do much allthough the internet is working fine...go figure. If I click on any of my shortcuts to any other programs I get this dr.watson postmortem debbuger faliure and everything freezes up. I thought this virus stuff would get old. The people who make this shit really must not have much of a life. I mean I dont have a whole lot to do most of the time but you dont go and see me causing a ruckus. perhaps next time I am bored I should go spraypaint some kittens or tell some new mother her baby is ugly. Just a thought

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Babies Havin' Babies April 11, 2006 |

So Im at work and I get this email from an old college friend. Now I use the term friend very generously for this story because really she just happend to live on the same floor as me my freshman year and I havent seen her in person since. Our communication has been limited to maybe 3IM conversations and her sending me about one lame friendship foward a week.

So anyways back to this email. She somehow pop'd out a kid. Now first of all I didnt even know she was married let alone pregnant. I think I knew she was engaged like a year ago but whatever. My point is this mass email to about 15people of which I can only assume she has annoyed with endless fowards got this heartwarming message which included her registry information.

Now Im not really expected to fork over cash for this little bundle am I? Im not a terribly cheep person. However I see major issue with sending any type of cash to someone whom I havent seen or spoken to in 5yrs and I find the registry information rather presumptious on her part. I card might be apropriate but Im too lazy besides I dont even know her address. I may bring myself to press reply on the email and say something but I really doubt Ill even do that. Maybe it will piss her off enough to take me off the national "girlfriends" day distribution list. One can only hope.

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Oopsie Tootsie April 09, 2006 |

Okay so Im at water aerobics the other night you know jumping and splashing with all the old ladies having a good time. When all of a sudden it hits me...GAS. Okay I think to myself I can hold this in....just remain calm clench bum. It becomes quickly apperant that there is no way this baby can stay in for another 30minutes of bouncing around. So I miander my way to the back of the pool up against the lane marker. Good I think noone will notice if Im back here. I check the lady to my right....to my left....all clear. And I let it rip and it was explosive I feld the bubbles rumble to the surface. Eh I think that was pretty big I better check around. Lady to right all good, lady to left all goo.....oh fuckin shit who is that. Ill tell you who it is swimming by in the swim lane directly behind me a snorkeler. She must have been about a foot from the blast using goggels to witness it. Oh the shame the embarasment after all my careful planning. And the worst part is Im sure she was wounded by the blast because as soon as she got to the end of the lane she got out of the pool and left. I didnt have the balls to look at her or her expresion but Im sure I got a dirty look.


Hello Stoplight Neighbor April 06, 2006 |

Allright so I have this habit of looking in other peoples car windows when Im at a stop light. What are they doing? Who are they talking to? Are they jammin to the same radio station I am? These are questions that must be answered by starring for frightening long times at them.
So here I am looking at this car and this lady is eating something. Typical enough...but then I realize that its not a candy bar but a silver fork because its not getting any smaller and Ive never really seen shiny food like that. And there appears to be something orange on the end of it. Orange and a fork. Im lost on this car food. Okay so Im at an odd angle so I scoot up on the ass of the car behind me to get a better look. This woman had a bowl.....a glass bowl mind you of mac and cheese.

Now perhaps Ive just been limting my car foods to fruit roll ups and string cheese when really I need to branch out. Maybe sloppy joes would make a good mid destination snack, or crab legs. Does anyone have a taste for ribs at least that doesnt need silverware. Here is my point. If after eating your car food you wish you had a car dishwasher then its time to pick something less complicated.