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Get the Fuck Out of My Way October 17, 2000 |

What exactly do MN drivers have against me. I mean really, you all live in a rinky-dink little town with about two traffic cops why do you find it so nessisary to go so slow. So here's my story, the other day I was late for class, so what else is new. I miss our lovely shuttle bus and jet to my car figuring that if I hurry I can make it in time. I turn out on Broadway and get stuck behind a Big White Lincoln Towncar that looks like its been in comision since 1985. A fadded red "Honk if you love Jesus!" bumber sticker adorns the right side of the crome rear end, and the left side remids me that "If my mother was Pro-Choice I wouldn't have the opertunity to Choose."
So I do what any good Urban person would do, I tailgate the old bastard. I roll down the windows turn up the bass and BLAST the techno. My review mirrors begin to raddel with the beet, I look at my spedometer 20mph. 20? 20! my blood pressure begins to rise, I start to flip through my CD case looking for anything thing where the number of vulgur words is greater than the ones you can say in front of your parents. He began to slow, I slam on my breaks to prevent those obnoxious bumberstickers from being permenently printed on my front end. Why the f*ck is he slowing? The vien in my head starts to pullsate yeah you know the one. Its the one my Dad gets when I tell him that Im dropping out of college selling my stocks to go live with my boyfriend in a third world county because drugs are legal there.
Just as the crawling boat in front of me was about to cross the traintracks the lights start to flash. He slams on his breaks, which is hard to do when you are going 15mph, and backs up litteally backs up! Now okay now I feel like a dumb ass because honk if you love jesus up there doesnt know the rule that if the gates arnt closing yet your are safe! And off course hes about 6 inches away from me so I have to back up to. I look behind me a hottie in a pick-up with an Illionis license plate. I hang my head in repentence to the boy behind me.
So I sit there..glance at my clock, class starts in 2minutes, I cant help but think I could have beaten this train if the slow-poke in front of me would speed it up to a bolstering 25mph. The damn speedlimit is 30mph that gives you the opertunity to go at least 35, or as I prefer it 50. You know how you stare at the back of someone's head in hopes that if you think about it long enough they will spontaniously combust. Well I stared, at the white headed balding little man, probly a priest...that would be my luck. Each passing Train car infurates me more and more, my eyes begin to cross. I search my car frantically for anything that I could throw at him. My name is Ava....and I have uncontroled road rage.
I think road-rage is an in-born trait if you are born within the immediate relm of a urban/suburban area you will get this trait. The point is you have to grow up in this environment it it not something that can be aquired or lost. Now I come from the perspective of the Chicagoland area, when I moved out to school in boo-foo my driving did improve however there are somethings that I simply cant give up. 1. Complete stops are highly unnessisary and should be avoided at all costs. 2. Any turn where you don't squel your tires is unnessisaryly slow. 3. Being passed is an insult, I dont care if I get passed by a farrari being driven by a profesional driver seeing the back of someones license plate get smaller is a discrase I can not bear. I can and do improve but it takes months of small town driving to relax into legal driving laws, the moment I get with a 20minute distance of the sears tower my city driving skills all come back two fold. I find it amusing, well I almost get proud when my friends complain of the lack of "oh shit" handles in my car.
Well I was late for Chemistry, and I got a lowsey parking spot, and I blame it all on that super-senior-honk-if-you-love-jesus-old fogee. Some people just shouldnt be allowed to drive.