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Dairy of the Dying September 30, 2008 |

Saturday night: Slept 15 hours

Sunday night: Slept 17 hours

Monday night: Slept 18 hours

I have not left my bedroom except the occasional bathroom trip of orange juice refill. I had to feed the dogs cereal because they were out of food and the thought of getting dressed and leaving my home was quite simply unfathomable. The second half of my bed is covered in snotty tissue and cough drop wrappers. I really cant breathe very well and am starting to entertain the paranoid notion that I might asphyxiate in my sleep.


Elevator Humor September 28, 2008 |

Cobie, Alice, 2G and I enter the hotel elevator after closing down Jim's time out, and a slight detour to gorge at dunkin doughnuts. Just before the door closes 3 guys come in. They are obviously in town for the game and also drinking. These are jock guys. Think hair greese and an overwhelming sent of Aqua De Gio.

Alice and I share a knowing look about the guys in the elevator and start to giggle. The giggle grows into laughter. Cobie and 2G look at us like we are crazy.

"Why are you guys laughing?" Cobie questions
Alice still laughing, "Ava farted"
"I did not!" I whine...but what could I say after that. I couldnt say we are laughing because we are trapped in an elevator with a bunch of guidos.

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Feline Squatter September 26, 2008 |

So there I was minding my own business curled up in bed waiting for slumber to fall upon me when I hear a horrible cat screech. It had to be a cat the sound was undeniable.

"How odd I think to myself it sounds like it came from the living room." Before I could even finish my thought more sounds from the living room expelled in a series short grunts as two bulldogs arose from their naps and shuffled about unto the floor to investigate the noise.

I get up turn on the lights to grunt and shuffle myself into the living room...and there they are back on their respective couches staring at me.

There is a cat in my house. I swear I'm not crazy I heard it I was not sleeping, hell I hadn't even turned my light off yet.

But Ava how could a cat possibly get into your house? Well friends I will let you in on a little secret I'm lazy. On nice weather days (as today was) the dogs like to go in an out constantly. It makes me feel like a crack dealer having to open the door that much. Fortunately for me one day Belmont charged head first into the screen causing one side and the entire bottom half to become unaffixed from the frame...so its more like a screen flap rather than a screen door. Anyways it keeps most of the bugs out and the dogs can come and go as the please. I thought it was a genius plan until today.

But Ava your two dogs who aren't used to living with cats surely wouldn't have let a feline go unnoticed in your house when you shut the door about 4hours ago...let alone let said cat hang out in the same room that they have taken over as their sleeping quarters. Well friends my dogs are about as lazy and worthless as I am. When I had them at my parents house (who do have a cat) I don't think they noticed him at all. The big fuzzy thing on the coffee table that hissed at them every time they passed by was about as much interest to them as the coffee table itself.

So there I was 3am...every light on in the house shoes on so the feline couldn't attack my feet. I kneel on the floor, look under the chair (nothing), ottoman (nothing) and then couch...nothing. I didn't here it run. It probably could have fit through the baby gate but I wasn't about to go downstairs looking for it.

I have fear that there is a viscous tiger in my house waiting for me to fall asleep. Its probably a ravid bad-ass cat with no fear it would have to be to just waltz into a house covered in dog hair. Its surely just waiting for me to fall asleep so it can attack.

How dumb am I going to look when I leave a note for the petsitter tomorrow "I fed them before I left. Rosa will need her pill when you feed them in the morning. Oh and by the way I think there is a stray cat in my house. See you Saturday!"

Okay so my window is open and it is possible the cat was outside when making screeching noises but still very unsettling indeed. Alice if you don't hear from me tomorrow call the cops and warn them that they will most likely find me laying in a pool of my own blood and cat fur.

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Only Child Myths |

I am a member of the most hated birth order known to man...the only child. We are spoiled, don't have to share anything and are doted even if the even causing doting was something as simple as pooping in a toilet or using a turn signal while learning to drive.

Now some people say or you must have been lonely as a kid...and I say to that fuck no. I always had a lot of friends tons of activities and I knew my parents universe revolved around me so social interaction was never an issue.

My muse September 25, 2008 |

I will side track you from Amanda Palmer mania for just a second to obsess over someone else. Kinley from project runway. Of course rather than being interested in her mind I wish I had body snatching capabilities to replace her brain with mine. She can pull off that 50's look, has those bangs which only look good on 9.7% of the U.S population AND can wear red lipstick at noon and not look like a whore.


Perpetually Single on Purpose? September 23, 2008 |

See my advice on dating is lines up well with Dr.Joy Brown. When getting out of something take some time I think a year is good to make sure you don't go all crazy and possessive before dating. I've for more or less heeded this advice but after two ill fated dates I'm wondering if I've established myself as too easy going and independent.

Date 1: Met the match guy not the best date but I was excited to see him again. After a week or so of stringing along I requested a second meeting which he canceled the day off. Normally this would piss me off but quite frankly my first thought was oh good I can get to that homework tonight. Humm maybe I just wasn't into him either.

Date 2: Not that into him. Period. On paper mister perfect, good job, owns a home has a boxer. But he came off as needing lots of reassurance and his eye contact kept lingering at my chest during the majority of lunch. He was eager for date two but caught me at busy times so no plans were made and he has thusly fallen off the face of the earth. I would have given him a date two second chance at a first impression but I doubted anything was going anywhere with this one.

My worry here is my lack of caring. Rejected eh? Can one really be rejected if they weren't invested in the first place. Honestly the thought of dating just seems like so much more trouble than its worth at this point.

Women's fashion sucks September 21, 2008 |

A couple weeks ago I set out on an endeavor for new jeans. I went to the same place I bought my beloved old jeans. Got the same style, length and size and then another one size smaller. My old pair were a little big but I didn't know if this was because of their age or because I lost a smidge of weight.

I started with the larger size because I wanted to avoid the mental distress of not fitting into the smaller ones. I tugged on the jeans and sucked in to close them. I couldn't breathe and was slightly worried the button might fly off and break the full length mirror in front of me....it was a miracle it didn't crack just reflecting the sight of me in these too tight jeans...think muffin top.
I took off the jeans...they must be miss labeled. No they weren't. Back on the sales floor I picked up two more pairs in the next two sizes. Size one up fit...snuggly but doable, two sizes up fit perfectly. Sigh.
I'm not one to get all bent out of shape about sizes but really? How is it possible I've lost 13lbs and gone up 2 well actually 4 sizes (since its only even numbers)? I took home my new pair and held it up to the old ones. The new "bigger" jeans were actually an inch SMALLER in the waist!
I soon learned that these jeans took the word "stretch" to the extreme. I put on these jeans straight from the dryer and they fit perfectly. Look at the picture taken only 5hours after I first put them on. Yeah its hard to appreciate the scale on here but that's held out a good 6 inches.

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Lucky Kid September 18, 2008 |

So awhile ago I made a bucket-list and I think I've done well enough to cross off no.8. (For the entire post click here)

8- Do something amazing for my parents.

Fortunately my parents are easy to please. For thier 30th aniversary I wanted to do something special. I spent hours scouring through old photos and none of them seemed right. I knew the ones I wanted. Its very rare to find unposed pictures in our house. Most are glamorshots, wedding photos with frizzy hair or school portraits where I alway had something wierd going on with my face or hair. My favorite pictures from my childhood were ones taken at the ripe old age of three. Im wearing kneesocks and gray kangaroo shoes. My dad's hair is messed up and he's wearing prescription sunglasses complete with saftey bar. My mom isn't wearing any makeup but looks more beautiful than any woman in the world and I am of course adorable. The premis of the photoshoot was the trimming of our big rose bush and the pictures alternate between me being with my mom or dad and shoving the big red blooms into thier face. Its just a genuine happy simple pleasure kind of photos...they were perfect.

I wish I scanned them before I framed them because I would love to include them here but le sigh they are now customed framed so that isnt going to happen. Next to the pictures I wrote a little ditty to include. I thought it was going to be hard to write but actually it was something I've been thinking about for awhile so I got the whole thing done in one take. Allthough I did have to edit some things out later for space sake.

Instructions for a bad morning September 17, 2008 |

  1. Don't go to bed until 5am, when you have to be at work by 8am
  2. Switch your cell phone number without updating your work's call list
  3. Turn off your alarm in your sleep
  4. Wake up to two police men knocking at your door at 10:30 am
  5. Relize they are actually looking for you (since your boss called the cops thinking you were dead)
  6. Oh yeah answer the door in a towell...and nothing else
  7. Walk into an all day meeting full of big-wigs (including your boss) 3hours late unshowered and with toothpaste still in the corners of your mouth.


My tumultuous affair with best buy continues |

My tactic for places that piss me off is typically a boycott which lasts anywhere between a day and years depending on how much I like the place...and exactly how perturbed I was as a result of how they wronged me.

My biggest offenders are best buy and charter...but today lets look at our friend best buy. Yes they have done me wrong but when I went to return my camera the last time I got exactly what I wanted...and the camera I should have gotten in the first place and it was even cheaper than the first. Also it goes down in history as the only time a completely sober man asked me for a date. Sure he had a ponytail and worked at best buy but it was a little cherry on top of the customer service Sunday I couldn't help but appreciate.

Just a couple weeks ago I went to best buy where a 12-yr old sold me a supposedly iPhone compatible charger and FM transmitter (it was just a charger with an iPod ready chord)...my car is not so ready for the iPod. Normally this would put me back into pouts-ville but today was a very important day.

I can't believe you guys forgot. Its Amanda Palmer's big solo album release. I simply had to have the physical copy. Of course I was pretty sure this is not the type of CD one could procure at target or walmart and since I live in freaking Rochester,MN my odd music purchase leave me with only one option...crawl back to my arch nemesis...best buy.

I went to the south store that just opened because its closer to my house. I don't want to spoil the surprise but it looks like every other best buy in the history of time. I head straight to new releases...not there. No worries I think they just put the big names out front. I look in the regular section...cant find it. This is the tough part now I have to seek out an employee to help me. Oh my God before I could even look not one but two come to my aid. Looked it up and located the CD (of which they had 4 copies in the back). I chatted with both of them who were very interested in my selection. The girl even wrote down the Dresden dolls and Amanda Palmer on her hand (without any urging by me) and then put the 3 remaining beloved Amanda Palmer CD's right in the middle of the new release shelf at the front of the store (okay so with alphabetical order that's just how it worked out but still rock socks).

Here is where the real fun begins. I listened to my actual physical CD in through blaring Bose speakers and let me tell you it sounds a hell of a lot better than on youtube. The music (instrumentation) is really impeccable, and it was produced by not only my beloved Amande but also Ben Folds. I guess they have a common thread of loathing.

Back to my point...I'm un-breaking up with you best buy...but your still on probation.

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Bad Chemistry Profiles Strike Again September 14, 2008 |

From and actual posted profile sent to me as a potential match:

"I'm a bit below average on the whole 1-10 scale. I am looking for someone to share time with. Someone to keep me company."

Doesnt this guy sound like someone you would like to spend time with? Perhaps the problem is I haven't employed this technique. "Hi my name is Ava, sorry I'm such a hag...would you spend time with me? I have no friends or interests." I'm starting to take offense at chemistry's matching abilities.


Amanda Palmer I love you |

My Dresden Dolls mania continues as I await Amanda Palmer's solo release this coming week. If walking a fine line between ordering it now or waiting and trying to buy it at best buy or some such place. No I'm not downloading it. Not even iTunes legitimate downloading. I want the physical CD and pretty little booklet to hold in my hands so I can read as I listen and sing along. There are very few artists I will go through this trouble for. So in anticipation of Amanda's big solo debut I'm loosing my mind in gluttony and posting all the new videos. They are all connected and tell a story so I highly suggest watching them in order if you feel so inclined to watch them at all.


In my other life... September 13, 2008 |

Someone on facebook posted this link and if you have 20minutes to kill I highly suggest it. http://www.yearbookyourself.com/







Some progress is better than none |

I know its almost halfway through September and I haven't done my monthly boring post about my quest to be normally unhealthy...instead of super-tee-dooper unhealthy. This month was a tough one my goal of only eating out 7times a week yeah it didn't happen at all. When you are out of town EVERY weekend and attended weddings and long weekends with chums its just not happen.

I also have been off the floors at work so sitting at a desk for 8-hours a day wasn't doing me any favors either.

Still that being said I've been continually more cautious, and at least I haven't been eating due to boredom because boredom well it doesn't exist for me at the present moment so thankfully I'm still on track.


Mushmallow |

I went to work today and opened my email as one normally does at work. I get a a little Innocent video on hand washing. 19 minutes of hand washing...yeah I know its important but snoozfest USA. Oh well I watch it.

Starts out innocently enough reason change change be a good person all that sort of stuff. Then of course the lady starts talking about her young son that died due to a nosocomial infection...she stayed with him had no words. Literally heart breaking. So I'm sitting at my desk tears streaming down my face trying not to make a scene.

I wipe my eyes and get up from my desk.

"whoa did anyone watch that hand washing video its so sad"

Mr.Matchmaker comes up and says yeah...when she has no words for her dying son...

Well me miss cool starts balling. Wads of Kleenex were shoved at me and I was called a mushmellow.

I guess its best they know now.

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Supa Dupa Fly September 11, 2008 |

Tonight was a long overdue happy hour. I haven't been out with "the boys" in months and it was nice to see that I showed up with no accompaniment and upon walking in the door was greeted by droves (ok 4) people. Oh and whats better apparently I won some raffle thing for a free night at the Kahler.

What am I going to do with a free hotel stay where the hotel is 3miles from my home I have no clue...maybe I'll have a wild ecstasy and sex party. Of course I have no idea how to procure either ecstasy or sex so maybe a plan B is in order.

Either way back to the story. Normally I have a 2drink happy hour max but I was feeling spicy tonight and having a good conversation with a friend about his torrid love affair so I went for a third.

Shortly after finishing my drink the crowd started to filter out and regretfully it was time to go home. By no means am i drunk but going over my normal Ava-imposed limit made me paranoid. I get in my car and go to make a left hand turn.
The light turns yellow...
out of the corner of my eye I see a cop I begin to break..
Dammit I'm in the middle of the intersection
I speed up
The light is red....


I stare in my review mirror, no lights. Then I realize I'm in the wrong lane, no problem Ill just go around the block. I turn...he turns, I turn again...he turns again...I turn, turn, turn and finally loose him.

Of course by this point I have absolutely no idea where I am. I drive around aimlessly until I find a street I recognize. While I'm straining trying to see the road signs I COMPLETELY run a red light...not a yellow light turning red...like a really been red for a long time light. Nice real nice.
So I dart my head around no cars, none. Thank goodness I didn't kill anyone.

I turn on Broadway and all of a sudden sirens are everywhere 2 cop cars and a fire truck. I turn off my radio..this is it I think the jig is up. No one seems to be getting over but I switch to the right lane even though they are blocks behind...i keep pulling over and realize I am in a turn lane. The cops turned the other way. I'm now driving around a parking lot for no reason.

I head back home where another cop sirens blaring comes from the other direction and turns on my street. They are coming for me there are probably 10 cop cars in my driveway ready to arrest me for my 3beers. He also zooms past me.

My 3mile trip home took about 20minutes.

I would just like to whoever got in a hell of a lot of trouble tonight because you saved me a ticket.

P.S. Date from the other night emailed me shortly after my post yesterday...yeah I know I'm supa dupa fly.

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Silly Ava September 10, 2008 |

I present to you things not to do for a first date...

  1. Accept a facebook invitation where you blog is posted in said face book talking about the potential bachelor.
  2. Get a zit on the end of your nose incapable of being tamed by any concealer (okay maybe this one is a bit out of anyones control)
  3. Don't get nervous and talk too much...like really to much.
  4. At the end of the date when you have that awkward how do I say goodbye moment don't buddy shoulder punch your date.
Sigh I'm out of practice. If I don't get a call back I am blaming that shoulder punch. What exactly was I thinking?


In Love with Priceline |

Alice, Cobie, Cobie's Roomie and I are going to head up a day early for the cubs game in Milwaukee and yours truly took the responsibility for booking the hotel room. So I logged on to priceline average price $168, so I give a total low ball bid of 50bucks and would you believe it they took it! Part of me is excited part of me is kicking myself in the ass because maybe they would have taken less but $64 dollars (including all those crazy fees) for the downtown Hilton sounds like a pretty sweet ass deal to me. These people should really start paying me a commission.

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Funerals |

My boss's mom passed away this Monday...the funeral and wake are this week and it seems many a person from work are attending. I plan not to go because well I met her once for about 30 seconds and I hate....loath...no detest funerals. I signed the card and contributed to the donation but I would be nervous going. And when I'm nervous I talk to much which in many nervous situations is okay...funerals not so much.

Oh my god date night September 08, 2008 |

So its been quite awhile since perpetually single Ava Mazur has had a date invitation and tomorrow is D-day.

Lets meet the bachelor.
Age 25 (2yrs my junior not normally my style)
Education..working on his fourth degree while working as a tech at mayo. Living at home while in between apartments and roommates...yeah yeah this sounds bad but he said its only for a month and the rest gets better.
6'1 - few extra pounds
Actually kept few extra pounds, curvy and full-figured on his what I'm looking for.

Fun facts
-Likes to lounge
-Likes dogs, dislikes cats
-Princess-like feet
-Wants an advanced degree in nursing
-Good sense of humor...you can just tell by the way he phrases things
-Wants a penguin as a pet...because as he says...penguins rock.
-Could not exactly come up with a conclusive answer about how many siblings....it sounds complicated
-Sleeps with 8 pillows
-Owns an iPhone and a mac book pro
-He is still calling me by my unabridged name (this makes more sense to those of you who don't know me as Ava)
-Came up with a list of about 20 veggies/fruits that he simply couldn't narrow down when asked what his favorite item in the produce isle is...notable mentions: Calamari Figs and Persimmons
-Answered my secret homo-phobe question successfully. "If you had a clone of yourself would you have sex with it?" He even read into the importance of such a question and all the possible ways it could be interpreted...kudos.

We will be having coffee after work tomorrow. I will be dressed in jeans and possibly something to cover my top. Most likely a t-shirt. I will do my hair and makeup :)

Wish me luck folks!


I fell old |

According to my retirement plan. I will be working until July 30th, 2046. Yeah I'll be way dead before I ever see any of my pension plan.


The Great Outdoors September 07, 2008 |

I was forced to camp as a child. My dad was raised in the city and I think it was some sort of late stage rebellion that turned him into a wilderness man or maybe its his dislike of showering...either way every spring and fall the three of and the dog filled into a tiny leaky tent where it was always unseasonably cold and rained for the entire three day weekend.

Since the horrid camping of my youth I have usually avoided the outdoors at all costs. Last year I went camping for my birthday and also for a week vacation in Colorado...pretty hard core for me.

This weekend was the wedding celebration for K & B. There were bags, das boot and lots and lots of food. Of course there was setting up in the rain...having everything I own smell like campfire and nature. Bugs, dirt and BO.

I have to say that coming home to a scrub and facial was majestic.


Only me September 01, 2008 |

Today I played a very dangerous game and lost. I was driving home from Chicago about 30miles from Rochester. Belmont had been whining for most of the trip. Belmont's whines usually mean one of the following...He wants attention, he is thirsty or he needs to go outside. Seeing as Rosa had taken up residence in the front seat and was showing no sign of giving it up my money was on jealousy....WRONG. Just minutes from home the whining intensified to barking....humm maybe he does need to potty...well we are almost home he holds it all day he can hold it for a 4hr car ride.

Whats that smell? I look in the backseat and the biggest shit ever had taken up residence in the back seat. I couldn't really blame him he did warn me. To make matters worse it wasn't exactly a totally solid stool. So there I was two dogs and a pile of shit ridding home the last leg of my journey with the windows open baking in 90 degree heat.

I ask you is it better to close your self up in the cool air conditioning and a pile of shit or open the windows and have the air simultaneously circulate and bake it? It was a decision I hope none of you have to make.

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