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Insomnia sucks! June 30, 2008 |

For the record I remember first falling asleep last night at around 1:00am, I remember waking up and seeing 2am, 2:45, 3, 3:15, 3:50, 4:15 and I got up at 4:45. Rested I think not!

It was like this all last week. Who has some sure fire sleep tips? I could use some. I normally try to avoid naps but I'm thinking maybe a nap today after work isn't such a bad idea. Here has what I've tried so far:

  • No caffeine after noon
  • NyQuil
  • Guided Relaxation/Hypnosis Tapes
  • Not going to bed until tired (which means I watch bad TV and play spider solitaire until 4am)
  • Not using big lights after it gets dark outside

I'm sure this is all stress I am not very good at not being confident in what I'm doing. It's a new job and all new stuff but not being able to walk around as the know-it-all just doesn't sit well with me. Causing panic. What if I screw up? What if I can't get this? What if some patient wallops me in the face and stabs me with their infected AID's needle?

Paranoid? Yes. Exhausted? Yes.

On the upside everyone at work has been wonderful. The education specialist, my trainer, and in general everyone I work with is helpful and personal. So whats my issue?

Sigh in only a few weeks I will be done with phlebotomy training and I can go back to what I do best. Sitting at a desk, going to meetings, answering emails and making the most awesome excel spreadsheets ever!

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PMS June 29, 2008 |

It's been about 3months since my last period. Most girls would be freaking out but this is quite normal for me....especially since I can't even remember the last time I was close enough to a penis to become impregnated...god the child would have been born by now.

Anyways I'm hoping today's funk is due to pms. The signs are there

  • I cried at a commercial
  • I watched a lifetime movie and cried again
  • My tummy hurts
  • I've sat on my couch a lot
  • I've googled people I haven't spoken to in years
I did not go to the gym...I did not finish my 15miles and I don't want to hear about it. Today I'm impressed I got the motivation to take a shower. I feel a bit guilty about the 4th. It was supposed to be this long relaxing 5day weekend at home and it turned into this

  • Tuesday after work drive to parents house arrive at 9pm
  • Wednesday drive 2hrs round trip to pick up grandma, have dinner with parents
  • Thursday hang out with grandma, 3ish take 2hr train ride to Chicago....hang with Cobie
  • Friday-Cobie
  • Saturday-Get up early-drive 2hrs to 3yr old cousins bday party...where I have been threatened with lynching if I show up late. Spend of the rest of the day with extended family, return home with patents (2hr drive home)
  • Sunday wake up leave around 12 for a good 6hr drive home with the dogs.
The whole weekend sounds daunting to me. Am I a total bitch for wanting to cancel on all of them and spend five days locked in my room with my dogs? To make matters worse I'm getting the vibe from my parents that they aren't particularly thrilled with me taking a huge chunk out of the weekend to spend with Cobie. I rather not cancel though. True I will be seeing him in august and taking the Chicago trip out of the equation would simplify things but I want to see his new apartment and I think he would be uber pissed if I canceled. Maybe Ill just stay Thursday night and then come home on Friday. That would save him a trip to a toddlers bday party as well.

Okay real time update...I just canceled with Cobie...he is such a saint not to self plan a just-Cobie weekend.

Photo: Art.com
Goal Progress: By bike 4.0miles, walking 2 (ish) miles or so I'm told (Total 13.86) God I suck.

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Sleep...I like it June 28, 2008 |

I don't feel like doing anything productive today. That's sorta a pattern with me. I slept until 9:30, went to the bathroom and back to bed. At 1:30 (that's 13.5 hours of sleep) I finally got out of bed. I called Alice I decided that I'm going to go to lacrosse for the evening. Since I have no one to sit the pups I wont leave until lateish but I think it will be good for me to leave the house.

I do not feel like riding my bike but Alice my little motivator managed in 5minutes to convince me to bring it along so we can ride to dinner and maybe for some drinks later. I wanted to get more homework done but I did just finish 2quizzes so that at least temporarily took away the guilt of continually blowing of my studying.

Does anyone have a magic ADD pill that will get me to concentrate on homework and not want to sleep so much? I'll pay cash and travel to a dark ally to get it. Well okay I won't I'm far too lazy to participate in criminal activity.

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Burtha isn't Feeling well June 26, 2008 |

My car has been acting funny. When I start my car the first couple of times I brake the abs kicks on. I like my abs breaks I do not like them kicking on on a sunny June day. Anyways I absolutely have to get them fixed because I'm going home for the 4th and my dad always finds a reason to drive my car just to make sure its not going to burst into flames.

So I made an appointment for tomorrow which means I have to drop off my car tonight. I asked my roomie if she would go with me to drop it off so she could give me a ride home. She agreed and said she would be home at 7pm. So I bummed around all evening waiting for her to arrive home, 7:00, 7:30, 8:15 RING....its her.

R: Ummmm, Hi will you be awake to drop off your car at 11?

A: Ummm....well probably not I have to catch my bus at 5:30am

R: Humm, oh well I'm in Winona right now (Insert long explanation involving a cousin and forgotten place cards for a wedding this weekend)...So it'll be awhile until I get there.

A: Oh, don't worry about it. I can get one of my friends to drive me, no big deal.

R: (whining) Are you....suuuuuurrrrrre? I'm reeaaalllly sorrrry.

A: Yeah no problem, I gotta go though, bye bye.

Sigh dammit not I have to convince someone to drive me over there. I'm not annoyed at roommate per say. If she would have just said no in the first place, or called me during the day and said something had come up...or at the very least call me sometime before 1hr after she was supposed to be home it would have been nice.

I could have just gone straight after work and had the shuttle take me home. This was not longer an option. On my third phone a friend I got lucky. So I'm annoyed shocker. I have this thing you can say no to me anytime you want but please please PLEASE don't say you'll do something and puss out!

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Offended |

I'm not a person who is easily offended. I love a good racist, gay or dead baby joke but people who aren't joking make me about eighteen degrees of uncomfortable.

I was at work today having break with a couple co-workers. The two ladies are obviously friends. They both live in the country a smidge outside of Rochester and are middle aged.

A: Did you see the new benefits updates?

B: No

A: They now have a plan where you and your spouse can just be insured instead of having the whole family plan, its cheaper.

B: Oh...probably spouse or "partner" she said the word like it might infect her with gay-disease.

A: Of course(groans and rolls eyes) What's next?

I was pissed. I wanted to stand up and act like I didn't notice their sarcasm... Whats next? Hopefully gay marriage I would say, hopefully couples not afraid to hold hands on the street or kiss at a table on valentines day. Then spurt off on how its so wonderful that we work for a place that has such benefits because other people aren't as lucky.

I didn't, I sat staring down at my oatmeal.

Now I probably wouldn't be quite as keyed up if this was the first incident. However only weeks earlier the same two and a nurse were in the break room as a news story came on about the recent approval of gay marriage in California.

The ladies squirmed. Saying that's just not right, and I hope it never comes here. Going on to joke how they would never be caught dead going to a gay wedding.

True they aren't saying all gays should be killed or anything but the obvious disregard to homosexual relationships really razzes me. I was willing to let the marriage thing slide since it is a newishly and hot topic but just blatantly throwing their disgust into a conversation about health care seems very unnecessary.

Should I have said something? Probably...and next time
I will. I doubt I will change any minds but at best I will get them to mind their P's and Q's around me and at worst I'll be labeled as that "queer girl" its a label I can live with.

Photo: From Slap Upside the Head

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Bountiful Basket June 25, 2008 |

It's been about 6 weeks since I went grocery shopping. My pantry was full of "stuff" I never got around to eating, i figure with no better options around that box of rice and can on 2yr old soup didn't look so bad. Yesterday I ate my LAST package of generic ramen noodles for dinner. I sat on my couch and said to myself when I was in college at least I ate name-brand ramen for dinner and realized it was time.

I entered walmart and was in awe of the produce section. Like a refugee of war I looked at the vast fresh fruits and vegetables covered in rainbows of water spray convinced I had reached the promised land. (I've obviously been away from grocery stores too long if walmart's produce is breathtaking). I loaded my cart with red peppers, watermelon, strawberries, canary melon and cucumbers.

I even bought other healthy stuff and purchased sigh...diet coke. I have long been convinced that diet coke or anything containing artificial sweeteners has caused me migraines so I avoid them at all costs. Although I do get headaches often without such triggers so maybe its just bad luck and I'm willing to give it another whirl...only a 6-pack worth though and I have a two liter of regular coke in case of emergencies.

Perhaps the most surprising part of my day is I took the time to rinse and chop my fruits and veggies putting them in transparent glass bowls which make them oh so pretty and easily accessible. This makes them much less likely to rot away in my refrigerator. Although since I have about 3gallons of fruit in my fridge I will probably end up with pink watermelon diarrhea and still left over mushy moldy fruit but hey its better than the crap I'm used to eating.

Photo: Me :)

Goal Progress: 2.62 miles by bike (Week Total: 7.86miles)

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Cobie Quote June 24, 2008 |

Ava: I just can't understand why the taxes & fees for a flight to Belgium cost more than the ticket itself.

Cobie: Those Europeans must have their own 911 tax...only they call it the 11-9 tax

Photo by Lori Bender

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Tapes June 23, 2008 |

I am fat. This is not news. And quite frankly I know just about all there is to know about loosing weight. I've done points, I done L.A. weight loss, I've gone to the healthy living center, I've done that place in Winona which is like curves with a diet plan and the mayo learn program...twice. Seen a nutritionist...several times in two different attempts. Here I am today a good 20+ my top weight ever.

I talked to my doctor who basically says there is nothing she can do for me my cholesterol, triglycerides, glucose and thyroid are all normal. It seems despite all my efforts I'm healthy at least on paper. But here is the thing in my latest spiral out of control "more to love" is finally starting to take a toll on me. I have horrible planters fascitis which makes me analyze all shoes for arch support rather than fashion. When at home I wear Birkenstock religiously (I am not a hippie so this isn't exactly acceptable in my mind). My knees hurt after I am forced to exercise...and by exercise I mean more than one flight of stairs, and my back pretty much always hurts. Before I end up seeing the grandcannon in my hoverround something needs to be done.

So the time has come for me to give this another go. Anytime Ive been successful at loosing weight it has been just me. No logs, no meetings or measuring cups just some freaking common sense and a little bit of letting go of my self-loathing. My wieght is a mental thing I hoard it like money, console myself with an extra helping of butter rather than tissues. And wallow in self pitty while watching tv.

My plan is to focus on one thing each week and build upon it. No pound or callorie goals. Then on Monday's Ill do my a blog or blog-et about how the week went so you don't have to suffer this on a regular basis...all though I can change the rules at anytime and bore you at my whim. HAHA the power of being the site moderator!

Week 1 Goal: Just because your fat doesnt mean you should act like it.

  • Bike or Walk a total of 15 miles
  • Go to the healthy living center once..and spend a minimum of 30minutes there (time in the locker room does not count Ava so don't even think about it). No exercise goals while there just physically being there and uncomfortable while Mrs.size2 with her 2.0carrot wedding ring is enough of a goal. Oh and also any mileage at the healthy living center totally counts towards the15mile goal.
I must admit going to the gym is right up there with getting a papsmear on my list of things to do. However I know that I feel better when I am moving. Last year I did pretty good over summer because I could limit my moving around the privacy of my own neighborhood but when the snow fell I went back to sloth-state. This means even though its way easier and less intimidating to exercize at home I have to forcefully integrate the healthy living center into my life...sucky.

However procrastination is my game so I dusted off the bike instead of gathering the equipment and courage needed for the gym. I love riding my bike because I get to sit and I'm less likely to sprain an ankle while ridding where walking is a dicey proposition with my lackluster coordination (lets not even entertain the notion of me running). The problem with biking is I can only imagine how ridiculous I look. Is it better to be a fat slob on a couch watching TV and eating a pint...excuse me gallon of ice cream or be a fat girl on a bike sweaty red and panting. Neither paints a particularly glamorous picture. Fat and sweaty and out in the world I still feel like a looser, but at least not a hopeless looser.

P.S. If anyone says any cute puns about being a "good" looser as in loosing weight I will vomit (of course being stricken with bulimia has been a childhood dream of mine however unpopular that might sound).

Goal Progress: 5.24 mile bike ride

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Look ma' Im a beautiful butterfly June 22, 2008 |

I'm not much for public speaking. I've never been that kid in speech that sat at the back pale and stuttering but it certainly has never been anything I have sought out. Most of my experience has been at meetings where I have had to present something I have been working on for months so a quick overview to update everyone else has been well not to bad.

Then today was graduation day. I've been doing this beacon program at church and at our graduation we each had to go up and say a little ditty only 2-5minutes about what the program meant for us.


This isn't talking about spreadsheets or cell markers...this was personal...feelings...in front of a bunch of people most of which don't even know my middle name. The worst part is, I actually had something to say. Beacons has changed my life, things I have pushed aside after my failed relationship got drudged up. My fears, expectations and other peoples expectations of me came into focus.

I procrastinated and sat down to write what I was going to say literally 1hour before I had to leave. So here it is the new and improved Ava Mazur:

When Pastor Nancy brought out her information packets to potential beacons I think she should have put in big bold letters on the front page: THIS WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF LIFE. Well maybe that was a little too much pressure for her, but throughout our assignments and meetings I have learned the meaning of mine. Surprisingly enough to me it has nothing to do with material items of what a stranger MIGHT think of me while passing him or her on the street but rather it is about giving the gift of myself and learning to be truly thankful for all I receive.

My path through the beacon program has been nothing short of a whirl-whin. I am stubborn and generally self-assured at least outwardly but the realization that what I deemed my weaknesses are actually my strengths has soothed my soul which I have quite frankly been neglecting for at least the last decade of my life.

I stand before you saying my job, my house and my bank balance are not important. The things that give me worth in my are:

  • Best friends that always return my calls
  • A mother and father who love me and tell me often
  • The hope of being able to say that to my own child(ren) someday
  • Being trusted by others to come to me with their problems
  • To appreciate people and life
  • And to say thank you out loud
I will not be a spectator. I want to make a difference, I want to matter. And I do.

Since starting the beacon program I have learned how to forgive and to be thankful for experiences even the bad ones:
  • I have silently said a prayer or a man who's family wasn't there to visit him on his last day on earth...he gave me the gift of knowing you are truly never alone
  • I have visited a co-worker who entered a hospital for addiction...she gave me the gift of trust
  • I have lost a high school friend who died of a heart attack at the age of only 26...he gave me the gift of living today
  • I've been to a friend's father's funeral; this gave me the gift of knowing it is best to say things today instead of waiting for the "right time" because the right moment may not present itself until its too late
  • I've been on the other end of a phone call from a friend who was doing fine on the outside but floundering withing...he gave me the gift of returning a favor.
My life isn't perfect and I wold suspect no one here tonight would argue theirs is any different. But in the imperfections and the surprises light shines. The light of hope, love and spirit.

I would like to share a quote from a song by Alanis Morissette, "I have been running so sweaty my whole life, Urgent for the finish line. And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete."

Beacon's has taught me how to feel this RAPTURE...incompleteness has a beauty onto itself and it is the beauty of an unexpected journey.

Photo by Tawheed Manzoor

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Incomplete-Alanis June 21, 2008 |

Now I haven't given Alanis Morissette much of a chance since I OD'd on bitter little pill but due to a bit of buzz I got her new album flavors of entanglement. Supposedly this album was written shortly after the break up of her finance'. A song about loathing and dieing alone...sign me up! I must say after my once through I like it in particular the last song, "Incomplete" Give it a listen.


One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived and I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends

One day I'll be at peace
I’ll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt

One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

One day, my mind will retreat, and I'll know god and I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I'll be secure, like the women I see on their 30th anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous and torturous
But never done

One day, I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and whole

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

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butterflies June 20, 2008 |

Dead Butterfly Photo by Lain Cole

I have been on the scout for new blogs to read and came upon a gem called "Breath with me" the blog just started which I like because I could get in on the ground floor. This then lead me to a blog called my perpetually single life. How was I to not click on that surely we were meant to be friends, unfortunately I have nothing in common with the woman at the other end of this blog sit tight...I will get to my point.

Both blogs talked about butterflies in particular the ones located in the stomach. I ask this: Why do these little winged insects hold such fascination with people? At funerals mourner's swear their recently deceased loved ones float by or even dacnce for them. Single women swoon in hot pursuit of a tickling in their stomach to tell them yes he is the one.

I don't buy it.

No one I know well enough to visit me post-mordem would ever be caught dead (no pun intended) spending even a few precious days of there afterlife as a cute colorful bug. And butterflies in the stomach? I think the last time I even got close to that was in high school and I think it was due to the cafeteria food. I have absolutely no interest in pursuing a love that causes feelings that in any way slightly resemble dysentery.

Am I a lost cause? Incapable of love? Destined to die alone without knowing the magic of the Monarch? Classified as one of those girls who "settles"? I don't think so. Is it so wrong to think such giddiness is ridiculous. I want someone to make me laugh, to talk to after a shitty day and eat dinner with. To tell me I'm not a horrible mother when my kid tells me (s)he hates me after giving them a time out. That's my version of love and it has nothing to do with bugs.

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Disappointment across the universe June 17, 2008 |

I was very excited to see Across the Universe and went to the movie shortly after its release. It was O.K. and not nearly as wonderfully splendiferious as I had hoped after the kick-ass trailer that has been shoved down my throat for months. The only thing I can say is I left saying well will never see this movie again but the soundtrack is awesome I have to have it. Well flash forward to today where I finally got around to putting it on my i-pod plugged it into my Bose speakers and prepared to be moved by the majesty.

My only moving moment was to walk back over to the speakers to turn down the volume and make an attempt to suffer through it. Quite frankly without the movie the music is boring. It drags on and has weird musical interludes that quiet frankly make no sense to me. I'm thinking perhaps the whole soundtrack together is just frankly too many Beatles covers in a row. Maybe if I throw some of my fave songs from the movie into my top rated list they will survive. Its my last ditch effort in trying to at least somewhat meet the unrealistic expectations I had for this movie.

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Family Feud June 16, 2008 |

So I have once again broached the subject of moving to Chicago to my parents. My mother is staying neutral on the issue because I'm an adult and need to follow my own path. My father is resistant to the idea to say the least.

I've pretty much reached the decision that mayo and Rochester is a phase in my life and will come to a close in the next few years. I have dreams of a Chicago style loft on the north side that is cramped has an old balcony, drafts in the winter and outrageous taxes. I will take my dogs in their coach collars on walks to the nearby dog park and go for bike rides on the lake shore. I will have happy hour cocktails with my friends and ride the L while listening to my iPhone.

My father envisions me raped and murdered because I took the wrong train. This is not a fear of mine but my dad is playing a new card. Guilt doesn't work as well as its used to...and he has now moved into the preliminary stages of bribery and compromise of the Schaumburg. My grandmother will be moving in with my parents. Her home requires major work before it could be rented or sold. Enter the seed. A very reasonably priced home (family discount) in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs where I would have enough money left over to do any renovations I wished and have a home that is very "me."

Can dreams be bought? Probably. Why do you think I'm still in Rochester? Its hard to turn down a good paycheck and a good job. Check back with me in 3years we will see where I'm living.

On the flip side I think I'm going to not mention moving until I am in a position to do so, but I'm going to have to figure out a way to win dad over.

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Oprah Mantra June 14, 2008 |

Oprah once told me to find something to be thankful for everyday....Today I am thankful for cheep Mexican wine, my Bose speakers, itunes, my cannon camera and in impending parental visit to get my house in ship shape....so its appropriate for viewing by aforementioned parental units.

I spent my afternoon rockin' out the the Dresden Dolls and drinking Viognier by Don Lus Vetto Vinicola L.A.Cetto 2006 reserve. (2006 seems hardly long enough to go to be considered reserve but I will let it slide. I tend to be giving like that.

After my cleaning binge I thought humm this is a good opportunity to take pictures of the house for whatever reason one might need pictures of their own dwelling....well all that turned out was these. The wine glass if from a set I received from my dad a couple Christmas's ago. The grocery list is new :P and random but I liked the picture none the less.

Note to self: Tomatoes is spelled wrong.

itunes has now blessed me with playing two cake bake bettey songs in a row it is a good day.

Second note to self: The is a second bottle of wine in the freezer don't forget it!

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So Sleepy June 10, 2008 |

I've been a relatively good sport about getting up in the morning for the last 26 years but the words I heard this morning shook me to the core. "Be here at 6:15." Did I hear that right? I can stay late to leave at 6:15pm, I can arrive and 6:15pm in the evening to start my work but expecting me to wake up let alone be dressed conscious and physically present someplace at 6:15am is asking quite a bit.

Don't worry I'm getting prepared its 8:24pm my shades are closed, lights off save the TV and computer and I'm 10minutes into a dose and a half of "Nite time" Night Quill's bastard son. The real dickens of this situation is my bus schedule doesn't really jive with the 6:15 start time so I will actually have to be up and out of the house by 5:20am...which means my alarm clock time has to start with the number 4. Now that is a certain threshold with me. If I every reach 300lbs Ill kill myself and if I have to get up at any time starting with 4 I also want to die. Unfortunately suicide doesn't seem a viable option my house is far to messy.

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Are those panties in your purse or are you just happy to see me? June 06, 2008 |

I was running late for work (Shocker). As per usual I ran to my laundry room threw on my clean scrubs and ran out the door before being inoculated with dog hair. I got dressed a smidge too quickly and on my walk to the bus stop I knew I had a problem. The underwear was heading south. It began as a small slide down my backside then my not so hips failed to hold them up...before i knew it my underwear was in a half scrunch roll resting on my thighs the crotch of my pants preventing their further migration.

This is really uncomfortable.

Now at the bus stop I look around to make sure the coast is clear and dive deep into my pants to correct the situation. This can not be done modestly.

5 minutes later the bus comes and I steeped up the 3 stairs to my seat. My underwear once again down for the count.

So I get to work and take them off, i figured it was just better that way. But one thing I can not recommend is going commando in very thin scrubs when one is running around all day.

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Ava's Perfect Guacamole June 02, 2008 |

3 small perfectly ripe avocados
1/2 a bunch of fresh cilantro finely chopped
1 medium jalapeno
1 lime's fresh squeezed juice
1 vine ripe tomato chopped and juice removed by paper towel
1-2 tablespoons of tastefully simple ci ci cilantro

Mush with fork

Salt to taste

It was divine.