You know you are fat when you are running on the treadmill and your belly roll flops and lands on the emergency stop causing you to come to a screeching halt and almost fall down.

Labels: Embarassing Stories, Exersize, Health

I know you just don't get enough of me so I'm starting another blog with my dear friend Alice. It will chronicle my (our) journey to become less of a fat ass. So bookmark the new link it should be interesting. The site is under construction but you will get the point.

Labels: Exersize, Weight

It's been about 6 weeks since I went grocery shopping. My pantry was full of "stuff" I never got around to eating, i figure with no better options around that box of rice and can on 2yr old soup didn't look so bad. Yesterday I ate my LAST package of generic ramen noodles for dinner. I sat on my couch and said to myself when I was in college at least I ate name-brand ramen for dinner and realized it was time.

I entered walmart and was in awe of the produce section. Like a refugee of war I looked at the vast fresh fruits and vegetables covered in rainbows of water spray convinced I had reached the promised land. (I've obviously been away from grocery stores too long if walmart's produce is breathtaking). I loaded my cart with red peppers, watermelon, strawberries, canary melon and cucumbers.

I even bought other healthy stuff and purchased sigh...diet coke. I have long been convinced that diet coke or anything containing artificial sweeteners has caused me migraines so I avoid them at all costs. Although I do get headaches often without such triggers so maybe its just bad luck and I'm willing to give it another whirl...only a 6-pack worth though and I have a two liter of regular coke in case of emergencies.

Perhaps the most surprising part of my day is I took the time to rinse and chop my fruits and veggies putting them in transparent glass bowls which make them oh so pretty and easily accessible. This makes them much less likely to rot away in my refrigerator. Although since I have about 3gallons of fruit in my fridge I will probably end up with pink watermelon diarrhea and still left over mushy moldy fruit but hey its better than the crap I'm used to eating.

Photo: Me :)

Goal Progress: 2.62 miles by bike (Week Total: 7.86miles)

Labels: Exersize, Food

I am fat. This is not news. And quite frankly I know just about all there is to know about loosing weight. I've done points, I done L.A. weight loss, I've gone to the healthy living center, I've done that place in Winona which is like curves with a diet plan and the mayo learn program...twice. Seen a nutritionist...several times in two different attempts. Here I am today a good 20+ my top weight ever.

I talked to my doctor who basically says there is nothing she can do for me my cholesterol, triglycerides, glucose and thyroid are all normal. It seems despite all my efforts I'm healthy at least on paper. But here is the thing in my latest spiral out of control "more to love" is finally starting to take a toll on me. I have horrible planters fascitis which makes me analyze all shoes for arch support rather than fashion. When at home I wear Birkenstock religiously (I am not a hippie so this isn't exactly acceptable in my mind). My knees hurt after I am forced to exercise...and by exercise I mean more than one flight of stairs, and my back pretty much always hurts. Before I end up seeing the grandcannon in my hoverround something needs to be done.

So the time has come for me to give this another go. Anytime Ive been successful at loosing weight it has been just me. No logs, no meetings or measuring cups just some freaking common sense and a little bit of letting go of my self-loathing. My wieght is a mental thing I hoard it like money, console myself with an extra helping of butter rather than tissues. And wallow in self pitty while watching tv.

My plan is to focus on one thing each week and build upon it. No pound or callorie goals. Then on Monday's Ill do my a blog or blog-et about how the week went so you don't have to suffer this on a regular basis...all though I can change the rules at anytime and bore you at my whim. HAHA the power of being the site moderator!

Week 1 Goal: Just because your fat doesnt mean you should act like it.

• Bike or Walk a total of 15 miles
• Go to the healthy living center once..and spend a minimum of 30minutes there (time in the locker room does not count Ava so don't even think about it). No exercise goals while there just physically being there and uncomfortable while Mrs.size2 with her 2.0carrot wedding ring is enough of a goal. Oh and also any mileage at the healthy living center totally counts towards the15mile goal.

I must admit going to the gym is right up there with getting a papsmear on my list of things to do. However I know that I feel better when I am moving. Last year I did pretty good over summer because I could limit my moving around the privacy of my own neighborhood but when the snow fell I went back to sloth-state. This means even though its way easier and less intimidating to exercize at home I have to forcefully integrate the healthy living center into my life...sucky.

However procrastination is my game so I dusted off the bike instead of gathering the equipment and courage needed for the gym. I love riding my bike because I get to sit and I'm less likely to sprain an ankle while ridding where walking is a dicey proposition with my lackluster coordination (lets not even entertain the notion of me running). The problem with biking is I can only imagine how ridiculous I look. Is it better to be a fat slob on a couch watching TV and eating a pint...excuse me gallon of ice cream or be a fat girl on a bike sweaty red and panting. Neither paints a particularly glamorous picture. Fat and sweaty and out in the world I still feel like a looser, but at least not a hopeless looser.

P.S. If anyone says any cute puns about being a "good" looser as in loosing weight I will vomit (of course being stricken with bulimia has been a childhood dream of mine however unpopular that might sound).

Goal Progress: 5.24 mile bike ride

Labels: Exersize, Food, Lists, Weight

I spent my morning sitting on a small stool in the middle of a mostly enclosed glass chamber about the size of a 5-minute photo booth. A small black fan whirred above me and a tube jetted out towards my face so I had to sit uncomfortably leaning backward. A nurse instructed me to exhale into the tube, pant and do many breathing techniques that I prefer to reserve for vigorous sex only.

After this “foreplay” my tube dosed me with what I can only imagine is a temporary very potentate strain of pneumonia. My lungs seemed to cave in on themselves; I coughed and quite frankly began to panic as I wheezed for air. The nurse looks at me calmly don’t worry its normal just wait five minutes.”

“5 minutes?! Is she fucking serious?” If I could hold my breath for five goddamn minutes I would quit my job and become an otter on the California coast.

I continued to gasp, and after the initial panic wore off that this bright smiley nurse would happily sit there and watch me die I got through my five minutes, blew into a tube a few more times and was rewarded with a magic inhaled substance that cured me within seconds.

A couple hours later I was in my doctor’s office: “Well I think the headaches are from oxygen depravation, you have asthma.”

Life sucks. As a kid I dreamed of such a magic diagnosis. I was a chubby kid, athletism was not my forte. I was pretty much exclusively the ABSOLUTE LAST person to show up at the finish line for the dreaded bi-annual mile run. Oh how I wanted to sit with the other chubby, nerdy kids at the sidelines who gripped thier inhalers and waved them at PE teachers prior to getting their study hall passes. Where as I had to “run” well okay walk quickly…kinda quickly....until I ambled my way to the finish.

Now at the age of 26….my dreams came true. Unfortunately it has been a good 9 years since anyone has forced me to run any distance let alone a mile and I don’t think this is a streak likely to be broken. By the way… who the hell gets diagnosed with asthma 3months AFTER quitting smoking? Irony.

Labels: Embarassing Stories, Exersize, Glass Half Empty, Health

After a large meal I decided that maybe I shouldnt be such a total slug and go for a bike ride on my new bike. It seemed the perfect destination would be the dog park. Ed and I got on our new bikes and I attached Belmont to a leash and tied it onto my handle bars. This was Belmonts second bike ride.

Now there is something you need to know about Belmont he doesnt listen and in turn he does not heel. So Im cruising down a stretch of straight pavement when my furry Einstein gets the idea to veer in front of the bike. I grab the brakes but it is too lateI loose control veering off the sidewalk into the grass where the bike falls over and I do a tuck and roll landing ending on Belmonts head. Ben described the seen as rather hilarious saying, "I thought you would never stop tumbling.....you just kept falling."

For all of you that are concerned about my well being unlike Ed. I am just fine I have a bruise on my chin presumably from Belmonts fat head and a grass stain on my jeans but I am able to carry on. Belmont got a swat to the rump and stern talking to. At least he paid better attention for the rest of the ride.

Labels: Belmont, Ed, Exersize