I spent my morning sitting on a small stool in the middle of a mostly enclosed glass chamber about the size of a 5-minute photo booth. A small black fan whirred above me and a tube jetted out towards my face so I had to sit uncomfortably leaning backward. A nurse instructed me to exhale into the tube, pant and do many breathing techniques that I prefer to reserve for vigorous sex only.

After this “foreplay” my tube dosed me with what I can only imagine is a temporary very potentate strain of pneumonia. My lungs seemed to cave in on themselves; I coughed and quite frankly began to panic as I wheezed for air. The nurse looks at me calmly don’t worry its normal just wait five minutes.”

“5 minutes?! Is she fucking serious?” If I could hold my breath for five goddamn minutes I would quit my job and become an otter on the California coast.

I continued to gasp, and after the initial panic wore off that this bright smiley nurse would happily sit there and watch me die I got through my five minutes, blew into a tube a few more times and was rewarded with a magic inhaled substance that cured me within seconds.

A couple hours later I was in my doctor’s office: “Well I think the headaches are from oxygen depravation, you have asthma.”

Life sucks. As a kid I dreamed of such a magic diagnosis. I was a chubby kid, athletism was not my forte. I was pretty much exclusively the ABSOLUTE LAST person to show up at the finish line for the dreaded bi-annual mile run. Oh how I wanted to sit with the other chubby, nerdy kids at the sidelines who gripped thier inhalers and waved them at PE teachers prior to getting their study hall passes. Where as I had to “run” well okay walk quickly…kinda quickly....until I ambled my way to the finish.

Now at the age of 26….my dreams came true. Unfortunately it has been a good 9 years since anyone has forced me to run any distance let alone a mile and I don’t think this is a streak likely to be broken. By the way… who the hell gets diagnosed with asthma 3months AFTER quitting smoking? Irony.

Labels: Embarassing Stories, Exersize, Glass Half Empty, Health