Sometimes while sitting on my couch I think I could get a lot done in a day if I wasn't sitting on the couch. I am wrong. You work all day and barely anything gets done. Sucky.

I worked pretty much all day. I took a break about 4 hours in and looked at my progress. The room looked like a disaster. All the cupboards were open, crap all over the counter tops and any surface available. Sigh. I didn't even get the kitchen done and I worked on it for 9 hours. How is that possible?

Anyways I took a picture when it looked its worst so I could do a before and after.

Tuesday's (Realistic Plan): Finish what was on monday's list :)

On the upside I found my camera and a missing anti-virus disc. So happy day progress is being made.

Oh and in a total unrelated not I found something I don't like about my mac...no little card slot to put in my camera memory card. I have no idea were the usb plug is....sigh.

Labels: Glass Half Empty

So what does a newly single girl do on her first day of freedom?

• Sleep in until 2pm
• think about taking a shower
• Step into shower but am too lazy to wash hair or actually wash anything get out of shower
• put on jeans and t-shirt that were on my floor
• warm up leftover roast
• play sorority life and pet society on facebook for 3 hours
• watch a movie
• move some stuff into the garage
• sweep garage, realize you are tired leave the pile of leaves in the middle of the garage, don't bother to move the car back into the garage.
• sit on the couch and think about cleaning the kitchen which is filled with crap and in your line of vision
• talk on the phone to rory
• talk on the phone to my dad for an hour and a half and thank your lucky stars that he doesn't ask about that nice guy you are dating...
• order a pizza
• eat to much pizza
• eat some cookies
• eat more pizza
• mentally complain about being fat
• contemplate cleaning bookshelves
• sit on the couch some more and wish more people were on line
• go on okcupid
• regret going on okcupid
• feed the dogs
• crochet
• watch more tv
• write a blog

Labels: Glass Half Empty

So it was bound to happen. JSP has begun to drive me nuts...no there isn't anything wrong with him but there isn't anything right with him either. He likes sports, listens to country, and is well frankly just not my kind of funny. He's a nice guy I will give him that but it was pretty clear that this just wasn't going anywhere.

How do I do it? Email was out, the phone just seemed tacky, making him drive an hour to come to my house seemed kinda bad too but those were the plans for the weekend anyway. So he came over we hung out for a bit...he was supposed to plan the weekend it was his turn. Every time it is his turn the plan the weekend he doesn't have a plan...annoying.

So I look up movie times and we go to see a matinee. We saw slumdog millionaire and it was very good. The energy between us was bad. I didn't want him touching my knee, I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to hear his lame jokes, are see him cracking his jaw in my peripheral vision. I don't know why but anything he said or did drove me nuts absolutely nuts. I just felt uncomfortable.

After the movie we were back on the couch I basically blurted out, "Things just don't seem right between us." I went on to say that I've felt this way for awhile and I just think that by this point feelings should be deepening and they just aren't for me.

Then the tears come (no not me). Great he's crying. I'm sitting there feeling like a big ol' meanie so I go on to explain that he's a really nice guy there just isn't that passion and everything is too calm, did I mention your a nice guy? Blah blah blah...more word vomit.

So then something odd happens he essentially starts breaking up with me. Tells me how I'm a great girl, blah blah blah basically repeats everything I said. Said he wants a friendship, still wants to talk to me, all that stuff.

I offer him a tissue and then he starts to apologize for his tears. And goes into this story about how he never used to cry until like 5years ago and went into this long story about his struggle with depression....

Sigh so I'm feeling bad and I say he can stay for dinner. So we eat he stays for like 3 hours full of awkwardness and then finally leaves. It sucks I could tell he was sad but he wasn't I love you I'm going to miss you sad, it was more, why doesn't anyone love me I'm going to be alone forever sad.

I made the right decision. Now I just wish I had something to do tonight.

Labels: Boys, Breakups, Glass Half Empty, JSP

I had a good chat with JSP today. I've had similar chats with the voices in my head on numerous occasions but never quite got up the motivation to do anything about it.

I've realized I'm a friend snob.

Quite frankly I really believe that no one I ever meet can be as fun and wonderful as my current friends. Nope no matter how wonderfully fabulous they may be there is no way they can stack up to my "real" friends. Thusly I never really give them any real opportunity to move up from friendly-acquaintance to PJ's and tub of ice cream friends.

This doesn't mean I'm rude, if they call me I will hang out but I really never go through any effort to foster the relationships and sit pouting up on my pedestal home...alone. This is very inconvenient since I'm clumsy and prone to falling. I need friends around to call an ambulance in the event of such a topple, or laugh at me providing all of my parts are still functioning properly after the tumble.

This is not to say there is anything wrong with the people I've met in my zip code just the opposite they are fun I like them. However I seem to have lost the ability to open myself up. Part of it is paranoia. Which I believe has worsened since the big breakup. I over think. I don't call because I automatically think whoever I might be calling always has something better to do than hang out with me. This is of course not often true. In my un-statistical guess i would say 50% they are doing nothing and another 25% they are doing something I can tag-along with.

Still though the whole process is risky...making new friends is harder than dating. Fine dump me if I have a big ass or won't suck your toes. I can live with that. How do you handle sorry I don't want to be your friend...nope its not your looks...it's your personality...just sucks. I don't think I would take that well. Especially since my personality is the one glimmer of light which my fragile self-esteem teeters on.

All risks aside...I'm out of excuses. School is over, I have time...lots and lots of time. I'm not moving...economy sucks, and will for awhile. I can't wait to start my life anymore. For good or bad I'm in Rochester for the long haul. Instead of living like a vagrant, its time to paint my walls make some phone calls, stock the fridge and fire up the grill.

Labels: Friends, Glass Half Empty, JSP, Thoughts

You know your fat when you move your nightstand for the first time in 3 years and instead of finding a mountain of condom wrappers you see 2 popsicle sticks, a McDonald's napkin, a pair of flip flops and 3 pieces of silverware.

Labels: Glass Half Empty

I'm sick of studying. So I'm going to do something out of character for me I'm giving up. I have been so stressed lately I'm worried about my grandfather whose mind is going, and is dying of cancer. The medicine they are giving him is slowing things down but its just a matter of time. My little grandmother is being dragged to specialist after specialist and is scheduled for surgery next week to remove her cancer, they seem unsure of what will happen after that. Its just alot.

Then today after a week of anguish and constant studying I took yet another practice test, with no improvement of my score. I'm frustrated, I'm tired and I'm going crazy. Something has to give. So I sat in front of the computer stressed and disappointed thinking, why am I doing this to myself?

The answer is to move back to Chicago, for hopeful job growth, in case I will need it if I don't get grandfathered in during regulatory policy changes (which is unlikely). These aren't very good reasons considering the toll it is taking on me. My brain has shut down I'm quite simply too frustrated to learn.

I will still take my test this Saturday but I'm done preparing for it. I am going in expecting to fail and that is OK. I will enjoy my summer, I will clean my house, I will visit my family and spend time with my boyfriend. I will have a life again. When the snow begins to fall next winter I will open a book again and try at my own pace and if I don't want to do it then that's okay too.

If I do ever decide to try boards again it will be different, less pressure, longer time of studying doing it casually, doing it on my terms. Then if the day ever comes that I decide hey I know this stuff I'm ready...that is when I will apply for a retake. But for now I'm sick of putting my life on hold and I'm going to stop waiting...stop waiting for school to be over, stop waiting for the perfect job to open up in Illinois, stop waiting for the economy to turn around so I can sell my house. Nope its time to just be. And if that means I'm in Minnesota forever its okay. My parents will eventually move here and I will have a family again. I will hopefully have a family of my own one day and not having to move to accommodate one would be nice. This is my house I will decorate it not for resale but for me. I live here I should enjoy it.

I went to church where I was greeted so warmly, it was so nice to leave the house, so nice to remember there are people in my own backyard that are thinking about me and care about me. I went out to dinner. I talked to my parents who were tossing around ideas of where to move out here, and gave me blessings on my decision.

It was a good day. I'm happy. I'm calm. I'm OK.

Now I'm going to push my books under my coffee table turn on the TV and start a blanket for my soon to be cousin. And maybe book a fancy hotel for JSP and I to go to Minneapolis next weekend.

Labels: Bitching, Chicago, Depressed, Family, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, JSP, School, Thoughts

I'm ubber stressed.

I've spent countless hours working on stupid school unfortunately I've been too sleep deprived to actually remember anything.

I have two grandparents that are sick.

I'm being forced to spend a vacation in Arkansas for a family reunion.

Today after learning that the dates for aforementioned family reunion are STILL not set, working on 3hrs of sleep, taking my und fake board retakes, and finding out I had to stay late at work...I lost it. Oh did I mention I couldn't remember the phrase "sleep deprivation" when trying to describe my state of being. Yeah its bad.

I need a vacation...I really really need a vacation. So I sent my normal Wednesday email to my parents which was basically a 2-page bitch-fest where at the end I said I'm not going to Arkansas I will take a long weekend and come to IL instead. I think this is reasonable.

Do I have money for a trip? Hell no, but fuck that this is America I have a tax return coming....sure that money could go to paying off credit cards, my car, buying the mac that I do so much want. You know what I want more? My freaking sanity.

I'm very excited I'm going to hopefully (assuming my vay-ca time gets approved) go away for a whole week all by little self at the end of march. This is something I've wanted to do well at least for the last ten years and never have gotten around to doing...there are always bills, there is always something I need at home, something that should be fixed, upgraded or otherwise taken care of. Today this is my priority. I deserve this. And I'm getting it.

So where should I go...?

In the states options....

Corpus Cristi Texas
I know odd choice but Rory brought it up and it doesn't seem bad. I doubt it will be riddled with spring breakers (a risk I am taking for my vacation time frame) its inexpensive, warm enough to sit around and get a sunburn while doing nothing...I like nothing. Cons: Its Texas

Washington DC
Oh the museums I love museums...and quite frankly this was my original plan for a solo trip. Also with my age and neurotic npr listening I've become much more political and it might be nice to take a visit as an "adult" where I might have more appreciation for the place. Cons: I've been there before, and its surprising expensive to fly/stay there.

Seattle Washington
My favorite non-midwest city. I went there my freshman year of college and fell in love. I would like to take more time to explore the city. Con: Maybe I don't love it as much as I remember, and I pretty much took it most of it before in rememberable memory.

Hawaii
Ive been pretty anti-Hawaii but once again lounging and pretty scenery would be nice. Cons: Since Hawaii is so honeymooney I might find myself slitting my wrists in a bathroom, either that or throwing things as some annoying smoochy-woochy couple.

Cruise
Cheep, free food, entertainment, rocking of the ship to lull me to sleep, little day trip activities. Cons: lots of people, possible spring breakers, forced to eat with strangers were I would have to explain I was traveling alone because I wanted to be away from people...of course I will be trapped on a boat with many many people creating an odd circular logic situation.

Hilton Head, South Carolina
Ive been there many times...its relaxing lots of old people on the beach which means I don't feel like a beached whale whale while sunbathing. Cons: I would have to rent a car and its expensive and I don't like driving there so it may require me to cook. Eww.

Warsaw Poland
I know pretty out there. Its surprisingly affordable. And with the hotel+flight combo I was looking for my last night I would have a 24 layover in Amsterdam as a bonus. Warsaw has lots of stuff to do there opera,museums, yummy polish food, zoo, historical crap. Oh did I mention the 5-star hotel with Turkish spa? I'm not sure what it means but it sounds good. Sure I don't know polish...that's not true I can sing some polish Christmas carols and say God be with you (Polish catholic church brainwashing). Language aside everyone should go back to their "homeland" once in there life right? Cons: Parents particularly pops would freak the f' out with his little ppp (priceless polish princess) crossing overseas. On the upside if I was to go international Poland would probably offer the least opposition. Oh and the weather is pretty much the same as here so it will be cold.

Labels: Glass Half Empty, Polls, Vacation

I'm half a bottle into some Reisling. Its 4am. I studied for 5.5hrs today. I'm not sure I have any brain function left to tie my shoes. Good thing I own many shoes that do not require such motor-skill memory or cordination.

Its going to be a long couple weeks.

Labels: Glass Half Empty, School, Wine

Today’s adventure began by over sleeping my alarm and waking up 5 minutes before I was supposed to leave. This is pretty par for the course in my case but fortunately in a rare occasion of preparedness I had everything ready to go. I quickly brushed my teeth let the dogs out and threw on the same shirt I was wearing yesterday. Thank god I had a full tank of gas.

So I arrive in lacrosse only 15 minutes later than I had wanted to which was still 30minutes early for my train. I called Amtrak and to my surprise the train was running on time. So even in my weakened tired starving state I tell Jamie to skip the McDonalds drive through and head straight to the station. About 5 minutes before my train is set to leave they make an announcement something about a broken rail and re-routing and there will be a 10-15 minute delay.

That’s Amtrak talk for expected to be royally pissed off for the rest of your trip. My premonition was rewarded about 20minutes later when the announcement was made that the trains could not be rerouted and busses would come to pick us up.

Then the train rolls in, everyone that was on the train is now in a tiny lacrosse train station, and surrounding the building in the cold outside. Think of a large scale trapped in an elevator scenario. I do not care for crowds especially the type of crowd that develops from a demographic that either has no car or is too cheep to fly.

Then they decide that everyone that doesn’t have a connection in Chicago should get back on the train. Well I wasn’t on the train in the first place but this got me thinking I should be on there. A clearer announcement should have been made but seeing the leadership skills of the Amtrak team made me realize I should probably just go up and ask my specific question. “I am going to Glenview, do I need to get on the train or wait for a bus?’

This seemed like a question anyone in a name tag should have been able to answer but instead I got a convoluted….Well you could get on the train but its going to be more delayed…so you should really wait for the busses. So I went back to the station and (I think) did what I was told to do and waited for the busses….I waited….and waited…for 2hours more hours I waited…with no seat and holding two pieces of non rolling luggage…surrounded by crying children and teenagers with headphones on absurdly loud volumes.

Finally the busses came. There was absolutely no organization. No announcement of people going here on this bus and here on that bus. Nope 5 busses and hoards of annoyed people mobbed the poor bus drivers who had pretty much just been told to show up and were given no direction.

I ask a random bus driver it seems there are Milwaukee busses and straight to Chicago busses. You know what one lonely stop is in-between Milwaukee and Chicago….that’s right god damn f-ing Glenview. Since all the people from Amtrak seem to have disappeared I ask one of the bus drivers who says to go on the Milwaukee one because the Chicago ones are non-stop. Sigh. Milwaukee is before Glenview so how exactly am I going to make that little jaunt?

After enough time had elapsed for me to buy, breed and train a pack of blood hounds I was able to track down a genuine Amtrak employee. Who said I should have gotten back on the train. Okay breaking point reached. I begin my rant…

“First of all I was never on the train….and then when I heard non-connectors should get back on the train I took it upon myself to ask one of your associates. Who told me to wait for the busses…So I’ve been waiting for the busses and here I am at the busses and you are telling me there is no bus for me?!?” My eyes are scoring at him and I am secretly wishing that I had the superpower of shooting lasers out of my eyes to kill…or at least permanently disfigure him.

“Well I must have missed you then. You can take a bus into Milwaukee and then a train to Glenview…” God knows when that train would have been, probably tomorrow. And really an apology would have been nice.

“Never mind, I say Milwaukee is fine I’ll have someone pick me up there.”

Of course my cell phone service in that patch of Lacrosse is pretty dismal and after 7 attempts I got in touch with my parents. “I want you to pick me up at the Milwaukee Amtrak depot, I don’t know where it is and I don’t know what time I will get there.”

So now 4.5 hrs after leaving my house (if I’d driven I would have been home) I am finally on a moving vehicle set to take me to where I want to go…kinda sorta. Next time I have the bright idea of relaxing on a train and napping my way home…slap me (that’s what she said)

Happy vacation Day 1!

Labels: Glass Half Empty, Stupid People, Vacation

Oprah says each day you should find things to be grateful for. I like doing this just about as much as I like watching Oprah but whenever I have a truly crappy day (like today was) I in my own sarcastic way think of how things could have gone worse which eventually leads me to see the thinks that did go right. So today for one day only you get a day pass into Ava's coping with life mechanism.

• I could of had to make 50 phone calls at work opposed to the 30 or so I made.
• I could of had to work a double because no one would come in but instead I only had to stay an hour late.
• The dogs could have shit three times in my kitchen instead of two.
• I could of had to put air in all of my tires rather than the 3 flat ones that I came out of work to find.
• I could have gotten multiple huge zits on my nose at T-3days until date day...but I only got the one. (My nose is currently covered in a thick white layer of Origins out of trouble emergency mask)
• I could have been found bawling at work and hiding under my desk. Instead I skipped lunch and bought a chocolate ice cream treat which I proceeded to smudge all over my scrub top so it looked like I rolled around in poo.
• I did fill up my gas tank for 25 dollars (1.82/gallon!) and I had less than 1/4 tank to start with.
• My nails look nice...I bought a new french manicure kit and I didn't chip even one today and i didn't bite them all down to bloody nubs during my stressful day.
• My netflix movies came in the mail today.
• I'm really looking forward to reading my book before bedtime.
• I got home early enough to have a conversation with jsp.
• Belmont and Rosa are looking extra cute and not bothering me.

Labels: Depressed, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts

Last nights post was admittedly a disaster. Note to self drunk blogging is worse than drunk txting because you don't have a character limit. I've heard people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...although I've never been a fan of washing windows so I tend to be a bit careless with my stone throwing. (okay I'm putting a stop to the cliches)

So in the spirit of communication, and disgusting venerability lets do this thing. Cobie is my oldest dearest friend. I know he didn't overbook on purpose. I was angry and hurt mostly because I interpreted his misbooking as a fact that he wasn't as excited to see me as I was to spend some time with him. (Which looking back now I'm not sure I don't even belive that....I tend to be a blonde when it comes to dates too) And hell if I had to choose between Manhattan and a concert I'm not crazy about I'd fuckin' choose New York anyways. And to totally switch gears on you, I'm disappointed that he feels he has to walk on eggshells for me and that's made me realize I don't spend enough time just relaxing and having fun with him.

My friendship with Cobie is different. I can't explain why but I trust him, he is special to me and more than anyone when he has joys and sorrows I feel it. I don't spend enough time telling him how much I value him as a person, I don't spend enough time empathizing with him. However I do spend far to much time letting him see my bad side, my vunerable side, my unedited side. (shocking I know but I do edit). I'm a user. Cobie doesn't get to see the good side, the happy side, the ways I change because I trust him enough to see the mess underneath. He must have a very shady view of me which is completely my fault. He is patient, he helps. When I went through the Ed disaster he told me what no one else would. I see the changes in him though. I see him happy, I see him smart, I see him excited about his career and school, I see him living the life he wants. Which requires a certain amount of bravery. I'm not jealous of cobie though (said notoriously jealous Ava) with cobie I'm just plain proud. And for me to make that switch in emotions its gotta count for something.

To Cobie:
You are special. You are what I imagine a sibling to be. I am thankful I have you in my life. You are eternally my friend, and you are so not getting rid of me that easily. Forget Gwen its time you got to know Gwendolyn. I'm willing to stomp my stinking pride, I owe you. I love you. I'm sorry. Take your time. I'll wait. Your worth it.

P.S. 15yr old Ava took a hike, I'm back to my old self and booking a hotel room so I can go to my concert. Sure I may be going alone but I prepare to be drunk enough to fake being gregarious.

P.P.S: Signing the letter Ava didn't sit well with me. Sometimes if your going to go vulnerable you mine as well go all out.

Labels: Breakups, Cobie, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, Thoughts

I'm trying to be a better person. I am by nature a grudge holder...a bad one. I can stew for years over someone who stole my turn at shotgun or a person who smoked the last cigarette in my pack at a bar. However I guess after the Ed disaster I figured grudge holding isn't doing me any favors so I have delved into the realm of a combination denial and acceptance. Basically when something pisses me off I give myself a specific length of time to be pissed over something. The pout timer is set according to the level of unforgivable deception to which I was subjected to.

So here is the story we all know I am obsessed with my beloved Amanda Palmer and purchased my priceless tickets to see her in Chicago and Minneapolis. I bought train tickets for my voyage to the city and took the entire week off to visit with my family, then cobie for the concert then back to visit alice and go the second concert on friday.

Yeah well Cobie called bragging about wonderful Halloween in Chicago with good weather...which is slightly annoying enough in the first place considering I was drinking Riesling out of a pink cat-shaped bottle of wine by myself on a friday night. But I digress this is not the point of my story. He proceeds to tell me that hes going on vacation...the first week of December with Apple. I mention the concert which he conveniently forgot and then dug himself a deeper grave by saying he didn't book it just to get out of it...and then says he pretty much hated the CD (Yeah thats when the pissed metter hit 10). And he had to know it too because I was doing the thats okay with tone and didnt do my normal 3hour "feelings" monologue.

Yeah I didn't think he did it on purpose until that last moment but first lets talk about Apple. I have nothing against her in fact shes okay with me. But you know that girl in high school that was just so much better than you, and you kinda felt like the side kick friend meant to stand around just to make her look better? Yeah well that's Apple. And for some reason Apple with Cobie makes me into some 3yr old jealous kid. Did Cobie ask me to go on vacation...no. Even though I happened to have the entire week off anyway so I could of gone. Then there was that I wasn't trying to get out of it...who says that unless they were trying to get out of it? Perhaps I'm reading to much into it (that is a bad habit of mine)

This evenings incident has transformed into 15yr old crazy Ava well except I have wine, cigarettes and no parents breathing down my neck. Its a small improvement but I'll take what I can get at this point. I'm willing to let this go. I bitched to Alice who is now extra dedicated to attending the Minneapolis show so at least I'm not completely missing out. I've written my blog admitting to everyone I'm an immature jealous baby and now its time to get over it and weigh my options.

I know I will simply start to starve myself (so I'm skinny and adorable), go to med school, cure cancer then become a famous actress and be too busy with all my new super cool rich smart friends and then be too busy to ever hang out with my old friends again...oh well accept Alice I can name the cancer cure after her and I will tell everyone it was because she went to that Amanda Palmer concert with me. (This option although pleasing on paper seems perhaps mildly unrealistic)

Lets get back to reality I will sell the tickets on ebay or just give them to some crazy fan on myspace (that does seem like the more altruistic thing to do). I'm not willing to throw $135 down the toilet for train tickets so I will go home visit my family for a few days and spend the time they are at work studying for my boards. So its not exactly the fun I was hoping for but it does sound like the kind of vacation 15yr old looser Ava would have. I'm done now, time for a new bottle of wine.

Labels: Alice, Bitching, Cobie, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Music, Thoughts, Tiff, Wine

Do you ever have one of those days where out of nowhere you totally loose you shit? Maybe its just me. Today started harmlessly enough. A drive back to Rochester, some dvr degrassi, chat with cobie.

Then the phone call from the parents and boom homesick. I've been trying to avoid the truth that all this economy bullshit is going to affect me and my master plan of getting the hell out of Rochester by spring 2010.

You know what I don't believe the stock market and housing market is going to bounce back in a few months and that makes me stuck here. Sorry Obama I know your great and all and I will vote for you, however I do not think you are magic. Yeah...I'm stuck. Trapped....Smothered and alone in Rochester freaking Minnesota.

So there I was bitching to my parents and after the switch to talking to my dad the blubbering started. I waannnaaa coooommmmmeee hoommme! Alice is moving and I'm going to be totally and utterly alone. My grandpa is dying....and I haven't even seen him since august. I'm a horrible granddaughter a horrible daughter, Ill never sell my house Ill be here forever with people that hunt and despise public transportation, they don't even have opera here...anyways I went on but you get the point.

This is pretty pathetic from a 27yr old whom has lived 300+ miles away for the last 9years of her life. You would think I'd be over it....but I'm not.

The Schaumburg house was mentioned...where I continue my blubbering of how i cant afford a 200K house that needs major overhauling (like new electric, and well interior everything). The fact I kinda always knew was confirmed I wouldn't have to pay for the house.

I guess this has been discussed with my grandmother and parents waaay more than I anticipated. Their plan is grandma would move in to them which would make it easier for them to take care of her. Grandma would keep the house (mostly for tax reasons to my benefit) I would pay "rent" which would basically cover the taxes and when the time came I would inherit it and do with it what I wanted.

I guess my grandma isn't crazy about releasing the house to developers that are just going to rip it down to build some schaumburgian mini-mansion and much rather it stay at least more or less physically there.

So its kinda a win-win-win

Its a good deal I admit. And considering the fact that at best I will only be able to rent my house out...and even if I did sell it with the decline in value there is no way I would have 20% left to put down on a car, let alone a new home. Being in Schaumburg is 1000X times better than here. Its only a 40minute train ride to the city where I can spend my weekends shacking up with Alice and Cobie.

But Ava what about your perfect condo in the city, drinks after work at the corner bar and walking your dogs with their coach collars and leash sets to the conveniently located dogpark where you would inevitably meet the man of your dreams and fall madly in love? (one hell of a run-on) I'm willing to let that go...quite easily in fact. You know what I like to do after work? sit and watch TV. This hardly requires and expensive condo in the city. You know what else I like having a fenced in yard for the dogs so I don't have to walk them. Its a luxury I've become quite accustomed to.

And I'm not getting any younger a weekend in Chicago already makes me feel like I'm 100 and quite frankly I don't fit in with the taxi-taking botox stiletto down-towners. I'm much better with the nordstrom rack suv suburbanites. Hey at least I would be within a 10minute drive to IKEA. There is also that whole kid thing. Much cheaper to ship them off to good suburban schools than pay for pricey private ones so they don't get shot.

Another Schaumburg bonus. No daily parental inquisitions. They are convinced my bubble headed ways will end with a phone call saying they have found my body in multilated and left in a dumpser, raped and being eaten by rats.

Here is the thing though..guilt. Yes my parents have been very generous with me but I have never been one of those kids. I hear about parents putting down payments on houses for their kids or worse yet buying them outright and I roll my eyes and think what a looser. Can't they just grow up and stand on their own two feet? I Miss Ava Mazur am Oh SO much better than them.

I'm headed down old maid spinster ally and my home and job and relative financial "success" is the only leg I have to stand on. So I have my pride. But I'm just not happy here. I know I'm truly not happy here because I love my new job. I love the people, I love being out in the hospital, I love that I'm actually getting to work on projects. But the moment I leave work I realize that's all I have which is really quite depressing.

Maybe its time I swallow that pride, it doesn't seem hardly worth hanging on to.

Labels: Alice, Chicago, Cobie, Depressed, Family, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work

Happy October 15th it is the middle of the month and therefore seems as good a time as any to sit around and be depressed about celebrate my one year anniversary of chastity. Maintaining my purity has been completely not my choice required a good deal of willpower. However I have managed to maintain my sanity by purchasing enough batteries to provide electricity to not one but two impoverished nations taking up meditation and practicing the ancient art of writing haiku. Hopefully soon I will stumble across an undiseased penis my one true love, with who I can fuck share all my deepest hopes and dreams. Until then I will eat my feelings celebrate the freedom and joy of being single.

Labels: Glass Half Empty

You know I am not so lucky when it comes to fate. I have resigned myself to being entirely too peculiar to be appreciated by any male that has an affinity for the opposite sex. And I'm picky. I've tried to be more flexible but I guess I'm just not willing tone down the authentic me. Not to mention that the first thought that flashes across my mind when I meet available guys is "what a tool."

Enter Mister Inconvenient Impossibility (MII).

I was at XS with my chums and part of the imported group was MII. Tall, not skinny, cute, nerd glasses, smart, funny and oh so fits in with my group of people. Well I suppose my friends are his friends so that's a given. We chatted we flirted. I was well quite frankly too drunk. Like stupid college kid drunk. So my filter was even more porous that usual however MII still for some unfathomable reason seemed to take a liking to me.

So you are expecting me to gush and giggle now. Name our future children, imagine our engagement and pick out colors for the wedding. Believe me I would want nothing more than to sicken you all with a the fairytale romance of perpetually single Ava Mazur finding Mister Right...well lets be realistic Mister Possibility. But as you will notice this man is named Mister Inconvenient Impossibility more specifically he lives over 11 hours away, in Ohio.

I would like to say our small weekend connection ended with a kiss and exchanged emails where we could chat and be friends...you never know were something might lead which would make him Mister Snowballs Chance in Hell.

But no it ended with him being realistic which really only pisses me off because I didn't get the opportunity to be realistic first.

Although honestly I guess I'm not really realistic. Despite my best efforts I do have hope in general of finding someone and don't like to throw away leads all willy nilly. I would take a snowballs chance in hell over impossibility any day.

Labels: Boys, Crushes, Drinking, Friends, Glass Half Empty

So I headed to Lacrosse for my super awesome birthday shenanigans. The festivities were to be held on Saturday July 19th, a day premature but logistically best for the observation of such an occasion. Much like Washington's birthday is observed on a Monday to give children and people with cushy jobs a three day vacation.

Just so you get the full effect I will start at 12am...I arrive downtown, Alice is drunk and convinces me and Rory to meet her at a bar. Normally I would not object but seeing as I had left in a hurry I was still wearing my lovely burgundy scrubs complete with sensible white crocks. I had half a beer and played cards while Alice flittered about.

After the bar we got to Alice's where she set us up with a movie and passed out. Alice is frugal which is endearing in most cases, however its less endearing when it comes to her "air conditioning" which consists of a fan that used to isolate. I keep my thermostat set at 70 and pay the bill almost gleefully in summertime. It is a luxury I have come to require. I'm convinced the heatstroke lead to my headache and resulting insomnia. The movie was over at 4am, I checked my facebook and myspace then settled for some quizzes on okcupid. After taking a quiz on lucid dreaming ability I ended up on wikipedia which entertained me until the sun rose at about 6:30am and I was finally ready for bed.

I slept until 1:30pm listened to NPR while reading my book and ate a tomato sandwich for lunch. At 5:30 we were finally dressed and went to buzzard billy's for blackened chicken salad and a side of french fries with the best ranch dressing ever.

We then went to G & S's house because they have air conditioning & cable and watched T.V. until 11:45. It was then that my dream of going out died swiftly with an impromptu trip to Mc Donalds. I should have been having a free birthday shot or ringing a bell at some college bar but instead I was ordering a no.2 no onions minutes before closing and not caring that the poor schmucks serving me were most likely annoyed that they had to clean the grill yet again before frolicking off to fun and frivolity. Even though that was me only 5years ago.

So am I upset that my birthday bash was well...totally lame? No, not really because I'm not the 5yrs ago me. I would feel stupid ringing a birthday bell (although truth be told I've never rang one). I don't want people singing to me at restaurants and I don't really even care that I can get a free entree if I bring 3 other diner's with me for my birthday meal.

Ava's birthday observed started when I turned 21 and was a good summer excuse to get together and do something a little outside the ordinary. Over the years it has made up all the trauma left from never getting to sit in the birthday chair at school or passing out cupcakes to my classmates. But maybe its time to move on.

Today I am 27. I have the feeling each birthday leading up to 30 is going to be hard for me. Not that I feel any younger than that age in fact if I got to pick my age non-chronologically I would probably choose early 30's but its a reminder...of how my life is off balance.

In some ways I feel ahead of the curve: family relationships, friends, job, financial stability, mental security all that sort of stuff is good.

Then the sad lame Ava pops up where I realize that relationship-wise I may as well be 15. Really no improvement, no hopefuls. And each time I log into some wretched networking site and see a photo of a friend's baby or or a couple hugging in front of a sunset on their honeymoon I can't help but thinking. Did I totally miss the bus?

I'm told these things all happen on different time tables. I'm told I'm smart, funny, caring, hell even beautiful once in awhile but these people are my friends. I can't help but blame myself...at least a little. I find myself saying if you just lost the weight, if you didn't cry at every animated movie, if you didn't flick off that guy that cut you off in traffic, if you didn't waste so much time dating the wrong people, if you weren't as successful, if you didn't like weird music or documentaries or talking about random articles on wikipedia, you would be that girl in front of the sunset.

But in truth most of these things I really don't want to change. Which makes me feel a bit destined for a life of being perpetually single. Am I too stubborn to change? Is there really room in my life for another person? Would I even give Mr. Right a chance? My honest answer is no. Even if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I would probably dismiss him and not even know he was there in the first place. This is what makes me sad.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Birthdays, Depressed, Dreams, Drinking, Food, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work

For the record I remember first falling asleep last night at around 1:00am, I remember waking up and seeing 2am, 2:45, 3, 3:15, 3:50, 4:15 and I got up at 4:45. Rested I think not!

It was like this all last week. Who has some sure fire sleep tips? I could use some. I normally try to avoid naps but I'm thinking maybe a nap today after work isn't such a bad idea. Here has what I've tried so far:

• No caffeine after noon
• NyQuil
• Guided Relaxation/Hypnosis Tapes
• Not going to bed until tired (which means I watch bad TV and play spider solitaire until 4am)
• Not using big lights after it gets dark outside

I'm sure this is all stress I am not very good at not being confident in what I'm doing. It's a new job and all new stuff but not being able to walk around as the know-it-all just doesn't sit well with me. Causing panic. What if I screw up? What if I can't get this? What if some patient wallops me in the face and stabs me with their infected AID's needle?

Paranoid? Yes. Exhausted? Yes.

On the upside everyone at work has been wonderful. The education specialist, my trainer, and in general everyone I work with is helpful and personal. So whats my issue?

Sigh in only a few weeks I will be done with phlebotomy training and I can go back to what I do best. Sitting at a desk, going to meetings, answering emails and making the most awesome excel spreadsheets ever!

Labels: Bitching, Glass Half Empty, Lists

This saturday I purchased a Sony Cyber Shot T70.


It sucked don't buy it. I am a very logical thinker and do not have trouble with computer systems, setting clocks or general electronics. I couldnt get this think flash when I wanted to and out of the 140 pictures I took only 3 were clear. I even rested it on top of a book shelf to take a picture and it said it was unstable. Unless its earthquake season in Minnesota. For 279.99 before tax I expected a little more point and shoot to my point an shoot camera.

Also one of my main reasons for purchasing a new camera is that I wanted the feature where I could swap colors in my camera or take pictures in black and white with only one color remaining. I SPECIFICALLY asked for this feature and and my little ditzy sales lady said uh yes and it can...lalalal. Okay well no it can not do that as I sadly found out after reading the manual and cutting through my if this seal is broken you will have a 15% restocking fee.So I had had it after 3days together I was ready to call it quits and face the best buy return isle. One glass of wine for courage and I was on my way. I as plesantly as I could explained to the teenager behind the desk that I am not mad at them but I am very upset and Im sorry if I yell. I did not yell, and as long as I was willing to exchange the camera I did not have to pay the restocking fee.

Then I was escorted off to my camera section were a very nice gentelman helped me choose the camera that did the feature I wanted AND actually walked me through all the features best yet it used the same type of memory card as my old camera. So when all ways said and done I got a $80 refund to my credit card and a camera I actually wanted.

This was my one and ONLY positive customer service experience at best buy.

Labels: Bitching, Glass Half Empty, Shopping, Stupid People

I spent my morning sitting on a small stool in the middle of a mostly enclosed glass chamber about the size of a 5-minute photo booth. A small black fan whirred above me and a tube jetted out towards my face so I had to sit uncomfortably leaning backward. A nurse instructed me to exhale into the tube, pant and do many breathing techniques that I prefer to reserve for vigorous sex only.

After this “foreplay” my tube dosed me with what I can only imagine is a temporary very potentate strain of pneumonia. My lungs seemed to cave in on themselves; I coughed and quite frankly began to panic as I wheezed for air. The nurse looks at me calmly don’t worry its normal just wait five minutes.”

“5 minutes?! Is she fucking serious?” If I could hold my breath for five goddamn minutes I would quit my job and become an otter on the California coast.

I continued to gasp, and after the initial panic wore off that this bright smiley nurse would happily sit there and watch me die I got through my five minutes, blew into a tube a few more times and was rewarded with a magic inhaled substance that cured me within seconds.

A couple hours later I was in my doctor’s office: “Well I think the headaches are from oxygen depravation, you have asthma.”

Life sucks. As a kid I dreamed of such a magic diagnosis. I was a chubby kid, athletism was not my forte. I was pretty much exclusively the ABSOLUTE LAST person to show up at the finish line for the dreaded bi-annual mile run. Oh how I wanted to sit with the other chubby, nerdy kids at the sidelines who gripped thier inhalers and waved them at PE teachers prior to getting their study hall passes. Where as I had to “run” well okay walk quickly…kinda quickly....until I ambled my way to the finish.

Now at the age of 26….my dreams came true. Unfortunately it has been a good 9 years since anyone has forced me to run any distance let alone a mile and I don’t think this is a streak likely to be broken. By the way… who the hell gets diagnosed with asthma 3months AFTER quitting smoking? Irony.

Labels: Embarassing Stories, Exersize, Glass Half Empty, Health

I'm going to do something most people dont complain about...my roomate doing the dishes. I clean the rest of the kitchen she is in charge of dishes since she generates about 3x's the amount of dishes I do (since I eat out most of the time). My problem is how she does them.
Step1: Wait until both sinks are so ful that you can no longer fill a measuring cup without traveling to the bathroom faucet.
Step 2: Remove the largest pans covered in black grease and 3-day onld sink water from the pile and set them on the counter (perferedly on top of roomate avas tax forms). Go back to step 1.
Step 3: Begin leaving pans, dishes and glasses on the stove itself so now one can not even cook to create more dishes.
Step 4: Use the last spoon, knife or fork. (did I mention I own a minimum of four complete sets of flatware)
Step 5: Wait 3 days because you know your roomate is nerodic and its driving her crazy so she might do it when she cleans the kitchen. (To be fair I am to blame for this pattern because sometimes it does really just drive me that insane...now I clean the surfaces not covered by dishes and call it a day).
Step 6: After the 3 days has past wait for a perfect day.

Today I was awoken prematuraley twice. The first time was by smiley at 6:30 with a warm hand rubbing my back and some kisses. Nice. After smiley departed for work I easily drifted back off to sleep.

The second time was at 8am to simultanious water running, glass clanking, drawer slamming, cooking and dishes making nosises ever. I just wanted to sleep. I rather have a kitchen full of dishes than a roomate who has wakes me up while doing them.

Labels: Glass Half Empty, Roommates, Smiley