Gas, Metra and CTA transportation......$60

Lunch at Portillos.....$7

>10 vodka based drinks....$80+ dollars

Ice Cream at 5am.....$3 with "complimentary" ice cream scoop

Breakfast for two at our posh hotel....$60

Fun weekend with friends....Priceless

Labels: Birthdays, Chicago

I'm sick of studying. So I'm going to do something out of character for me I'm giving up. I have been so stressed lately I'm worried about my grandfather whose mind is going, and is dying of cancer. The medicine they are giving him is slowing things down but its just a matter of time. My little grandmother is being dragged to specialist after specialist and is scheduled for surgery next week to remove her cancer, they seem unsure of what will happen after that. Its just alot.

Then today after a week of anguish and constant studying I took yet another practice test, with no improvement of my score. I'm frustrated, I'm tired and I'm going crazy. Something has to give. So I sat in front of the computer stressed and disappointed thinking, why am I doing this to myself?

The answer is to move back to Chicago, for hopeful job growth, in case I will need it if I don't get grandfathered in during regulatory policy changes (which is unlikely). These aren't very good reasons considering the toll it is taking on me. My brain has shut down I'm quite simply too frustrated to learn.

I will still take my test this Saturday but I'm done preparing for it. I am going in expecting to fail and that is OK. I will enjoy my summer, I will clean my house, I will visit my family and spend time with my boyfriend. I will have a life again. When the snow begins to fall next winter I will open a book again and try at my own pace and if I don't want to do it then that's okay too.

If I do ever decide to try boards again it will be different, less pressure, longer time of studying doing it casually, doing it on my terms. Then if the day ever comes that I decide hey I know this stuff I'm ready...that is when I will apply for a retake. But for now I'm sick of putting my life on hold and I'm going to stop waiting...stop waiting for school to be over, stop waiting for the perfect job to open up in Illinois, stop waiting for the economy to turn around so I can sell my house. Nope its time to just be. And if that means I'm in Minnesota forever its okay. My parents will eventually move here and I will have a family again. I will hopefully have a family of my own one day and not having to move to accommodate one would be nice. This is my house I will decorate it not for resale but for me. I live here I should enjoy it.

I went to church where I was greeted so warmly, it was so nice to leave the house, so nice to remember there are people in my own backyard that are thinking about me and care about me. I went out to dinner. I talked to my parents who were tossing around ideas of where to move out here, and gave me blessings on my decision.

It was a good day. I'm happy. I'm calm. I'm OK.

Now I'm going to push my books under my coffee table turn on the TV and start a blanket for my soon to be cousin. And maybe book a fancy hotel for JSP and I to go to Minneapolis next weekend.

Labels: Bitching, Chicago, Depressed, Family, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, JSP, School, Thoughts

Growing up in the burbs one is taught to fear the city. Especially when half of the parental duo grew up in said city, and in not the nicest part…Of course time has passed and after countless trips the “downtown” area my fears have been alleviated although I have never gone alone. The L maps confuse me, I have no sense of direction and my iPhone map application always seems to loose its ability to connect at the most inopportune times (thank you AT&T) so my venture to the concert did have some nerves associated with it.

My anxieties were completely unfounded. I browsed around the loop went to the historic Marshall Fields (which I suppose I should admit is Macy’s but refuse) so many clothing options…so many cashmere sweaters even in my size…frango mints and well just more of everything. I took a cab to my hotel chatted with people in the lobby none of which uttered the phrase “you betcha” or talked about hunting, 4-wheeling, camping or getting their ice shanties ready to put on some god forsaken frozen lake.

The hotel was wonderful in was right smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood filled with three flats and low rise apartments/condos. I walked the block and a half to Jewel and bought overpriced food and wine, stopped to browse at available condos adds in the window of the real estate office and popped in at a bar for a pre-dinner drink.

Home is a funny concept. When I have a bad day…or year I find myself saying I just want to go home, but in my years away from where I grew up the concept has gotten fuzzy. Since my parents have moved to no-where’s Illinois being with them isn’t quite home and Rochester well my stubborn streak never even gave it half a chance. Maybe it was because I was happy about being on vacation or excited to go to my concert but walking through the neighborhood, shopping at Jewel and not saying hi to people as I pass them on the street suited me just fine. I was in a place where my evening entertainment was a cab ride away, any store or restaurant I could ever want to go was here. I was happy, I was by myself but I was where I wanted to be.

On a sleeting Wednesday night in December I was standing on a Wrigleyville street corner hailing a cab and I knew...I knew I was home.

Labels: Chicago, Family, Thoughts

Much like the American Idol Kelly Clarkson, I am "Miss Independent." -That was a joke folks stick with me here.

Today I booked my hotel for the Chicago Amanda Palmer show. No I didn't book some prissy (ahem safe) Michigan Ave room. Nope two star nothside for me. The good side its literally one itty bitty mile from my concert and two blocks from Wrigley and at $125 the price tag was tre' chic. It doesn't look too bad so hopefully I wont return from my stay with a raging case of scabies. Now I just have to figure out how to take the bus/L from union station to get there. I shall figure that out later. Besides worst care scenario I can use my savings to splurge on a cab.

The other problem is the dad factor. Do I blatantly lie? Daddy dearest will be mental at the thought of his little bubble-headed princess navigating the city alone, staying in a hotel without a doorman and going to a concert where I think he figures (and rightfully so) I will be drunk beyond sensibility. Regardless of what he says I will go (for christ sake I'm 27) and the only person that would really suffer from such a disclosure is my saintly mother who will have to hear him suffer in 40 decibel "silence" all while calling local hospitals until 8am the next morning when my mother will finally lift the ban on calling me. So full disclosure is probably not the best idea for this situation, but I'm not very good about lying...especially to my parents...especially without getting caught :P I think the best tactic will be to spring it on them at the last minute. I'll think on it.

Aside from all this I'm very proud of myself. I'm excited, I'm going alone on a little adventure... now if I only knew how to dress goth so I could fit in with the concert goers.

Labels: Chicago, Dresden Dolls, Drinking, Family, Music

Do you ever have one of those days where out of nowhere you totally loose you shit? Maybe its just me. Today started harmlessly enough. A drive back to Rochester, some dvr degrassi, chat with cobie.

Then the phone call from the parents and boom homesick. I've been trying to avoid the truth that all this economy bullshit is going to affect me and my master plan of getting the hell out of Rochester by spring 2010.

You know what I don't believe the stock market and housing market is going to bounce back in a few months and that makes me stuck here. Sorry Obama I know your great and all and I will vote for you, however I do not think you are magic. Yeah...I'm stuck. Trapped....Smothered and alone in Rochester freaking Minnesota.

So there I was bitching to my parents and after the switch to talking to my dad the blubbering started. I waannnaaa coooommmmmeee hoommme! Alice is moving and I'm going to be totally and utterly alone. My grandpa is dying....and I haven't even seen him since august. I'm a horrible granddaughter a horrible daughter, Ill never sell my house Ill be here forever with people that hunt and despise public transportation, they don't even have opera here...anyways I went on but you get the point.

This is pretty pathetic from a 27yr old whom has lived 300+ miles away for the last 9years of her life. You would think I'd be over it....but I'm not.

The Schaumburg house was mentioned...where I continue my blubbering of how i cant afford a 200K house that needs major overhauling (like new electric, and well interior everything). The fact I kinda always knew was confirmed I wouldn't have to pay for the house.

I guess this has been discussed with my grandmother and parents waaay more than I anticipated. Their plan is grandma would move in to them which would make it easier for them to take care of her. Grandma would keep the house (mostly for tax reasons to my benefit) I would pay "rent" which would basically cover the taxes and when the time came I would inherit it and do with it what I wanted.

I guess my grandma isn't crazy about releasing the house to developers that are just going to rip it down to build some schaumburgian mini-mansion and much rather it stay at least more or less physically there.

So its kinda a win-win-win

Its a good deal I admit. And considering the fact that at best I will only be able to rent my house out...and even if I did sell it with the decline in value there is no way I would have 20% left to put down on a car, let alone a new home. Being in Schaumburg is 1000X times better than here. Its only a 40minute train ride to the city where I can spend my weekends shacking up with Alice and Cobie.

But Ava what about your perfect condo in the city, drinks after work at the corner bar and walking your dogs with their coach collars and leash sets to the conveniently located dogpark where you would inevitably meet the man of your dreams and fall madly in love? (one hell of a run-on) I'm willing to let that go...quite easily in fact. You know what I like to do after work? sit and watch TV. This hardly requires and expensive condo in the city. You know what else I like having a fenced in yard for the dogs so I don't have to walk them. Its a luxury I've become quite accustomed to.

And I'm not getting any younger a weekend in Chicago already makes me feel like I'm 100 and quite frankly I don't fit in with the taxi-taking botox stiletto down-towners. I'm much better with the nordstrom rack suv suburbanites. Hey at least I would be within a 10minute drive to IKEA. There is also that whole kid thing. Much cheaper to ship them off to good suburban schools than pay for pricey private ones so they don't get shot.

Another Schaumburg bonus. No daily parental inquisitions. They are convinced my bubble headed ways will end with a phone call saying they have found my body in multilated and left in a dumpser, raped and being eaten by rats.

Here is the thing though..guilt. Yes my parents have been very generous with me but I have never been one of those kids. I hear about parents putting down payments on houses for their kids or worse yet buying them outright and I roll my eyes and think what a looser. Can't they just grow up and stand on their own two feet? I Miss Ava Mazur am Oh SO much better than them.

I'm headed down old maid spinster ally and my home and job and relative financial "success" is the only leg I have to stand on. So I have my pride. But I'm just not happy here. I know I'm truly not happy here because I love my new job. I love the people, I love being out in the hospital, I love that I'm actually getting to work on projects. But the moment I leave work I realize that's all I have which is really quite depressing.

Maybe its time I swallow that pride, it doesn't seem hardly worth hanging on to.

Labels: Alice, Chicago, Cobie, Depressed, Family, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work

Ava has been a busy girl the last couple weekends and I quite simply haven't had the time to blog about all of my goings on so today's post will be a marathon of catching up.

Last weekend:

Saturday I went to Keystone's wedding it was lovely. A country club ceremony (which usually would make me puke) but it was intimate they wrote their own vows which they stumbled through complete with several laughing breaks. The food was good free beer and all and all a good time. Of course that was mostly because Alice was there and we could console each other on being single and fabulous.

Sunday started out on a sour note Alice, Curious, Bag and I were ready to set out for Lallapoloza however we were 3tickets short. The website was failing to email the tickets and there was no phone number to be found. Figuring we couldn't go wrong with a day trip to Chicago we set out for the 5hour drive anyway. We stopped at an Asian market in elk grove and then went to smoke which had the best mac and cheese ever...the BBQ its known for was pretty good too.

When we got to the lake shore the ticket situation was solved and we were in. I think I'm getting a little old for music festivals because the amount of people pot, BO and teenage stupidity was a bit annoying but then again I was sober. We only got to take in two shows: Gnarles Barkley and Kayne West. Now I'm not a big Kayne West fan but live and on his home turf the guy was awesome. Alice has since made me listen to him a lot and he's starting to grow on me even more.

On to this weekend adventure:
Wednesday evening we set out for Nebraska to visit Hairnet and Hef (Cobie was flying in to join us on Friday)...boy is that a horribly long and boring drive and that doesn't even mention the entire state of Iowa which for some reason drives under the speed limit and has construction cones on half the roads for no reason. Highlights of the trip:

• Getting spam postcards at a rest-stop
• Playing taboo...3 times
• Alice talking about Garbage pail kids in her sleep
• Realizing I forgot my Driver's license and all I had was my old expired one
  
• Making fun of the home schooled kid across the street who had to play by herself
  
• Going to a backyard Nebraska wedding....so many bug bits but they had a keg of Stella
• Winning darts at the most horrible gay bar...red states are not known for their gay bars I guess
  
• Getting invited as another Platonic date for a wedding (Cobie's sister is getting married)
• Dreaming with Cobie about backpacking in Europe this spring (Stay tuned for a full post)
• Getting yelled at by that mean lady downstairs that said we were being loud on a Saturday night (get a life)
• Cherry Vodka with fresca and sprite
• I whunt a cinnamon whun and a regular whun
• wii Steven Tyler looks even scarier when animated
• Electric Feel by MGMT
• Sharing a tiny purple velvet blanket with miss bed hog Alice....it's better than a towel though.
• Jackie Pants
  

Labels: Alice, Chicago, Cobie, Friends, Music, Vacation

It's been about 3months since my last period. Most girls would be freaking out but this is quite normal for me....especially since I can't even remember the last time I was close enough to a penis to become impregnated...god the child would have been born by now.

Anyways I'm hoping today's funk is due to pms. The signs are there

• I cried at a commercial
• I watched a lifetime movie and cried again
• My tummy hurts
• I've sat on my couch a lot
• I've googled people I haven't spoken to in years

I did not go to the gym...I did not finish my 15miles and I don't want to hear about it. Today I'm impressed I got the motivation to take a shower. I feel a bit guilty about the 4th. It was supposed to be this long relaxing 5day weekend at home and it turned into this

• Tuesday after work drive to parents house arrive at 9pm
• Wednesday drive 2hrs round trip to pick up grandma, have dinner with parents
• Thursday hang out with grandma, 3ish take 2hr train ride to Chicago....hang with Cobie
• Friday-Cobie
• Saturday-Get up early-drive 2hrs to 3yr old cousins bday party...where I have been threatened with lynching if I show up late. Spend of the rest of the day with extended family, return home with patents (2hr drive home)
• Sunday wake up leave around 12 for a good 6hr drive home with the dogs.

The whole weekend sounds daunting to me. Am I a total bitch for wanting to cancel on all of them and spend five days locked in my room with my dogs? To make matters worse I'm getting the vibe from my parents that they aren't particularly thrilled with me taking a huge chunk out of the weekend to spend with Cobie. I rather not cancel though. True I will be seeing him in august and taking the Chicago trip out of the equation would simplify things but I want to see his new apartment and I think he would be uber pissed if I canceled. Maybe Ill just stay Thursday night and then come home on Friday. That would save him a trip to a toddlers bday party as well.

Okay real time update...I just canceled with Cobie...he is such a saint not to self plan a just-Cobie weekend.

Photo: Art.com
Goal Progress: By bike 4.0miles, walking 2 (ish) miles or so I'm told (Total 13.86) God I suck.

Labels: Birthdays, Bitching, Chicago, Cobie, Depressed, Friends

So I have once again broached the subject of moving to Chicago to my parents. My mother is staying neutral on the issue because I'm an adult and need to follow my own path. My father is resistant to the idea to say the least.

I've pretty much reached the decision that mayo and Rochester is a phase in my life and will come to a close in the next few years. I have dreams of a Chicago style loft on the north side that is cramped has an old balcony, drafts in the winter and outrageous taxes. I will take my dogs in their coach collars on walks to the nearby dog park and go for bike rides on the lake shore. I will have happy hour cocktails with my friends and ride the L while listening to my iPhone.

My father envisions me raped and murdered because I took the wrong train. This is not a fear of mine but my dad is playing a new card. Guilt doesn't work as well as its used to...and he has now moved into the preliminary stages of bribery and compromise of the Schaumburg. My grandmother will be moving in with my parents. Her home requires major work before it could be rented or sold. Enter the seed. A very reasonably priced home (family discount) in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs where I would have enough money left over to do any renovations I wished and have a home that is very "me."

Can dreams be bought? Probably. Why do you think I'm still in Rochester? Its hard to turn down a good paycheck and a good job. Check back with me in 3years we will see where I'm living.

On the flip side I think I'm going to not mention moving until I am in a position to do so, but I'm going to have to figure out a way to win dad over.

Labels: Chicago, Family

I grew up in Chicago..well kinda Schaumburg. Don’t hate me because I lived in the burbs my love of Chicago is unfaltering and if I won the lottery today my house would be on the market and car would be in drive with nothing but me and my two dogs headed straight for the nearest nothside reality office.

The real tragedy of living in a “northside” attitude home as a child is you are brainwashed over several childhood summers to love three things: 1-Wrigly field 2-The Cubs and 3- Chezzburger chezzburger no pepsi…coke.

I’m currently sitting in bed avoiding my homework and watching the cub’s game. We are in first place 2 ½ games ahead. Sigh hope. It’s the most gut wrenching part. It has been 99 years since a world series win. All due to the billy goat curse.

Most cub fans think the curse will be magically lifted at the 100yr mark. Seems reasonable isn’t it a hard and fast rule that curses have a 100yr expiration date? The problem is the curse didn’t happen in 08. It happened in 1945. That means the 100yr theory would only really work out if we maintained our dry spell through 2045…bummer. I would be 72. My poor father 101. In researching the curse on wikepedia I discovered that the theory is that cub fans must love goats (not just have them around for publicity) in order to break it. So I am here to do my part.

Why I love goats:

1- They hail from Europe just like my family so we are relatives and you always have to love your family

2- Goat hides used to be used for wine bottles. I like wine.

3- Goats eat everything. I hate mowing my lawn. Maybe I can convince the city to keep a couple in my yard. The whole neighborhood would be improved.

4- MMM goat cheese

5-Goats loudly "bleat" when irritated. I wish I could bleat. I just pout and whine.

Labels: Chicago

Today was busy. I’m supposed to leave straight away after work tomorrow so I should have packed but that is left to be done.

After work I had an appointment with my therapist whom I started seeing when my life was a bit shambly after the break up. It’s not really necessary for me to go anymore but I like going it makes me learn more about myself and keeps me on track. Anyways it was an interesting session.

I was saying how I feel very unsettled in my life because I don’t feel like I have any goals and I’m drifting.

She brought up my going back to school and moving to Chicago wasn’t that a goal? Well yes and no I explained.

Me: Moving to Chicago isn’t a goal it’s simply planning for something irresponsible.

Her: Why is it irresponsible?

Me: Well because I have a great job here, I have plenty of career opportunity, I have a nice house, room for the dogs to run, a church I like. Here is where I should stay that’s the responsible thing to do.

Her: Well then why do you want to move?

Me: Well I don’t like it here. It’s to small, too bland and family oriented. I like Chicago because there is always so much to do, places to eat, public transportation to transport me, my family is there I miss my family, my friends are there or moving there, its my home its where I belong.

Her: Well then why do you think it’s irresponsible?

Me: Because I’m moving there for social reasons

Her: Whets wrong with that?

Me: Because it’s mushy and not a priority (I blurt out)

Whoa what the fuck? I sat back and suddenly realized how ass backwards that is and worst of all it is true. I do think moving to Chicago for friends and family somehow makes me weak, but says who besides me? Why do I think it’s so wrong to leave a place that makes me unhappy for someplace I love? All my life my big life decisions have been based on education or career opportunity. It’s scary. I don’t want to be that person who is 40 and has nothing to show for their life except for a good job and a nice car. I want friends, I want a family and I can do those things and have a job. My life is so out of balance I would say work and school take up about 85% of my physical and mental time. I guess I can deal with that for another year until I graduate but I guess I have to remind myself that that isn’t the way it should be.

Labels: Chicago, Ed, Thoughts

am so tired. It’s been a bit of a weekend from hell. I had a 3-day weekend to celebrate my bday. I took off after work on Friday to Madison to meet this boy I’ve been talking to online. I was actually quite smitten with him drawn out long conversations every night that sort of thing.

The date went pretty well. I had fun he has a bit of a temper on him about stupid things but I think he just doesn’t like to be polite to people who don’t deserve it something I quite frankly wish I did more of. After several drinks we end up making out in front of the bar (tacky I know) and then went back to his place for more making out and talking. Not a bad kisser but he did have a bit of garlic breath. So then things got weird. I wanted to go to bed and he didn’t go with. Who does that? I wasn’t going to sleep with him but I could go for more making out and talking just in a more comfortable place but he stayed up and read. The next morning he barely talked to me it was odd. So yeah my high expectations were dashed…typical.

My cable and internet has decided to go out. I’m a bit lost. I’ve been without internet for days and I need to catch up on important things like checking the blogs I read and myspace and talking to my fake friends that I know basically nothing about besides their screen names. Belmont (my dog) is sick after my very log weekend complete with driving and birthday camping I came home to a house filled with dog poop and puke complete with a curt note from my pet sitter. I’ve cleaned it although I can’t get him to do anything but drink water, he won’t even eat the rice I made him. Maybe I can convince him to eat in the morning.

I’m really quite pathetic I don’t know how to entertain myself anymore. I don’t want to read anything I own sometimes I wish there was a Barnes and Nobel connected to my living room. Most likely Id just pick up some trashy magazine with anorexic Nichole Richee and her pregnant belly that bulges less than my double chin. I want culture. I want to not notice my internet is out because I’m too busy reading classic literature and painting to ever get around to going online.

I want to write poetry. I have written one poem since being required to do so school. It’s bad. I was drunk and very upset when I wrote it one of those unreturned love situations. I actually want to go and read it just to reconfirm it was bad but quite frankly I’m just too lazy to go dig up my old journal.

I’m much better with lists than poetry so here is what I want to do in the next 2years.

1- Apply for a promotion at work

2- Be able to close my old pants…that’s a good 50lbs

3- Pay off my car

4- Pay off my credit cards

5- Finish school and pass boards

6- Get a job in Chicago that is not a step down (lateral is just fine)

7- Buy a crappy condo in Chicago that has one bedroom and a balcony.

8- Sell basically everything I own which is not alive or have sentimental value.

9- Start over

Starting over has such a negative connotation. I don’t want to run away I have nothing to run away from. I have a good job and a nice home in a safe decent town. I’ve just decided it just isn’t me. Chicago is where I belong. I’ve gone out on my own and now its time to go home.

Labels: Belmont, Birthdays, Chicago, Internet Dating, To Do Lists