One of my many guilty pleasures is cyber stalking. I do not expect my addiction to go over into real stalking as I am far to lazy, don't care enough and well gas prices and my gas guzzling American made SUV will not allow it. One of my favorite cyber stalking activities is my ex's sister blog, I always found it entertaining and be not being one to break bad habits I would check in on it occasionally to see what was going on in this used-to-not-be-a-stranger's life.

Several months ago I swore off the blog completely (like for real this time) because I was referenced as a soul sucking harpy, which actually kinda makes me giggle a bit. Anyways last night while attempting to relax before my big test today I breezed through all my normal blogs and was left with that one (Ed's-sister blog) I never visit left over in my favorites. Then one I hadn't noticed before all the way at the bottom Ed's old blog.

Angel: You should just delete that
Devil: Click it! Click it!
Angel: No good can come of this...either he is doing great which will just make you jealous or hes doing horribly which will make you feel guilty.
Devil: If hes doing good your still doing better....if hes doing horribly well thank god you dumped the basta-
Angel: I can't believe you are being so mean don't you have a soul?...just leave it be.
Devil: Oh come on its been about 3yrs since you've heard anything...aren't you just the least bit curious?
Angel: Dammit I can't keep up this act anymore....I'm dying over here open the damn thing

CLICK

Disappointment. The blog was dead a couple posts about nothing, but then there was a link for a new blog. I thought it over for all of about 0.003 seconds before opening the new window.

Its a blog about country music....Really? I read a few posts lots of swearing as he makes fun of the songs and well not entertaining to me but its not exactly my demographic.

Other notable things about the blog:

1. I don't remember Ed liking country music
2. His picture doesn't really look like him-Perhaps its an old picture of a country singer and the joke is just totally lost on me.

The moral of the story my nosy ways didn't dig up any dirt its a good thing on facebook you have to be someone friend to peruse their profile.

Labels: Blogging, Boys, Breakups, Ed, Embarassing Stories

I have a confession to make. I was bored today and out of curiosity I did some Internet stalking. It occurred quite by accident as I stumbled across Ed's sisters blog in my favorites on Internet explorer (which I rarely use). I waned to see what happened with her surrogacy stuff and well I didn't get that far.

I read this quote "I'm thankful that he's no longer with the Wicked Witch of the North and has gone back to being his old self." My heart dropped.

Now to be fair its been almost two years since we broke up and it is possible she is talking about someone else besides me, and I do live "south" of them. Chances are she is talking about me. I felt really bad. I wanted to defend myself to tell her my side of the story. But why? Maybe this comment is just proof that I did the right thing not only for me and him but for his family.

The wicked witch comment stung, but not as long as it normally does because well she is wrong. She doesn't have to know it or believe it but its true. I truly believe that those I love know they can count on me for anything. If any of them needed anything I know I would be there as fast as my rendezvous would take me which makes me a good witch. If I have to be labeled as wicked to get the good done so be it.

I am now going to shamelessly toot my own horn. Breaking up with Ed was a loving decision. I decision I was able to make after being destroyed by a bad relationship and in my own deep depression and self loathing. Quite frankly I can be nothing but thrilled that I was able to catalyze the change in his life that has made him a great person and uncle today and I honestly hope that he is able to achieve whatever his goals are in life.

I am happy for him. I am happy for me. I have no regrets.

Labels: Blogging, Ed

So im minding my own buisness helping a friend write a letter to her no good ex and we end up doing a little myspace viewing. There at the top of the lists is a bulletin posted from Red. Yeah I know i should have deleted him...thats not the point. Well the bulletin said he had a new blog about about some chick (not me) he did have a small snipit on his myspace one...

"ok, all you guys were right, i was a moron to ever think that this chick was normal. Man, was i off...i cant even begin to tell you how stupid i feel or how used. One day she wants to kill me, the next as sweet as pie..omg she was so sweet to me all day, we kept talking and getting along so well and then i drive my ass to her place pick her up and she's as cold as ice...all the way to my place...she says practically nothing. She gets to my house and wont even let me touch her, which is normal for us to do. But no she is just standoffish and stubborn..whatever amber. And then, her fatass bf calls her at my place and she answers, she talks to him in my house when she knows how i feel about it. How fucking disrespectful is that? Not only that but after i finally lose it and start yelling at her, she laughs in my face and throws the mistakes i ever made at me...FUCK YOU AMBER. Well i've come to the decision, shes now officially gone out of my life for good. I've deleted all our pics, everything. It's all gone. I want nothing to do with this bi-polar chick, i keep finding the crazy ones...i must be doing something wrong here."

Yeah so Im pissed right? Okay I was and I did spend a good hour trying to find his blog on youtube. Didnt find it. I did call him...twice. The second time leaving a very cival message saying I saw your bullien Im not call to yell I just want to know the truth. Then I did something that even surprized me. I left a message on his myspace blog. I basically wished him luck, said you will find the right girl someday and I hoped his heart would heal.

The thing is if Im right and im not sure I am but there was a girl who stayed with him while we were still together....who left her significant other. He complained about her said awful things about her....I knew something was up. He cheated. His drama earlier? Im sure its lies...to cover up whatever he was doing.

Will I ever hear from Red again? I doubt it. Do I care...well not really. You know I can sit here in my pretty suburban house not saving the white trash cheeting boyfriends of the world and feel pretty damn peachy about it.

It is not my job to save people who have no respect for me and no interest in saving themselves. So Red good luck to you. For Ed it took me 5yrs to get him out of my life. You were done in the month. So the next Red or Ed that comes around. Im hoping he doesnt get a second date.

Labels: Bitching, Breakups, Ed, Moral Outrage, Red, Stupid People

So I was on mybloglog.com and there is this thing that tells you your recent readers. One of which was Ed’s sister. I thought this to be an obseard coincidence until I realized that I breached my own anonymity by having my log-in for mybloglog to not be my alias ava mazur but my screen name I have used since before I had pubic hair. Sigh old habits die hard. Anyways I go back to the post where I talk about Ed’s sister’s blog see I Wont Go Where Im Not Wanted Note the comment from anonymous “Yep, these things can get very ironic” I can only imagine that person’s Identity.

I can not tell you the self restraint it took to stick to my vow of not reading her blog. Just to see if she said anything about me now that she knows I’m not reading anymore. Of course I can imagine I’m a cameo appearance in her world at best so I doubt she would waste the time. What does matter to me though is if Ed reads my blog. The whole point of the fake names was to protect the innocent. Ed has enough problems he doesn’t need to hear about me dating a bunch of guys. In fact he doesn’t need to hear about me at all. I’ve gotten to the point where days go by when I don’t even think about him or how he has affected my state of being or life. I couldn’t imagine that were possible if I had the temptation of knowing what was going on in his day to day life.

I took a gander at my stats today St.Cloud 76 views. Now I don’t know if this is Ed. It’s doubtful I believe he is living in St. Joseph (or whatever it’s called) but who knows they are close cities and sometimes things don’t come up with the real city they are in. But Ed if you are reading this delete the link. I cant stop you from visiting and actually I dont care if you read it. But I know it wouldnt be healthy for me to read your blog so I can only imagine it wouldnt be healthy for you to read mine. I am just going to hope that your sister kept my blog to herself to spare you and I am talking to no one.

It’s funny how you can go back and read your posts in a whole new light. In general I am pleased with my words though. I don’t think I’ve bashed anyone. Mostly I’ve just whined about how unfair life is to me.

Labels: Blogging, Ed, Stats

Ed’s sister has had a blog going for quite awhile and it has been my habit to read it something that never occurred to me might be inappropriate. After all essentially at this point she is a stranger I’m never going to see here again I don’t post comments I just read it as mindless entertainment. Today she was talking about the problem of having people you know actually read your blog (see the excerpt below).

“There's probably nothing that I would want to discuss here that I haven't already talked about with my parents but it doesn't feel right throwing it all out there knowing that my MIL or one of Jesse's friends or my brother's ex might read it all.” –Ed’s sister

After reading it I made the quick decision to never read her blog again. I deleted the link and even though I have the addy committed to memory I have no intent of visiting it again. I don’t like being an undesirable.

The thing that really gets my goat with this is I forget that there is a whole world out there that didn’t get my side of the story from the breakup. St.Cloud must think I'm some mega bitch that broke some poor guy’s heart and kicked him out two months before the wedding and didn’t even return the ring. Eh fuck em.

Labels: Ed

Today was busy. I’m supposed to leave straight away after work tomorrow so I should have packed but that is left to be done.

After work I had an appointment with my therapist whom I started seeing when my life was a bit shambly after the break up. It’s not really necessary for me to go anymore but I like going it makes me learn more about myself and keeps me on track. Anyways it was an interesting session.

I was saying how I feel very unsettled in my life because I don’t feel like I have any goals and I’m drifting.

She brought up my going back to school and moving to Chicago wasn’t that a goal? Well yes and no I explained.

Me: Moving to Chicago isn’t a goal it’s simply planning for something irresponsible.

Her: Why is it irresponsible?

Me: Well because I have a great job here, I have plenty of career opportunity, I have a nice house, room for the dogs to run, a church I like. Here is where I should stay that’s the responsible thing to do.

Her: Well then why do you want to move?

Me: Well I don’t like it here. It’s to small, too bland and family oriented. I like Chicago because there is always so much to do, places to eat, public transportation to transport me, my family is there I miss my family, my friends are there or moving there, its my home its where I belong.

Her: Well then why do you think it’s irresponsible?

Me: Because I’m moving there for social reasons

Her: Whets wrong with that?

Me: Because it’s mushy and not a priority (I blurt out)

Whoa what the fuck? I sat back and suddenly realized how ass backwards that is and worst of all it is true. I do think moving to Chicago for friends and family somehow makes me weak, but says who besides me? Why do I think it’s so wrong to leave a place that makes me unhappy for someplace I love? All my life my big life decisions have been based on education or career opportunity. It’s scary. I don’t want to be that person who is 40 and has nothing to show for their life except for a good job and a nice car. I want friends, I want a family and I can do those things and have a job. My life is so out of balance I would say work and school take up about 85% of my physical and mental time. I guess I can deal with that for another year until I graduate but I guess I have to remind myself that that isn’t the way it should be.

Labels: Chicago, Ed, Thoughts

Last night was rough. This whole Ed conversation has worn on me. I was up until 4ish last night and did not at all hear my alarm go off this morning. I rolled over in bed saw the time and finally got in about four hours late. Actually I probably wouldn’t have slept at all if it weren’t for “Sport.” I had briefly dated him for a couple months this spring. We had an amicable breakup he was still healing from his ex and also moving a good 5 ½ hours away. He has also suffered a broken engagement and even though his fiancée was more bitch than sick-o he can relate to me better than anyone else I know.

This was actually the first real conversation we had since the breakup and I remembered all the things I liked about him. He has a fragile soul and a good heart and can recognize mine as the same. He understands my unrealistic hopes, my optimism and my utter despair when things invariably turn out horribly.

When I returned from work I did an impulse stop at World Market to browse and ended up in the wine store. I love wine. I love the bottles, I love the glasses, I love sitting on my chair reading a book and having a glass. Here is the problem I have a palate of a 4year old. I only like dessert wines, to be fair I usually have it as dessert so I like to think its okay. My favorites are icewine…something my wallet doesn’t much appreciate but today I deserve it.

Todays selection 2004 Jackson-Triggs Proprietors Reserve Vidal Icewine 187ml, a steel at $19.99. Im going to listen to my Dresden Dolls drink my wine and fall in love with myself and my life again.

“This Icewine displays rich tropical aromas of papaya, mango and apricot. Bold fruit flavours balanced with fine acidity caress the palate and conclude with an exquisite silky finish." –Wine Globe

Labels: Breakups, Dresden Dolls, Ed, Sport, Wine

Almost four years since I knew the truth about my ex I had it validated today. I got my closure. Ed has been iming me. Usually it was just once a month or so checking in but lately it’s been every time I’m online. I’m not exactly comfortable with this arrangement but I don’t say anything. Today he tells me that he’s been talking with his therapist a lot about people he’s hurt and making amends.

So he makes amends for when we broke up and he said he would hurt himself even though I said that would hurt me. FUCKER! That’s what he has to make amends for? I am not standing for that. On my list of grievances that didn’t even make the top 20 actually I had pretty much forgotten about that.

I was going to try to paraphrase but that’s just too hard here is the conversation minus the real names of course.

Me: i guess of all the things that i would expect you to make amends of that isnt the one i would pick

Him: Well

Him: I have apolgized for the porn thing, and the going to Florida thing

Him: that doesnt mean they are all ok now

Him: I just needed to say it

Me: you have never truely appoligized for the "porn" thing

Him: Maybe not

Me: youve never truely admited it

Me: at least not to me

Me: maybe not to yourself

Him: Ava

Him: I'm sorry that I had a sickness, that I allowed it to continue without getting help, and I am sorry that you were subjected to it

Me: first of all noone ever has "had" a sickness

Me: second of all you never validated or admited to what i saw

Him: You saw it, it was true....I lied to you that day because I was ashamed

Me: the nature of it?

Him: Yes

Him: the nature of it

Him: I'm sorry, I really just meant to say hi tonight

Him: I didnt mean to drop this all on you

Me: No this was good, Ive wanted to hear that for a long time

Me: but now you have to let me go

Him: Do you mean, not talk anymore

Me: yes

Me: ed you were bad when you were with me

Me: IM part of that old life

Me start your new one and let me start mine

Him: Ava

It’s and odd thing tonight. I’m a mess and this is the best I can describe it. Say you are eight and your old childhood dog is sick. And you dad says oh fido is going to live on a farm now so you say goodbye and your sad and you kinda know that fido is dead. Then three years later your mom tells you that they just had fido put down he wasn’t on some magic farm to cure him. Yes you have gotten over your beloved dog and yes you kinda knew what happened. But knowing the truth to be just as bad as you imagined it makes it real.

Labels: Breakups, Death, Ed, Internet Conversations

Right after I broke up with Ed I signed up for Match.com. I went on two dates from Match. One actually lasted through a few and then it ended when he basically said a woman’s place was at home with the kids…whoa did I just step back into 1952? The second guy was not only unattractive he had nothing to say. To make things worse he sent me a message saying we weren’t a match before I had the opportunity to.

I had a profile up on yahoo personals for awhile but never paid for it so didn’t have much success in communicating. Also the whole vibe I got from the site was a bunch of people who just wanted someone to screw. Not exactly my demographic (most days).

Well then there is myspace, okcupid and facebook yeah I’m on all of those too. I’ve met a few people nothing interesting. Myspace was the only one that provided a “sorta kinda dating relationship” with the Deputy. The Deputy was the type of guy who puts his best food forward perfect gentleman, knows exactly what to say to get you in bed then after a couple months he texts you to say he’s getting back together with an ex. Then a month later says it’s a lie and can we be friends and reignights all your hopes and kisses you when you fall asleep on his couch. Me bitter? No..okay a little.

So I’ve entered the final frontier eharmony.com for a three months subscription it was over 100bucks pretty steep considering in the entire country I am apparently only compatible with 19 people. Out of these 19 so far there is only one that I am interested in and he does not meet my “traditional” criteria. In all fairness though my personality profile is very much me there was only one section that I thought hum I don’t exactly agree with all of that. So yeah I guess there is something to those questions.

He has two boys and takes care of them full time…they both look the same age so we are going to call him Twins. Twins is a student to be a chiropractor and is hella funny. He actually said midget porn in his profile a major plus. Normally I shy away from people with kids however usually fathers are not as integrally involved in their children’s lives as Twins is. There is something super sexy about a good dad. I don’t really know the story about what happened to their mother. I’m assuming a divorce since he said something about a volatile relationship with her but he thanks her for the best things in his life his sons. I hope all that mushy stuff isn’t all bullshit we will see.

Boy of the moment number 2 “Orgy”. Orgy and I have been having poke wars for the past week. Then finally I got sick of it and I sent him a message. We talked back and forth emailed me three times I was at work and mentioned me in his header message. I know that sounds a bit too much but he was unassuming about it. Best thing about Orgy he is hot! Tall brown hair, blue eyes nice nose kind face…did I mention tall? He is also very no muss no fuss. He seems to be the type of guy that says what’s on his mind even if it’s the wrong thing to say. Apparently he doesn’t read to well though. I was saying I like to try new things within reason (no skydiving, orgies or motorcycles). We talked on the phone tonight and he was convinced that I said I like Orgies. Sigh I do love a hornball.

Labels: Deputy, Ed, Internet Dating, Orgy, Twins

Before we completely delve into my personal life it’s important that you get some history on how I became perpetually single in the first place. Ed and I had been together for almost 5 years. We met in college through an online dating site and then eventually moved in together and had been living at the same address for about 3 years. We had gotten engaged and were to be married in less than three months when I called it off.

Mid August 2006:

I had several good reasons for doing and so and frankly I’m not exactly sure how I let the relationship get so far. So after a five year relationship I ended it “tacky” at best. I was out at lunch with my friends and stepped outside to make the call. I told him I was done there was no more working on things there would be no wedding and he was to be out of the house for the next few hours. I was coming to pick up the dogs and stay with my parents for a few days so he would have time to move his stuff out.

I went back to the table took off my ring gave it to my friend and skipped eating lunch. I was told by my freinds that this is the moment when the weight is supposed to be lifted. It didn’t exactly go like that. See when it ended I think I realized just how messed up it had all been, I didn’t know who I had become or how to get back to the happy me I knew and loved. It was easier to just blame him and be bitter so I made a list of why we weren’t right.

The Ed’s not my guy list

1- In the past three years we only had sex about 10 times. Leading to my insane paranoia of being the most undesirable woman alive.

2- Pornography addiction. This I had known about longer than Id like to admit, and should have ended it as soon as I found out. Its not porn that bothered me (hey I like a little bit of XXX action now and again myself) it was the nature of the porn. Girls who wore toilet bowls around their neck, girls fake gang raped, girls forced to give blowjobs until they gagged and vomited…and worst of all the honest to god girls. I’m not talking some 18 year old in a plaid skirt. I’m mean actually 12-year olds.

3- Lazy. When I met him he was taking a break from school and working a crappy job. I urged him to go on to school and supported him while he finished, I pushed him to get his jobs, to get him to do anything I had to nag. I became a mother.

4- Me myself and I. The only thing that Ed ever did without my pushing was his internship at school. He choose something 3times the required length and across the country. I was not consulted it was not discussed, I was told.

5- Socially Akward. He wasn’t fun to hang out with, period. He mostly complained and was tired all the time. He didn’t like my friends. (Note: My friends are awsome)

I was so mad at myself. I am not a wilting flower, how had I stayed with someone who basically messed up everything I belived about in myself? Was I so desperate to be in a relationship and get married that I would choose someone who would most definitely make it an unhappy after? So welcome to my journey. It’s not pretty and it wont represent me in the best light but its me and I wouldn’t change my experiences for the world.

Labels: Breakups, Ed

Ed was in a funk today. The morning hadnt gone exactly as planned. We woke up and went to church arrived just in time to see everyone leaving. We were hoping to catch the priest to pin down some wedding details. Apparently that wasnt meant to be since the priest is in Poland for the next two weeks.

We drop off our offering and head back home. As we are pulling out I mentionhey do you mind if we stop over at mall of America? Now anyone who has gone to the MOA knows that there is no quick pop in and out.

I cautiously choose my words, Id just like to stop in and look at some china patterns. To Eds merit he quietly accepted his fate and saidUmm ok.

After looking at dishes for two hours Ed is walking around with his hands in his pockets generally being a poop. Of course he did forget his belt so his hands were basically holding up his pants while drooling over pots and gadgets in the kitchen section. He was pawing at a Henkles knife when a devilish idea entered my brain spawned by the site of his droopy drawers.

Im not all cruel I look to the left, look to the rightbehind me all clear! I walk up behind him and with one hand on each side of his leg grab and pull his pants down. Now it was not my original intention but the result was a full de-pantsing.

Okay so just imagine this Ed was standing in the middle of Bloomingdales with his pants and undergarments around his ankles. I didnt mean to draw attention but youd fall over laughing too if you heard the squeak that came out of him and saw that pale derriere out in the open.

You know despite all my hard work to cheer him up he was still cranky after that....hum I guess some people just cant be pleased.

Labels: Ed, Embarassing Stories

I was out to dinner at Outback and had just finished my meal and was beached in the booth waiting for Ed to finish his meal. Two ladies come and sit down in a booth across the aisle from us. They chatter are chattering at a respectable volume when one of the ladies cell phone rings. First of all its loud and something obnoxious like the intro from the A-team. She flips open her phone and starts talkingyeah shes a screamer. Wow lady I dont think the person in the parking lot needed to know you had Burger King for lunch.

She fortunately hangs up the phone after a brief conversation for which I was temporarily thankful. But little was I to know the atrocities that were to follow. She did not replace her phone into her purseno that would be INSANE! She proceeded to flip through all her options for cell phone rings. Pausing briefly after each one to explain its origin and where she downloaded it from.

Oh wait. She would say to her compainion. You have to hear this one its Baby Got Back!

Oh and heres the polyphonic version. I just couldnt decide which I liked better. She continued on like this for quite some time.

I had to endure:

• The crazy frog
• The Devil Went Down to Georgia
• Something by Nickleback
• And of course the CanCan

This is by no means a complete list I am not able to remember all of them since my brain has begun to block the experience out as some sort of defense mechanism. So I leave you with this. I plead to you my general public if you must pick a unique cell phone ring for all of your friends do so in the privacy of you own home. Thank yourant concluded.

Labels: Ed, Food, Stupid People

So I have this uncanny ability to attract horrid service dinning establishments. Thus I have many places that I am boycotting. affectionately known as the list. I restaurant can easily prevent itself from being on my list by:

A. Just doing their goddamn job in the first place

B. Compensating me for my mental distress.

C. Being really really good so I cant resist eating there.

Today is Ed's b-day and we decided to his Coldstone creamery for a bit of a late nice ice-cream snack. Coldstone is a bit pricey so we always like to get a pint each and take it to go. Its not much more expensive than getting a regular size and it in theory has the opportunity to last longer. Of course I bet you can imagine how well that goes.

So we enter and there are 4 teenage girls behind the counterthere are about 4 teens in front of us. They obviously all knew each other and were talking. About a year later the foursome gets their ice-cream (which by the way wasnt paid for) and one of the girls takes the time to help us.

Help is a creative word to use here since she was just standing in front us looking annoyed. I let Ed go first and he ordered a pint of peanut butter ice cream. She scooped up a bit that looked way to small to be a pint. So as shes adding the mix-ins I said (much louder than necessary). Ed HONEY YOU KNOW WITH A PINT YOU CAN GET THREE MIX-INS IF YOU WANT. This chick was too oblivious. She puts the ice cream in a like-it cupwhich is code for the smallest size they sell.

Okay tangent but what the fuck is up with sizing like that. Why cant it just be Small, Medium and Large? I dont understand the difference between large, Biggie and Grande and when you start throwing in gotta have it you are asking for a beating in my opinion.

I have taken at starbucks to ordering a SMALL mocha latte. Its not that I dont understand the Starbucks lingo Im completely fine with saying skinny or no whip that has a purpose. Saying Tall instead of small? Theres just no need. When I ask for my small coffee the little girl behind her counter cocks her empty little head and inevitably asks Do you mean tall? I stare her down and want to say NO you over-caffeinated bitch I mean small. However seeing I dont want my coffee spit in I just nod. Now she thinks Im the idiot.

Labels: Birthdays, Ed, Food, Stupid People

Ryan Seacrest Tonight on American IdolTyler and Kathryn duke it out to be the next American Idol.

Me: Oh they must have eliminated Bucky

Ed: What a weird thing to say.

Me: Huh

Ed: They Eliminated Bucky like three weeks ago (I have been watching it every week)

Me: Really?

Ed: Yeah. They Eliminated Elliot.

Me: Oh Yeah! Thats what I ment Elliotwith the weird teeth.

Ed: No that was Bucky

Me: No Bucky had the weird hair and teethElliot just had weird teeth.

Ed: This conversation is going nowhere.

Me: I hope the old guy winsthat chick pisses me off like Lance Armstrong.

Labels: Ed, TV

Okay since most of you who would stumble upon my blog have most likely read eds post on my hatred of Lance Armstrong and for those of you who dont here are the highlights of my quotes as transposed by ed:

• "Every time he opens his mouth, all I can think is 'God, what a prick!'"
• "The next person I see wearing a Live Strong bracelet is gonna get bitch slapped."
• Everyone in the world just loves him, but he makes me just want to throw up!"

He forgot the Just because hes a cancer survior doesnt make him some kind of hero.

Okay so maybe I was a little harsh.

If you are brave enough to keep reading let me defend myself. I have nothing against being a cycling superstarand I of course dont begrudge the guy for living through brain and testicular cancer. But still that doesnt necessarily make him a good person. I am not really annoyed at Lance Armstrong its the massess that anger me. The the general public has choosen to idolize the guy and treat him like he walks on water. No one and I mean no one ever says anything bad about him. Thefore I have decided to stike an oposition. Stone me if you must.

Labels: Ed

After a large meal I decided that maybe I shouldnt be such a total slug and go for a bike ride on my new bike. It seemed the perfect destination would be the dog park. Ed and I got on our new bikes and I attached Belmont to a leash and tied it onto my handle bars. This was Belmonts second bike ride.

Now there is something you need to know about Belmont he doesnt listen and in turn he does not heel. So Im cruising down a stretch of straight pavement when my furry Einstein gets the idea to veer in front of the bike. I grab the brakes but it is too lateI loose control veering off the sidewalk into the grass where the bike falls over and I do a tuck and roll landing ending on Belmonts head. Ben described the seen as rather hilarious saying, "I thought you would never stop tumbling.....you just kept falling."

For all of you that are concerned about my well being unlike Ed. I am just fine I have a bruise on my chin presumably from Belmonts fat head and a grass stain on my jeans but I am able to carry on. Belmont got a swat to the rump and stern talking to. At least he paid better attention for the rest of the ride.

Labels: Belmont, Ed, Exersize

I must preface this story with a little flashback to two days ago. Ed and I had gone grocery shopping because we had no edible food left in the house. Before putting our new goodies into their ice-box home I thought it appropriate to clean out the fridge especially since its pungent odor filled the kitchen whenever it was opened. So Im going through and tossing things left and right. For some reason I paused at a rotisserie chicken from last nightI had no intention of eating it and began to throw it away saying, Do you think this is good? First of all I should never ask a boy that question they will eat anything. Ben begs me to keep it and to appease him I put the icky chicken back into my clean fridge to finish its decay.

Fast forward two days later. I am coming home from the gym Ed had the day off and I call him to tell him when Im going to be home so he can start dinner. Ben answers the phone groan groan, I cant even think about food right now. Oh gag I think his lazy ass has been home all day and he cant even put a freakin lasagna in the oven. But I am nice and let it go saying Ill start it when I get home. I come in the door to find him laying in bedcomplaining. At this point I am operating under the assumption that he is just being a big baby.

But I am the nice girlfriend to so go to Walmart (land of the ugly) to get some Saltines, Pepto and 7up. I come home and Ben is in the bathroomoh the noises that came out of that room I feared the door might blow off. So I eat dinner and let him work it outpoor Ben has not left the bathroom and I am starting to think he might be legitimately sick.

After about 45minutes of his bathroom exile he calls me in. He looks like shit and is panicking. His face is pale his lips are blue he cant feel his arms or legs and is starting to pass out. (Okay so he really was sick how was I supposed to know he wasnt just being a baby.STOP JUDGING ME!) So it takes about 20 minutes to get him into the car and to the hospital. They take us right in. We are in the evaluation room and Ben is trying to tell me something.I have absolutely no clue what he is saying. So I just say dont worry honey we are at the hospital theyll take care of you....you know all that sensitive crap I only pull out when absolutely necessary.

Ed: Mummble mumble mumble

Me: What honey?

Ed: Mummble mumble mumble

Me: Oh yeah hon I love you too. (have no clue what he is saying)

Ed: Mummble mumble puke mumble.

Me: Puke? Oh God he has to Puke!?

The nurse hands me a small bucket like a big cup really like the size of a large fountain soda cup, I put it in front of his face and ....OH MY GOD. Now I have seen people puke before but this was quite a forceful blast out the mouth out the nose, its splashing all over my hands. Ed filled two and a half of those cups. I was yelling at the nurse I NEED ANOTHER BUCKET! QUICKLY! Oh and it was pink..with chunks it must have been that pepto.

So what have I learned? You know you really love someone when you clean the toilet after they have had water-poop for 45minutes and held ridiculously small buckets when they are vomiting and it doesnt even faze you...yes children that is lwhat love is all about. Oh and I even didnt rub it in his face (too much) that I wanted to throw that chicken away in the first place.

Labels: Ed, Health

Well I realize its been a long time since my last entry into bitter babble and Im afraid that this entry might be a disappointment to those who have come to enjoy my sarcastic ramblings, well I supose I might be able to throw a bit of sarcasm into this...I am of course still me. Well I wont leave you in suspense, I want to talk about, yes relationships. My relationship history up to this point has been rather limited and how can I put this into words I think traumatizing is the best one I can muster.
Boy no.1 Yes the highschool boy, the first love, most people can relate to that. Well the truth is he wasnt the first love. Maybe for a misguided couple months I thought I really did but after that I kinda just didnt know how to get out. In fact he just someone who liked me, I mean truthfully at that age how can you love someone? I was immature, self-conscious, lonely, depressed. I couldn't care for myself let alone take the fate of someone else into my hands, and neither could he. So what comes of all of this? What I belive to be two very wounded people. Truth be known when I left him he was very dependant on me and I pretty much cut him off cold turky. In fact I have only communicated with this gentleman through a few sparse emails since we broke up from our almost two year relationship. Last I heard he was with "the most wonderful woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting....and now I realize that our relationship was nothing more than a sham." Dont take that as as a direct quote this is my memory here. But let me tell you this, as I sat there reading this in my dorm as I sat there still slightly over weight and alone in fact not having one relationship since we had broken up over a year ago it sorta hit me. It was selfish I realized but I almost imagined him still fawning over me, it was just comforting to think someone out there might love me. But in the realization that he did move on and did find someone I learned that he was okay. He wasnt scared for life, and really neither was I. I just had to know he was okay before I allowed myself to be happy. So did I love him? Yes and no. Romantic fairytail I want to spend the rest of my life with you love...no But caring friendly love yes. I wasnt happy in the relaionship, and he wasnt mentally well in it. He was upset allot and I didnt know how to help or deal with it, I knew it was taking its toll on me and it certainly wasnt improving his state of mind. But even when I was cold and hung up that last phone for the last time, I may have waited untill I wansnt talking to him anymore but I cried, I cried and cathy held me.
Crazy enough after a year and a half long dry spell all of a sudden possibilties started to present themselves everywhere, there were a couple random dates but only one quazi relationship. It was the summer and I woundnt call it as much as a relationship as an act of desperation. He wasnt ugly he didnt even a bad personality we just were the opposite on everything. He liked sports and running for pleasure I like watching tv and eating cheetos. But whatever it had been over two years and at least I was getting laid again...even if it wasnt good. At first I throught I really liked him and there might be soemthing there, Im not a skank or anything however issues became quickly apparent. In a nutshell he was a sterotypical jock that is a player and hates fays...WOW not my type at all. Did cut if off right away...nah I figure why not add to my relationship tramas. So I continue seeing this guy...ie sleeping with him, full aware that we are just having sex. Yeah well I learned a big lesson. IAM NOT CAPABEL OF A SEX ONLY RELATIONSHIP. I was always upset, felt used and dirty, and generally horrible. So I finally siad I dont think we should do this anymore and hes ust like "ok." Im like "ok? OK!" Yeah he could have at least give up a little bit of a fight. I rember one time he mentioned some fat ex-girlfriend, I dont even want to know what he says about me.
Okay so of course there are a few people I glossed over and didnt mention but they were mostly random makeouts durring intoxication and one date people who really didnt affect much of anything. So lets get a quick review before moving on. We have mental dysfunction, worthlessness, self-esteem issues, fear of indifelity, disbelif in undying love, and general trauma. So a couple of months after the termination of fuck-buddy I enter into another relationship.
This one isnt over so I could be biases but I think I might have goteen lucky. Im not a mushy girl by nature, but I have to tell you a grand sad tragedy. Today I was at the bar...yes sitting at the bar with my friends and I whiped out my planner and was practicing my signature...and let me tell you it wasnt my last name...oh the shame. Then I went home and wrote in my journal flipped back a couple enteries every single entry since I have met him has something about him. I can barely hold a conversation without throwing out the phase.."my Ed..." I stare at his picture, tell him I love you to my empty bedroom before I got to sleep. Ive been watching the wedding story.,..his sister knows my ring requirments...oh the true shame of it all.
Well allow me a moment to defend myself. And Im afraid that my only defense is that I love him oh for so many reasons. He has kind eyes, holds me, Im not afraid to be weak around him, we have thumb wars, he has a habit of unintentionally making falic symbols with playdoh, he tells me stories before bedtime...sings along to the radio with mushy songs, we make fun of porno movies together, he bought me the cutest stuffed cow...and well he loves me too.
Now I know this sounds like a fairytale ending to my messed up history but its not. So all of those who know me and Ed and know us together stop shopping for wedding presents! Ive come to realize how truely bad I am at all of this. I do have major trust issues and living 200miles apart doesnt help that...i seem to convince myself that some small waisted big busted bimbo is going to steal him away from me. And communication is tough, but as ben has always said since the beging of our almost 9month long relationship "we will work something out." and we always do. The fact is he makes me happy even with the way things are now and I do love my ben, but I think we should live within the same city limits before saying forever and the more I learn about life the more I realize that there is so much more I dont know and I know enough right now to make me realize that Im not ready for that, and there isnt any rush on the issue anyways. Me and Ed, well "we will always work something out."

Labels: Ed