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Killer Fly August 31, 2007 |

I was at work yesterday for lunch. I had brought my favorite…chicken ramen. Yummy it’s not just for broke college kids anymore. So I sat down to dine on my culinary extravaganza when boom out of nowhere I am smacked in the face by a giant fly.

No it wasn’t a horse fly it was a giant house fly literally about the size of a dime. I can only imagine its mother dined on the radioactive waste bins in the lab. I think it may have left a bruise on my cheek. Well I jump back wave my arms frantically and scream like Lindsey Lohan inhaling helium after taking a dose of meth.

I back away hysterically from the radioactive fly I must have hit it in my frenzy because it dropped into my ramen. I continue to grimace and make funny noises as it crawls around my noodles I think I might have even chanted “icky icky icky.” A male coworker comes to my aid and begins beating my lunch with an Oprah magazine that was issued in November of last year.

The fly is knocked down from its noodle mountain and drowns in the broth. The greedy fly does not try to free itself rather it drinks its way into a slow drowning death.

I had Gardettos and a Pepsi for lunch. How ‘bout you?

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Face Lift August 30, 2007 |

So kids what do we think about the new theme...pull the string thingy...PULL IT...I know you want to. Anyways this took me more hours than I care to admit but the good news is its kinda sorta finally working without little snippits of code everywhere. On the downside by the time I figured out how to enter in my little personal blerbs my brain was so fried with nonsense letters, numbers and symbols I just didnt have the patience to come up with anything good. Oh well in time. And if I ever actually get my site on google then you will be able to search past posts pretty cool huh? This google thing is bothering me Im not very happy with the prospect of paying to be part of a search engine. Isnt the internet supposed to be free? Im sure thats what Al Gore wanted.

I'm Not a Lesbian August 29, 2007 |

I’m more intoned with the gay world than any straight woman should be. Usually about once a month someone asks me if I’m a lesbian. I don’t really fit the typical “lesbian” stereotype but my constant appearance in gay-friendly venues must make people wonder enough to get up the gumption to ask.

I don’t like this question because it makes me feel weird to “fess up” and say I’m straight and then it invariably leads to a line of questioning of why am I here then. And I get in their weird defensive mood and feel I have to explain myself.

This weekend I had two relative strangers inquire about my sexuality (Within 5minutes of meeting me). Sometimes I just want to strangle them. In my 26years I have never EVER asked anyone if they were gay. EVER! I figure they will either tell me or it will become obvious if and when I get to know them better.

To go with the spirt of my post a clip from the movie Trick. If you havent sceen it you should.

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I Won't Go Where I'm Not Wanted August 28, 2007 |

Ed’s sister has had a blog going for quite awhile and it has been my habit to read it something that never occurred to me might be inappropriate. After all essentially at this point she is a stranger I’m never going to see here again I don’t post comments I just read it as mindless entertainment. Today she was talking about the problem of having people you know actually read your blog (see the excerpt below).

“There's probably nothing that I would want to discuss here that I haven't already talked about with my parents but it doesn't feel right throwing it all out there knowing that my MIL or one of Jesse's friends or my brother's ex might read it all.” –Ed’s sister

After reading it I made the quick decision to never read her blog again. I deleted the link and even though I have the addy committed to memory I have no intent of visiting it again. I don’t like being an undesirable.

The thing that really gets my goat with this is I forget that there is a whole world out there that didn’t get my side of the story from the breakup. St.Cloud must think I'm some mega bitch that broke some poor guy’s heart and kicked him out two months before the wedding and didn’t even return the ring. Eh fuck em.


Peeping Ava August 27, 2007 |

So ever since the fuzz and I started communicating outside eharmony we have this ongoing joke about each of us being the crazy stalkers that dr.warren warned us about. I thought Id let you in on the joke.

Me: I ended up going to lacrosse on Thursday night nothing going on in Rochester and you weren’t home so I couldn’t spy on you from you bushes (a good thing too my back is starting to get sore from all the ninja-like crouching).

Fuzz: As for the ninja skills, nice work. I had no idea. I do have a chair on my front porch if you would be more comfortable sitting there. You can see most of my apartment through that window. In fact, knock on the window and I'll bring you a beer.

Me: Yeah I have studied the karate kid very closely so I’m not surprised you didn’t notice me. And I couldn’t sit on your porch that would blow my cover. Since you were away though I built a small tree house to spy on you from above and I had a mini-fridge and microwave installed. Don’t mind the extension chord coming out your back door.

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Brainwashing Your Music Taste August 26, 2007 |

I simply must endorse Pandora. You put in a song or artist that you like and they play related things. Major bonus its free. Anyways so I was at work listening for 8hours so it was difficult to pick a song to share so today all for a bonus 3-pack.

First up I am a Rock, by Simon and Garfunkel. I love this song I love house my world is complete.

Outloud cover by Dispatch...they are also tasty to look at even if they are jailbait.

Last but not least Bizzare Love Triagne, by Frente! The video is admittedly horrid, what exactly is she wearing? But sigh I could listen to this song over and over and not get sick of it.

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Halfway House ala Ava |

I live in such a conservative town that there is no designated gay bar. Instead there is the possibly most ramshackle sleazy bar in town (the Ultra Lounge) which has a gay night on Fridays. I like this bar because when I have no plans I’m pretty much guaranteed to run into someone I know, or failing that it’s at least not as intimidating to me.

I get there and I am the only girl in the bar (well except for one drag queen). Saw my friend Tree and a couple other guys whom I had met before. Later on that night a new guy comes in. Which is pretty easy to spot since there are 10 people in the bar (including the bartender). He looks about 12years old medium height, gauntly skinny and clothes that make it clear he didnt grow up around here deer hunting with his dad. My friend bought him a drink and I bummed him a cigarette. Tree chatted with him for awhile and then it was my turn to engage the new person into conversation. He was from Hollywood and explained a complex story about how his mom brought him and his sister here. He is 19. Hollywood makes me uncomfortable. You know how you sense a person is bad news. Normally I leave my purse at this bar and will go to the bathroom and make a phone call. Perhaps it was the fact that he asked me for 5dollars within 10seconds of meeting me suspect potential thievery.

As the night progressed so did Hollywood’s story. His sister and him were trying to get back to Owatonna (a good hour drive from here) to stay with their grandma. They needed money for gas (although they had no car). Tree offered up his place for them to stay and then he would drive them back in the morning. This was met with several rounds of leaving the bar to talk with sister and then coming back.

Finally his sister made an appearance she was young. The bar was closing and she didn’t want to stay with Tree so she was using his phone to try to find a place for the night.

I knew better, I really did. That sense in my stomach said Ava this is a bad idea….my mouth said, “You can stay with me.” I apparently solved a debate that had been going on for hours with one statment everyone (except me) was happy with the arangement and there was no backing out now.

We get to my place and I start to change the sheets on the guest bed. I realize that all my paid off do not use credit cards are easily visible in the open jewelry box not to mention all of the actual jewelry in there. Note to self remove valuable prior to accepting a vagrant into your home. I distract her by offering her food and she happy scavenged while I quickly grabbed all my valuables off my dresser and snuck them in my room.

We chit chatted for awhile. She is 18, had a baby girl when she was 15 who was adopted and now lives in Connecticut. She has a fiancé (NY) and 5 boyfriends. She might be pregnant. She is only sleeping with the NY. They have been together for 3months and he bought her a 3carrot ring which she pawned for 90$ to get her hair done. She just keeps the other guys around in case she needs something. She is living with NY although he’s he only comes home for a couple days a month because he has businesses all over the country. What is his business you ask? Oh being a drug lord of course. NY and Hollywood dont get allong because Hollywood is a crackhead and ows NY lots of money.

By this point my little middle/upper middle class suburban upbringing is creating a major culture shock and making me tired so I excuse myself to bed. Seconds later there is a knock on my door requesting use of my cell phone. She calls NY who is pissed because he heard pregnancy rumors and wants to see her NOW!

Great I am now driving a teenager in the middle of the night, more accuratly the wee hours of the morning to see her pissed off drug dealer fiancé’ in a Kwik Trip parking lot. When we get there he is already sitting there. I do not leave the car she gets out. There is screaming. I’m waiting for the cops to show up and arrest me for involvement and then being shot by NY because he thinks I tipped them off. I call Alice to sooth my nerves where she informed me that too many of her friends who seem to have common sense have taken in homeless people.

Sister comes back and asks me to buy her a pregnancy test. So we go to Wal-Mart and I get one for her. Back to my place and she takes it. Not Pregnant. She calls NY with the news where he said “Bitch I told you only to bother calling if you were.” What a jem. Since she is now a free agent she called up one of her boyfriends and said she’s available to get together tomorrow night.

Sigh. I locked myself in my room and listened to see if I could detect valuables being stolen. I woke her up in the morning and dropped her off at Tree’s house he started this he can figure out what to do with them. And just in case you were curious the only thing missing from my home were several pudding cups and some dove bars.

The night wasn’t a total loss though. I learned several things.

“Lean Back” means relax or chill out (I thought it was just a super cool dance move).

Fiance' means a girl whom you like enough to have sex with once a month. In turn you are still allowed to have sex with whom every you want including the wives/girlfriends of people who owe you money.

Nut means ejaculate. As in “Bitch I didn’ even nut in you” Translation but my fine darling how can you be pregnant I pulled out?

“Build a tree house” Umm okay I was so lost by then I couldn’t figure that one out by context.

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Ava's Treasure Chest August 25, 2007 |

My last post got me to thinking about vibrators. Yes they are normal to own, and if you are embarassed to admit you masturbate then well we will not be friends. I used to own many and when I moved out from college I got rid of them all except for my rabbit. Which died an unfortunate death of never being able to turn off again. I heard the buzzing for about 2days before a figured it out. Well in my singleness I have collected 3 over the last year and I am here to give you a consumer report.
The Merry Murmaid by Fun Factory. Crap. Its too loud to it creaks and I’m worried the end might fall off. The clit stimulator does not hit anywhere near the clit. The whole thing is inflexible and just doesn’t feel quite right. It collects lint and looks a bit scary.

My First G-Sport vibe (mine is purple). I bought this in pursuit of having one of those g-spot orgasms Ive heard so much about. If I have the potential to squirt things across the room I want to know about it. For the record I still don’t think I have a g-spot either that or mine isn’t very functional and it certainly doesnt seem willing to spit anything. But back to the point this vibe is inexpensive and good for those hey nothing has been in there but a tampon in a long time urges.

The I-Vibe by DocJohnson (as you can guess mine is purple). This is my second DocJohnson product and I have been nothing but pleased. Power is excellent, takes only one battery. Its quiet and isn’t very noticeable sitting on my nightstand next to my alarm clock J A bit pricier than your everyday pocket vibe but oh oh so worth it….


Mini-dating update August 23, 2007 |

So fuzz was unable to make an appearance this week he was out of town for a bachelor party. Allthough he left me a message that said explicitly hes not blowing me off. On a side note Im fine with all of this. Maybe I've finally reached that magic time when I'm just okay with guys. I dont need some guy to swoop in and make me ok. I Ava am seriously finally ok. Allthough I'd be better than okay if I was getting more action from something more than my vibrator.

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Wimpy Ava August 22, 2007 |

Through keen calendar calculations I figured the fuzz was done with his 12hr days so he had today off. I came home and anxiously checked my email…no email. So I sent him a casual text “What’s Up?” About two minutes later I got a phone call. We chatted a bit I casually mentioned I was hungry; he mentioned he was going out with friends but we kept talking for a bit.

Well the whole purpose of my phone call is I wanted to make plans with him for tomorrow night. I don’t have to work on Friday so a date would be a perfect way to spend my Thursday night. Did I mention it? Nope.

So what do I do? Every time I text him he calls so I don’t think he’s avoiding me. Maybe I should just wait and see if he calls me tomorrow. But I guess I’m not into that rules thing. Perhaps I can just send him a text asking if he would like to get together tomorrow. Its wimpy I know I could just call he will be up.....nah I can deal with date rejection via txt.

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Because You Should Like My Music August 21, 2007 |

My I-Pod top rated mirrors that of someone in a deep debilitating depression but this song is so good. For your listening pleasure Sufjan Stevens, To be Alone with you.

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WHAAA! August 19, 2007 |

Vacation is over I have to go to work tommorow and start my classes...I dont wanna I dont wanna I dont wanna!

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Lame Dating Update August 18, 2007 |

Got home today and sent Fuzz a txt message. He called me back saying he was on his way to work...hes so much fun to chat with. Prompt reply... pluss points

Of course since he was going to work I think he has to work the next 3-4 nights so I probably wont talk to him for awhile...non-jiving with my schedule minus points.

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Vacation Recap August 17, 2007 |

Okay super vacation recap because I’m sick of talking about what I do retrospectively. So here are the highlights.

There is lots of “nature” in Colorado and its rains a lot. I saw a hare, about a billion chipmunks, elk, a mountain goat or ram thing, huge flies, many worms and spiders.

My body doesn’t respond to clean mountain air. High elevations have less oxygen big hills make you need more oxygen…I don’t like to pant.

A Buick rendezvous should not attempt a road that says 4-wheel drive high clearance required. Note: High clearance does not mean your roof isn’t going to get scraped off by a parking garage…its means if you attempt this type a road with a mini van you are liable to end up with a puncture in your gas tank or get laughed at by people in a jeep when you turn around.

It is possible to loose over one hundred dollars on penny slots

Don’t piss off the forest rangers by putting your tent in a flood zone and tying things to trees that are prone to beetles

I don’t think an illegal prescription for vicadin is an appropriate payment for babysitting

After two nights sleeping in the rain and being out of breath walking up and down hills vicadin is a perfectly appropriate payment for babysitting.

I like smores


Travel Log Day3 August 11, 2007 |

We made it to Denver the cubs lost by A LOT. But I did enjoy some Coors Light (not my fav but it is Coors stadium) with the high altitude a few drinks is all you need. Cobie and I got into a fight where he somehow in a round about way called me a Nazi. I did not take that well. I would go into more detail but it was stupid and we both lost our tempers. So after the game I was lost and wandering around downtown Denver by myself. I was less than thrilled. But I made it back to the hotel we made up. Made fun of the people attending the Trekie convention across the street and went to the worst gay bar ever. All in all a lousy but semi-ok day.

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Travel Log Day2 August 10, 2007 |

Cobie and I rose early in the morn to meet daddy for dinner before departing. We dinned in a quaint Chicago neighborhood restaurant kinda like the type they have on seinfield. We drove to Lincoln, NE on the trip Cobie must have sent about 30 text messages I was more than a little annoyed but we got to the hotel and met up with my friend “hairnet” we all went to Brewskis where we had a very angry waitress. I had my first taste of Fat tire Beer very tasty.

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He Made it to Date Two! August 09, 2007 |

So I had a second date with the fuzz last night. I was supposed to be packing but this was much more fun. He came over the rain held off and we grilled some shrimp and I made some rice. The shrimp was excellent but the rice was a bit bland. Of course all of this is unimportant we had just as much fun as last time. He came over at about 8pm and we talked until it got dark and then went inside and talked some more. I found out some more stats. He has two sisters both younger. He gets along with his parents and the rest of his family raised catholic and went to private school (just like me). He’s still catholic a minor minus points but when I discussed my religious views which are very liberal he was accepting and agreed with what I had to say. He didn’t even flinch when I said I went to “gay” church.

He met my roomie and talked and was jovial with her as well. Then it was getting late a bit after midnight and I walked him down to his car we flirted a bit. There was a slight awkwardness and I thought he was going in for the hug but he seemed unsure. So I said “Hug?” which he accepted gratefully.

So yeah date two still good. Still waiting for the spark but that never comes for me until the first make out session.

Side note this is vacation day one. I drove to Chicago and changed into my cute new strapless dress went with Cobie and his boyfriend “daddy” to a neighborhood bar for drinks. So tired must sleep.

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Priorities August 08, 2007 |

Today was busy. I’m supposed to leave straight away after work tomorrow so I should have packed but that is left to be done.

After work I had an appointment with my therapist whom I started seeing when my life was a bit shambly after the break up. It’s not really necessary for me to go anymore but I like going it makes me learn more about myself and keeps me on track. Anyways it was an interesting session.

I was saying how I feel very unsettled in my life because I don’t feel like I have any goals and I’m drifting.

She brought up my going back to school and moving to Chicago wasn’t that a goal? Well yes and no I explained.

Me: Moving to Chicago isn’t a goal it’s simply planning for something irresponsible.

Her: Why is it irresponsible?

Me: Well because I have a great job here, I have plenty of career opportunity, I have a nice house, room for the dogs to run, a church I like. Here is where I should stay that’s the responsible thing to do.

Her: Well then why do you want to move?

Me: Well I don’t like it here. It’s to small, too bland and family oriented. I like Chicago because there is always so much to do, places to eat, public transportation to transport me, my family is there I miss my family, my friends are there or moving there, its my home its where I belong.

Her: Well then why do you think it’s irresponsible?

Me: Because I’m moving there for social reasons

Her: Whets wrong with that?

Me: Because it’s mushy and not a priority (I blurt out)

Whoa what the fuck? I sat back and suddenly realized how ass backwards that is and worst of all it is true. I do think moving to Chicago for friends and family somehow makes me weak, but says who besides me? Why do I think it’s so wrong to leave a place that makes me unhappy for someplace I love? All my life my big life decisions have been based on education or career opportunity. It’s scary. I don’t want to be that person who is 40 and has nothing to show for their life except for a good job and a nice car. I want friends, I want a family and I can do those things and have a job. My life is so out of balance I would say work and school take up about 85% of my physical and mental time. I guess I can deal with that for another year until I graduate but I guess I have to remind myself that that isn’t the way it should be.

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My Run-in With the Law August 07, 2007 |

I shockingly had a good date last night. Okay so maybe eharmony doesn’t completely suck scrotum. I went to mystery beer Monday to meet the cop who lives in town. Fuzz is a bit short for me 5’7 but I’m pretty sure he is true 5’7 so an inch and a half isn’t that big of a deal. We had excellent conversation. He was interesting and funny so rare. He even emailed me first thing this morning saying he had a “blast” hanging out with me and can’t wait to do it again. AND he recapped some of our conversation to let me know he was listening. Very nice.

We talked about the democratic primaries, the oblongs, cities particularly Chicago, traveling, horseback ridding, blackhawks (the helicopter), nerdy people gosh we were there talking straight from 7:30pm to almost midnight. So yeah lots of fun. I told him I was going on vacation but if he wanted to get together on Wednesday before I head out that could work. Hopefully I didn’t sound too eager but then again I’m not too worried about that considering he emailed me less than 8hrs post date departure. Oh and he insisted on paying for dinner which I like don’t worry I did throw in the tip.

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Ava the Mean Jerk August 06, 2007 |


I hate it when people buzz this guy isn’t even on my list why the hell is he buzzing me that’s so rude…oh well Im bored.

Me: hi

Tiger: who is that pic

Me: me

I had recently posted a new pic for my IM window. Its from a party at my friends house I was drunk and in my pjs no makeup no hair done. My eyes are closed and it’s a close up of me laughing. Its not get the guy pic but it is cute in its own way.

Tiger: thats a bad pic of u


Me: why thank you

Me i was going to send it off the a modeling agency but now i know better

Tiger: u need 2 let me takje some picsd of u

Me: why?

Tiger: cuz yur good looking but u need someone 2 take pics of u, with my new camera

Oh yeah tell me look bad in my pic then take me under your trained camera eye to make me beautiful once again

Me: i dont think thats a very likely to occur

Tiger: y

Me: i dont really have photoshoot sessions in general let alone with a stranger

Or with people who can not be bothered to type out entire words

Tiger: u know wat

Tiger: just 4get yur a mean jerk

Tiger: been tryin 2 talk 2 u for too long top take this from u

“Tiger” is not even on my messenger list and quite frankly I don’t ever remember talking to him before although from the looks of this conversation I can see why I didn’t waste my precious long term memory space on him.

Tiger: yur a jerk

Me: gosh too bad im so ugly all i have is my jerky personality to fall back on

Tiger: u wouldnt know if a guy was being nice 2 u if he fell from the sky

Tiger: i been tryin 2 b nice and all u do is fight me off

Tiger: so fuck it i giv up

Oh dear he is so right. How could I let this gem of a guy go? What is wrong with me? Maybe next time someone insults me and calls me a jerk there is no way I’ll let him slip through my fingers. Life is full of valuable lessons thank goodness there are people like tiger to help me learn them albeit the hard way. Now I must go cry myself to sleep.

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Ewww |

So I was on myspace today flipping through my friends profiles. Went to my aunts page and there was someone new on her top list. It was a small pic of some guy and I thought wow hes hot…she should hook me up…then Iclicked on the profile to see the picture full sized. It was my little cousin who is a good 7yrs my junior. I feel dirty.

Selling My Soul August 05, 2007 |

I today I spent an absorbanant amount of money on a new purse which broadcasts all over the fabric that I spent to much on it. Next thing you know I will have some toes cut off so I can buy the rediculous matching shoes with pointy toes and heels that will stab through someones foot if you accidentally step on them.

The true question is will Alice hate this bag more than my Teal Polo Sport hangbag? But what is life without getting gripe about my purse choices from someone who owns one that is hotpink leather with tassels, a giant medalion and can hold a sleeping bag?

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Is it Friday Yet? August 01, 2007 |

I studied from 4pm-11pm. I should pull and all-nighter but I'm too old for that. If I dont get done with all my worksheets by friday im still taking the final getting my grade whatever it is...Fuck it.

PS. Still crushing on the fellow, even though he needed to moisturize and I noticed hints of achne on the sides by his mouth. What is this attraction? Must be his earning potential of course Ph.D's are in a job slump so Im not sure he even has that.

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