I live in such a conservative town that there is no designated gay bar. Instead there is the possibly most ramshackle sleazy bar in town (the Ultra Lounge) which has a gay night on Fridays. I like this bar because when I have no plans I’m pretty much guaranteed to run into someone I know, or failing that it’s at least not as intimidating to me.

I get there and I am the only girl in the bar (well except for one drag queen). Saw my friend Tree and a couple other guys whom I had met before. Later on that night a new guy comes in. Which is pretty easy to spot since there are 10 people in the bar (including the bartender). He looks about 12years old medium height, gauntly skinny and clothes that make it clear he didnt grow up around here deer hunting with his dad. My friend bought him a drink and I bummed him a cigarette. Tree chatted with him for awhile and then it was my turn to engage the new person into conversation. He was from Hollywood and explained a complex story about how his mom brought him and his sister here. He is 19. Hollywood makes me uncomfortable. You know how you sense a person is bad news. Normally I leave my purse at this bar and will go to the bathroom and make a phone call. Perhaps it was the fact that he asked me for 5dollars within 10seconds of meeting me suspect potential thievery.

As the night progressed so did Hollywood’s story. His sister and him were trying to get back to Owatonna (a good hour drive from here) to stay with their grandma. They needed money for gas (although they had no car). Tree offered up his place for them to stay and then he would drive them back in the morning. This was met with several rounds of leaving the bar to talk with sister and then coming back.

Finally his sister made an appearance she was young. The bar was closing and she didn’t want to stay with Tree so she was using his phone to try to find a place for the night.

I knew better, I really did. That sense in my stomach said Ava this is a bad idea….my mouth said, “You can stay with me.” I apparently solved a debate that had been going on for hours with one statment everyone (except me) was happy with the arangement and there was no backing out now.

We get to my place and I start to change the sheets on the guest bed. I realize that all my paid off do not use credit cards are easily visible in the open jewelry box not to mention all of the actual jewelry in there. Note to self remove valuable prior to accepting a vagrant into your home. I distract her by offering her food and she happy scavenged while I quickly grabbed all my valuables off my dresser and snuck them in my room.

We chit chatted for awhile. She is 18, had a baby girl when she was 15 who was adopted and now lives in Connecticut. She has a fiancé (NY) and 5 boyfriends. She might be pregnant. She is only sleeping with the NY. They have been together for 3months and he bought her a 3carrot ring which she pawned for 90$ to get her hair done. She just keeps the other guys around in case she needs something. She is living with NY although he’s he only comes home for a couple days a month because he has businesses all over the country. What is his business you ask? Oh being a drug lord of course. NY and Hollywood dont get allong because Hollywood is a crackhead and ows NY lots of money.

By this point my little middle/upper middle class suburban upbringing is creating a major culture shock and making me tired so I excuse myself to bed. Seconds later there is a knock on my door requesting use of my cell phone. She calls NY who is pissed because he heard pregnancy rumors and wants to see her NOW!

Great I am now driving a teenager in the middle of the night, more accuratly the wee hours of the morning to see her pissed off drug dealer fiancé’ in a Kwik Trip parking lot. When we get there he is already sitting there. I do not leave the car she gets out. There is screaming. I’m waiting for the cops to show up and arrest me for involvement and then being shot by NY because he thinks I tipped them off. I call Alice to sooth my nerves where she informed me that too many of her friends who seem to have common sense have taken in homeless people.

Sister comes back and asks me to buy her a pregnancy test. So we go to Wal-Mart and I get one for her. Back to my place and she takes it. Not Pregnant. She calls NY with the news where he said “Bitch I told you only to bother calling if you were.” What a jem. Since she is now a free agent she called up one of her boyfriends and said she’s available to get together tomorrow night.

Sigh. I locked myself in my room and listened to see if I could detect valuables being stolen. I woke her up in the morning and dropped her off at Tree’s house he started this he can figure out what to do with them. And just in case you were curious the only thing missing from my home were several pudding cups and some dove bars.

The night wasn’t a total loss though. I learned several things.

“Lean Back” means relax or chill out (I thought it was just a super cool dance move).

Fiance' means a girl whom you like enough to have sex with once a month. In turn you are still allowed to have sex with whom every you want including the wives/girlfriends of people who owe you money.

Nut means ejaculate. As in “Bitch I didn’ even nut in you” Translation but my fine darling how can you be pregnant I pulled out?

“Build a tree house” Umm okay I was so lost by then I couldn’t figure that one out by context.

Labels: Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Stupid People