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Carabineer Carnage May 29, 2006 |

On Saturday afternoon I went up to LaCrosse to visit Miss Alice and go camping. The evening was going relatively wellthere was poker, beer and brats I mean really what else does a girl need on a Saturday night. Several drinks later we were hanging out by the fire pit and a very comfortable looking hammock catches our eyes. I guess it didnt strike me that I did not see any of the 20+ people at the site sit on the hammock. They just must not be as smart as I was coming up with this brilliant plan of hammock fun.

So Alice and I back up to hammock and drop down in succinct unison. BOOM! Yeah we sat down all right. The carabineer gave way and the hammock was thusly released from its binding frame leaving us flat and sprawling on the wet grass. We both lay there for a second wondering if anyone saw us and Alice looks over at me, Well that was a little more than embarrassing.

Since I was otherwise engaged I myself did not get to witness the hilarity of the event. However it was described to me as four feet up in the air and two beer cans raised up with a veracity akin to Great Lady Liberty holding her torch.

It is really quite surprising that we didnt see this coming. Neither myself nor Alice are petite in stature. And we are in general relatively intelligent girls especially when it comes to a matter of preventing oneself from looking like a total cow. The owner of the devious hammock consoled us by explaining that the hammock was not really in working order and that the carabineer was aluminum and wouldnt have held anyone. This is a lie I have chosen to believe.

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Banana Theif May 26, 2006 |

Today I was making my lunch and had assembled some cereal, a rice crispy treat and banana on the counter. I waltz over to pantry to get a bag and return to the stove to start packing my lunch.

Cereal, rice crispy treatthe hell? I could have sworn I had a banana over here. I look on the counterno banana. I look at the floor and there was Belmont sitting by my feet looking at me. No he couldnt have stolen it I didnt even leave the room. Theres no peel. Nothing went crashing down to the floor.

I am still dissatisfied by the case of the missing banana I am pretty sure that Belmont ate it. I went back and looked at the banana stockpile. I purchased two and one remained. I know I didnt eat it and but someone had to. I am just curious as to how a dog so clumsy could thieve so quietly. I will have to monitor his pooping to solve the mystery.

This is just another example of Belmont being dumb. If he had any sense at all he would have taken the rice crispy treat.

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Snoop Dogg Jokes |

Why does Snoop dogg have an umbrella?

Fo drizzle.

Why did Snoop Dogg drop alkaseltzer in his cup?

Fo Fizzle.

Why did Snoop Dogg fry a steak?

Fo Sizzle.

Who brings Snoop Dogg presents on Christmas?

Kris Krizzingle.

Why did Snoop Dogg put a straw in his drink?

Fo Swizzle.

Why did Snoop Dogg take a sculpting class?

Fo Chizzle.

What does Snoop Dogg wash his clothes with?

Bleaochhhhh!

What does Snoop Dogg order at Olive Garden?

Spa-ghetto.

American Idol Commentary May 23, 2006 |

Ryan Seacrest Tonight on American IdolTyler and Kathryn duke it out to be the next American Idol.

Me: Oh they must have eliminated Bucky

Ed: What a weird thing to say.

Me: Huh

Ed: They Eliminated Bucky like three weeks ago (I have been watching it every week)

Me: Really?

Ed: Yeah. They Eliminated Elliot.

Me: Oh Yeah! Thats what I ment Elliotwith the weird teeth.

Ed: No that was Bucky

Me: No Bucky had the weird hair and teethElliot just had weird teeth.

Ed: This conversation is going nowhere.

Me: I hope the old guy winsthat chick pisses me off like Lance Armstrong.

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Lance Armstrong Puke! |

Okay since most of you who would stumble upon my blog have most likely read eds post on my hatred of Lance Armstrong and for those of you who dont here are the highlights of my quotes as transposed by ed:

  • "Every time he opens his mouth, all I can think is 'God, what a prick!'"
  • "The next person I see wearing a Live Strong bracelet is gonna get bitch slapped."
  • Everyone in the world just loves him, but he makes me just want to throw up!"

He forgot the Just because hes a cancer survior doesnt make him some kind of hero.

Okay so maybe I was a little harsh.

If you are brave enough to keep reading let me defend myself. I have nothing against being a cycling superstarand I of course dont begrudge the guy for living through brain and testicular cancer. But still that doesnt necessarily make him a good person. I am not really annoyed at Lance Armstrong its the massess that anger me. The the general public has choosen to idolize the guy and treat him like he walks on water. No one and I mean no one ever says anything bad about him. Thefore I have decided to stike an oposition. Stone me if you must.

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Bud Light Presents Mr. Highway Multitsker May 16, 2006 |

I was on my way home for Mommies day and Im spending my time going 90 on I-90 and staring into the cars that Im passing along the way. Seeing as I had a five hour drive I was bound to see something interesting. Of course there were the regular nose pickers and the like but that doesnt make my cut for an interesting story. This guy did.

Hes driving a brown car from the 80s he looks like a middle-aged high school art teacher who is too busy cataloging his ty-dye t-shirts to bother with shaving. He is only dring 5 over ther the speed limit in the fast lane so I am forced to pass on the right as I do of course peer into the car. I see a cigarette with the filter end wedged in-between the slats of the vent above the radio dial.

I slow down to gaze a bit yes that cigarette is lit and I see him talking on the cell phone. He cranes his neck to wedge the phone to his shoulder picks up the cigarette takes a drag changes the radio station and puts it back into its resting place. He is now free to talk again on the phone without having to cock his head at an odd angle.

Now normally I make fun of people for doing weird ass shit in the car but this guy is great! He is what I want to be when I grow up except with better hygine, a better wardrobe and a better car. He was able to talk on the phone, smoke a cigarette, flip radio channels and keep one hand on the wheel at all times. Of course his car must stink I mean hes practically injecting smoke into the ventilation system but still brialliant! This guy needs his own bud light commercial so I will make him one.

Bud light presents real men of genius

Real Men of genius

Today we salute you Mr. Highway Multitasker

Mister Highway multitasker

Man dreads few things more than having to waste a cigarette due to a cell phone call but you offer us hope and an increased risk of highway fatality

Now entering zero death zone

What exactly goes on in your car while driving 90 on the highway?

Cell phone talking, cigarette smoking, radio station scanning

Watch out for that semi

Thanks to you passing on the left is a thing of the past and signals are for suckers

Im going to cut you off mother fucker

Any smoker can answer a phone while burning one down

But how many can think to stuff that cigarette in an air vent between drags

Love that lung cancer

So crack open a nice cold bud light oh carcinoma of the car cabin

Thanks to you we can enjoy road trips the way we like them

With lots and lots of nicotine

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Humpty Dumpty May 08, 2006 |

After a large meal I decided that maybe I shouldnt be such a total slug and go for a bike ride on my new bike. It seemed the perfect destination would be the dog park. Ed and I got on our new bikes and I attached Belmont to a leash and tied it onto my handle bars. This was Belmonts second bike ride.

Now there is something you need to know about Belmont he doesnt listen and in turn he does not heel. So Im cruising down a stretch of straight pavement when my furry Einstein gets the idea to veer in front of the bike. I grab the brakes but it is too lateI loose control veering off the sidewalk into the grass where the bike falls over and I do a tuck and roll landing ending on Belmonts head. Ben described the seen as rather hilarious saying, "I thought you would never stop tumbling.....you just kept falling."

For all of you that are concerned about my well being unlike Ed. I am just fine I have a bruise on my chin presumably from Belmonts fat head and a grass stain on my jeans but I am able to carry on. Belmont got a swat to the rump and stern talking to. At least he paid better attention for the rest of the ride.

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