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Who's The Fairest of Them All? June 27, 2006 |

I worked late last night so I decided to skip out of work a couple hours early today. I really love doing that but there are disadvantages the major one being the ride home. During normal working hours the city busses are filled with mayo commuters like me that have no need to talk to one another. We listen to our I-Pods, stare out the window or read a book. Some people talk but never EVER would anyone thing of interrupting someone while they are obviously trying to avoid awkwardconversation by participating in some form of quite activity.

The people on the day time busses dont seem to understand the commuter rules. In their own defense most of them have some sort of disability. Dont get me wrong I have nothing against people with mental handicaps but I really dont know how to respond to them most of the time and end up having long odd conversations where I mostly smile and nod like and idot.

My bus is due to arrive in about 5minutes and Im strolling down the street listening to my I-Pod minding my own business. I sit down by myself on the ledge against the building. I girl sitting on a bench about 20ft away from me gets up, walks over and sits next to me. I stare at my shoes and I hear her ask me a question. She has asked it loud enough that I couldnt ignore hearing her, but my music was so loud I couldnt make out what she was saying over the Gorillas chanting in my ears. Gwar. annoyance I see I am going to have to participate. I remove my earphones.

She repeats her question, What bus are you waiting for?

Me: Five

Girl: Meee toooo~!

Oh dear Now Im going to have to ride the bus with her talking to me too.

Girl: I just had to come sit by youyou look so nice today.

Me: Oh thank you.

I am not good at taking complements but seeing as Im not a total sea hag Ive had to learn to accept them gratefully even if it is akward. What bothered me is how did she know I looked nice today? I mean I did wear makeup today I guess I looked okay but she didnt have any sort of baseline of my daily appearance to make such a comment.

Girl: You are really pretty.

Me: Umm thanks? All right shes laying it on pretty thick now.

Girl: Ive never been around such a pretty girl before. **Giggle** you are the prettiest girl Ive ever seen.

Me: **Blush** Umm come on now your embarrassing me.

The bus pulls up. I let her get on first she sits in the front seatI walk to the back of the bus turn on my I-pod and stare out the window. Wow prettiest girl in the world Ive never heard that before.

Moon Over Housewares June 25, 2006 |

Ed was in a funk today. The morning hadnt gone exactly as planned. We woke up and went to church arrived just in time to see everyone leaving. We were hoping to catch the priest to pin down some wedding details. Apparently that wasnt meant to be since the priest is in Poland for the next two weeks.

We drop off our offering and head back home. As we are pulling out I mentionhey do you mind if we stop over at mall of America? Now anyone who has gone to the MOA knows that there is no quick pop in and out.

I cautiously choose my words, Id just like to stop in and look at some china patterns. To Eds merit he quietly accepted his fate and saidUmm ok.

After looking at dishes for two hours Ed is walking around with his hands in his pockets generally being a poop. Of course he did forget his belt so his hands were basically holding up his pants while drooling over pots and gadgets in the kitchen section. He was pawing at a Henkles knife when a devilish idea entered my brain spawned by the site of his droopy drawers.

Im not all cruel I look to the left, look to the rightbehind me all clear! I walk up behind him and with one hand on each side of his leg grab and pull his pants down. Now it was not my original intention but the result was a full de-pantsing.

Okay so just imagine this Ed was standing in the middle of Bloomingdales with his pants and undergarments around his ankles. I didnt mean to draw attention but youd fall over laughing too if you heard the squeak that came out of him and saw that pale derriere out in the open.

You know despite all my hard work to cheer him up he was still cranky after that....hum I guess some people just cant be pleased.

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Shit Break June 21, 2006 |

I have this thing with pooping. I may only poop under certain conditions. The bathroom must be quiet, private and there must be no one waiting around for me. This in general does not pose a problem. My fear is of someone knowing that my shit does indeed stink.

Of course pooping in the privacy of ones home is not always an option so I try to plan out alternative locations should the need arrive. For instance at work, I spend quite allot of time there and in the two and a half years Ive been working in my lab I have occasionally had a poop that could not wait until 4:30pm.

The bathroom in my area is very popular and I am always afraid people will recognize my shoes and pin me as stinky poop girl. Fortunately just a short 30 second walk down the hall in the opposite direction will bring me to a connected building and a whole other bathroom option.

This bathroom is ideal for privacy. The surrounding area is all lecture halls primarily used by med school students and for large meetings. This means the bathroom is really only being used for a ten minute span between hours. In all of my time using it I have neverNEVER seen another human being in there, until today.

I meandered down the hall at 2:20 (well after the 2pm rush) and entered into my stall for some good quality me time. Just then the door openedoh no my worst fears have materialized. The intruder decided to occupy the stall next to me (opposed to the five other vacant stalls she could have taken) she quickly finished her business and left without washing her hands (gross).

I was taken aback. I understand that this is a public bathroom but I had come to think of it as my personal haven. Now realizing that I do have to share it with others has ruined the sanctity of my pooping room. I will now have to seek out uncharted territory and find a new more secret potty to do my duties.

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Cell Phone Etiquette June 07, 2006 |

I was out to dinner at Outback and had just finished my meal and was beached in the booth waiting for Ed to finish his meal. Two ladies come and sit down in a booth across the aisle from us. They chatter are chattering at a respectable volume when one of the ladies cell phone rings. First of all its loud and something obnoxious like the intro from the A-team. She flips open her phone and starts talkingyeah shes a screamer. Wow lady I dont think the person in the parking lot needed to know you had Burger King for lunch.

She fortunately hangs up the phone after a brief conversation for which I was temporarily thankful. But little was I to know the atrocities that were to follow. She did not replace her phone into her purseno that would be INSANE! She proceeded to flip through all her options for cell phone rings. Pausing briefly after each one to explain its origin and where she downloaded it from.

Oh wait. She would say to her compainion. You have to hear this one its Baby Got Back!

Oh and heres the polyphonic version. I just couldnt decide which I liked better. She continued on like this for quite some time.

I had to endure:

  • The crazy frog
  • The Devil Went Down to Georgia
  • Something by Nickleback
  • And of course the CanCan

This is by no means a complete list I am not able to remember all of them since my brain has begun to block the experience out as some sort of defense mechanism. So I leave you with this. I plead to you my general public if you must pick a unique cell phone ring for all of your friends do so in the privacy of you own home. Thank yourant concluded.

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Damn You Coldstone Creamery June 04, 2006 |

So I have this uncanny ability to attract horrid service dinning establishments. Thus I have many places that I am boycotting. affectionately known as the list. I restaurant can easily prevent itself from being on my list by:

A. Just doing their goddamn job in the first place

B. Compensating me for my mental distress.

C. Being really really good so I cant resist eating there.

Today is Ed's b-day and we decided to his Coldstone creamery for a bit of a late nice ice-cream snack. Coldstone is a bit pricey so we always like to get a pint each and take it to go. Its not much more expensive than getting a regular size and it in theory has the opportunity to last longer. Of course I bet you can imagine how well that goes.

So we enter and there are 4 teenage girls behind the counterthere are about 4 teens in front of us. They obviously all knew each other and were talking. About a year later the foursome gets their ice-cream (which by the way wasnt paid for) and one of the girls takes the time to help us.

Help is a creative word to use here since she was just standing in front us looking annoyed. I let Ed go first and he ordered a pint of peanut butter ice cream. She scooped up a bit that looked way to small to be a pint. So as shes adding the mix-ins I said (much louder than necessary). Ed HONEY YOU KNOW WITH A PINT YOU CAN GET THREE MIX-INS IF YOU WANT. This chick was too oblivious. She puts the ice cream in a like-it cupwhich is code for the smallest size they sell.

Okay tangent but what the fuck is up with sizing like that. Why cant it just be Small, Medium and Large? I dont understand the difference between large, Biggie and Grande and when you start throwing in gotta have it you are asking for a beating in my opinion.

I have taken at starbucks to ordering a SMALL mocha latte. Its not that I dont understand the Starbucks lingo Im completely fine with saying skinny or no whip that has a purpose. Saying Tall instead of small? Theres just no need. When I ask for my small coffee the little girl behind her counter cocks her empty little head and inevitably asks Do you mean tall? I stare her down and want to say NO you over-caffeinated bitch I mean small. However seeing I dont want my coffee spit in I just nod. Now she thinks Im the idiot.

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The Tortoise and the Nuts June 01, 2006 |

Last night I had the most peculiar dream. I was on a wooden covered porch and there was a huge tortoise in a hanging plant his head was peaking out of the plant and eating walnuts out of a yellowed plastic bird feeder. Odd.

Since I have nothing better to do with my life I decided I would do a bit of internet surfing to determine the deep meaning behind my dream.

So here are my reference definitions from

Plants: To see plants in your dream, indicates fertility, spiritual development, growth or the potential for growth. Alternatively, the appearance of plants in your dreams reflects your caring and loving nature."

Nuts: To see nuts in your dream, signifies craziness or confusion. It may also refer to someone who is "nuts" or someone who is driving you crazy. You may be approaching a waking situation all wrong and need to look at it from a different perspective. Also consider nuts as a pun on "testicles" and thus allude to some sexual innuendo.

Tortoise: To see a tortoise in your dream, suggests that you need to take some chances in order to get ahead in life. The opportunities for advancement are opened to you, but you need to take the next step.

All right first of all I dont believe in allot of this mumbo jumbo I am seriously the definitions are so exasperatingly generic I mean who couldnt somehow relate to any of that. But whatever Im going with it. So according to my sources Im a crazy crazy girl who needs to take some chances in life and I better take those chances quick because I have potential for growth and spiritual development.yeah. I feel so enlightened.