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Relationship....Reshashionship July 31, 2002 |

Well I realize its been a long time since my last entry into bitter babble and Im afraid that this entry might be a disappointment to those who have come to enjoy my sarcastic ramblings, well I supose I might be able to throw a bit of sarcasm into this...I am of course still me. Well I wont leave you in suspense, I want to talk about, yes relationships. My relationship history up to this point has been rather limited and how can I put this into words I think traumatizing is the best one I can muster.
Boy no.1 Yes the highschool boy, the first love, most people can relate to that. Well the truth is he wasnt the first love. Maybe for a misguided couple months I thought I really did but after that I kinda just didnt know how to get out. In fact he just someone who liked me, I mean truthfully at that age how can you love someone? I was immature, self-conscious, lonely, depressed. I couldn't care for myself let alone take the fate of someone else into my hands, and neither could he. So what comes of all of this? What I belive to be two very wounded people. Truth be known when I left him he was very dependant on me and I pretty much cut him off cold turky. In fact I have only communicated with this gentleman through a few sparse emails since we broke up from our almost two year relationship. Last I heard he was with "
the most wonderful woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting....and now I realize that our relationship was nothing more than a sham." Dont take that as as a direct quote this is my memory here. But let me tell you this, as I sat there reading this in my dorm as I sat there still slightly over weight and alone in fact not having one relationship since we had broken up over a year ago it sorta hit me. It was selfish I realized but I almost imagined him still fawning over me, it was just comforting to think someone out there might love me. But in the realization that he did move on and did find someone I learned that he was okay. He wasnt scared for life, and really neither was I. I just had to know he was okay before I allowed myself to be happy. So did I love him? Yes and no. Romantic fairytail I want to spend the rest of my life with you love...no But caring friendly love yes. I wasnt happy in the relaionship, and he wasnt mentally well in it. He was upset allot and I didnt know how to help or deal with it, I knew it was taking its toll on me and it certainly wasnt improving his state of mind. But even when I was cold and hung up that last phone for the last time, I may have waited untill I wansnt talking to him anymore but I cried, I cried and cathy held me.
Crazy enough after a year and a half long dry spell all of a sudden possibilties started to present themselves everywhere, there were a couple random dates but only one quazi relationship. It was the summer and I woundnt call it as much as a relationship as an act of desperation. He wasnt ugly he didnt even a bad personality we just were the opposite on everything. He liked sports and running for pleasure I like watching tv and eating cheetos. But whatever it had been over two years and at least I was getting laid again...even if it wasnt good. At first I throught I really liked him and there might be soemthing there, Im not a skank or anything however issues became quickly apparent. In a nutshell he was a sterotypical jock that is a player and hates fays...WOW not my type at all. Did cut if off right away...nah I figure why not add to my relationship tramas. So I continue seeing this guy...ie sleeping with him, full aware that we are just having sex. Yeah well I learned a big lesson. IAM NOT CAPABEL OF A SEX ONLY RELATIONSHIP. I was always upset, felt used and dirty, and generally horrible. So I finally siad I dont think we should do this anymore and hes ust like "ok." Im like "ok? OK!" Yeah he could have at least give up a little bit of a fight. I rember one time he mentioned some fat ex-girlfriend, I dont even want to know what he says about me.
Okay so of course there are a few people I glossed over and didnt mention but they were mostly random makeouts durring intoxication and one date people who really didnt affect much of anything. So lets get a quick review before moving on. We have mental dysfunction, worthlessness, self-esteem issues, fear of indifelity, disbelif in undying love, and general trauma. So a couple of months after the termination of fuck-buddy I enter into another relationship.
This one isnt over so I could be biases but I think I might have goteen lucky. Im not a mushy girl by nature, but I have to tell you a grand sad tragedy. Today I was at the bar...yes sitting at the bar with my friends and I whiped out my planner and was practicing my signature...and let me tell you it wasnt my last name...oh the shame. Then I went home and wrote in my journal flipped back a couple enteries every single entry since I have met him has something about him. I can barely hold a conversation without throwing out the phase.."my Ed..." I stare at his picture, tell him I love you to my empty bedroom before I got to sleep. Ive been watching the wedding story.,..his sister knows my ring requirments...oh the true shame of it all.
Well allow me a moment to defend myself. And Im afraid that my only defense is that I love him oh for so many reasons. He has kind eyes, holds me, Im not afraid to be weak around him, we have thumb wars, he has a habit of unintentionally making falic symbols with playdoh, he tells me stories before bedtime...sings along to the radio with mushy songs, we make fun of porno movies together, he bought me the cutest stuffed cow...and well he loves me too.
Now I know this sounds like a fairytale ending to my messed up history but its not. So all of those who know me and Ed and know us together stop shopping for wedding presents! Ive come to realize how truely bad I am at all of this. I do have major trust issues and living 200miles apart doesnt help that...i seem to convince myself that some small waisted big busted bimbo is going to steal him away from me. And communication is tough, but as ben has always said since the beging of our almost 9month long relationship "we will work something out." and we always do. The fact is he makes me happy even with the way things are now and I do love my ben, but I think we should live within the same city limits before saying forever and the more I learn about life the more I realize that there is so much more I dont know and I know enough right now to make me realize that Im not ready for that, and there isnt any rush on the issue anyways. Me and Ed, well "we will always work something out."

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