A bonus to being an only child and a spinster is your parents aren't distracted by other people or grandchildren and therefore still take great joy in lavishing you with numerous bundles brightly wrapped presents. Curious about what made it on the list this year?

1. 6 pretty white wine crystal glasses (the kind that sing when you run your finger over the top of them)
2. DVD of Momma Mia
3. Soap & Glory Clean on Me Body Wash
4. Soap & Glory Righteous Butter Lotion
5. Replacement Sonicare Brush Heads
6. Apple In-Ear headphones with Remote and Microphone
7. Amanda Palmer WKAP Book and Vinyl
8. Bare Escentuals Hydrating Mineral Veil
9. Bare Escentules Eye Defining Brush
10. Flute Music Books
11. Lemon Verbena Petite Air Essence by Agraria (One of those air infuser thingies)
12. Holidays on Ice, by David Sedaris
13. Jenny and the Jaws of Life, by Jincy Willett
14. Children Playing before a Statue of Hercules, by David Sedaris
15. And a new aesthetically pleasing dog bed. (Well that's more for Bellirosa)

Oh today (well yesterday since its after midnight) is Rosa's birthday. She celebrated her 4th birthday with and extra cup of food, treats, an evening of tennis, roughhousing with bellie and an after dinner nap.

Labels: Belmont, Lists, Rosa, Shopping

Do you remember when you were a kid and you would blow up those rubber balloons. Oh how you loved those balloons. But when you blew them up they has that gross smell and left that....balloony taste in your mouth.




Belmont's farts smell like balloons.

Labels: Belmont

So there I was minding my own business curled up in bed waiting for slumber to fall upon me when I hear a horrible cat screech. It had to be a cat the sound was undeniable.

"How odd I think to myself it sounds like it came from the living room." Before I could even finish my thought more sounds from the living room expelled in a series short grunts as two bulldogs arose from their naps and shuffled about unto the floor to investigate the noise.

I get up turn on the lights to grunt and shuffle myself into the living room...and there they are back on their respective couches staring at me.

There is a cat in my house. I swear I'm not crazy I heard it I was not sleeping, hell I hadn't even turned my light off yet.

But Ava how could a cat possibly get into your house? Well friends I will let you in on a little secret I'm lazy. On nice weather days (as today was) the dogs like to go in an out constantly. It makes me feel like a crack dealer having to open the door that much. Fortunately for me one day Belmont charged head first into the screen causing one side and the entire bottom half to become unaffixed from the frame...so its more like a screen flap rather than a screen door. Anyways it keeps most of the bugs out and the dogs can come and go as the please. I thought it was a genius plan until today.

But Ava your two dogs who aren't used to living with cats surely wouldn't have let a feline go unnoticed in your house when you shut the door about 4hours ago...let alone let said cat hang out in the same room that they have taken over as their sleeping quarters. Well friends my dogs are about as lazy and worthless as I am. When I had them at my parents house (who do have a cat) I don't think they noticed him at all. The big fuzzy thing on the coffee table that hissed at them every time they passed by was about as much interest to them as the coffee table itself.

So there I was 3am...every light on in the house shoes on so the feline couldn't attack my feet. I kneel on the floor, look under the chair (nothing), ottoman (nothing) and then couch...nothing. I didn't here it run. It probably could have fit through the baby gate but I wasn't about to go downstairs looking for it.

I have fear that there is a viscous tiger in my house waiting for me to fall asleep. Its probably a ravid bad-ass cat with no fear it would have to be to just waltz into a house covered in dog hair. Its surely just waiting for me to fall asleep so it can attack.

How dumb am I going to look when I leave a note for the petsitter tomorrow "I fed them before I left. Rosa will need her pill when you feed them in the morning. Oh and by the way I think there is a stray cat in my house. See you Saturday!"

Okay so my window is open and it is possible the cat was outside when making screeching noises but still very unsettling indeed. Alice if you don't hear from me tomorrow call the cops and warn them that they will most likely find me laying in a pool of my own blood and cat fur.

Labels: Belmont, Embarassing Stories

Today I played a very dangerous game and lost. I was driving home from Chicago about 30miles from Rochester. Belmont had been whining for most of the trip. Belmont's whines usually mean one of the following...He wants attention, he is thirsty or he needs to go outside. Seeing as Rosa had taken up residence in the front seat and was showing no sign of giving it up my money was on jealousy....WRONG. Just minutes from home the whining intensified to barking....humm maybe he does need to potty...well we are almost home he holds it all day he can hold it for a 4hr car ride.

Whats that smell? I look in the backseat and the biggest shit ever had taken up residence in the back seat. I couldn't really blame him he did warn me. To make matters worse it wasn't exactly a totally solid stool. So there I was two dogs and a pile of shit ridding home the last leg of my journey with the windows open baking in 90 degree heat.

I ask you is it better to close your self up in the cool air conditioning and a pile of shit or open the windows and have the air simultaneously circulate and bake it? It was a decision I hope none of you have to make.

Labels: Belmont, Embarassing Stories

I'm going to Minneapolis this Saturday to have some quality time with old work chums. We are going to go to the zoo, have a nice dinner some drinks and crash at a hotel for the evening. Not one to let an 1 1/2 drive to go to waste I thought it might be a good time to take "birthday" up on his offer to hang out.

Birthday is a guy I've talked online with for what seems like forever we met about a year ago and had a good time but well quite frankly I'm not in the market for anymore long distance friends. Anyways since I was going to be in town I thought we could hang out. He was all for it of course Friday night was better for him so it would mean another hotel charge but whatever.

Of course there was one major flaw in perfect weekend plans. The duties of motherhood came crashing down on me. Roomie is camping for the weekend which leaves me with two dogs and no sitter. I could ask some work friends but I feel odd asking them for favors because they never seem to need any from me and I just don't want to be that person. I don't particularly want to call the pet-sitter because its $30/day and Belmont always seems to throw up everywhere when someone he doesn't know well takes care of him.

So I'm just going to have to blow-off birthday guy. Feed the dogs right before I leave put out plenty of water and put down some puppy pads in the kitchen and hope they don't die by the next afternoon. I figure at worst they will be alone for 24-hours. Am I a horrible mom? Probably. Am I even more horrible for wishing I could rationalize leaving them alone for 48-hrs?...definitely. Please don't report me to the ASPCA.

Labels: Belmont, Birthdays, Friends

Here is Belly looking confident in his manly stride down at the park

Belmont kicks it into high gear. Watch out for those jowels they just might poke your eye out!

Both photos taken by the not-quite boyfriend Red who can not be properly credited for his photography since he is incongnito for my blog.

Labels: Belmont, Red

So in my first order of buisness belmont is home safe and sound. His leg looks pretty icky and his half shaven butt is quite the fashion statment but all things considered I think hes doing well. He has spend pretty much all day sleeping and is taking 10 pills a day so I assume he will be doing quite a bit of sleeping for the next couple weeks. I think Im going to have to get him one of those pill boxes.

In other news I can be such a bubble head sometimes. Incident one. I was collecting belmont from the vet and set my purse and keys in the car. I to free my hands so I could lift him into the back cargo area. I colleced my purse and closed the door. This would have been okay if I would of had my keys IN my purse...unfortunately I left them next to them. I realized the problem as I walked to the drivers side to unlock my door. Sigh my vet is not in town. So I had to call a locksmith from 20minutes away to come and rescue me. $70 dollars later I was on my way home.

Incident two. I was at bowling. I walked up and was about to hurl my ball down the ally when I notice humm the light isnt on...and I here someone saying no no NO!! I look over an a very frightened looking bowling employee is staring straight at me while half bent over fishing a pin out of the gutter. I hang on to the ball slightly loose my balance but I did not fall down or kill anyone.

Incident three. The very next time I am up to bowl I go up to my lane...check for the light...its on we are all good. I throw it right down the middle...very promising. Then the pin gate comes down and the gate bends forward. My ball hits the gate bounces and comes rolling back towards me. All eyes turn to me. The guy I almost took out five minutes ago comes to my aid and resets the lane. He giggled a little.

Labels: Belmont, Embarassing Stories, Health

I dropped off baby bell for his first surgery today to repair his crucial ligament. Even though the vet said his left knee was more unstable I insisted he do the right knee first because that is the one he has been primarily limping on. Well was his mommy right because when they got in there not only was his ACL all screwed up but he had a tear in his meniscus. Which they said they cleaned up as best as they could I don’t know exactly what can be done in the case of a torn meniscus but I suppose it’s good to know I’m not crazy. So he’s staying the night at the vet’s office and I can pick up my little bundle of fur and stiches tomorrow morning. Where I took the day off so I can dote on him to no end and make sure his pillows are fluffed and water has unmelted ice cubes.

One note on my financial investment on this surgery…its not cheep and I can’t technically afford it. Although my visa can. What I don’t understand is the multitude of people (basically everyone but my parents) that were utterly shocked that I was going to get him the surgeries. Umm hello? I don’t have kids he’s 3yrs old has many happy and healthy years left with me of course I’m going to get him fixed. If a 20yr old breaks a hip you don’t just throw them in a wheelchair and be done with it. I am not a fan of he’s just a dog mentality. He’s more than a puke making, underwear eating garden destroying dog. He’s a pet who sits on the couch with me when I’m sad, cuddles with me when I’m lonely and is a conversation starter when meeting new people at the dog park. That’s worth the price of any surgery.

In case you had some undying curiosity about my Belly’s injuries I have included some anatomy drawings of a knee (Provided by Mayo Clinic). They aren’t stolen if you give them credit right?

Labels: Belmont, Health

am so tired. It’s been a bit of a weekend from hell. I had a 3-day weekend to celebrate my bday. I took off after work on Friday to Madison to meet this boy I’ve been talking to online. I was actually quite smitten with him drawn out long conversations every night that sort of thing.

The date went pretty well. I had fun he has a bit of a temper on him about stupid things but I think he just doesn’t like to be polite to people who don’t deserve it something I quite frankly wish I did more of. After several drinks we end up making out in front of the bar (tacky I know) and then went back to his place for more making out and talking. Not a bad kisser but he did have a bit of garlic breath. So then things got weird. I wanted to go to bed and he didn’t go with. Who does that? I wasn’t going to sleep with him but I could go for more making out and talking just in a more comfortable place but he stayed up and read. The next morning he barely talked to me it was odd. So yeah my high expectations were dashed…typical.

My cable and internet has decided to go out. I’m a bit lost. I’ve been without internet for days and I need to catch up on important things like checking the blogs I read and myspace and talking to my fake friends that I know basically nothing about besides their screen names. Belmont (my dog) is sick after my very log weekend complete with driving and birthday camping I came home to a house filled with dog poop and puke complete with a curt note from my pet sitter. I’ve cleaned it although I can’t get him to do anything but drink water, he won’t even eat the rice I made him. Maybe I can convince him to eat in the morning.

I’m really quite pathetic I don’t know how to entertain myself anymore. I don’t want to read anything I own sometimes I wish there was a Barnes and Nobel connected to my living room. Most likely Id just pick up some trashy magazine with anorexic Nichole Richee and her pregnant belly that bulges less than my double chin. I want culture. I want to not notice my internet is out because I’m too busy reading classic literature and painting to ever get around to going online.

I want to write poetry. I have written one poem since being required to do so school. It’s bad. I was drunk and very upset when I wrote it one of those unreturned love situations. I actually want to go and read it just to reconfirm it was bad but quite frankly I’m just too lazy to go dig up my old journal.

I’m much better with lists than poetry so here is what I want to do in the next 2years.

1- Apply for a promotion at work

2- Be able to close my old pants…that’s a good 50lbs

3- Pay off my car

4- Pay off my credit cards

5- Finish school and pass boards

6- Get a job in Chicago that is not a step down (lateral is just fine)

7- Buy a crappy condo in Chicago that has one bedroom and a balcony.

8- Sell basically everything I own which is not alive or have sentimental value.

9- Start over

Starting over has such a negative connotation. I don’t want to run away I have nothing to run away from. I have a good job and a nice home in a safe decent town. I’ve just decided it just isn’t me. Chicago is where I belong. I’ve gone out on my own and now its time to go home.

Labels: Belmont, Birthdays, Chicago, Internet Dating, To Do Lists

Today I was making my lunch and had assembled some cereal, a rice crispy treat and banana on the counter. I waltz over to pantry to get a bag and return to the stove to start packing my lunch.

Cereal, rice crispy treatthe hell? I could have sworn I had a banana over here. I look on the counterno banana. I look at the floor and there was Belmont sitting by my feet looking at me. No he couldnt have stolen it I didnt even leave the room. Theres no peel. Nothing went crashing down to the floor.

I am still dissatisfied by the case of the missing banana I am pretty sure that Belmont ate it. I went back and looked at the banana stockpile. I purchased two and one remained. I know I didnt eat it and but someone had to. I am just curious as to how a dog so clumsy could thieve so quietly. I will have to monitor his pooping to solve the mystery.

This is just another example of Belmont being dumb. If he had any sense at all he would have taken the rice crispy treat.

Labels: Belmont

After a large meal I decided that maybe I shouldnt be such a total slug and go for a bike ride on my new bike. It seemed the perfect destination would be the dog park. Ed and I got on our new bikes and I attached Belmont to a leash and tied it onto my handle bars. This was Belmonts second bike ride.

Now there is something you need to know about Belmont he doesnt listen and in turn he does not heel. So Im cruising down a stretch of straight pavement when my furry Einstein gets the idea to veer in front of the bike. I grab the brakes but it is too lateI loose control veering off the sidewalk into the grass where the bike falls over and I do a tuck and roll landing ending on Belmonts head. Ben described the seen as rather hilarious saying, "I thought you would never stop tumbling.....you just kept falling."

For all of you that are concerned about my well being unlike Ed. I am just fine I have a bruise on my chin presumably from Belmonts fat head and a grass stain on my jeans but I am able to carry on. Belmont got a swat to the rump and stern talking to. At least he paid better attention for the rest of the ride.

Labels: Belmont, Ed, Exersize

Well I have decided to resurect my blog..which technically wasnt a blog when I had the idea five years ago..before it was "trendy." It is currently a very rainy very boring saturday afternoon. I can not take the dog to the park so he is snoozing on my bed on top of my robe. This is the best possible position for him to ensure that his fur is woven into the fabric thus causing me to be covered with fur the instant I get out of the shower. Because clean wet skin is a magnet for pet hair. Well I know what you are thinking move the damn robe and stop bitching but well we all know thats just not my way.

My computer has a virus this is also pissing me off since I dont know diddle squat about computers. Allthough I suppose I do know that I should have some sort of virus software before downloading a bunch of crap off the internet but as Rory would say "highnsight is 20/20" (side note I should put that on a list of pharses that annoy me perhaps next post) So the moral of the story is that I can get into itunes and morpheus but not really do much allthough the internet is working fine...go figure. If I click on any of my shortcuts to any other programs I get this dr.watson postmortem debbuger faliure and everything freezes up. I thought this virus stuff would get old. The people who make this shit really must not have much of a life. I mean I dont have a whole lot to do most of the time but you dont go and see me causing a ruckus. perhaps next time I am bored I should go spraypaint some kittens or tell some new mother her baby is ugly. Just a thought

Labels: Belmont, Computers, Rory