I had a good chat with JSP today. I've had similar chats with the voices in my head on numerous occasions but never quite got up the motivation to do anything about it.

I've realized I'm a friend snob.

Quite frankly I really believe that no one I ever meet can be as fun and wonderful as my current friends. Nope no matter how wonderfully fabulous they may be there is no way they can stack up to my "real" friends. Thusly I never really give them any real opportunity to move up from friendly-acquaintance to PJ's and tub of ice cream friends.

This doesn't mean I'm rude, if they call me I will hang out but I really never go through any effort to foster the relationships and sit pouting up on my pedestal home...alone. This is very inconvenient since I'm clumsy and prone to falling. I need friends around to call an ambulance in the event of such a topple, or laugh at me providing all of my parts are still functioning properly after the tumble.

This is not to say there is anything wrong with the people I've met in my zip code just the opposite they are fun I like them. However I seem to have lost the ability to open myself up. Part of it is paranoia. Which I believe has worsened since the big breakup. I over think. I don't call because I automatically think whoever I might be calling always has something better to do than hang out with me. This is of course not often true. In my un-statistical guess i would say 50% they are doing nothing and another 25% they are doing something I can tag-along with.

Still though the whole process is risky...making new friends is harder than dating. Fine dump me if I have a big ass or won't suck your toes. I can live with that. How do you handle sorry I don't want to be your friend...nope its not your looks...it's your personality...just sucks. I don't think I would take that well. Especially since my personality is the one glimmer of light which my fragile self-esteem teeters on.

All risks aside...I'm out of excuses. School is over, I have time...lots and lots of time. I'm not moving...economy sucks, and will for awhile. I can't wait to start my life anymore. For good or bad I'm in Rochester for the long haul. Instead of living like a vagrant, its time to paint my walls make some phone calls, stock the fridge and fire up the grill.

Labels: Friends, Glass Half Empty, JSP, Thoughts

I'm sick of studying. So I'm going to do something out of character for me I'm giving up. I have been so stressed lately I'm worried about my grandfather whose mind is going, and is dying of cancer. The medicine they are giving him is slowing things down but its just a matter of time. My little grandmother is being dragged to specialist after specialist and is scheduled for surgery next week to remove her cancer, they seem unsure of what will happen after that. Its just alot.

Then today after a week of anguish and constant studying I took yet another practice test, with no improvement of my score. I'm frustrated, I'm tired and I'm going crazy. Something has to give. So I sat in front of the computer stressed and disappointed thinking, why am I doing this to myself?

The answer is to move back to Chicago, for hopeful job growth, in case I will need it if I don't get grandfathered in during regulatory policy changes (which is unlikely). These aren't very good reasons considering the toll it is taking on me. My brain has shut down I'm quite simply too frustrated to learn.

I will still take my test this Saturday but I'm done preparing for it. I am going in expecting to fail and that is OK. I will enjoy my summer, I will clean my house, I will visit my family and spend time with my boyfriend. I will have a life again. When the snow begins to fall next winter I will open a book again and try at my own pace and if I don't want to do it then that's okay too.

If I do ever decide to try boards again it will be different, less pressure, longer time of studying doing it casually, doing it on my terms. Then if the day ever comes that I decide hey I know this stuff I'm ready...that is when I will apply for a retake. But for now I'm sick of putting my life on hold and I'm going to stop waiting...stop waiting for school to be over, stop waiting for the perfect job to open up in Illinois, stop waiting for the economy to turn around so I can sell my house. Nope its time to just be. And if that means I'm in Minnesota forever its okay. My parents will eventually move here and I will have a family again. I will hopefully have a family of my own one day and not having to move to accommodate one would be nice. This is my house I will decorate it not for resale but for me. I live here I should enjoy it.

I went to church where I was greeted so warmly, it was so nice to leave the house, so nice to remember there are people in my own backyard that are thinking about me and care about me. I went out to dinner. I talked to my parents who were tossing around ideas of where to move out here, and gave me blessings on my decision.

It was a good day. I'm happy. I'm calm. I'm OK.

Now I'm going to push my books under my coffee table turn on the TV and start a blanket for my soon to be cousin. And maybe book a fancy hotel for JSP and I to go to Minneapolis next weekend.

Labels: Bitching, Chicago, Depressed, Family, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, JSP, School, Thoughts

New years is my favorite holiday. I always have new toys to play with and with the family get togethers over I am in a good mood in my own house. Since being 21 I can't remember a bad new years...its a friend holiday where I surrounded by the people who are closest to me. The people who will hold my hair if I puke without a lecture and with whom I will point out shady allyway corners perfect for pit stops. Yep its all very glamorous.

For many year's we would ring in the new year in Green Bay which is as far as I'm concerned the liquor capital of the world, but when Heff and Hairnet moved to Nebraska Alice and I were left to improvise our fun.

Two years ago Alice, Rory and I went to lacrosse. Alice spent a couple hours talking cops throwing some guy out in the street she knew into detox....she then drove him home (he didn't live in town) The I think Rory lost her walet. I probably wore bad shoes because I do belive I was alone for a long time. We went home before bar close.

Then last year we attended Cobie's bash at his apartment. We cooked, we drank, I met new people. I talked with them until 5am about utopian health care. I think we drove everyone else crazy.

Although my last two new years were good they lacked that reckless quality which I think is a must-have once a year. No one threw up in a car, no one picked a fight (ahem Alice), no one went missing for hours only to be found trashed at the bar next door. Okay none of that happened last night either but still it was closer.

Alice, George, Bag and I set out for B&K's house. I always forget where they live. It really isn't that complicated I usually get to within a couple blocks of it. There is really no excuse I've probably been to their house 20 times. Sigh. I give up my wandering and call them. No answer. So I call K&E, after being informed to look for a van with ribs written across the side...(true story) I leave the car and begin wandering the street looking in windows.

Upon out arrival we were welcomed with pomegranate martinis, dice and whiskey shots, vodka + fresca (the ORIGINAL citrus beverage), plum wine and mountains of food. The was talking in a cold smoky garage. Shocking stories, work stories, gossip, laughter, snorting and several trips to the bathroom. We played rock band, we snowboarded, counted down the last second of 08'...it was good.

I started the new year right...I woke up with a stomach ache, headache, coal-miner's lung and generally smelly. Just how it should be.

Next year....back to green bay.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Cobie, Drinking, Food, Friends, Glass Half Full, Rory, Thoughts, Wine, Work

This Saturday I was soaking in the tub and opening up my January issue of Glamour. When I came across this article: When Should You Sleep With Him? I linked it for your viewing pleasure. Seeing as I may be in the market to do some sleeping I read the article in its entirety. Sorry to burst your bubble but it wasn't very helpful, it basically just said not to soon. Maybe its my analytical side but that's just a little vague for me. If we exclude the first boyfriend all other partners have been admittedly too soon. I would hardly consider myself skanky at least in comparison to my group of friends I'm on the chaste side of average.

I have slept with people for all sorts of stupid girl reasons. Wanting to feel attractive, keep him interested, just plain because I wanted some action. All these are just rather crappy reasons mostly because it all seems harmless beforehand but I must face the facts. I am just not a casual sex kinda gal. Regardless of the status of the relationship after sleeping with someone I feel they should somehow worship the ground I walk upon, even if I still don't particularly care for them. Of course that never really happens so it inevitably doesn't work out.

I was talking with Alice the other night about aformentioned article when I realized what was different about JSP. I don't feel rushed. We are taking the time to get to know each other...to enjoy the courtship period. I think he's going to be around for awhile a distinct difference from any relationship I've ever had. So I feel like I have all the time in the world to get to that next step, and I want to have fun at each one. Sure being 27 while dating a guy for a month with the pinnacle of the sexual relationship being one little closed mouth kiss may not be the norm but I really really like it. It's fun, its suspenseful and it makes me excited. I haven't had so much anticipation since I was 16 and its something I never really expected to get again.

Lets back track for just a second. I forgot to tell you about date #3. It was my first trip to Albert Lea to visit him. Being a Sunday in small town Minnesota while it was slightly snowing there wasn't much going on. So we had a quiet date of lunch out followed by a tour of his town including the house he grew up in and the parking lot that used to be his high school. Although a little on the cheesy side I totally love that kinda of crap. Then we went back to his place, held hands on the couch while watching the house wives of orange county and played sequence. It was nice we relaxed and enjoyed each others company.

Date #4 is my turn and I think I may be going a bit over the top but that's kinda my style. I figured I'd give him a tour of Rochester. But being that its a boring town and I don't have very much history here to point out to make it tolerable I had to add a bit of pizazz. Well that's when I got in my email an advertisement for plane rides over Rochester where you actually get to fly the plane and you can go pretty much wherever, and the best part was is they must be slow before Christmas because they were offering it for about half price! BONUS! After that we will go to a late lunch and if its not super cold we will go to peace plaza for the winter bizarre for coco and random Christmas crap, if its blustery a movie. Then I'm thinking wine and cheese for a light dinner followed by Saturday night live and hopefully making out during commercial breaks.

As for the chastity belt I think I'm going to keep it for awhile, besides it too freaking cold to bother with shaving my legs.

Labels: Advice, Alice, Boys, Friends, Glass Half Full, Internet Dating, Thoughts

Last nights post was admittedly a disaster. Note to self drunk blogging is worse than drunk txting because you don't have a character limit. I've heard people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...although I've never been a fan of washing windows so I tend to be a bit careless with my stone throwing. (okay I'm putting a stop to the cliches)

So in the spirit of communication, and disgusting venerability lets do this thing. Cobie is my oldest dearest friend. I know he didn't overbook on purpose. I was angry and hurt mostly because I interpreted his misbooking as a fact that he wasn't as excited to see me as I was to spend some time with him. (Which looking back now I'm not sure I don't even belive that....I tend to be a blonde when it comes to dates too) And hell if I had to choose between Manhattan and a concert I'm not crazy about I'd fuckin' choose New York anyways. And to totally switch gears on you, I'm disappointed that he feels he has to walk on eggshells for me and that's made me realize I don't spend enough time just relaxing and having fun with him.

My friendship with Cobie is different. I can't explain why but I trust him, he is special to me and more than anyone when he has joys and sorrows I feel it. I don't spend enough time telling him how much I value him as a person, I don't spend enough time empathizing with him. However I do spend far to much time letting him see my bad side, my vunerable side, my unedited side. (shocking I know but I do edit). I'm a user. Cobie doesn't get to see the good side, the happy side, the ways I change because I trust him enough to see the mess underneath. He must have a very shady view of me which is completely my fault. He is patient, he helps. When I went through the Ed disaster he told me what no one else would. I see the changes in him though. I see him happy, I see him smart, I see him excited about his career and school, I see him living the life he wants. Which requires a certain amount of bravery. I'm not jealous of cobie though (said notoriously jealous Ava) with cobie I'm just plain proud. And for me to make that switch in emotions its gotta count for something.

To Cobie:
You are special. You are what I imagine a sibling to be. I am thankful I have you in my life. You are eternally my friend, and you are so not getting rid of me that easily. Forget Gwen its time you got to know Gwendolyn. I'm willing to stomp my stinking pride, I owe you. I love you. I'm sorry. Take your time. I'll wait. Your worth it.

P.S. 15yr old Ava took a hike, I'm back to my old self and booking a hotel room so I can go to my concert. Sure I may be going alone but I prepare to be drunk enough to fake being gregarious.

P.P.S: Signing the letter Ava didn't sit well with me. Sometimes if your going to go vulnerable you mine as well go all out.

Labels: Breakups, Cobie, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, Thoughts

I'm trying to be a better person. I am by nature a grudge holder...a bad one. I can stew for years over someone who stole my turn at shotgun or a person who smoked the last cigarette in my pack at a bar. However I guess after the Ed disaster I figured grudge holding isn't doing me any favors so I have delved into the realm of a combination denial and acceptance. Basically when something pisses me off I give myself a specific length of time to be pissed over something. The pout timer is set according to the level of unforgivable deception to which I was subjected to.

So here is the story we all know I am obsessed with my beloved Amanda Palmer and purchased my priceless tickets to see her in Chicago and Minneapolis. I bought train tickets for my voyage to the city and took the entire week off to visit with my family, then cobie for the concert then back to visit alice and go the second concert on friday.

Yeah well Cobie called bragging about wonderful Halloween in Chicago with good weather...which is slightly annoying enough in the first place considering I was drinking Riesling out of a pink cat-shaped bottle of wine by myself on a friday night. But I digress this is not the point of my story. He proceeds to tell me that hes going on vacation...the first week of December with Apple. I mention the concert which he conveniently forgot and then dug himself a deeper grave by saying he didn't book it just to get out of it...and then says he pretty much hated the CD (Yeah thats when the pissed metter hit 10). And he had to know it too because I was doing the thats okay with tone and didnt do my normal 3hour "feelings" monologue.

Yeah I didn't think he did it on purpose until that last moment but first lets talk about Apple. I have nothing against her in fact shes okay with me. But you know that girl in high school that was just so much better than you, and you kinda felt like the side kick friend meant to stand around just to make her look better? Yeah well that's Apple. And for some reason Apple with Cobie makes me into some 3yr old jealous kid. Did Cobie ask me to go on vacation...no. Even though I happened to have the entire week off anyway so I could of gone. Then there was that I wasn't trying to get out of it...who says that unless they were trying to get out of it? Perhaps I'm reading to much into it (that is a bad habit of mine)

This evenings incident has transformed into 15yr old crazy Ava well except I have wine, cigarettes and no parents breathing down my neck. Its a small improvement but I'll take what I can get at this point. I'm willing to let this go. I bitched to Alice who is now extra dedicated to attending the Minneapolis show so at least I'm not completely missing out. I've written my blog admitting to everyone I'm an immature jealous baby and now its time to get over it and weigh my options.

I know I will simply start to starve myself (so I'm skinny and adorable), go to med school, cure cancer then become a famous actress and be too busy with all my new super cool rich smart friends and then be too busy to ever hang out with my old friends again...oh well accept Alice I can name the cancer cure after her and I will tell everyone it was because she went to that Amanda Palmer concert with me. (This option although pleasing on paper seems perhaps mildly unrealistic)

Lets get back to reality I will sell the tickets on ebay or just give them to some crazy fan on myspace (that does seem like the more altruistic thing to do). I'm not willing to throw $135 down the toilet for train tickets so I will go home visit my family for a few days and spend the time they are at work studying for my boards. So its not exactly the fun I was hoping for but it does sound like the kind of vacation 15yr old looser Ava would have. I'm done now, time for a new bottle of wine.

Labels: Alice, Bitching, Cobie, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Music, Thoughts, Tiff, Wine

Rory was singing/humming that fucker over and over again. I couldn't quite place the tune so I had to ask?

Are you singing that the the melody of brass monkey or my buddy?

For the record it was my buddy.

Labels: Friends, Rory, YouTube

On Saturday we arrived at XS at 9pm. Wow we are so cool.

But seeing as we had nothing better to do and we knew we would have the place to ourselves we headed out. I brought sixty dollars with me this time :)

We played dice. ALOT of dice. I probably played about 15 rounds and somehow managed to not loose once. Although Hairnet was doing a bit of accidental cheating on my behalf.

Yeah so you do the math 15 shots plus a shot of absenthe (although I do not believe it was truly absenthe just a very strong liquor market in the us by that name) well and there were of course the maintenance "sipping" vodka cranberries which over the course of 5 hours had to be about 10. This being said MII purchased me a drink, and the shots were provided from dice and still even after all that I spent less than 20 dollars. God its good to have boobs. Now on to what you are really waiting for highlights of the night. This post is significantly more difficult because due to aforementioned over consumption of beverage I remember things in flashes.

I lost miserably at darts (I usually win)

When conversing with one of our "posse" friends that I don't know he told me his name was Zacharia...I did not know this was a joke and continued to call him that all night. No one bothered to correct me. I will from now on if I ever get the opportunity to talk to him again call him Zacharia. It all came together when Alice called him later by his real name on the way home in car...oh well.

I remember man handling our bar tender (all above the belt of course,ok well mostly)...after his invitations to do so.

Most of all I remember being too much information girl when talking to MII. I remember an odd conversation about nipples.

Dancing in my chair because lord knows I wasn't about to do it on the dance floor and be judged.

I remember being in the parking lot filled with people and peeing behind a dumpster. Sometimes its good practice to recapture ones youth.

Labels: Alice, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends

Scene: Day two of Green Bay festivities. Mister Inconvenient Impossibility (MII), Heff and Hairnet decide to step outside for a smoke.

Hairnet: Why don't we just smoke in here (there was a bar which allowed smoking inside the restaurant...Wisconsin truly is a magical state)

Ava: (Seeing MII already exiting the building and I was entering through the door myself) "Nah, I rather be outside then I don't have to talk strangers who I don't like.

I turn to the side of the door and was surprised to see not Hairnet and Heff but a group of about 5 strangers filing out behind me each of them turned to look at the unsocial bitch they were passing by. It was then when one of the women turned around and patronizingly rested a hand on my arm and with her best straight face said,

"Why hello how are you?" She couldn't help but crack a smile before she turned and walked away. That is a stranger I wouldn't mind talking to.

And now for something completely different...Jokes told during a smoke break: oldies but goodies.

Why do fat women give such good head?
Because they have to

Whats the difference between a Mercedes Benz and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Mercedes in my garage

What do you get when you stab a baby in the head?
An erection

Labels: Embarassing Stories, Friends

You know I am not so lucky when it comes to fate. I have resigned myself to being entirely too peculiar to be appreciated by any male that has an affinity for the opposite sex. And I'm picky. I've tried to be more flexible but I guess I'm just not willing tone down the authentic me. Not to mention that the first thought that flashes across my mind when I meet available guys is "what a tool."

Enter Mister Inconvenient Impossibility (MII).

I was at XS with my chums and part of the imported group was MII. Tall, not skinny, cute, nerd glasses, smart, funny and oh so fits in with my group of people. Well I suppose my friends are his friends so that's a given. We chatted we flirted. I was well quite frankly too drunk. Like stupid college kid drunk. So my filter was even more porous that usual however MII still for some unfathomable reason seemed to take a liking to me.

So you are expecting me to gush and giggle now. Name our future children, imagine our engagement and pick out colors for the wedding. Believe me I would want nothing more than to sicken you all with a the fairytale romance of perpetually single Ava Mazur finding Mister Right...well lets be realistic Mister Possibility. But as you will notice this man is named Mister Inconvenient Impossibility more specifically he lives over 11 hours away, in Ohio.

I would like to say our small weekend connection ended with a kiss and exchanged emails where we could chat and be friends...you never know were something might lead which would make him Mister Snowballs Chance in Hell.

But no it ended with him being realistic which really only pisses me off because I didn't get the opportunity to be realistic first.

Although honestly I guess I'm not really realistic. Despite my best efforts I do have hope in general of finding someone and don't like to throw away leads all willy nilly. I would take a snowballs chance in hell over impossibility any day.

Labels: Boys, Crushes, Drinking, Friends, Glass Half Empty

My adventure to depart to Green Bay for the weekend was very last minute. The night before my roommate said she was staying for the weekend and would take care of the dogs so I grabbed my stuff and was out the door.

Originally I was going to stay at Alice's parent's house but after stopping at Hairnet and Heff's house and learning they were going to infamous "club" XS I bailed and stayed with them. I had $15 dollars to my name but we departed and knowing they took credit cards I was confident in my ability to pay for a fun night on the town.

I had so much fun. We played dice I saw some old acquaintances met some new folks that were part of the group and after about 10 shots and five drinks somehow managed to come home with $5 dollars. I'm not exactly sure if I was stealing or perhaps giving blow jobs under the bar but a night out for $10 dollars is priceless regardless of the loose morals it takes to get me there.

And because I'm far to lazy to tell you EVERYTHING that happed I present to you...Random quotes from a drunk night out.

Scene: Very drunk shirtless guy (VDSG) at the bar his eyes are literally just about rolling back in his head. He had already bought a round of shots for my "posse" 15 seconds later..

VDSG: Let me buy you a drink

Ava: Oh, no thank you...you just bought me a shot, I can get this one.

VDSG: I did?

Ava: Yeah, you bought us all shots. -I point down the bar to my group

VDSG: At this point he stumbles a little an leans on a pole for support. "I'm gay."

Ava: Well...its a gay bar... so you've come to the right place!

VDSG: "Yeah I'm gay but...." he stumbles again incoherent mumbling..."Will you have sex with me?"

Ava: exit stage left


Scene: Heff is sitting at the bar when Creepy Alcoholic Guy (CAG) comes up and stands next to him. Oh and you all know CAG he is the one that is usually sitting at the end of the bar with his head down...I don't thing he ever leaves the bar but just passed out in his chair now and again.

Heff: Lights a cigarette and takes a couple drags.

CAG: Are you going to finish that? (Nodding towards the cigarette)

Heff: Well...I AM still smoking it.



Scene: CAG has now started to invade MY space and I am tying to ignore his talking to me. Totally cute wonderful doesn't like to charge me drinks bar tender was flirting with me...well more flirting with my ample bosom. And out of nowhere he reached into my shirt and put two plastic cups in to give me the "Madonna" look...well Madonna but less pointy. So of course this led to many laughs sassy posing and perhaps someone has a picture of it somewhere. CAG comes up grabs a cup and somehow snapped it back at my boob...it was not a pleasant sensation....CAG, ew

Did I mention as the night wore on CAG was taking half-full drinks and pouring them into his glass. My friends and I truly do only go to the finest of establishments.

Scene: After bar close we go to Denny's were everyone is taking joy in trying to set me up with "Mr.Inconvenient" (More on him later). Anyways His friend the birthday boy (BB) was by far the biggest offender

BB: You should sleep with him!

Ava: I am not going to sleep with him.

BB: Aww come on you have to give the boy something

Ava: I don't go around with sleeping with people I just met...well not usually at least.

Heff: Ava's having a bloody Mary

Ava: Heff...Really? (Insert glare of death here)

BB: He can earn his red wings.

Ava: I hate you all.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Birthdays, Boys, Conversations, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends, Stupid People

Ava has been a busy girl the last couple weekends and I quite simply haven't had the time to blog about all of my goings on so today's post will be a marathon of catching up.

Last weekend:

Saturday I went to Keystone's wedding it was lovely. A country club ceremony (which usually would make me puke) but it was intimate they wrote their own vows which they stumbled through complete with several laughing breaks. The food was good free beer and all and all a good time. Of course that was mostly because Alice was there and we could console each other on being single and fabulous.

Sunday started out on a sour note Alice, Curious, Bag and I were ready to set out for Lallapoloza however we were 3tickets short. The website was failing to email the tickets and there was no phone number to be found. Figuring we couldn't go wrong with a day trip to Chicago we set out for the 5hour drive anyway. We stopped at an Asian market in elk grove and then went to smoke which had the best mac and cheese ever...the BBQ its known for was pretty good too.

When we got to the lake shore the ticket situation was solved and we were in. I think I'm getting a little old for music festivals because the amount of people pot, BO and teenage stupidity was a bit annoying but then again I was sober. We only got to take in two shows: Gnarles Barkley and Kayne West. Now I'm not a big Kayne West fan but live and on his home turf the guy was awesome. Alice has since made me listen to him a lot and he's starting to grow on me even more.

On to this weekend adventure:
Wednesday evening we set out for Nebraska to visit Hairnet and Hef (Cobie was flying in to join us on Friday)...boy is that a horribly long and boring drive and that doesn't even mention the entire state of Iowa which for some reason drives under the speed limit and has construction cones on half the roads for no reason. Highlights of the trip:

• Getting spam postcards at a rest-stop
• Playing taboo...3 times
• Alice talking about Garbage pail kids in her sleep
• Realizing I forgot my Driver's license and all I had was my old expired one
  
• Making fun of the home schooled kid across the street who had to play by herself
  
• Going to a backyard Nebraska wedding....so many bug bits but they had a keg of Stella
• Winning darts at the most horrible gay bar...red states are not known for their gay bars I guess
  
• Getting invited as another Platonic date for a wedding (Cobie's sister is getting married)
• Dreaming with Cobie about backpacking in Europe this spring (Stay tuned for a full post)
• Getting yelled at by that mean lady downstairs that said we were being loud on a Saturday night (get a life)
• Cherry Vodka with fresca and sprite
• I whunt a cinnamon whun and a regular whun
• wii Steven Tyler looks even scarier when animated
• Electric Feel by MGMT
• Sharing a tiny purple velvet blanket with miss bed hog Alice....it's better than a towel though.
• Jackie Pants
  

Labels: Alice, Chicago, Cobie, Friends, Music, Vacation

Rory, Tiff, and some girl who's blog I read (dategirldiaries.com) are all headed down "happily ever lane" thanks to a small financial investment in match.com. I haven't wanted to date lately, for nearly a year. Of course I did end up in that ill fated relationship with Smiley which only reinforced my desire to avoid all things dating wise. However after a couple months of pure singletom I'm starting to reconsider.

I could potentially be moving as soon as next summer...however with my job, tuition reimbursement, bills, housing market and everything else outside of my control that rules such major life transitions it will be more likely to be the summer of 2010. So do I really want to sit here on my hands until I'm 29?

Lets look at some worst case scenarios?

• No one messages me: my ego takes a hit and I loose some money giving it a try....eh I can cancel after a couple months if nothing happens.
• I only have really crappy dates: well ladies and gentleman that is the blog content you've been waiting for isn't it?
• I fall blissfully in love with some guy who is chained to Rochester. This one would suck, but I don't completely hate Rochester and its something that would have to play itself out.
• I get my little heart broken: I really think I've toughened up on this one and my little heart is finally decently armored.

So I am presenting to you my very first poll...oh this is exciting think of it like a quiz but allot shorter. Anyways the poll will be open until Sunday at midnight (7-27-08). Vote so I feel loved.



Photo by: My Olympus

Labels: Friends, Internet Dating, Rory, Tiff

So I headed to Lacrosse for my super awesome birthday shenanigans. The festivities were to be held on Saturday July 19th, a day premature but logistically best for the observation of such an occasion. Much like Washington's birthday is observed on a Monday to give children and people with cushy jobs a three day vacation.

Just so you get the full effect I will start at 12am...I arrive downtown, Alice is drunk and convinces me and Rory to meet her at a bar. Normally I would not object but seeing as I had left in a hurry I was still wearing my lovely burgundy scrubs complete with sensible white crocks. I had half a beer and played cards while Alice flittered about.

After the bar we got to Alice's where she set us up with a movie and passed out. Alice is frugal which is endearing in most cases, however its less endearing when it comes to her "air conditioning" which consists of a fan that used to isolate. I keep my thermostat set at 70 and pay the bill almost gleefully in summertime. It is a luxury I have come to require. I'm convinced the heatstroke lead to my headache and resulting insomnia. The movie was over at 4am, I checked my facebook and myspace then settled for some quizzes on okcupid. After taking a quiz on lucid dreaming ability I ended up on wikipedia which entertained me until the sun rose at about 6:30am and I was finally ready for bed.

I slept until 1:30pm listened to NPR while reading my book and ate a tomato sandwich for lunch. At 5:30 we were finally dressed and went to buzzard billy's for blackened chicken salad and a side of french fries with the best ranch dressing ever.

We then went to G & S's house because they have air conditioning & cable and watched T.V. until 11:45. It was then that my dream of going out died swiftly with an impromptu trip to Mc Donalds. I should have been having a free birthday shot or ringing a bell at some college bar but instead I was ordering a no.2 no onions minutes before closing and not caring that the poor schmucks serving me were most likely annoyed that they had to clean the grill yet again before frolicking off to fun and frivolity. Even though that was me only 5years ago.

So am I upset that my birthday bash was well...totally lame? No, not really because I'm not the 5yrs ago me. I would feel stupid ringing a birthday bell (although truth be told I've never rang one). I don't want people singing to me at restaurants and I don't really even care that I can get a free entree if I bring 3 other diner's with me for my birthday meal.

Ava's birthday observed started when I turned 21 and was a good summer excuse to get together and do something a little outside the ordinary. Over the years it has made up all the trauma left from never getting to sit in the birthday chair at school or passing out cupcakes to my classmates. But maybe its time to move on.

Today I am 27. I have the feeling each birthday leading up to 30 is going to be hard for me. Not that I feel any younger than that age in fact if I got to pick my age non-chronologically I would probably choose early 30's but its a reminder...of how my life is off balance.

In some ways I feel ahead of the curve: family relationships, friends, job, financial stability, mental security all that sort of stuff is good.

Then the sad lame Ava pops up where I realize that relationship-wise I may as well be 15. Really no improvement, no hopefuls. And each time I log into some wretched networking site and see a photo of a friend's baby or or a couple hugging in front of a sunset on their honeymoon I can't help but thinking. Did I totally miss the bus?

I'm told these things all happen on different time tables. I'm told I'm smart, funny, caring, hell even beautiful once in awhile but these people are my friends. I can't help but blame myself...at least a little. I find myself saying if you just lost the weight, if you didn't cry at every animated movie, if you didn't flick off that guy that cut you off in traffic, if you didn't waste so much time dating the wrong people, if you weren't as successful, if you didn't like weird music or documentaries or talking about random articles on wikipedia, you would be that girl in front of the sunset.

But in truth most of these things I really don't want to change. Which makes me feel a bit destined for a life of being perpetually single. Am I too stubborn to change? Is there really room in my life for another person? Would I even give Mr. Right a chance? My honest answer is no. Even if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I would probably dismiss him and not even know he was there in the first place. This is what makes me sad.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Birthdays, Depressed, Dreams, Drinking, Food, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work

Saturday I slept in until 10:30, showered and discovered I had forgotten both toothpaste and deodorant. Which caused me to buy little travel sized ones at the hotel gift shop for twice their retail value. I got to the zoo a little early with no problem those detours are much easier to follow in daylight. Work friends had more difficulty, so i entered the zoo parked myself on bench and read my book while overlooking the swan lake. It was a perfect day to go...75, sunny and not a hint of humidity.

I've always loved zoos. My father and I would take yearly trips at or near Christmas eve. I've only recently be reintroduced to zoos in the summer, its busier, stinkier, but everything is open and you get to catch all the special summer goings on.

I also like taking pictures and there are endless opportunities. Unfortunately I was not smart enough to charge my battery so it died after only about ten pictures. So what was my favorite part of the zoo trip? The butterfly garden. Yeah I know I've been giving butterflies a bad rap but they had a nice little guide so I could identify them and the garden area was just gorgeous! The chrysalises were all on display and labeled and butterfly's were everywhere you had no trouble finding the ones on the list.

After 6hours of walking around we were pretty well spend and went to the embassy suites hotel. Very nice and excellent customer service... seriously EXCELLENT. It was a little pricey but well worth the added cost. There was a open bar happy hour for two hours which we participated in I got 2-screw drivers.

We then went to the liquor store to stock the fridge and bought a pack of cards and then freshened up a bit before dinner. Instead of driving around buzzed we partook in the hotel's restaurant which was 20% off since we were staying there. We had crab cakes and a warm goat cheese tart and anti-pasta platter. For my main course I had a barley risotto with mushrooms and something else in the sauce we suspect is nutmeg, Gorgonzola cheese and beef medallions. The meal was rounded off with a layered chocolate cake with Baily's and creme filling. Divine.

Back at the room I cracked open a fat-tire beer and we played go-fish and 500, then preceded to have cigarettes off the tiny balcony in our non-smoking room. The door only opened about 3-inches, just enough for you to stick your hand out. We caught up chit chatted about the people I used to work with and eventually on to the theories of friendship, love and family. I was a perfect weekend.

Photos: by me

Labels: Beer, Drinking, Food, Friends, Vacation, Work

So Friday was my un-date with birthday. We met at centennial lakes park, which did not require me to parallel park or pay an attendant for the novelty of not driving my car and it was easy to find. Major bonus. We walked around the park grounds chatting and deciding what we wanted to do. There were paddle boats, a gondola which was mysteriously plugged in, croquet and put-put. I chose put-put. I started at the first hole and barely looked at my ball while I took my first swing…hole in one. Go me. That was the highlight of my golfing. I missed holes by inches and landed in more than one sand trap and rock embankment but it was still fun because we made up rules along the one…pretty much exclusively for my benefit even though we forgo’d the formality of keeping score.

After golf we went to his car where he opened the door for me and I was greeted with a piece of paper that included weekend road closings so I would have a heads up for my commute to the zoo the next day (very thoughtful). I gave him free reign for restaurant choice and we went to Crave. A trendy spot with an open kitchen, complicated light fixtures, linen napkins and the type of food that you want to take a picture of before you eat it. Oh and it was good food.

Conversation flowed well. I learned his two favorite words are shrub and yak. Shrub because if you say it over and over again it makes your lips tickle, Yak because the animal itself makes him smile. I blame my lack of sleep but my brain failed to produce an actual vision of what a yak looks like…I was thinking a dear with horns rather than a buffalo.

My confusion led to a spur-of-the-moment side trip to barnes and noble at the adjoining mall. Where we paged thought the books until we found a picture of a yak…sure enough a buffalo with horns was a very good description.

The next part of the plan was to go to an improv show. It had started to pour but mr.planner had remembered to throw his big golf umbrella in the car. Unfortunately due to the books-store detour we were late and there are only two shows on Saturdays which didn’t do us much good.

Plan B was the movies where we saw Wall-E. It was cute but will not be making Ava’s top pixar movie list. After the movie he dropped me off at my car and I was on my way back to my hotel and lordy did I get lost. What should have been a 12-mile trip took an hour and a half and a call to alice to get me out of wherever I was.

The next morning I saw I had a missed call the message was just checking in make sure I hadn’t gotten lost…thoughtful guy.

Yes Yes I know it doesn’t sound like an un-date but that’s what I though last time I went out with him a year ago. He’s just like that I guess. Besides although single I don’t really have any desire to change the status-quo.

Labels: Birthdays, Boys, Friends, Internet Dating

Message from Alice: I got and invitation Keystone's wedding....do you want to go with me?

Keystone is an odd memory at best. I knew him though Alice and the three of use were the Keystone Light drinking crew of summer a summer long ago and far away. At the time when my relationship with Ed was going from bad to ended and I was in my depressed not-at-all Ava stage. (Which fortunately Alice has since forgiven me for). Anyways its a long story that is not worth going into. Anyways time has past and Keystone has met his "one"...I guess. They got pregnant and had a baby this winter and it seems this august the wedding bells will chime. Me cynical? Okay maybe.

Similar to Alice I got a wedding invitation of my own in the mail...I mean this a little too literally. My lesbian work friends are getting married and I gifted them my blank invitation since they will do more good with them than sitting in my closet. I didn't pay any attention to the envelope but then I opened it and saw the red outer pocket..chili red to be exact with eggshell paper inlay and gold corner adornments.

I plucked out the RSVP card with out much thought and added Alice to my name on the card.

Ava: Sure I'll go to Keystone's wedding with you, your still going to lesbian work friend's with me right?

Alice: Yeah

Ava: It's kinda sad isn't it?

Alice: I suppose...Seems you have to be a lesbian or get knocked up to get married around here.

The funny thing is I'm not sad. Normally I would feel pathetic or lonely...but the only feeling I could muster is thinking this is kinda a sad state of affairs. As if the little camera crew that lives inside my duct work looked in spying on me and would shake their heads at the pathetic lump adding a best friend "date" to not one...but two weddings.

Sometimes its odd for me to not feel bad about something. Two weddings, two good friends finding people they will someday (probably soon) marry. And when I think of it all I do is shrug. This is not to say I don't have occasional twinges of jealously...but that is too strong of a word its more of an anticipation for my time one day. I'm less concerned about the time table which is very not-at-all Ava like but in a good way this time.

Photo by We the Living

Labels: Beer, Conversations, Drinking, Friends, glbt, Rory, Thoughts

I have not answered my phone or checked my messages since last Tuesday night. This was partially on purpose I was home and busy and partially because my phone is on its very last legs and I'm having trouble getting the battery to charge. When I finally got around to checking my messages this afternoon I had:

• 5 messages from Alice
• 1 from my insurance agent
• 2 from my mom
• 1 from the mayo blood donors center
• 1 party invite for a bond fire

It seems that the world managed just fine without...well except for maybe Alice.

iPhone countdown: 3days

Labels: Alice, Friends

I'm going to Minneapolis this Saturday to have some quality time with old work chums. We are going to go to the zoo, have a nice dinner some drinks and crash at a hotel for the evening. Not one to let an 1 1/2 drive to go to waste I thought it might be a good time to take "birthday" up on his offer to hang out.

Birthday is a guy I've talked online with for what seems like forever we met about a year ago and had a good time but well quite frankly I'm not in the market for anymore long distance friends. Anyways since I was going to be in town I thought we could hang out. He was all for it of course Friday night was better for him so it would mean another hotel charge but whatever.

Of course there was one major flaw in perfect weekend plans. The duties of motherhood came crashing down on me. Roomie is camping for the weekend which leaves me with two dogs and no sitter. I could ask some work friends but I feel odd asking them for favors because they never seem to need any from me and I just don't want to be that person. I don't particularly want to call the pet-sitter because its $30/day and Belmont always seems to throw up everywhere when someone he doesn't know well takes care of him.

So I'm just going to have to blow-off birthday guy. Feed the dogs right before I leave put out plenty of water and put down some puppy pads in the kitchen and hope they don't die by the next afternoon. I figure at worst they will be alone for 24-hours. Am I a horrible mom? Probably. Am I even more horrible for wishing I could rationalize leaving them alone for 48-hrs?...definitely. Please don't report me to the ASPCA.

Labels: Belmont, Birthdays, Friends

It's been about 3months since my last period. Most girls would be freaking out but this is quite normal for me....especially since I can't even remember the last time I was close enough to a penis to become impregnated...god the child would have been born by now.

Anyways I'm hoping today's funk is due to pms. The signs are there

• I cried at a commercial
• I watched a lifetime movie and cried again
• My tummy hurts
• I've sat on my couch a lot
• I've googled people I haven't spoken to in years

I did not go to the gym...I did not finish my 15miles and I don't want to hear about it. Today I'm impressed I got the motivation to take a shower. I feel a bit guilty about the 4th. It was supposed to be this long relaxing 5day weekend at home and it turned into this

• Tuesday after work drive to parents house arrive at 9pm
• Wednesday drive 2hrs round trip to pick up grandma, have dinner with parents
• Thursday hang out with grandma, 3ish take 2hr train ride to Chicago....hang with Cobie
• Friday-Cobie
• Saturday-Get up early-drive 2hrs to 3yr old cousins bday party...where I have been threatened with lynching if I show up late. Spend of the rest of the day with extended family, return home with patents (2hr drive home)
• Sunday wake up leave around 12 for a good 6hr drive home with the dogs.

The whole weekend sounds daunting to me. Am I a total bitch for wanting to cancel on all of them and spend five days locked in my room with my dogs? To make matters worse I'm getting the vibe from my parents that they aren't particularly thrilled with me taking a huge chunk out of the weekend to spend with Cobie. I rather not cancel though. True I will be seeing him in august and taking the Chicago trip out of the equation would simplify things but I want to see his new apartment and I think he would be uber pissed if I canceled. Maybe Ill just stay Thursday night and then come home on Friday. That would save him a trip to a toddlers bday party as well.

Okay real time update...I just canceled with Cobie...he is such a saint not to self plan a just-Cobie weekend.

Photo: Art.com
Goal Progress: By bike 4.0miles, walking 2 (ish) miles or so I'm told (Total 13.86) God I suck.

Labels: Birthdays, Bitching, Chicago, Cobie, Depressed, Friends