I'm sick of studying. So I'm going to do something out of character for me I'm giving up. I have been so stressed lately I'm worried about my grandfather whose mind is going, and is dying of cancer. The medicine they are giving him is slowing things down but its just a matter of time. My little grandmother is being dragged to specialist after specialist and is scheduled for surgery next week to remove her cancer, they seem unsure of what will happen after that. Its just alot.
Then today after a week of anguish and constant studying I took yet another practice test, with no improvement of my score. I'm frustrated, I'm tired and I'm going crazy. Something has to give. So I sat in front of the computer stressed and disappointed thinking, why am I doing this to myself?
The answer is to move back to Chicago, for hopeful job growth, in case I will need it if I don't get grandfathered in during regulatory policy changes (which is unlikely). These aren't very good reasons considering the toll it is taking on me. My brain has shut down I'm quite simply too frustrated to learn.
I will still take my test this Saturday but I'm done preparing for it. I am going in expecting to fail and that is OK. I will enjoy my summer, I will clean my house, I will visit my family and spend time with my boyfriend. I will have a life again. When the snow begins to fall next winter I will open a book again and try at my own pace and if I don't want to do it then that's okay too.
If I do ever decide to try boards again it will be different, less pressure, longer time of studying doing it casually, doing it on my terms. Then if the day ever comes that I decide hey I know this stuff I'm ready...that is when I will apply for a retake. But for now I'm sick of putting my life on hold and I'm going to stop waiting...stop waiting for school to be over, stop waiting for the perfect job to open up in Illinois, stop waiting for the economy to turn around so I can sell my house. Nope its time to just be. And if that means I'm in Minnesota forever its okay. My parents will eventually move here and I will have a family again. I will hopefully have a family of my own one day and not having to move to accommodate one would be nice. This is my house I will decorate it not for resale but for me. I live here I should enjoy it.
I went to church where I was greeted so warmly, it was so nice to leave the house, so nice to remember there are people in my own backyard that are thinking about me and care about me. I went out to dinner. I talked to my parents who were tossing around ideas of where to move out here, and gave me blessings on my decision.
It was a good day. I'm happy. I'm calm. I'm OK.
Now I'm going to push my books under my coffee table turn on the TV and start a blanket for my soon to be cousin. And maybe book a fancy hotel for JSP and I to go to Minneapolis next weekend.
My father is quite possibly the cutest dad alive. This morning I received multiple phone calls (4) and emails (2) to not drive home tonight after work. My dad who had the day off took it upon himself to drive to Wisconsin this morning to test the roads for me. He stopped in Kenosha to open his little plastic bag which contains his cell phone and call my mother to put out the no-travel decree.
So the plan is tomorrow I will see how the roads are and make the call to come home for Christmas or spend my holiday sitting at home with no tree and no presents. Depressing.
Of course on the upside if I do get snowed out I can take a long weekend for new years, hang with Cobie and the family on the weekend so actually that would benefit everyone but still its just not the same.
Growing up in the burbs one is taught to fear the city.Especially when half of the parental duo grew up in said city, and in not the nicest part…Of course time has passed and after countless trips the “downtown” area my fears have been alleviated although I have never gone alone.The L maps confuse me, I have no sense of direction and my iPhone map application always seems to loose its ability to connect at the most inopportune times (thank you AT&T) so my venture to the concert did have some nerves associated with it.
My anxieties were completely unfounded.I browsed around the loop went to the historic Marshall Fields (which I suppose I should admit is Macy’s but refuse) so many clothing options…so many cashmere sweaters even in my size…frango mints and well just more of everything.I took a cab to my hotel chatted with people in the lobby none of which uttered the phrase “you betcha” or talked about hunting, 4-wheeling, camping or getting their ice shanties ready to put on some god forsaken frozen lake.
The hotel was wonderful in was right smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood filled with three flats and low rise apartments/condos.I walked the block and a half to Jewel and bought overpriced food and wine, stopped to browse at available condos adds in the window of the real estate office and popped in at a bar for a pre-dinner drink.
Home is a funny concept.When I have a bad day…or year I find myself saying I just want to go home, but in my years away from where I grew up the concept has gotten fuzzy.Since my parents have moved to no-where’s Illinois being with them isn’t quite home and Rochester well my stubborn streak never even gave it half a chance. Maybe it was because I was happy about being on vacation or excited to go to my concert but walking through the neighborhood, shopping at Jewel and not saying hi to people as I pass them on the street suited me just fine.I was in a place where my evening entertainment was a cab ride away, any store or restaurant I could ever want to go was here.I was happy, I was by myself but I was where I wanted to be.
On a sleeting Wednesday night in December I was standing on a Wrigleyville street corner hailing a cab and I knew...I knew I was home.
Vacation has been progressing nicely. I got to Milwaukee in time for us to make it to the french bistro for dinner. Of course what I ordered wasn't exactly my taste but the creme brule was to die for!
Sunday was spent with my family visiting my grandma, grandpa, two aunts and my little cousins. Kinda sad (because my grandfather is quite ill) but he was having a good day and it was just good to have a visit with everyone. On the way home we got trapped in a snow storm on country road which was not at all fun but then again I didn't have to drive so whatever.
Monday was shopping day with mom, we went to woodfield which was pretty much a bust but then moved on to old navy, nordstrom rack, filens basement, marshalls, tjmaxx and of course beloved ikea and had much more success.
I found the most perfect tv stand at ikea. Its technically a small shelf with glass doors but it will so work. I cant take it home on the train and didn't want to pay shipping so Alice and Rory will be forced to track down furniture parts at ikea with me...well at least it will be fun for me.
Today was a lazy day. My mom and I went out for lunch and are spending the afternoon putting up the christmas tree and other fun christmas decorations. So there is your mini-update.
Much like the American Idol Kelly Clarkson, I am "Miss Independent." -That was a joke folks stick with me here.
Today I booked my hotel for the Chicago Amanda Palmer show. No I didn't book some prissy (ahem safe) Michigan Ave room. Nope two star nothside for me. The good side its literally one itty bitty mile from my concert and two blocks from Wrigley and at $125 the price tag was tre' chic. It doesn't look too bad so hopefully I wont return from my stay with a raging case of scabies. Now I just have to figure out how to take the bus/L from union station to get there. I shall figure that out later. Besides worst care scenario I can use my savings to splurge on a cab.
The other problem is the dad factor. Do I blatantly lie? Daddy dearest will be mental at the thought of his little bubble-headed princess navigating the city alone, staying in a hotel without a doorman and going to a concert where I think he figures (and rightfully so) I will be drunk beyond sensibility. Regardless of what he says I will go (for christ sake I'm 27) and the only person that would really suffer from such a disclosure is my saintly mother who will have to hear him suffer in 40 decibel "silence" all while calling local hospitals until 8am the next morning when my mother will finally lift the ban on calling me. So full disclosure is probably not the best idea for this situation, but I'm not very good about lying...especially to my parents...especially without getting caught :P I think the best tactic will be to spring it on them at the last minute. I'll think on it.
Aside from all this I'm very proud of myself. I'm excited, I'm going alone on a little adventure... now if I only knew how to dress goth so I could fit in with the concert goers.
I've been called a smart ass plenty of times (just ask my parents) but I've never been much of a brain. I can't spell worth shit and I have just about as many blonde moments as Jessica Simpson. Also the one time I was forced to take an IQ test as an adolescent I my results were below average. That's right BELOW average....what a freaking blow. Its amazing I didn't give up right then and start my career as as full time cashier. I didn't score low enough to land me in "special" classes held in the basement of the high school but the fact that numerically I was closer to those than I was to being in the gifted program gave me a little bit of a complex that has followed me well into my adult life.
This paranoia of stupidity is impounded by the fact that I seem to surround myself with very smart people. People that enjoy trivial pursuit because they kick ass at it and can sleep through class and still get a B by just showing up on test days...bastards.
I have never graduated with honors, I have never been part of a special smart people club, I have never been to a special little ceremony to that tell people how smart I am, I've never has a luncheon with important school people or had money thrown at me to enrich my academic experience. I was however jealous every time the person sitting next to me at graduation got a little gold neckerchief or weird chords to dangle about thier neck. I really didn't know what they all represented (I still don't) but I knew I wanted them.
Today was my day to be a bright shining star. I checked my UND email ready to be pissed off by some annoying professor or fuck up with my graduation application but instead I was shocked to find an invitation for the golden key international honours society. Yes an invitation only smart people club invited me...ME?! And the best part way it wasn't even a mistake.
Apparently yours truly in her senior and hopefully finally semester ever at an academic institution has managed to finagle herself into the top 15% of her class (nothing like leaving it until the last minute). Let me tell you within minutes I was handing over my $70 bucks for a lifetime membership and eternal rights to include that little line item on my resume.
When I went to school, and school was my "job" my dad used to always say, "Go be brilliant." An odd thing for a man to say that was accepting of C's on report cards. But today I get to be the smart kid...Today I get say, Hi Dad I was brilliant.
Do you ever have one of those days where out of nowhere you totally loose you shit? Maybe its just me. Today started harmlessly enough. A drive back to Rochester, some dvr degrassi, chat with cobie.
Then the phone call from the parents and boom homesick. I've been trying to avoid the truth that all this economy bullshit is going to affect me and my master plan of getting the hell out of Rochester by spring 2010.
You know what I don't believe the stock market and housing market is going to bounce back in a few months and that makes me stuck here. Sorry Obama I know your great and all and I will vote for you, however I do not think you are magic. Yeah...I'm stuck. Trapped....Smothered and alone in Rochester freaking Minnesota.
So there I was bitching to my parents and after the switch to talking to my dad the blubbering started. I waannnaaa coooommmmmeee hoommme! Alice is moving and I'm going to be totally and utterly alone. My grandpa is dying....and I haven't even seen him since august. I'm a horrible granddaughter a horrible daughter, Ill never sell my house Ill be here forever with people that hunt and despise public transportation, they don't even have opera here...anyways I went on but you get the point.
This is pretty pathetic from a 27yr old whom has lived 300+ miles away for the last 9years of her life. You would think I'd be over it....but I'm not.
The Schaumburg house was mentioned...where I continue my blubbering of how i cant afford a 200K house that needs major overhauling (like new electric, and well interior everything). The fact I kinda always knew was confirmed I wouldn't have to pay for the house.
I guess this has been discussed with my grandmother and parents waaay more than I anticipated. Their plan is grandma would move in to them which would make it easier for them to take care of her. Grandma would keep the house (mostly for tax reasons to my benefit) I would pay "rent" which would basically cover the taxes and when the time came I would inherit it and do with it what I wanted.
I guess my grandma isn't crazy about releasing the house to developers that are just going to rip it down to build some schaumburgian mini-mansion and much rather it stay at least more or less physically there.
So its kinda a win-win-win
Its a good deal I admit. And considering the fact that at best I will only be able to rent my house out...and even if I did sell it with the decline in value there is no way I would have 20% left to put down on a car, let alone a new home. Being in Schaumburg is 1000X times better than here. Its only a 40minute train ride to the city where I can spend my weekends shacking up with Alice and Cobie.
But Ava what about your perfect condo in the city, drinks after work at the corner bar and walking your dogs with their coach collars and leash sets to the conveniently located dogpark where you would inevitably meet the man of your dreams and fall madly in love? (one hell of a run-on) I'm willing to let that go...quite easily in fact. You know what I like to do after work? sit and watch TV. This hardly requires and expensive condo in the city. You know what else I like having a fenced in yard for the dogs so I don't have to walk them. Its a luxury I've become quite accustomed to.
And I'm not getting any younger a weekend in Chicago already makes me feel like I'm 100 and quite frankly I don't fit in with the taxi-taking botox stiletto down-towners. I'm much better with the nordstrom rack suv suburbanites. Hey at least I would be within a 10minute drive to IKEA. There is also that whole kid thing. Much cheaper to ship them off to good suburban schools than pay for pricey private ones so they don't get shot.
Another Schaumburg bonus. No daily parental inquisitions. They are convinced my bubble headed ways will end with a phone call saying they have found my body in multilated and left in a dumpser, raped and being eaten by rats.
Here is the thing though..guilt. Yes my parents have been very generous with me but I have never been one of those kids. I hear about parents putting down payments on houses for their kids or worse yet buying them outright and I roll my eyes and think what a looser. Can't they just grow up and stand on their own two feet? I Miss Ava Mazur am Oh SO much better than them.
I'm headed down old maid spinster ally and my home and job and relative financial "success" is the only leg I have to stand on. So I have my pride. But I'm just not happy here. I know I'm truly not happy here because I love my new job. I love the people, I love being out in the hospital, I love that I'm actually getting to work on projects. But the moment I leave work I realize that's all I have which is really quite depressing.
Maybe its time I swallow that pride, it doesn't seem hardly worth hanging on to.
I picked up my grandmother in horrible Chicago-suburban traffic. I have become pretty much Minnesotan and wait until there is adequate room to turn, always use my signal and maintain a respectable following distance. I'm on a little two-lane highway in bumper to bumper traffic. Some guy in a sports car that I assume costs at least 1/2 the price of my home makes a right turn on red completely cutting me off so I have to slam on my breaks (even though I'm going a mind-numbingly slow 15miles an hour).
I fumble looking for my horn, knowing the moment has passed I sigh to myself and sink back into my seat annoyed but beaten down with defeat.
Just as I was about to let it go, my 5ft tall 82-yr old grandmother goes..."ASSHOLE!"
I couldn't help but laugh...my geriatric grandmother who has never driven a day in her life has totally one up'd my road rage. (Shrug) I blame Minnesota nice rubbing off on me.
I'm not much for public speaking. I've never been that kid in speech that sat at the back pale and stuttering but it certainly has never been anything I have sought out. Most of my experience has been at meetings where I have had to present something I have been working on for months so a quick overview to update everyone else has been well not to bad.
Then today was graduation day. I've been doing this beacon program at church and at our graduation we each had to go up and say a little ditty only 2-5minutes about what the program meant for us.
FUCK
This isn't talking about spreadsheets or cell markers...this was personal...feelings...in front of a bunch of people most of which don't even know my middle name. The worst part is, I actually had something to say. Beacons has changed my life, things I have pushed aside after my failed relationship got drudged up. My fears, expectations and other peoples expectations of me came into focus.
I procrastinated and sat down to write what I was going to say literally 1hour before I had to leave. So here it is the new and improved Ava Mazur:
When Pastor Nancy brought out her information packets to potential beacons I think she should have put in big bold letters on the front page: THIS WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF LIFE. Well maybe that was a little too much pressure for her, but throughout our assignments and meetings I have learned the meaning of mine. Surprisingly enough to me it has nothing to do with material items of what a stranger MIGHT think of me while passing him or her on the street but rather it is about giving the gift of myself and learning to be truly thankful for all I receive.
My path through the beacon program has been nothing short of a whirl-whin. I am stubborn and generally self-assured at least outwardly but the realization that what I deemed my weaknesses are actually my strengths has soothed my soul which I have quite frankly been neglecting for at least the last decade of my life.
I stand before you saying my job, my house and my bank balance are not important. The things that give me worth in my are:
Best friends that always return my calls
A mother and father who love me and tell me often
The hope of being able to say that to my own child(ren) someday
Being trusted by others to come to me with their problems
To appreciate people and life
And to say thank you out loud
I will not be a spectator. I want to make a difference, I want to matter. And I do.
Since starting the beacon program I have learned how to forgive and to be thankful for experiences even the bad ones:
I have silently said a prayer or a man who's family wasn't there to visit him on his last day on earth...he gave me the gift of knowing you are truly never alone
I have visited a co-worker who entered a hospital for addiction...she gave me the gift of trust
I have lost a high school friend who died of a heart attack at the age of only 26...he gave me the gift of living today
I've been to a friend's father's funeral; this gave me the gift of knowing it is best to say things today instead of waiting for the "right time" because the right moment may not present itself until its too late
I've been on the other end of a phone call from a friend who was doing fine on the outside but floundering withing...he gave me the gift of returning a favor.
My life isn't perfect and I wold suspect no one here tonight would argue theirs is any different. But in the imperfections and the surprises light shines. The light of hope, love and spirit.
I would like to share a quote from a song by Alanis Morissette, "I have been running so sweaty my whole life, Urgent for the finish line. And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete."
Beacon's has taught me how to feel this RAPTURE...incompleteness has a beauty onto itself and it is the beauty of an unexpected journey. Photo by Tawheed Manzoor
So I have once again broached the subject of moving to Chicago to my parents. My mother is staying neutral on the issue because I'm an adult and need to follow my own path. My father is resistant to the idea to say the least.
I've pretty much reached the decision that mayo and Rochester is a phase in my life and will come to a close in the next few years. I have dreams of a Chicago style loft on the north side that is cramped has an old balcony, drafts in the winter and outrageous taxes. I will take my dogs in their coach collars on walks to the nearby dog park and go for bike rides on the lake shore. I will have happy hour cocktails with my friends and ride the L while listening to my iPhone.
My father envisions me raped and murdered because I took the wrong train. This is not a fear of mine but my dad is playing a new card. Guilt doesn't work as well as its used to...and he has now moved into the preliminary stages of bribery and compromise of the Schaumburg. My grandmother will be moving in with my parents. Her home requires major work before it could be rented or sold. Enter the seed. A very reasonably priced home (family discount) in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs where I would have enough money left over to do any renovations I wished and have a home that is very "me."
Can dreams be bought? Probably. Why do you think I'm still in Rochester? Its hard to turn down a good paycheck and a good job. Check back with me in 3years we will see where I'm living.
On the flip side I think I'm going to not mention moving until I am in a position to do so, but I'm going to have to figure out a way to win dad over.
No this is not a movie review. In fact I haven't even seen the movie "the bucket list" but in my daydreams avoiding the work I brought home tonight I have decided to make my own version.
Now I haven't pre-prepared this so I may have to revise items later. Then again I tend to over analyze so maybe spur of the moment is good for me.
Things to do before I kick the bucket
1- Take two months to tour the following countries: Italy, Great Britain, France, Ireland, Spain, Germany, Poland, Finland, Sweden, Norway, Denmark and Iceland. 3 weeks: Japan & China, 3 weeks: Australia & New Zealand. I would stay in low budget hotels and take the train...visit museums and eat at local cafes I think I can do it for $50,000.
2- Clean out my entire house and sell anything that I do not love (get rid of that chair I don't like anymore) or need (have not touched in the past month). Any exceptions or keepsakes must be able to fit in a cedar chest, donate or throw away what did sell. Move into a new house that's small, paint every room a different color and actually decorate it to be mine!
3- Compile all my blogs and my journals into a physical book. Have it bound and printed. Put it in a safety deposit box.
4- Write a letter to everyone that has made a difference in my life. To thank them for everything they have done for me. I have passed up so many opportunities to thank people that have helped me in life. Find as many addresses as I can, and send the letters.
5- Shop at co-op, don't make or eat anything made by someone else for 1 full month. (Only visit the produce, dairy and meat sections). If its in a box, bottle or in a restaurant its off limits.
6- Be a mentor or parent to a child. Foster, adopt, have my own whatev.
7- Fix into a size 12...without sucking in after eating a large meal (i.e. a comfortable size 12)
8- Do something amazing for my parents.
9- Give $1,000 dollars anonymously to someone who needs it
10- Read up on at least 10 religions, write what I like and don't like from each one. When I'm done write my final draft of my own beliefs.
I know Ive been neglecting you all so I thought Id do a major post to catch you up. Here is some music for your reading pleasure.
Chapter 1: School OMG did that suck. But by some miracle I got my grades and ended up with 2 A'a and 1 B. Thats a 3.67 for the semester. Sweet. So for the next semester you get to look forward to hearing me bitch about the following classes: Laboratory Management, Clinical Laboratory 1, Homeostasis, and Clinical Chemistry Rotation. This is the last semester of real classes. Wish me luck folks.
Chapter 2: Work I dont like to talk to much about work on here just because its in poor taste but oy its not good. Things have been insanely busy for the last year and now my boss is leaving for greener pastures. Im scared. As a precaution Im getting my resume together of vacation. Perhaps this is just the kick in the pants I need to get me to find something new. Ill keep you updated.
Chapter 3: Family Im home for chirstmas...I want to go back to my home. I have officially reached that point in my life where my home and my life is well mine and I guess I like it. Staying at my parents house just doesnt feel right anymore. I have to wear pants, I cant blow dry my hair in the living room, I cant swear and i cant talk on the phone late at night. I love my parents I do I love being home and seeing everyone and catching up. But somewhere around day 3 Im about spent.
Chapter4: Bom-chica-bom-bom Things with Smiley are going remarkably well. Its been a whirl win we are always together and we will even be ringing in the new year together along with Alice and Cobie. I really will give more details one day I promise but I dont want to just yet :P
Allright so my parents were in town for the weekend with my little grandma in tow. Now for those of you who have met my grandma you know she is kinda a hoot. Shes about 5ft tall with the grey fluffy grandma hair 80yrs old. Looks like the type of grandma that you would see in movies stuffing extra creamer and a 50 sugar packets into her purse but that is a whole other post all together.
Anyways we are on our way to church and my mother requests a pit stop and as we pull into the parking lot my grandmother anounounces in a very loud voice, "Gwen honey, you wanna go in for a quick little spray job?" Spray Job ewww. I understand what she means but it completly grosses me out.
I might be able to let this go if it werent such an accurate representation of how my grandmother goes to the bathroom. She is a true believer of toilet "cooties" and thinks that hovering is the best solution to this problem. It might not be so bad if she had better aim but I suppose when you are eighty years old you start to loose ability for such things.
Earlier that day I used the bathroom after her and it looked as if an open casting call for the movie "Golden Showers Girls" had just taken place. It is me and my dirty minded thoughts that takes the term spray job to a whole other level. So I simply crossed my legs and said "Nope Im fine." I wish to never urinate or think of this again.
