I'm not much for public speaking. I've never been that kid in speech that sat at the back pale and stuttering but it certainly has never been anything I have sought out. Most of my experience has been at meetings where I have had to present something I have been working on for months so a quick overview to update everyone else has been well not to bad.

Then today was graduation day. I've been doing this beacon program at church and at our graduation we each had to go up and say a little ditty only 2-5minutes about what the program meant for us.

FUCK

This isn't talking about spreadsheets or cell markers...this was personal...feelings...in front of a bunch of people most of which don't even know my middle name. The worst part is, I actually had something to say. Beacons has changed my life, things I have pushed aside after my failed relationship got drudged up. My fears, expectations and other peoples expectations of me came into focus.

I procrastinated and sat down to write what I was going to say literally 1hour before I had to leave. So here it is the new and improved Ava Mazur:

When Pastor Nancy brought out her information packets to potential beacons I think she should have put in big bold letters on the front page: THIS WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF LIFE. Well maybe that was a little too much pressure for her, but throughout our assignments and meetings I have learned the meaning of mine. Surprisingly enough to me it has nothing to do with material items of what a stranger MIGHT think of me while passing him or her on the street but rather it is about giving the gift of myself and learning to be truly thankful for all I receive.

My path through the beacon program has been nothing short of a whirl-whin. I am stubborn and generally self-assured at least outwardly but the realization that what I deemed my weaknesses are actually my strengths has soothed my soul which I have quite frankly been neglecting for at least the last decade of my life.

I stand before you saying my job, my house and my bank balance are not important. The things that give me worth in my are:

• Best friends that always return my calls
• A mother and father who love me and tell me often
• The hope of being able to say that to my own child(ren) someday
• Being trusted by others to come to me with their problems
• To appreciate people and life
• And to say thank you out loud

• I have silently said a prayer or a man who's family wasn't there to visit him on his last day on earth...he gave me the gift of knowing you are truly never alone
• I have visited a co-worker who entered a hospital for addiction...she gave me the gift of trust
• I have lost a high school friend who died of a heart attack at the age of only 26...he gave me the gift of living today
• I've been to a friend's father's funeral; this gave me the gift of knowing it is best to say things today instead of waiting for the "right time" because the right moment may not present itself until its too late
• I've been on the other end of a phone call from a friend who was doing fine on the outside but floundering withing...he gave me the gift of returning a favor.

Labels: Dreams, Family, Friends, Lists, Spirituality, Thoughts

I'm sick of people dying. Life is getting me down. Rory's dad's death at 60 seems untimely young to me but I do have to say the news I received yesterday was particularly stunning. An old high school chum died of an unexpected heart attack at 26. 26?! We were never extremely close but we had drifted even more since I finished school. I think its even been a good year since I talked to him on IM. I do have to say Greg was good people. He was funny and full of heart. I have a weird separation from his death. I'm not waiting for his calls or miss his presence but quite frankly the whole thing freaks me out.

What if I went to bed tonight and never work up? What would I leave behind?

An unfinished mess. A sink full of dishes, dirty clothes on my floor and a credit card balance that would horrify my financially conservative parents. I've made no difference. I like to think I've made a difference in peoples lives by being entertaining or pushing unsolicited advice but it all seems so inconsequential. I guess I assume these things can wait. But should I really still be in coast mode? Shouldn't I be farther by now? Shouldn't I have a clean adult house with matching door knobs? I would have thought I would have been on the way to my own family by now?

I'm really hoping that life perks up a bit for me. I promise to go back to blogging about my haphazard life.

Labels: Death, Friends, Spirituality

I just had a weird flash-back. Here I am sufficiently drunk and doing homework at 3pm on a Saturday when I song comes up on Pandora. I was listening to the Regina Spektor station and what that has to do with amiee mann Im not sure but the song came on. Wise up is not a new song. It has been on various self-burned c.d.'s was on my first I-tunes library and still lives happily on my top-rated list. Perhaps it was the third glass of wine, perhaps it over-influence of religion but this song gave me one hell of a flash back today.



I remember being in my first apartment I would get the date to be fall 2001. I had the major depression thing going. I remember being alone in my first apartment with its little sunshiny bright walls blasting this song and crying while wearing a lemon-lime shaded GAP polo and looking in the mirror in my tiny bathroom that you couldn't outstretch your arms in. I hated my life at that time.

So as the oracle of 2008 here is what I would say to the me of 7 years ago.

• You will love other people
  
• You will love yourself
• You will currently have and still do have wonderful friends. Love and appreciate them for all they are worth, they are there for the long haul.
• You don't give your parents enough credit...and you wont change that anytime soon.
  
• You do not get your dream job but you are more successful than you anticipated.
• Go where the wind takes you....you have no idea where you are going and you aren't going to know anytime soon.
  

Labels: Lists, Spirituality, Wine