I'm sick of people dying. Life is getting me down. Rory's dad's death at 60 seems untimely young to me but I do have to say the news I received yesterday was particularly stunning. An old high school chum died of an unexpected heart attack at 26. 26?! We were never extremely close but we had drifted even more since I finished school. I think its even been a good year since I talked to him on IM. I do have to say Greg was good people. He was funny and full of heart. I have a weird separation from his death. I'm not waiting for his calls or miss his presence but quite frankly the whole thing freaks me out.

What if I went to bed tonight and never work up? What would I leave behind?

An unfinished mess. A sink full of dishes, dirty clothes on my floor and a credit card balance that would horrify my financially conservative parents. I've made no difference. I like to think I've made a difference in peoples lives by being entertaining or pushing unsolicited advice but it all seems so inconsequential. I guess I assume these things can wait. But should I really still be in coast mode? Shouldn't I be farther by now? Shouldn't I have a clean adult house with matching door knobs? I would have thought I would have been on the way to my own family by now?

I'm really hoping that life perks up a bit for me. I promise to go back to blogging about my haphazard life.

Labels: Death, Friends, Spirituality

I have not abandoned my blog I’ve just been busy and to prevent a 20-page entry I’m going to throw out some topics I hope to include in the future so stay tuned:

1-Book Reviews
2-Jessica Simpson Moment (hopefully to become a recurring feature)
3-The magic of the spacebag
4-Vacation in Mexico
5-Gradschool
6-I want a used baby

Today’s topic however is admittedly somber. Rory unexpectedly lost her father last week. Alice and I went to the visitation yesterday. As far as these types of things go it wasn’t bad. I got to see Rory’s mom and meet her new boyfriend whom is admittedly perfect. They really did a nice job of bringing in old pictures and having typed up stories all around the room.

You would think I would be better at these things. Far too many of my close friend’s fathers have died. They have all been rather sudden and I find it horrifying that one day hopefully later than sooner I will one day get that phone call. I have never had anyone close to me die. My grandmother passed away. I was of course sad but really I only saw her every couple years. So when I’m put in these situations I quite frankly can’t even BEGIN to understand. Also I’m a nervous smile-er and laugh-er which I don’t think is received well by people in mourning. I’m glad Alice is about as good at this type of thing as I am at least we weren’t alone while sitting there not knowing what to say.

Oh pooh. Smiley just called and wants me to go to a party tonight. I much rather sit in front of my TV and catch up with my DVR.

Labels: Alice, Death, Rory

Picture Stolen From Efikim Gallery.

No this is not a movie review. In fact I haven't even seen the movie "the bucket list" but in my daydreams avoiding the work I brought home tonight I have decided to make my own version.

Now I haven't pre-prepared this so I may have to revise items later. Then again I tend to over analyze so maybe spur of the moment is good for me.

Things to do before I kick the bucket

1- Take two months to tour the following countries: Italy, Great Britain, France, Ireland, Spain, Germany, Poland, Finland, Sweden, Norway, Denmark and Iceland. 3 weeks: Japan & China, 3 weeks: Australia & New Zealand. I would stay in low budget hotels and take the train...visit museums and eat at local cafes I think I can do it for $50,000.

2- Clean out my entire house and sell anything that I do not love (get rid of that chair I don't like anymore) or need (have not touched in the past month). Any exceptions or keepsakes must be able to fit in a cedar chest, donate or throw away what did sell. Move into a new house that's small, paint every room a different color and actually decorate it to be mine!

3- Compile all my blogs and my journals into a physical book. Have it bound and printed. Put it in a safety deposit box.

4- Write a letter to everyone that has made a difference in my life. To thank them for everything they have done for me. I have passed up so many opportunities to thank people that have helped me in life. Find as many addresses as I can, and send the letters.

5- Shop at co-op, don't make or eat anything made by someone else for 1 full month. (Only visit the produce, dairy and meat sections). If its in a box, bottle or in a restaurant its off limits.

6- Be a mentor or parent to a child. Foster, adopt, have my own whatev.

7- Fix into a size 12...without sucking in after eating a large meal (i.e. a comfortable size 12)

8- Do something amazing for my parents.

9- Give $1,000 dollars anonymously to someone who needs it

10- Read up on at least 10 religions, write what I like and don't like from each one. When I'm done write my final draft of my own beliefs.

Labels: Babies, church, Death, Dreams, Family, Food, Friends, Thoughts, To Do Lists, Weight

No I don't have anything interesting to say so don't get too excited. I bought a new teeth whiting kit. I occasionally do this, it usually happens after sitting in a meeting for an excessively long amount of time and staring at peoples teeth. I got a kit from Rembrandt, you put the little molds in hot water and they actually shape to fit your teeth so that's cool. Also white teeth will be a major bonus to the who not smoking thing.

Speaking of not smoking it has been pretty easy to keep with it since the most contact I get with smokers is passing them in the street. The real test happened this weekend. Rory came and visited. Shes an old school smoker, even gave me my first puff of a cigarette at a house party. She has cute back since then but there still were the smoke breaks, but I held firm. I must admit even though it smelled bad, and I know its awful for me the temptation was there. Sigh its pathetic though. I know if I have just one Ill be right back to where I started. So yeah be proud of me.

On the job front I'm getting more and more excited about my new job. I have my official transfer date of April 16th. I have heard nothing but good things about the area and about my new supervisor. She has been very nice and seems excited to have me. The only lingering issue I have is the dying people thing. The team serves the intensive care patients....intensive care patients usually means things aren't going there way. Of course many people get better but odds say I'm going to have to deal with knowing and probably seeing someone die at some point. I'm such a cry baby. But supposedly empathy is a gift so maybe I can give it away.

Labels: Death, Health, Rory

Almost four years since I knew the truth about my ex I had it validated today. I got my closure. Ed has been iming me. Usually it was just once a month or so checking in but lately it’s been every time I’m online. I’m not exactly comfortable with this arrangement but I don’t say anything. Today he tells me that he’s been talking with his therapist a lot about people he’s hurt and making amends.

So he makes amends for when we broke up and he said he would hurt himself even though I said that would hurt me. FUCKER! That’s what he has to make amends for? I am not standing for that. On my list of grievances that didn’t even make the top 20 actually I had pretty much forgotten about that.

I was going to try to paraphrase but that’s just too hard here is the conversation minus the real names of course.

Me: i guess of all the things that i would expect you to make amends of that isnt the one i would pick

Him: Well

Him: I have apolgized for the porn thing, and the going to Florida thing

Him: that doesnt mean they are all ok now

Him: I just needed to say it

Me: you have never truely appoligized for the "porn" thing

Him: Maybe not

Me: youve never truely admited it

Me: at least not to me

Me: maybe not to yourself

Him: Ava

Him: I'm sorry that I had a sickness, that I allowed it to continue without getting help, and I am sorry that you were subjected to it

Me: first of all noone ever has "had" a sickness

Me: second of all you never validated or admited to what i saw

Him: You saw it, it was true....I lied to you that day because I was ashamed

Me: the nature of it?

Him: Yes

Him: the nature of it

Him: I'm sorry, I really just meant to say hi tonight

Him: I didnt mean to drop this all on you

Me: No this was good, Ive wanted to hear that for a long time

Me: but now you have to let me go

Him: Do you mean, not talk anymore

Me: yes

Me: ed you were bad when you were with me

Me: IM part of that old life

Me start your new one and let me start mine

Him: Ava

It’s and odd thing tonight. I’m a mess and this is the best I can describe it. Say you are eight and your old childhood dog is sick. And you dad says oh fido is going to live on a farm now so you say goodbye and your sad and you kinda know that fido is dead. Then three years later your mom tells you that they just had fido put down he wasn’t on some magic farm to cure him. Yes you have gotten over your beloved dog and yes you kinda knew what happened. But knowing the truth to be just as bad as you imagined it makes it real.

Labels: Breakups, Death, Ed, Internet Conversations