I did something dumb today. Well I put my couch on my previously paid off credit card (ie not used to paying the bill and therefore I don't have it set to pay automatically which meant I actually had to do something) Anyways I think to myself...

Self I say its funny I haven't gotten a bill yet. Then self says well maybe you did after all you do have that pile of mail sitting in your kitchen waiting to be sorted. There it was. Due 4days ago. I set it up and paid it online but it wont go through until its 6days late ensuring I'm sure a hefty fee.

Sigh. I suck. Oh well I paid $450 (my minimum is $20) so I'm just going to ignore that little late fee of my bill last month since I'm sure I paid enough to take care of it...that is assuming I even bother to open the bill next month.

In other happier news my dear friend Tiff is engaged. So a special congratulations to her. This guy has seemed like her perfect match from the get-go and I'm thrilled to see her so happy. Hey I'm getting better at this happy-for-people aren't I? Now I have a year to secure a wedding date that is willing to fly to South Carolina for the wedding.

Speaking of dates (my transitions are so smooth I should be on the pickup artist) I talked to JSP today and we had a very pleasant conversation and I am the proud owner of plans for a second date. Of course due to my amanda palmer/family/extravaganza vacation the timing is difficult. I'm going to see if I can flex my time at work and get out a wee bit early so we can get together on Friday night before I leave. I think its good to have the second date within a week of the first...keeps the ball rolling as it were. Hopefully this mount saint helen cold sore of mine will be gone by then.

Labels: Crushes, Embarassing Stories, Internet Conversations, Tiff

Sceen: Alice is on the phone providing a 45minute monologue while trying to get her computer back into working order. She tells me how she selected a fish for her IM icon. I am her while still talking to her on the phone.

Ava: Swim little fishy swim!

Alice: You make me feel bad thoughts

Ava: You make me cut myself

Alice: You make my mom drink

Labels: Alice, Internet Conversations

Eve: My little sis is getting married?

Normal person response: Oh that's wonderful, who's the guy? Have they set a date...you must be so EXCITED!!!!

Ava: Oh man....that sucks. I'm sorry.

Eve: Yeah the dresses are burnt orange because its her fiances favorite color.

Ava: Gag. Sorry my cup which used to runeth over with joy for others is now just filled to the brim with cigarette butts.

Eve: I don't have a boyfriend...I don't even have a date.

Ava: Do what I do present yourself as being simply to busy having fun living the single life to be tied down to a blood sucking mate. I'm hoping that lie can sustain me until I'm 30.

Labels: Bitching, Depressed, Internet Conversations

Message Recieved on MySpace:

hi ava, your pics are really beautiful.
i am a 35 m in the twin cities, i am married but looking for a long term affair, thats why my profile is soo empty. i know that sounds bad, but i miss the passion and excitement i should be feeling and its a turn on i guess. i am looking for a girl to have fun with, spoil and pamper, be close to, be my best friend, fall in love with, and of course i love sex and especially kissing.
i can email a pic if you are interested.
hope to hear from you soon, i would rather be there loving and spoiling you than with the wifey :)
david

My Response:
If I wanted an STD I would perfer the excitment of intravenous drug use to sleeping with you. Good luck in all your extramarital affairs.

Labels: Boys, Internet Conversations, Internet Dating

So there was this guy who winked at me (the only one) so seeing my pickings were slim I decided to see where it went.

Ava: Hi how are you? I'm new to this whole match thing so forgive me for a lame introductory email. I was checking out your profile I went to WSU as well, good times :)

J: Hopefully you day will be a good one. I assume you have the WSU alumni book to search my bio. I loved going to Winona State. Yes good times. Take care and behave.

Ava: Did you have a good weekend? I went to a bachelorette party, hung out with some friends, did some crafting and tv watching all and all good times.

J: Weekend was slow, but that's O.K. This one will be monster. It's Gladiolas Days in St. Charles. Combination of street dances,parades, and I'm bartending on Saturday. My brother is the organizer, so we'll help him if/when he needs it. Hopefully you survived your weekend. Take Care and Behave.

Ava: Oh I'm having a grand ol time. I'm going to a wedding this weekend and I just found out their registry is pretty much sold out so I think I'm going to have to get creative. I have no clue what to get. Right now I'm just hanging out with the pups and watching some TV to unwind after work.

J: Well, Have fun at the Wedding and please behave yourself. Take care...

Ava: Are you that worried about me misbehaving?

J: Don't know. I could trust you. Have a great weekend.

Yeah I pretty much rather watch paint dry than talk to this person. Of course it's nice he can trust me to live my own life which I've been doing quite some time now without his emails constantly reminding me to behave myself. Should I send him and email saying I don't think we are a good fit or should I just never respond again? Oh and I know its not his fault but his name is awful. (Think Tiff's first roommate in college before the big shuffle)

Well I need to go get ready for aforementioned wedding where I should behave myself.

Labels: Internet Conversations, Internet Dating

Red: are u going on vacation
Me: yeah
Red: where to
Med: mexico...cabo
Red: by yourself?
Me: 5-day cruise
Me: nope me and someone esle
Red: who
Me: me and dana
Red: wow
Me: we are going to the zoo and spend a couple days in sandiego too
Red: thats gonna cost a pretty penny
Me: not to bad for hotel air and cruise it was 897
Red: does dana have a good job?
Me: not bad, pharmacy tech
Red: u paying for the both of u?
Me: hell no, thats what tax refunds are for

This is where I want to strangle him. I think he was under the impression I was swimming in money. I will tell you this $897 dollar vacation is the ABSOLUTE biggest vacation I have ever been on that does not include parents or thier supportive financing. And why would I pay for someone else to go? If I was married and our financaes were combinded then I maybe would contribute more but I am by no means a sugar momma.

Red: oh when did you decide about this vacation
Me: we just booked a couple weeks ago i had to make sure it was all okay with my new job
Red: that could've been us

HA!

Me: mmm I dunno
Red: why not

Oh God...redirect, redirect

Me: but thats all in the past you seem to have a new girlfriend to entertain you
Red: ehh i dont know yet
Me: i saw your picture the caption was so gushy i almost puked
Red: shes very immature
Red: i only put that on to piss off cassie which was stupid
Me: talk about maturity
Red: she stays here all the time
Me: at your place
Red: yeah
Me: does she have bad roomates?
Red: huh? no
Red: i let her move in
Red: i was tired of being alone
Ava: huh? Are you kidding me
Red: no
Me: how long have you been together?
Red: i was desperate for company and needed to get cassie off my brain which hasnt worked one bit
Red: about a month and a half
Me: your completely useing this girl and kinda lying to her or at least misrepresenting how you feel or your intentions or something
Red: i have been honest with her 100%
Red: and shes' sticking with me
Me: youve said im still in love with my ex I want you to move in because im lonely?
Red: pretty much
Me: there is so much wrong with that I dont even know where to begin

Labels: Internet Conversations, Red

Blah blah blah insert annoying small talk in here

Ava: im just a jealous person in general
Red: oh
Ava: usually i ignore it though
Red: i cant ignore jealousy
Ava: you a pretty impuslive person in general
Red: i am?
Red: yeah i guess i am
Red: it's just me
Red: u doing anything eventful tonight
Ava: nope
Red: lol
Red: i wanna watch u play
Red: god that was hot
Ava: when did you watch me?
Red: when we were in the middle of a break during sex, dont u remember
Ava: oh yeah i remember
Ava: well if we get together again it would be like that
Red: really?
Red: i just need to be able to afford to come out to you
Ava: im not comfortable being sexual with you

I cant belive Im having to say this again....ewww icky icky icky

Red: what? really
Ava: well you know we arent together anymore
Red: no kidding
Ava: well i dont want to mess around
Red: ok i was just being flirty
Red: I was just curious
Ava: i mean what do you want from me?
Red: a life
Red: a real relationship
Red: i mean a REAL relationship
Red: like living together and everything
Ava: do you really think we can live together?
Red: i dont know
Red: it's hard to say
Red: brb phone

I went invisible after that. Seriously when is he going to get the point. I think Ive told him at least 4 times that we are not a couple. We will never ever ever be having sex again...and no I have no need for you to come live in my house rent free and be a mooch.

Labels: Breakups, Internet Conversations, Stupid People

Red: i just wanted to say hi, and i miss u...sorry i havent been easy to reach lately, i kinda just needed to focus on me i guess.

Ava: yeah i guess

Red: somethings happened that i cant talk about yet, but i will eventually

Red: i'm sorry

Ava: well you could have told me you were dissapearing

Red: i didnt tell anyone

Ava: that doesnt make it ok with me

Red: everyone has been trying to reach me and i just dont have anything to say

Red: u hate me?

Ava: no but I am by no means happy with you

Red: i dont blame u

Ava: what you did was inconsiderate, selfish and disrespectful

Ava: i would not treat you that way and I certainly do not expect to be treated that way

Red: i know hun, u didnt deserve it, i'm just messed up i guess

Ava: Well I want to take a step back you have to much going on I rather be friends...I can support you better that way

Red: seriously?

Ava: when and if you get things together we can talk about more

Red: wow

Ava: completly ignoring me for a week is not a relationship

Red: ok, if thats what u want

( At this point I re-added him to my list)

Red: u deleted me?

Ava: yes

Red: when

Ava: yesterday, i figuredi tried to contact you about 5 times and you didnt want to talk to me so you were done, i wasnt going to keep putting myself out there to be rejected

Red: well i'm sorry

Ava: I want to know what went on that could make you behave so poorly

The conversation continued into a story that is basically none of your buisness. The moral it was tempting to change my mind. Red needs me. His life isnt great right now, hes down, he needs someone to cuddle him and take care of him. I know I feed on that. I love to feel indispensible. But that is not a relationship. That is parent child. I made that mistake before Im not going to make it again. So single I stay. I can be a friend to Red but thats all. Too bad the sex was good.

Labels: Breakups, Internet Conversations, Red

If you live in a brick house and throw a stone and it doesnt make your roof fall in dont give me stome to throw at my glass celling.

The following conversation took place while discussing my downess post-red breakup

Ava: I dunno its not bugging me that much but whenver something like this happens I get all paranoid Im going to die alone. It lasts for a few days...

Well Intentioned Friend: Really? I dont think you will have that problem. You are thinking into it too much

Ava: Yeah I never throught it would be either until I was in my situation

Well intentioned Friend: And your situation is a good job, a house, nice car and friends.

Yeah okay hes nice and making me feel better. Which actually would be effective if it were from Alice or Cobie. He is the problem well intentioned friend is very much not single. In fact as long as Ive known him (about 7yrs) I have never known him to be single. In fact just the opposite women are always falling all over him.

So in my opinion Mr.Well intentioned needs to shut his trap and let me mope.

On the upside I had a super conversation with the 'rents. They are happy I dont sounds as crazy stressed as I have the last couple weeks. I told them I was thinking about joining eharmony...okay yeah i know i joined like 3mos ago. I basically said it seemed desperate. They were extremely supportive. Encouraging. I think they fear for their future grandchildren.

Labels: Internet Conversations, Internet Dating

This guy has been bugging me forever. Actually upon reflection I did have dinner with him at one point a long long time ago before he turned into a total ass. So Ava why don’t you just ignore him? Well as a duty to my 2 loyal readers I just cant pass up this kind of content.

BUZZ!!!

Ava: hi annoying internet friend

Tiger: cum over so i wont anoy u anymore

Ava:: ahh yes i would want nothing more to come over and fuck your brains out but I have to wash my hair

Tiger: nice

Tiger: wat if i cum over and run my tongue in u

Ava: you wouldnt want to do that my vagina bites

Ava: it has teeth, fangs even

Tiger: ill just bite it back

Ava: oh that would just make it mad then the tentacles would come out and strangle you

Tiger: mmm

Tiger: sounds fun

Ava: well then it starts spitting and it doesnt spit fun things

Ava: think rancid cottage cheese

Note to self: Biting strangling vaginas don’t deter icky men. But a good old fashion yeast infection would do the job.

Labels: Internet Conversations, Stupid People

So ever since the fuzz and I started communicating outside eharmony we have this ongoing joke about each of us being the crazy stalkers that dr.warren warned us about. I thought Id let you in on the joke.

Me: I ended up going to lacrosse on Thursday night nothing going on in Rochester and you weren’t home so I couldn’t spy on you from you bushes (a good thing too my back is starting to get sore from all the ninja-like crouching).

Fuzz: As for the ninja skills, nice work. I had no idea. I do have a chair on my front porch if you would be more comfortable sitting there. You can see most of my apartment through that window. In fact, knock on the window and I'll bring you a beer.

Me: Yeah I have studied the karate kid very closely so I’m not surprised you didn’t notice me. And I couldn’t sit on your porch that would blow my cover. Since you were away though I built a small tree house to spy on you from above and I had a mini-fridge and microwave installed. Don’t mind the extension chord coming out your back door.

Labels: Fuzz, Internet Conversations, Internet Dating

BUZZ!!!

I hate it when people buzz this guy isn’t even on my list why the hell is he buzzing me that’s so rude…oh well Im bored.

Me: hi

Tiger: who is that pic

Me: me

I had recently posted a new pic for my IM window. Its from a party at my friends house I was drunk and in my pjs no makeup no hair done. My eyes are closed and it’s a close up of me laughing. Its not get the guy pic but it is cute in its own way.

Tiger: thats a bad pic of u

Wtf?

Me: why thank you

Me i was going to send it off the a modeling agency but now i know better

Tiger: u need 2 let me takje some picsd of u

Me: why?

Tiger: cuz yur good looking but u need someone 2 take pics of u, with my new camera

Oh yeah tell me look bad in my pic then take me under your trained camera eye to make me beautiful once again

Me: i dont think thats a very likely to occur

Tiger: y

Me: i dont really have photoshoot sessions in general let alone with a stranger

Or with people who can not be bothered to type out entire words

Tiger: u know wat

Tiger: just 4get yur a mean jerk

Tiger: been tryin 2 talk 2 u for too long top take this from u

“Tiger” is not even on my messenger list and quite frankly I don’t ever remember talking to him before although from the looks of this conversation I can see why I didn’t waste my precious long term memory space on him.

Tiger: yur a jerk

Me: gosh too bad im so ugly all i have is my jerky personality to fall back on

Tiger: u wouldnt know if a guy was being nice 2 u if he fell from the sky

Tiger: i been tryin 2 b nice and all u do is fight me off

Tiger: so fuck it i giv up

Oh dear he is so right. How could I let this gem of a guy go? What is wrong with me? Maybe next time someone insults me and calls me a jerk there is no way I’ll let him slip through my fingers. Life is full of valuable lessons thank goodness there are people like tiger to help me learn them albeit the hard way. Now I must go cry myself to sleep.

Labels: Internet Conversations, Stupid People

Almost four years since I knew the truth about my ex I had it validated today. I got my closure. Ed has been iming me. Usually it was just once a month or so checking in but lately it’s been every time I’m online. I’m not exactly comfortable with this arrangement but I don’t say anything. Today he tells me that he’s been talking with his therapist a lot about people he’s hurt and making amends.

So he makes amends for when we broke up and he said he would hurt himself even though I said that would hurt me. FUCKER! That’s what he has to make amends for? I am not standing for that. On my list of grievances that didn’t even make the top 20 actually I had pretty much forgotten about that.

I was going to try to paraphrase but that’s just too hard here is the conversation minus the real names of course.

Me: i guess of all the things that i would expect you to make amends of that isnt the one i would pick

Him: Well

Him: I have apolgized for the porn thing, and the going to Florida thing

Him: that doesnt mean they are all ok now

Him: I just needed to say it

Me: you have never truely appoligized for the "porn" thing

Him: Maybe not

Me: youve never truely admited it

Me: at least not to me

Me: maybe not to yourself

Him: Ava

Him: I'm sorry that I had a sickness, that I allowed it to continue without getting help, and I am sorry that you were subjected to it

Me: first of all noone ever has "had" a sickness

Me: second of all you never validated or admited to what i saw

Him: You saw it, it was true....I lied to you that day because I was ashamed

Me: the nature of it?

Him: Yes

Him: the nature of it

Him: I'm sorry, I really just meant to say hi tonight

Him: I didnt mean to drop this all on you

Me: No this was good, Ive wanted to hear that for a long time

Me: but now you have to let me go

Him: Do you mean, not talk anymore

Me: yes

Me: ed you were bad when you were with me

Me: IM part of that old life

Me start your new one and let me start mine

Him: Ava

It’s and odd thing tonight. I’m a mess and this is the best I can describe it. Say you are eight and your old childhood dog is sick. And you dad says oh fido is going to live on a farm now so you say goodbye and your sad and you kinda know that fido is dead. Then three years later your mom tells you that they just had fido put down he wasn’t on some magic farm to cure him. Yes you have gotten over your beloved dog and yes you kinda knew what happened. But knowing the truth to be just as bad as you imagined it makes it real.

Labels: Breakups, Death, Ed, Internet Conversations