Red: are u going on vacation
Me: yeah
Red: where to
Med: mexico...cabo
Red: by yourself?
Me: 5-day cruise
Me: nope me and someone esle
Red: who
Me: me and dana
Red: wow
Me: we are going to the zoo and spend a couple days in sandiego too
Red: thats gonna cost a pretty penny
Me: not to bad for hotel air and cruise it was 897
Red: does dana have a good job?
Me: not bad, pharmacy tech
Red: u paying for the both of u?
Me: hell no, thats what tax refunds are for

This is where I want to strangle him. I think he was under the impression I was swimming in money. I will tell you this $897 dollar vacation is the ABSOLUTE biggest vacation I have ever been on that does not include parents or thier supportive financing. And why would I pay for someone else to go? If I was married and our financaes were combinded then I maybe would contribute more but I am by no means a sugar momma.

Red: oh when did you decide about this vacation
Me: we just booked a couple weeks ago i had to make sure it was all okay with my new job
Red: that could've been us

HA!

Me: mmm I dunno
Red: why not

Oh God...redirect, redirect

Me: but thats all in the past you seem to have a new girlfriend to entertain you
Red: ehh i dont know yet
Me: i saw your picture the caption was so gushy i almost puked
Red: shes very immature
Red: i only put that on to piss off cassie which was stupid
Me: talk about maturity
Red: she stays here all the time
Me: at your place
Red: yeah
Me: does she have bad roomates?
Red: huh? no
Red: i let her move in
Red: i was tired of being alone
Ava: huh? Are you kidding me
Red: no
Me: how long have you been together?
Red: i was desperate for company and needed to get cassie off my brain which hasnt worked one bit
Red: about a month and a half
Me: your completely useing this girl and kinda lying to her or at least misrepresenting how you feel or your intentions or something
Red: i have been honest with her 100%
Red: and shes' sticking with me
Me: youve said im still in love with my ex I want you to move in because im lonely?
Red: pretty much
Me: there is so much wrong with that I dont even know where to begin

Labels: Internet Conversations, Red

In an attempt to be a better person I am going to give credit where credit is due. So in concordance with my moral "rightness" I admit I steal...nah borrow pictures for my blog. To cleanse my guilty conscience I have decided that references are in ordered. If you think I'm going to start taking my own photography you obviously are misguided enough to think I have talent or time. That being said...I "borrowed" this pic from Egg on Stilts' Flicker site.

Now onto the bitching....

Its a crappy Monday. The current time is 8:27am I do not have to be at work until about noon. I am awake.

I slept over at Smiley's house last night. We had a bit of a tifflet. Well not really more of an emotionally charged misunderstanding to where I acted ridiculously like I tend to do. And all my baggage which I thought was lost at the airport was very annoyingly returned to me causing me to act completely insane around a person whom does not deserve it. Bah. Anyways it all ended up okay but I didn't sleep well at ALL because once I get all stirred up its hard for me to settle down again. The alarm went off at 5:50 and after a good morning snuggle I dropped Smiley off at work and went back home take in a few hours of napping before doing anything. Well I was of course awake so I took out the trash let the dogs out. Cleaned up a mess where one of them got in the closet, dragged out my dirty laundry and chewed on my key access card which was attached to one of my pants. Fortunately the card is only minorly chewed and I think it will still work without issue.

I settle into bed with the dogs where I can not find my remote so I end up watching the today show for an hour while studying some hematology. Then I checked my myspace and facebook. Where the fuzz left me a message. Gag.

"Hey! I have been off the internet for a while, I see you met a fella! Very cool! I've been doin good. glad to hear things are goin well for you too! Awesome! See ya later!"

Met a fella eh not exactly...things going well...umm I guess school sucks and is draining me of any joy in my life so not really. Awesome? Definitely not. I ask you what after months of no contact possessed the yak-o to message me? I don't want to talk to him. In fact I'm pissed I know hes a cop so I live in total fear of having to see him again the next time I inevitably get pulled over for speeding.

Oh also I got a text from Red yesterday saying "Hi hun" Really? Look buddy you lost the right to call me hun about 2months ago. Why are you still texting me? And since he is still a friend on myspace I read his survey where he appears to be all smitten with this girl Cassie. For goodness sakes go bother her! P.S. I didn't not text back. And I intended to delete him from my myspace but forgot by the time i read my other bulletins.

Oh I also talked to YMCA last night. Basically told him that it wasnt going to work out. With the cop out that I'm too busy. Smiley being a friend first knows all about YMCA and was not keen on me meeting/dating him. I wouldnt be crazy about Smiley dating anyone either so after a week long fizzle of only returning his calls when I knew he would not be home I dropped the bomb. He was a little off kilter it was sorta out of the blue but he kept his game face on and we still maintained a light conversation for about 15minutes after that prior to hanging up.

Anyways after all that i snuggled under the covers and turned out the lights for a snooze. Unfortunately I just laid there feeling sorry for myself and wishing for an aneurysm (no luck yet). I was about to drift into sleep when BOOM...BOOM....BOOM from down stairs followed by a very Mannheim steamroller-esc version of the little drummer boy played at 80 decibels. I cant say for certain but I think my roommate may have placed the speaker directly into the vent.

To be fair she probably had no clue I was home. I am usually at work at this time and I didn't mention working the pm shift this week. STILL! She then opened an slammed every cabinet in the kitchen and left the house without turning off the music. I just figured she was doing something in her car but no after about another 10minutes of torturous Christmas spirit post the sliding door closing and locking I checked the garage and she was gone. I waddled my way downstairs where on my way to the blaring Christmas music I also turned off 3 lights. (No wonder my electric bill is so flippin high).

I am now not even going to attempt to sleep because I will probably drift off at 9:55 only to be awoke by my alarm at 10. Christ. I should do something fun tonight after my final. I need to de-stress.

Labels: Fuzz, Glass Half Empty, Red, Roommates, Smiley, YMCA

So im minding my own buisness helping a friend write a letter to her no good ex and we end up doing a little myspace viewing. There at the top of the lists is a bulletin posted from Red. Yeah I know i should have deleted him...thats not the point. Well the bulletin said he had a new blog about about some chick (not me) he did have a small snipit on his myspace one...

"ok, all you guys were right, i was a moron to ever think that this chick was normal. Man, was i off...i cant even begin to tell you how stupid i feel or how used. One day she wants to kill me, the next as sweet as pie..omg she was so sweet to me all day, we kept talking and getting along so well and then i drive my ass to her place pick her up and she's as cold as ice...all the way to my place...she says practically nothing. She gets to my house and wont even let me touch her, which is normal for us to do. But no she is just standoffish and stubborn..whatever amber. And then, her fatass bf calls her at my place and she answers, she talks to him in my house when she knows how i feel about it. How fucking disrespectful is that? Not only that but after i finally lose it and start yelling at her, she laughs in my face and throws the mistakes i ever made at me...FUCK YOU AMBER. Well i've come to the decision, shes now officially gone out of my life for good. I've deleted all our pics, everything. It's all gone. I want nothing to do with this bi-polar chick, i keep finding the crazy ones...i must be doing something wrong here."

Yeah so Im pissed right? Okay I was and I did spend a good hour trying to find his blog on youtube. Didnt find it. I did call him...twice. The second time leaving a very cival message saying I saw your bullien Im not call to yell I just want to know the truth. Then I did something that even surprized me. I left a message on his myspace blog. I basically wished him luck, said you will find the right girl someday and I hoped his heart would heal.

The thing is if Im right and im not sure I am but there was a girl who stayed with him while we were still together....who left her significant other. He complained about her said awful things about her....I knew something was up. He cheated. His drama earlier? Im sure its lies...to cover up whatever he was doing.

Will I ever hear from Red again? I doubt it. Do I care...well not really. You know I can sit here in my pretty suburban house not saving the white trash cheeting boyfriends of the world and feel pretty damn peachy about it.

It is not my job to save people who have no respect for me and no interest in saving themselves. So Red good luck to you. For Ed it took me 5yrs to get him out of my life. You were done in the month. So the next Red or Ed that comes around. Im hoping he doesnt get a second date.

Labels: Bitching, Breakups, Ed, Moral Outrage, Red, Stupid People

Red: i just wanted to say hi, and i miss u...sorry i havent been easy to reach lately, i kinda just needed to focus on me i guess.

Ava: yeah i guess

Red: somethings happened that i cant talk about yet, but i will eventually

Red: i'm sorry

Ava: well you could have told me you were dissapearing

Red: i didnt tell anyone

Ava: that doesnt make it ok with me

Red: everyone has been trying to reach me and i just dont have anything to say

Red: u hate me?

Ava: no but I am by no means happy with you

Red: i dont blame u

Ava: what you did was inconsiderate, selfish and disrespectful

Ava: i would not treat you that way and I certainly do not expect to be treated that way

Red: i know hun, u didnt deserve it, i'm just messed up i guess

Ava: Well I want to take a step back you have to much going on I rather be friends...I can support you better that way

Red: seriously?

Ava: when and if you get things together we can talk about more

Red: wow

Ava: completly ignoring me for a week is not a relationship

Red: ok, if thats what u want

( At this point I re-added him to my list)

Red: u deleted me?

Ava: yes

Red: when

Ava: yesterday, i figuredi tried to contact you about 5 times and you didnt want to talk to me so you were done, i wasnt going to keep putting myself out there to be rejected

Red: well i'm sorry

Ava: I want to know what went on that could make you behave so poorly

The conversation continued into a story that is basically none of your buisness. The moral it was tempting to change my mind. Red needs me. His life isnt great right now, hes down, he needs someone to cuddle him and take care of him. I know I feed on that. I love to feel indispensible. But that is not a relationship. That is parent child. I made that mistake before Im not going to make it again. So single I stay. I can be a friend to Red but thats all. Too bad the sex was good.

Labels: Breakups, Internet Conversations, Red

Sigh why is it that boys have this magical way of making you feel like crap even if you are the one to end the relationship.

Here is the problem I put up with too much shit. At the beginning of the relationship Red used to text me about a bizzilion times a day to the point where it would drive me crazy. Then he calmed down to a nice normal level. The past two weeks hes been sketchy. Hes always busy, has to much stuff going on etc. I talked to him during my break at work because I was having a bad day he said he would call that night....did he...no. Basically after me texting and call him he texted me back on thursday saying he was up north and had bad reception, that was the last I heard from him.

Friday morning I woke up at half passed pissed and called him left him a message. I really wish I could have a recording of what I said. Basically I said I dont think you have time for this relationship and if you arent willing to make it a priority you cant expect me too. So call me back, and if you cant call me back today dont even bother. I guess he didnt bother.

I suppose I expected him to call me back with some lame excuse. I guess I expected him to be sorry for being distracted. What I got instead is proof that basically I am nothing to him. Bummer.

Am I some kind of weird freak that I care about most people I meet. Yeah Red and I probably werent a match made in heaven. It probably wouldnt have worked out (well obviously) but how can people be so callous? I really hate this. I feel used up and tossed out with the trash.

The real pisser about this whole situation is I didnt want to get involved with anyone in the first place. I had a busy semester at school, busy at work and quite frankly didnt want to have to deal with a guy. Red pushed his way in. Convinced me forwards backwards and sideways to date him then all of a sudden looses interest? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Now Im back to my sorry state of why doesnt anyone love me...which is pathetic. Lots of people love me. My parents love me, my dogs love me, Alice and Cobie love me.

I really hate dating. Im way to sensitive to deal with rejection (hell I cant even deal with rejection when Im the one rejecting) Of course lets be honest here I was the one dumped. Guys have a way of behaving as poorly as possible so they dont have to do the dumping. So instead of my focusing on my misfortune lets look at all the reasons Red wouldnt have worked out.


The Top 10 Reasons to break up
1-He had a very loud very orange car that he thought was "pimp" it had neon lights too...oh and it was a saturn.
2-He eluded to the fact that he beat a guy up for coming onto him once...yeah not cool.
3-I was suspicious he did a lot of lying to me, and I caught him in more than one white lie.
4-He was always ALWAYS broke.
5-I dont think he cared about oral hygiene as much as I do
6-He was not particularly funny
7-He was a phone/computer addict
8-He said the word technology weird
9-He wouldnt let Rosa sleep in the bedroom because she snores
10-He said on more than one occasion "Why are you with me" (I hate that)

Labels: Breakups, Lists, Red

Labels: Belmont, Red

So I was doing some facebook stalking and came across the fuzz. Who is no longer listed as single. Why? Why? Its like he just dissapeared I hate that. I am over it but you know if your not interested in me thats fine just say so. Even if its just one date. Have the freaking balls to send an email saying hey you seem nice but I ust dont feel it. Fine a nice clean end. Then I will delete you off my list so I will never have think about how you are out with someone better than me. And how I will never be good enough to be someone's girlfriend unless there is something tragically wrong with them and they cant get anyone else. So I am comforting myself by sitting on the couch staring at my belly fat and feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday night Red visited. It was okay. I dont remember his teething been so....not so great. Its nothing a good pair of dentures cant fix. We went to a movie and hung out and cuddled a bit. Im starting to feel trapped. I like him I do but I know this is a man I wont marry so I shouldnt lead him on. He's allready getting ubber attached. Its not that Im cold hearted I like to talk to him, I like having someone to call when I get home and share my thoughts with. But this guy has a bit to much drama in his life. His family situation is way messy. His finances horrible, his love of his overpriced ugly orange saturn complete with neon trim around the dashboard not ment to be. He sometimes reminds me of that wanna-be tough guy in highschool.

Life is so much easier when I dont date. There is no one to make me feel bad there is no one to look forward to and be dissapointed about. Is it time to give up? It just doesnt seem fair. There are people that cant seemed to be tolerated by anyone that are married and have nice little families. How do people accept being alone? I feel like I'm on the path to acceptance and thats scaring the hell out of me. I refuse to buy cats.

Labels: Breakups, Depressed, Fuzz, Internet Dating, Red

Well I had fun on Friday on my date with Red. He was very flattering which I enjoy. I think he was trying to kiss me. I met him in Lacrosse at the movies. He’s pretty cute. red hair, freckles, really nice nose. Okay so he has bad tattoos but that’s about it all I have to complain about. He’s the same height as me good build…sexy :P He’s funny a bit of a bad boy but I really like him. Yes he still has a trailer. What happened to my gold digging ways I guess I’m just a sucker for a guy that sees me as a princess.

Also for my normal reject criteria of country boy he is surprisingly artistic and loves anything having to do with culture. I wouldn’t have to drag this guy to the opera. He’s really into photography and likes my critiques. I’m a little bit in like at this point.

So yeah the fuzz may have forgotten about me but I think red has pretty much blown him out of the water. I can honestly say I’m shocked.

Labels: Internet Dating, Red

Well I haven’t heard from Fuzz in over a week now so I’m pretty much assuming things have faded out. Eh he was fun but maybe I’m getting used to this dating thing because I don’t really care.

Anyways so there is this new guy. He lives in a trailer…yes I’m serious. He lives about 3hrs away in this little tiny Wisconsin town. He’s funny sometimes and relatively good looking but I can’t say I really see it working out. However after a long week of badgering I have agreed to meet him in Lacrosse tomorrow for dinner and movie.

He wanted to come to my house and spend the night which I told him was frankly unacceptable. I don’t know am I just being petty. Its really the laborer status and trailer that are bothering me here (well and the distance) but if things were to work out I would be in that money “power” position again. I’ve been there before I didn’t like it.

Oh well the worst I can loose is a tank of gas and an evening. Should I wear a skirt?

Labels: Fuzz, Internet Dating, Red