I'm sick of studying. So I'm going to do something out of character for me I'm giving up. I have been so stressed lately I'm worried about my grandfather whose mind is going, and is dying of cancer. The medicine they are giving him is slowing things down but its just a matter of time. My little grandmother is being dragged to specialist after specialist and is scheduled for surgery next week to remove her cancer, they seem unsure of what will happen after that. Its just alot.

Then today after a week of anguish and constant studying I took yet another practice test, with no improvement of my score. I'm frustrated, I'm tired and I'm going crazy. Something has to give. So I sat in front of the computer stressed and disappointed thinking, why am I doing this to myself?

The answer is to move back to Chicago, for hopeful job growth, in case I will need it if I don't get grandfathered in during regulatory policy changes (which is unlikely). These aren't very good reasons considering the toll it is taking on me. My brain has shut down I'm quite simply too frustrated to learn.

I will still take my test this Saturday but I'm done preparing for it. I am going in expecting to fail and that is OK. I will enjoy my summer, I will clean my house, I will visit my family and spend time with my boyfriend. I will have a life again. When the snow begins to fall next winter I will open a book again and try at my own pace and if I don't want to do it then that's okay too.

If I do ever decide to try boards again it will be different, less pressure, longer time of studying doing it casually, doing it on my terms. Then if the day ever comes that I decide hey I know this stuff I'm ready...that is when I will apply for a retake. But for now I'm sick of putting my life on hold and I'm going to stop waiting...stop waiting for school to be over, stop waiting for the perfect job to open up in Illinois, stop waiting for the economy to turn around so I can sell my house. Nope its time to just be. And if that means I'm in Minnesota forever its okay. My parents will eventually move here and I will have a family again. I will hopefully have a family of my own one day and not having to move to accommodate one would be nice. This is my house I will decorate it not for resale but for me. I live here I should enjoy it.

I went to church where I was greeted so warmly, it was so nice to leave the house, so nice to remember there are people in my own backyard that are thinking about me and care about me. I went out to dinner. I talked to my parents who were tossing around ideas of where to move out here, and gave me blessings on my decision.

It was a good day. I'm happy. I'm calm. I'm OK.

Now I'm going to push my books under my coffee table turn on the TV and start a blanket for my soon to be cousin. And maybe book a fancy hotel for JSP and I to go to Minneapolis next weekend.

Labels: Bitching, Chicago, Depressed, Family, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, JSP, School, Thoughts

Oprah says each day you should find things to be grateful for. I like doing this just about as much as I like watching Oprah but whenever I have a truly crappy day (like today was) I in my own sarcastic way think of how things could have gone worse which eventually leads me to see the thinks that did go right. So today for one day only you get a day pass into Ava's coping with life mechanism.

• I could of had to make 50 phone calls at work opposed to the 30 or so I made.
• I could of had to work a double because no one would come in but instead I only had to stay an hour late.
• The dogs could have shit three times in my kitchen instead of two.
• I could of had to put air in all of my tires rather than the 3 flat ones that I came out of work to find.
• I could have gotten multiple huge zits on my nose at T-3days until date day...but I only got the one. (My nose is currently covered in a thick white layer of Origins out of trouble emergency mask)
• I could have been found bawling at work and hiding under my desk. Instead I skipped lunch and bought a chocolate ice cream treat which I proceeded to smudge all over my scrub top so it looked like I rolled around in poo.
• I did fill up my gas tank for 25 dollars (1.82/gallon!) and I had less than 1/4 tank to start with.
• My nails look nice...I bought a new french manicure kit and I didn't chip even one today and i didn't bite them all down to bloody nubs during my stressful day.
• My netflix movies came in the mail today.
• I'm really looking forward to reading my book before bedtime.
• I got home early enough to have a conversation with jsp.
• Belmont and Rosa are looking extra cute and not bothering me.

Labels: Depressed, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts

Do you ever have one of those days where out of nowhere you totally loose you shit? Maybe its just me. Today started harmlessly enough. A drive back to Rochester, some dvr degrassi, chat with cobie.

Then the phone call from the parents and boom homesick. I've been trying to avoid the truth that all this economy bullshit is going to affect me and my master plan of getting the hell out of Rochester by spring 2010.

You know what I don't believe the stock market and housing market is going to bounce back in a few months and that makes me stuck here. Sorry Obama I know your great and all and I will vote for you, however I do not think you are magic. Yeah...I'm stuck. Trapped....Smothered and alone in Rochester freaking Minnesota.

So there I was bitching to my parents and after the switch to talking to my dad the blubbering started. I waannnaaa coooommmmmeee hoommme! Alice is moving and I'm going to be totally and utterly alone. My grandpa is dying....and I haven't even seen him since august. I'm a horrible granddaughter a horrible daughter, Ill never sell my house Ill be here forever with people that hunt and despise public transportation, they don't even have opera here...anyways I went on but you get the point.

This is pretty pathetic from a 27yr old whom has lived 300+ miles away for the last 9years of her life. You would think I'd be over it....but I'm not.

The Schaumburg house was mentioned...where I continue my blubbering of how i cant afford a 200K house that needs major overhauling (like new electric, and well interior everything). The fact I kinda always knew was confirmed I wouldn't have to pay for the house.

I guess this has been discussed with my grandmother and parents waaay more than I anticipated. Their plan is grandma would move in to them which would make it easier for them to take care of her. Grandma would keep the house (mostly for tax reasons to my benefit) I would pay "rent" which would basically cover the taxes and when the time came I would inherit it and do with it what I wanted.

I guess my grandma isn't crazy about releasing the house to developers that are just going to rip it down to build some schaumburgian mini-mansion and much rather it stay at least more or less physically there.

So its kinda a win-win-win

Its a good deal I admit. And considering the fact that at best I will only be able to rent my house out...and even if I did sell it with the decline in value there is no way I would have 20% left to put down on a car, let alone a new home. Being in Schaumburg is 1000X times better than here. Its only a 40minute train ride to the city where I can spend my weekends shacking up with Alice and Cobie.

But Ava what about your perfect condo in the city, drinks after work at the corner bar and walking your dogs with their coach collars and leash sets to the conveniently located dogpark where you would inevitably meet the man of your dreams and fall madly in love? (one hell of a run-on) I'm willing to let that go...quite easily in fact. You know what I like to do after work? sit and watch TV. This hardly requires and expensive condo in the city. You know what else I like having a fenced in yard for the dogs so I don't have to walk them. Its a luxury I've become quite accustomed to.

And I'm not getting any younger a weekend in Chicago already makes me feel like I'm 100 and quite frankly I don't fit in with the taxi-taking botox stiletto down-towners. I'm much better with the nordstrom rack suv suburbanites. Hey at least I would be within a 10minute drive to IKEA. There is also that whole kid thing. Much cheaper to ship them off to good suburban schools than pay for pricey private ones so they don't get shot.

Another Schaumburg bonus. No daily parental inquisitions. They are convinced my bubble headed ways will end with a phone call saying they have found my body in multilated and left in a dumpser, raped and being eaten by rats.

Here is the thing though..guilt. Yes my parents have been very generous with me but I have never been one of those kids. I hear about parents putting down payments on houses for their kids or worse yet buying them outright and I roll my eyes and think what a looser. Can't they just grow up and stand on their own two feet? I Miss Ava Mazur am Oh SO much better than them.

I'm headed down old maid spinster ally and my home and job and relative financial "success" is the only leg I have to stand on. So I have my pride. But I'm just not happy here. I know I'm truly not happy here because I love my new job. I love the people, I love being out in the hospital, I love that I'm actually getting to work on projects. But the moment I leave work I realize that's all I have which is really quite depressing.

Maybe its time I swallow that pride, it doesn't seem hardly worth hanging on to.

Labels: Alice, Chicago, Cobie, Depressed, Family, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work

Eve: My little sis is getting married?

Normal person response: Oh that's wonderful, who's the guy? Have they set a date...you must be so EXCITED!!!!

Ava: Oh man....that sucks. I'm sorry.

Eve: Yeah the dresses are burnt orange because its her fiances favorite color.

Ava: Gag. Sorry my cup which used to runeth over with joy for others is now just filled to the brim with cigarette butts.

Eve: I don't have a boyfriend...I don't even have a date.

Ava: Do what I do present yourself as being simply to busy having fun living the single life to be tied down to a blood sucking mate. I'm hoping that lie can sustain me until I'm 30.

Labels: Bitching, Depressed, Internet Conversations

Labels: Depressed

So I headed to Lacrosse for my super awesome birthday shenanigans. The festivities were to be held on Saturday July 19th, a day premature but logistically best for the observation of such an occasion. Much like Washington's birthday is observed on a Monday to give children and people with cushy jobs a three day vacation.

Just so you get the full effect I will start at 12am...I arrive downtown, Alice is drunk and convinces me and Rory to meet her at a bar. Normally I would not object but seeing as I had left in a hurry I was still wearing my lovely burgundy scrubs complete with sensible white crocks. I had half a beer and played cards while Alice flittered about.

After the bar we got to Alice's where she set us up with a movie and passed out. Alice is frugal which is endearing in most cases, however its less endearing when it comes to her "air conditioning" which consists of a fan that used to isolate. I keep my thermostat set at 70 and pay the bill almost gleefully in summertime. It is a luxury I have come to require. I'm convinced the heatstroke lead to my headache and resulting insomnia. The movie was over at 4am, I checked my facebook and myspace then settled for some quizzes on okcupid. After taking a quiz on lucid dreaming ability I ended up on wikipedia which entertained me until the sun rose at about 6:30am and I was finally ready for bed.

I slept until 1:30pm listened to NPR while reading my book and ate a tomato sandwich for lunch. At 5:30 we were finally dressed and went to buzzard billy's for blackened chicken salad and a side of french fries with the best ranch dressing ever.

We then went to G & S's house because they have air conditioning & cable and watched T.V. until 11:45. It was then that my dream of going out died swiftly with an impromptu trip to Mc Donalds. I should have been having a free birthday shot or ringing a bell at some college bar but instead I was ordering a no.2 no onions minutes before closing and not caring that the poor schmucks serving me were most likely annoyed that they had to clean the grill yet again before frolicking off to fun and frivolity. Even though that was me only 5years ago.

So am I upset that my birthday bash was well...totally lame? No, not really because I'm not the 5yrs ago me. I would feel stupid ringing a birthday bell (although truth be told I've never rang one). I don't want people singing to me at restaurants and I don't really even care that I can get a free entree if I bring 3 other diner's with me for my birthday meal.

Ava's birthday observed started when I turned 21 and was a good summer excuse to get together and do something a little outside the ordinary. Over the years it has made up all the trauma left from never getting to sit in the birthday chair at school or passing out cupcakes to my classmates. But maybe its time to move on.

Today I am 27. I have the feeling each birthday leading up to 30 is going to be hard for me. Not that I feel any younger than that age in fact if I got to pick my age non-chronologically I would probably choose early 30's but its a reminder...of how my life is off balance.

In some ways I feel ahead of the curve: family relationships, friends, job, financial stability, mental security all that sort of stuff is good.

Then the sad lame Ava pops up where I realize that relationship-wise I may as well be 15. Really no improvement, no hopefuls. And each time I log into some wretched networking site and see a photo of a friend's baby or or a couple hugging in front of a sunset on their honeymoon I can't help but thinking. Did I totally miss the bus?

I'm told these things all happen on different time tables. I'm told I'm smart, funny, caring, hell even beautiful once in awhile but these people are my friends. I can't help but blame myself...at least a little. I find myself saying if you just lost the weight, if you didn't cry at every animated movie, if you didn't flick off that guy that cut you off in traffic, if you didn't waste so much time dating the wrong people, if you weren't as successful, if you didn't like weird music or documentaries or talking about random articles on wikipedia, you would be that girl in front of the sunset.

But in truth most of these things I really don't want to change. Which makes me feel a bit destined for a life of being perpetually single. Am I too stubborn to change? Is there really room in my life for another person? Would I even give Mr. Right a chance? My honest answer is no. Even if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I would probably dismiss him and not even know he was there in the first place. This is what makes me sad.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Birthdays, Depressed, Dreams, Drinking, Food, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work

It's been about 3months since my last period. Most girls would be freaking out but this is quite normal for me....especially since I can't even remember the last time I was close enough to a penis to become impregnated...god the child would have been born by now.

Anyways I'm hoping today's funk is due to pms. The signs are there

• I cried at a commercial
• I watched a lifetime movie and cried again
• My tummy hurts
• I've sat on my couch a lot
• I've googled people I haven't spoken to in years

• Tuesday after work drive to parents house arrive at 9pm
• Wednesday drive 2hrs round trip to pick up grandma, have dinner with parents
• Thursday hang out with grandma, 3ish take 2hr train ride to Chicago....hang with Cobie
• Friday-Cobie
• Saturday-Get up early-drive 2hrs to 3yr old cousins bday party...where I have been threatened with lynching if I show up late. Spend of the rest of the day with extended family, return home with patents (2hr drive home)
• Sunday wake up leave around 12 for a good 6hr drive home with the dogs.

Labels: Birthdays, Bitching, Chicago, Cobie, Depressed, Friends

Its been a rough couple days. I got a job offer on the job I didn't want, and a rejection on the job I really wanted. I have effectively avoided homework, laundry and all cleaning activities relating to bathroom and floors for the last 7 days.

So its decision time: The offer is for an Assistant Supervisor position of the Vascular Access Team

What is the vascular access team you ask? Well I will tell you, they are the people that go around to intensive care units and put in iv needles and draw blood out of those tricky plastic things that hang out in there.

But Ava isn't it true you work in a high complexity laboratory you have no experience with patients and you drew blood for school and haven't touched a vein to a needle since? Umm yes.

Ava isn't it true you hate anything to do with drawing blood and you would be supervising people who not only draw blood but do it in challenging situation? Umm I guess

Okay so the job sounds ridiculous for me, but to give it a fair shot I had to weight the pros and con's.

Pro: Evening shift, I hate getting up early. Plus usually evening shifts are more laid back unless you are a cop or work for the ER. Also if I do loose my mind and go to grad school it would be a very good schedule.

Con: I don't know how to draw blood (well) this is mostly on purpose.

Pro: MONEY. I would get a 9.2% raise and then another raise in June for another 4.5% or more. That's a lot of money....way more than I would get with a quality II job.

Con: Lots of Intensive Care work...dying people. I don't like dying people, I'm a crier.

Pro: Parking and scrubs

So I took it. You know if I can handle my current position (without completly loosing my mind) I can get over this blood business.

Labels: Depressed, School, Science, Work

So I was doing some facebook stalking and came across the fuzz. Who is no longer listed as single. Why? Why? Its like he just dissapeared I hate that. I am over it but you know if your not interested in me thats fine just say so. Even if its just one date. Have the freaking balls to send an email saying hey you seem nice but I ust dont feel it. Fine a nice clean end. Then I will delete you off my list so I will never have think about how you are out with someone better than me. And how I will never be good enough to be someone's girlfriend unless there is something tragically wrong with them and they cant get anyone else. So I am comforting myself by sitting on the couch staring at my belly fat and feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday night Red visited. It was okay. I dont remember his teething been so....not so great. Its nothing a good pair of dentures cant fix. We went to a movie and hung out and cuddled a bit. Im starting to feel trapped. I like him I do but I know this is a man I wont marry so I shouldnt lead him on. He's allready getting ubber attached. Its not that Im cold hearted I like to talk to him, I like having someone to call when I get home and share my thoughts with. But this guy has a bit to much drama in his life. His family situation is way messy. His finances horrible, his love of his overpriced ugly orange saturn complete with neon trim around the dashboard not ment to be. He sometimes reminds me of that wanna-be tough guy in highschool.

Life is so much easier when I dont date. There is no one to make me feel bad there is no one to look forward to and be dissapointed about. Is it time to give up? It just doesnt seem fair. There are people that cant seemed to be tolerated by anyone that are married and have nice little families. How do people accept being alone? I feel like I'm on the path to acceptance and thats scaring the hell out of me. I refuse to buy cats.

Labels: Breakups, Depressed, Fuzz, Internet Dating, Red