Well I finally got my official ASCP results in the mail today.  I didn't really believe I passed but to my pleasure I got my little piece of paper that made everything official.  

Labels: Glass Half Full

Today was a good day. I'm virtually stress free. I worked a day today and spend my evening window shopping and feeling up a mac at best buy. I wasn't going to buy one...it wasn't my intention. Lets face it though I've wanted one for the past 3yrs and its time. My little dell barely has any keys left which is significantly affecting my typing speed. After once again seeing the beloved aluminum macbook, it was all I could do to contain myself and prevent an embarrassing public display of affection and love. A short car ride home and handing over virtual wads of cash to apple to give me a product to hold all my virtual stuff.

I've completely abandoned the vacation idea. I'm vacationing in wonderful Rochester, MN in a house (my house) that has been long neglected by too much studying. I measured all the shelving in my closet and browsed the ikea site to pick the perfect boxes for each room then calculated how many boxes would fit on each shelf (I even made diagrams of each closet on note cards) its an illness I know. I'm so excited for a week long of spring cleaning and hopefully once I haul all the crap out of my house I can actually enjoy the nice stuff I've purchased since having a real job. I can't wait to splurge on a label maker!

I imagine many a rendezvous trip to goodwill and the dump. Oh and I'm officially old because I'm pretty convinced I will be picking up price stickers and organizing things in boxes to put in the garage for a summer garage sale.

I talked to jsp, I made plans with Rory to have a double date for brunch on Sunday while I'm in the cities so we can meet each other's beaus. I talked with Alice who gave me a play by play of the tumultuous preparations of some Asian noodles that ended up horrible. Oh and I crocheted.

So my day may not have been glamorous, hipster-esc, or by any stretch of the imagination exciting, but to me it was the perfect day.

Labels: Alice, Glass Half Full, JSP, Rory, Shopping

I'm sick of studying. So I'm going to do something out of character for me I'm giving up. I have been so stressed lately I'm worried about my grandfather whose mind is going, and is dying of cancer. The medicine they are giving him is slowing things down but its just a matter of time. My little grandmother is being dragged to specialist after specialist and is scheduled for surgery next week to remove her cancer, they seem unsure of what will happen after that. Its just alot.

Then today after a week of anguish and constant studying I took yet another practice test, with no improvement of my score. I'm frustrated, I'm tired and I'm going crazy. Something has to give. So I sat in front of the computer stressed and disappointed thinking, why am I doing this to myself?

The answer is to move back to Chicago, for hopeful job growth, in case I will need it if I don't get grandfathered in during regulatory policy changes (which is unlikely). These aren't very good reasons considering the toll it is taking on me. My brain has shut down I'm quite simply too frustrated to learn.

I will still take my test this Saturday but I'm done preparing for it. I am going in expecting to fail and that is OK. I will enjoy my summer, I will clean my house, I will visit my family and spend time with my boyfriend. I will have a life again. When the snow begins to fall next winter I will open a book again and try at my own pace and if I don't want to do it then that's okay too.

If I do ever decide to try boards again it will be different, less pressure, longer time of studying doing it casually, doing it on my terms. Then if the day ever comes that I decide hey I know this stuff I'm ready...that is when I will apply for a retake. But for now I'm sick of putting my life on hold and I'm going to stop waiting...stop waiting for school to be over, stop waiting for the perfect job to open up in Illinois, stop waiting for the economy to turn around so I can sell my house. Nope its time to just be. And if that means I'm in Minnesota forever its okay. My parents will eventually move here and I will have a family again. I will hopefully have a family of my own one day and not having to move to accommodate one would be nice. This is my house I will decorate it not for resale but for me. I live here I should enjoy it.

I went to church where I was greeted so warmly, it was so nice to leave the house, so nice to remember there are people in my own backyard that are thinking about me and care about me. I went out to dinner. I talked to my parents who were tossing around ideas of where to move out here, and gave me blessings on my decision.

It was a good day. I'm happy. I'm calm. I'm OK.

Now I'm going to push my books under my coffee table turn on the TV and start a blanket for my soon to be cousin. And maybe book a fancy hotel for JSP and I to go to Minneapolis next weekend.

Labels: Bitching, Chicago, Depressed, Family, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, JSP, School, Thoughts

With myspace and now facebook there is a new courting ritual that happens in any dating relationship...the changing of facebook status from single to either "its complicated" or "in a relationship."

I am not a fan of the "its complicated" status. In my opinion this status indicated one of the following:

• I'm randomly screwing some person
  
• I've had one date with someone and I'm taking myself off the market because I'm clingy and require announcing the the world that I have achieved of leaving my house on a saturday night.
• I am hopelessly in love with someone and they are using me but I don't want to admit that he/she is using me so I'm going to pretend we are on our way to a relationship
• My relationship is on the rocks but I'm holding on to it tooth and nail
• I don't want to date anyone from facebook to I'm using this status to scare undesirables away (the only proper use of "its complicated"

The real problem with its complicated is this is a transition status. If it goes to in a relationship no big deal but if it goes back to single the inquires tell nothing more that a pathetic admittance of stupidity. I will not use it.

That being said I'm reaching the point with JSP where I'm feeling guilty about my "single" status. We have assumed dates with one another we flawlessly trade paying for tabs without having awkward staring at the check and we assume that saturday's are spent together and no more than a day lapse in weekly communication. So things are good. But last nights date sealed the deal for status change.

We went to Menard's to get a drill bit for putting a hole in my TV cabinet. We browsed after getting what we came there for where he was happily giddy to find they were starting to set up the spring landscaping section. He goes on to gush about how he helped his dad with the yard when he was a kid and likes putting up little potted gardens on his two decks and porch.

"Well, you are welcomed to landscape my yard anytime you want." I say sarcastically convinced its last thing anyone would ever want to do.

"Oh could I?!?" He gushes then talks about installing soaker hoses in flower beds and removing bushes and transfering plants...I mean really he was excited.

Ladies I hit the jackpot.

We then went to coldstone and got ice cream for dinner and set out to bring the cable box upstairs drill the hole in my beloved cabinet. Now anyone that has attempted to do anything complicated with me knows I can be well....a bitch. I get frustrated and crabby and tend to be snappy blaming the other person in the room for whatever isn't going right.

Jsp measured the cabinet marked the spot for the perfect hole drilled the spot helped to feed the chords through and even knew to stay quiet while I futzed with cables to get everything hooked up and working right. It was a giant success.

After movies cuddling and bellies full of ice cream we were tired. After a bit of careful conversation and feeling out the situation he decided to stay the night were we cuddled into bed. Boy is not known for his forwardness, and although a visit from my less than favorite auntie flow prevented us from "watching a movie" we did get to see some excellent previews...wink wink.

So yes the date was good. He's not perfect. He likes football, he sings along with songs (ugh some being country) and I fear he thinks hes good but these flaws are more than overshadowed by his quirky sense of humor and ability to start cheesy break dancing at a moments notice. Life is good, time to take the flying leap from single to in a relationship.

Labels: Boys, Crushes, Glass Half Full, Internet Dating, Thoughts

New years is my favorite holiday. I always have new toys to play with and with the family get togethers over I am in a good mood in my own house. Since being 21 I can't remember a bad new years...its a friend holiday where I surrounded by the people who are closest to me. The people who will hold my hair if I puke without a lecture and with whom I will point out shady allyway corners perfect for pit stops. Yep its all very glamorous.

For many year's we would ring in the new year in Green Bay which is as far as I'm concerned the liquor capital of the world, but when Heff and Hairnet moved to Nebraska Alice and I were left to improvise our fun.

Two years ago Alice, Rory and I went to lacrosse. Alice spent a couple hours talking cops throwing some guy out in the street she knew into detox....she then drove him home (he didn't live in town) The I think Rory lost her walet. I probably wore bad shoes because I do belive I was alone for a long time. We went home before bar close.

Then last year we attended Cobie's bash at his apartment. We cooked, we drank, I met new people. I talked with them until 5am about utopian health care. I think we drove everyone else crazy.

Although my last two new years were good they lacked that reckless quality which I think is a must-have once a year. No one threw up in a car, no one picked a fight (ahem Alice), no one went missing for hours only to be found trashed at the bar next door. Okay none of that happened last night either but still it was closer.

Alice, George, Bag and I set out for B&K's house. I always forget where they live. It really isn't that complicated I usually get to within a couple blocks of it. There is really no excuse I've probably been to their house 20 times. Sigh. I give up my wandering and call them. No answer. So I call K&E, after being informed to look for a van with ribs written across the side...(true story) I leave the car and begin wandering the street looking in windows.

Upon out arrival we were welcomed with pomegranate martinis, dice and whiskey shots, vodka + fresca (the ORIGINAL citrus beverage), plum wine and mountains of food. The was talking in a cold smoky garage. Shocking stories, work stories, gossip, laughter, snorting and several trips to the bathroom. We played rock band, we snowboarded, counted down the last second of 08'...it was good.

I started the new year right...I woke up with a stomach ache, headache, coal-miner's lung and generally smelly. Just how it should be.

Next year....back to green bay.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Cobie, Drinking, Food, Friends, Glass Half Full, Rory, Thoughts, Wine, Work

This Saturday I was soaking in the tub and opening up my January issue of Glamour. When I came across this article: When Should You Sleep With Him? I linked it for your viewing pleasure. Seeing as I may be in the market to do some sleeping I read the article in its entirety. Sorry to burst your bubble but it wasn't very helpful, it basically just said not to soon. Maybe its my analytical side but that's just a little vague for me. If we exclude the first boyfriend all other partners have been admittedly too soon. I would hardly consider myself skanky at least in comparison to my group of friends I'm on the chaste side of average.

I have slept with people for all sorts of stupid girl reasons. Wanting to feel attractive, keep him interested, just plain because I wanted some action. All these are just rather crappy reasons mostly because it all seems harmless beforehand but I must face the facts. I am just not a casual sex kinda gal. Regardless of the status of the relationship after sleeping with someone I feel they should somehow worship the ground I walk upon, even if I still don't particularly care for them. Of course that never really happens so it inevitably doesn't work out.

I was talking with Alice the other night about aformentioned article when I realized what was different about JSP. I don't feel rushed. We are taking the time to get to know each other...to enjoy the courtship period. I think he's going to be around for awhile a distinct difference from any relationship I've ever had. So I feel like I have all the time in the world to get to that next step, and I want to have fun at each one. Sure being 27 while dating a guy for a month with the pinnacle of the sexual relationship being one little closed mouth kiss may not be the norm but I really really like it. It's fun, its suspenseful and it makes me excited. I haven't had so much anticipation since I was 16 and its something I never really expected to get again.

Lets back track for just a second. I forgot to tell you about date #3. It was my first trip to Albert Lea to visit him. Being a Sunday in small town Minnesota while it was slightly snowing there wasn't much going on. So we had a quiet date of lunch out followed by a tour of his town including the house he grew up in and the parking lot that used to be his high school. Although a little on the cheesy side I totally love that kinda of crap. Then we went back to his place, held hands on the couch while watching the house wives of orange county and played sequence. It was nice we relaxed and enjoyed each others company.

Date #4 is my turn and I think I may be going a bit over the top but that's kinda my style. I figured I'd give him a tour of Rochester. But being that its a boring town and I don't have very much history here to point out to make it tolerable I had to add a bit of pizazz. Well that's when I got in my email an advertisement for plane rides over Rochester where you actually get to fly the plane and you can go pretty much wherever, and the best part was is they must be slow before Christmas because they were offering it for about half price! BONUS! After that we will go to a late lunch and if its not super cold we will go to peace plaza for the winter bizarre for coco and random Christmas crap, if its blustery a movie. Then I'm thinking wine and cheese for a light dinner followed by Saturday night live and hopefully making out during commercial breaks.

As for the chastity belt I think I'm going to keep it for awhile, besides it too freaking cold to bother with shaving my legs.

Labels: Advice, Alice, Boys, Friends, Glass Half Full, Internet Dating, Thoughts

I have found the one and only reason to live in nowhere minnesota...It hardly seems worth it.

(Picture taken Saturday 11-8-08)

Labels: Glass Half Full, Shopping, Thoughts

Before I even graduated high school I entered a doctor's office who told me I wouldn't have children...well that's not exactly true they said if I wanted them sooner-rather than later was the method to go with (at 27, sooner has passed and my doctor stamped date is years expired). Now at the age of 17 the news although shocking never really bothered me until my mid-twenties, the baby making years where my friends facebook pictures abruptly turned from drinking photos to cloudy blob ultra sounds and pictures of juniors first smile. I want one.

Okay I don't want one today, but the progress of others has me thinking about my own mini-me and my own life situation. I really fell in love with the idea of adoption. It has that altruistic quality and having a child with my gene pool has become quite unimportant to me. Especially if I never find a husband adoption is definitely my baby-making method of choice. But I still had a romance with the child of my own idea has never quite gone away when I think of ever getting married. Granted I have no prospects at this point but I would like to think at one point I'll find someone well suited to me. And that half-me-half him mutant baby with daddy's nose and mommy's eyes not to mention the kid is required to get my kick-ass personality...is something I admit still saddens me a bit.

I went for my regular checkup at my doctor a few months ago, 6mos before the appointment I stopped taking all my medications that were supposed to "fix" my hormone issues. Frankly in my opinion they weren't doing shit so why bother paying for them. She checked my levels and everything...EVERYTHING was normal. Humm weird (for me). But I really hadn't give it much thought.

Then today I was sitting at my desk...I was crabby, I had found three (albeit tiny) zits on my face and my stomach hurt allot...wait cramps. Rosa parks had rode her bus into town yet again. I circle the little date on my checkbook calendar as I was taught in jr. high although I still don't understand the point of it. And I noticed something strange. 28days, cycle before 29 days, and the one before it 28days. 3 in a row. I've never even had one 28 day cycle before before. Normal its all normal.

Have I been magically been cured? Is the thought of a mini-Ava no longer an impossibility? It's something I gave up a decade ago...maybe I was too hasty.

Labels: Babies, Glass Half Full, Health

There are not many remember moments that I've had in my short life. Sure I have personal ones but I'm talking shared history. I wasn't around to remember when I heard JFK was shot but I do remember September 11th.

I was living in my first apartment, A old Victorian split into efficiencies. It was my third year of college and I was sleeping in a twin size bed adorned with a white comforter with purple flowers. Cobie called me that morning and told me the news. In my sleepy state I thought it was a mix up with overworked air traffic controllers. I didn't know a world of terrorism and after hanging up with Cobie I turned on the news to see the second tower crash live stream before my eyes. I remember disbelief I remember the 19'inch Sanyo television with the curved front screen that made me realize America wasn't as loved by the world as I had been told in my youth. It not a happy memory but its a day where my life changed. And a moment I remember uniting me with all the others that crowed around the big screen in Crisco Commons. A day where classes were canceled and we weren't happy about it.

Last night in an unexpected way I got that feeling, but in a happy way...a way of hope for the future. I wanted Obama to win. I voted for him, but I was surprised in the way at about 10pm they announced it and I smiled, after McCain's concession speech and as Obama graced the stage I felt it. I felt the hope, he had a glow a confidence. I trust this man, I believe in him. I am proud to live in a country who's number one isn't some old white guy. I believe this is a turning moment in history. Most of all for the first time in my adult life I believe.

Where I was when Obama was elected: I was sitting on my new leather couch in my living room in my first house. I watched CNN on my 13 inch RCA television. I was talking to Alice and a JSP (Joe Six-Pack) on yahoo messenger. I saw Jesse Jackson being pissed, Oprah with tears in her eyes and a people crammed into Grant park shouting YES WE CAN!

Labels: Glass Half Full, Politics, Thoughts

Last nights post was admittedly a disaster. Note to self drunk blogging is worse than drunk txting because you don't have a character limit. I've heard people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...although I've never been a fan of washing windows so I tend to be a bit careless with my stone throwing. (okay I'm putting a stop to the cliches)

So in the spirit of communication, and disgusting venerability lets do this thing. Cobie is my oldest dearest friend. I know he didn't overbook on purpose. I was angry and hurt mostly because I interpreted his misbooking as a fact that he wasn't as excited to see me as I was to spend some time with him. (Which looking back now I'm not sure I don't even belive that....I tend to be a blonde when it comes to dates too) And hell if I had to choose between Manhattan and a concert I'm not crazy about I'd fuckin' choose New York anyways. And to totally switch gears on you, I'm disappointed that he feels he has to walk on eggshells for me and that's made me realize I don't spend enough time just relaxing and having fun with him.

My friendship with Cobie is different. I can't explain why but I trust him, he is special to me and more than anyone when he has joys and sorrows I feel it. I don't spend enough time telling him how much I value him as a person, I don't spend enough time empathizing with him. However I do spend far to much time letting him see my bad side, my vunerable side, my unedited side. (shocking I know but I do edit). I'm a user. Cobie doesn't get to see the good side, the happy side, the ways I change because I trust him enough to see the mess underneath. He must have a very shady view of me which is completely my fault. He is patient, he helps. When I went through the Ed disaster he told me what no one else would. I see the changes in him though. I see him happy, I see him smart, I see him excited about his career and school, I see him living the life he wants. Which requires a certain amount of bravery. I'm not jealous of cobie though (said notoriously jealous Ava) with cobie I'm just plain proud. And for me to make that switch in emotions its gotta count for something.

To Cobie:
You are special. You are what I imagine a sibling to be. I am thankful I have you in my life. You are eternally my friend, and you are so not getting rid of me that easily. Forget Gwen its time you got to know Gwendolyn. I'm willing to stomp my stinking pride, I owe you. I love you. I'm sorry. Take your time. I'll wait. Your worth it.

P.S. 15yr old Ava took a hike, I'm back to my old self and booking a hotel room so I can go to my concert. Sure I may be going alone but I prepare to be drunk enough to fake being gregarious.

P.P.S: Signing the letter Ava didn't sit well with me. Sometimes if your going to go vulnerable you mine as well go all out.

Labels: Breakups, Cobie, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, Thoughts