So it was bound to happen. JSP has begun to drive me nuts...no there isn't anything wrong with him but there isn't anything right with him either. He likes sports, listens to country, and is well frankly just not my kind of funny. He's a nice guy I will give him that but it was pretty clear that this just wasn't going anywhere.

How do I do it? Email was out, the phone just seemed tacky, making him drive an hour to come to my house seemed kinda bad too but those were the plans for the weekend anyway. So he came over we hung out for a bit...he was supposed to plan the weekend it was his turn. Every time it is his turn the plan the weekend he doesn't have a plan...annoying.

So I look up movie times and we go to see a matinee. We saw slumdog millionaire and it was very good. The energy between us was bad. I didn't want him touching my knee, I didn't want to talk to him, I didn't want to hear his lame jokes, are see him cracking his jaw in my peripheral vision. I don't know why but anything he said or did drove me nuts absolutely nuts. I just felt uncomfortable.

After the movie we were back on the couch I basically blurted out, "Things just don't seem right between us." I went on to say that I've felt this way for awhile and I just think that by this point feelings should be deepening and they just aren't for me.

Then the tears come (no not me). Great he's crying. I'm sitting there feeling like a big ol' meanie so I go on to explain that he's a really nice guy there just isn't that passion and everything is too calm, did I mention your a nice guy? Blah blah blah...more word vomit.

So then something odd happens he essentially starts breaking up with me. Tells me how I'm a great girl, blah blah blah basically repeats everything I said. Said he wants a friendship, still wants to talk to me, all that stuff.

I offer him a tissue and then he starts to apologize for his tears. And goes into this story about how he never used to cry until like 5years ago and went into this long story about his struggle with depression....

Sigh so I'm feeling bad and I say he can stay for dinner. So we eat he stays for like 3 hours full of awkwardness and then finally leaves. It sucks I could tell he was sad but he wasn't I love you I'm going to miss you sad, it was more, why doesn't anyone love me I'm going to be alone forever sad.

I made the right decision. Now I just wish I had something to do tonight.

Labels: Boys, Breakups, Glass Half Empty, JSP

One of my many guilty pleasures is cyber stalking. I do not expect my addiction to go over into real stalking as I am far to lazy, don't care enough and well gas prices and my gas guzzling American made SUV will not allow it. One of my favorite cyber stalking activities is my ex's sister blog, I always found it entertaining and be not being one to break bad habits I would check in on it occasionally to see what was going on in this used-to-not-be-a-stranger's life.

Several months ago I swore off the blog completely (like for real this time) because I was referenced as a soul sucking harpy, which actually kinda makes me giggle a bit. Anyways last night while attempting to relax before my big test today I breezed through all my normal blogs and was left with that one (Ed's-sister blog) I never visit left over in my favorites. Then one I hadn't noticed before all the way at the bottom Ed's old blog.

Angel: You should just delete that
Devil: Click it! Click it!
Angel: No good can come of this...either he is doing great which will just make you jealous or hes doing horribly which will make you feel guilty.
Devil: If hes doing good your still doing better....if hes doing horribly well thank god you dumped the basta-
Angel: I can't believe you are being so mean don't you have a soul?...just leave it be.
Devil: Oh come on its been about 3yrs since you've heard anything...aren't you just the least bit curious?
Angel: Dammit I can't keep up this act anymore....I'm dying over here open the damn thing

CLICK

Disappointment. The blog was dead a couple posts about nothing, but then there was a link for a new blog. I thought it over for all of about 0.003 seconds before opening the new window.

Its a blog about country music....Really? I read a few posts lots of swearing as he makes fun of the songs and well not entertaining to me but its not exactly my demographic.

Other notable things about the blog:

1. I don't remember Ed liking country music
2. His picture doesn't really look like him-Perhaps its an old picture of a country singer and the joke is just totally lost on me.

Labels: Blogging, Boys, Breakups, Ed, Embarassing Stories

I have a meeting at 9am tomorrow...its 2:07am and I'm wide awake. I think there should be an outlaw on Monday meetings before noon I just can't be trusted to be dressed and awake on Monday's before noon.

To cure my insomnia I decided to open up my boards study guide book, after breaking out into a sweet and a mild panic attack I ditched that idea for catching up on my favorite blogs. This has unfortunately inspired me to write my own for the evening. Her blog was 3 embarrassing ex stories, come on who can pass that up.

Little Willy
I met little willy in college. We would IM and flirt. A couple days before moving out my sophomore year we had our one and only date. In my packed up dorm room we watched a horrible movie that was obviously catered to college boys due to the content of drinking and bare breasts. We made out for a bit before he decided to head south of the border. This is when he uttered the phrase..."You like it like that...don't you?" in a raspy trying to be sexy voice but it still came off as a timid question. It started with a giggle but I couldn't stop, before I knew it I was in a full on laugh complete with gasping for air. He did not appreciate the humor in the situation and left in a huff. No loss there. Well years...like 6 or 7 years later I was occasionally chatting with him again from idle boredom. So we decided to get together for a bit of extra curricular activity. He was a big guy about 6'7 with a large build into the evening it became apparent that his growth spurts had hit everything except his genitals. Poor guy little willy was at best 3" and I'm being pretty freaking generous. Well I didn't know how to gracefully get out of the situation especially since I was at my house I couldn't just leave....so things progress and I'm pretty much laying there like a dead fish while he attempts to work his magic. After about 3minutes of that he goes,
Little willy: this isn't really working for you is it
Me: No, not really
Little willy: I'm going to go...
Me: Ok
He dressed and slunk off again in a similar fashion to our attempted college tryst...poor guy I expect to be sued for his therapist bills any day now.

Mr.Marathon
Mr.Marathon and I had a bit of a summer romance. He was a sports guy. He would get up early to run I would sleep in and pick the chocolate out of his granola bars...it was clear the relationship wasn't going anywhere but we stayed together since school was out for summer and we had alot of free time on our hands...oh and the sex was good. One night we at his apartment doing what we always did at his apartment (wink wink) and in mid-pump he stops and let out a high pitched half-whimper half-cry. He proceeds to pant heavily. This is odd I think to myself usually he has more stamina....dammit I'm not done yet....after being frozen for much longer than expected and given the odd nature of the noise that had excaped him I questioned...
Me: Ummm are you ok...?
Mr.M: ugghhh ahh eeee mmmyyy baaack...tears streaming down his face
He extracts himself and crawls over next to me not able to straighten and lay down he flops on his side unable to straighten at the waist....you know what he didn't get up early to run that morning.

The Texter
Okay kids I saved the best for last and this is by its own right my own embarrassing story. I don't quite remember how I met the texter but I know it was Internet related. He had recently broken up with his long term girlfriend and I was only a couple months off of my big breakup with Ed so we were a perfect pathetic match for pretending we were okay by prematurely sleeping with one another. The texter was the only younger guy I ever dated and we bridged that weird gap where he was still in college and I was in real life land. We had nothing in common and he had a bad nose. I wasn't really into the F-buddy thing but it served as a way to pass the time. The texter lived about 1.5hrs away and me being the girl that I am refused to bother visiting him. One night when I was at home minding my own business he calls and begs BEGS me to come over. I eventually concede and I head over. Lalala one thing leads to another. Afterwards he doesn't really say anything gets up and goes to take a shower. Odd I think, but whatever. Some time passes, the shower stops and I hear a beep on my phone it was...a text message from him...
The texter: I feel really weird...you should just go.
Umm wtf? I knock on the bathroom door....
Me: Seriously....a text message?
The texter: Blah blah blah this isn't right...blah blah blah
Me: Fuck you!
I gather my crap momentarily contemplate throwing his tv across the room to smash his computer (I did not) and instead left unceremoniously. After getting in my car I promptly called Alice because I wasn't exactly sure how to get back to the highway. Although I do have to give the texter some credit it did end my career in casual sex land...well except for Walmart guy but we all fall off the wagon now and again.

Labels: Alice, Bitching, Blogging, Boys, Breakups, Embarassing Stories, Internet Dating, Stupid People, Thoughts

Last nights post was admittedly a disaster. Note to self drunk blogging is worse than drunk txting because you don't have a character limit. I've heard people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...although I've never been a fan of washing windows so I tend to be a bit careless with my stone throwing. (okay I'm putting a stop to the cliches)

So in the spirit of communication, and disgusting venerability lets do this thing. Cobie is my oldest dearest friend. I know he didn't overbook on purpose. I was angry and hurt mostly because I interpreted his misbooking as a fact that he wasn't as excited to see me as I was to spend some time with him. (Which looking back now I'm not sure I don't even belive that....I tend to be a blonde when it comes to dates too) And hell if I had to choose between Manhattan and a concert I'm not crazy about I'd fuckin' choose New York anyways. And to totally switch gears on you, I'm disappointed that he feels he has to walk on eggshells for me and that's made me realize I don't spend enough time just relaxing and having fun with him.

My friendship with Cobie is different. I can't explain why but I trust him, he is special to me and more than anyone when he has joys and sorrows I feel it. I don't spend enough time telling him how much I value him as a person, I don't spend enough time empathizing with him. However I do spend far to much time letting him see my bad side, my vunerable side, my unedited side. (shocking I know but I do edit). I'm a user. Cobie doesn't get to see the good side, the happy side, the ways I change because I trust him enough to see the mess underneath. He must have a very shady view of me which is completely my fault. He is patient, he helps. When I went through the Ed disaster he told me what no one else would. I see the changes in him though. I see him happy, I see him smart, I see him excited about his career and school, I see him living the life he wants. Which requires a certain amount of bravery. I'm not jealous of cobie though (said notoriously jealous Ava) with cobie I'm just plain proud. And for me to make that switch in emotions its gotta count for something.

To Cobie:
You are special. You are what I imagine a sibling to be. I am thankful I have you in my life. You are eternally my friend, and you are so not getting rid of me that easily. Forget Gwen its time you got to know Gwendolyn. I'm willing to stomp my stinking pride, I owe you. I love you. I'm sorry. Take your time. I'll wait. Your worth it.

P.S. 15yr old Ava took a hike, I'm back to my old self and booking a hotel room so I can go to my concert. Sure I may be going alone but I prepare to be drunk enough to fake being gregarious.

P.P.S: Signing the letter Ava didn't sit well with me. Sometimes if your going to go vulnerable you mine as well go all out.

Labels: Breakups, Cobie, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, Thoughts

1. Don't talk about your previous relationship together. That ship has sailed folks, I'm not going to break up with you 30times and I don't want to hear how I'm being unreasonable.


2. Never ask if I am seeing someone


3. Don't tell me your new girlfriend/fiance' whatever is pregnant...and even if you don't tell me I would appreciate you dropping off the face of the earth so you don't tell mutual friends who will in turn tell me.


4. Don't ask me "Do you have my...." No I don't. If I did I would tell you about it. Also if I do have it pick it up yourself. Don't accuse me of steeling you belongings.


5. Never ask, "Did you ever care at all?" "Do you miss me?" or "Can't we try again?

Labels: Breakups, Moral Outrage

Blah blah blah insert annoying small talk in here

Ava: im just a jealous person in general
Red: oh
Ava: usually i ignore it though
Red: i cant ignore jealousy
Ava: you a pretty impuslive person in general
Red: i am?
Red: yeah i guess i am
Red: it's just me
Red: u doing anything eventful tonight
Ava: nope
Red: lol
Red: i wanna watch u play
Red: god that was hot
Ava: when did you watch me?
Red: when we were in the middle of a break during sex, dont u remember
Ava: oh yeah i remember
Ava: well if we get together again it would be like that
Red: really?
Red: i just need to be able to afford to come out to you
Ava: im not comfortable being sexual with you

I cant belive Im having to say this again....ewww icky icky icky

Red: what? really
Ava: well you know we arent together anymore
Red: no kidding
Ava: well i dont want to mess around
Red: ok i was just being flirty
Red: I was just curious
Ava: i mean what do you want from me?
Red: a life
Red: a real relationship
Red: i mean a REAL relationship
Red: like living together and everything
Ava: do you really think we can live together?
Red: i dont know
Red: it's hard to say
Red: brb phone

I went invisible after that. Seriously when is he going to get the point. I think Ive told him at least 4 times that we are not a couple. We will never ever ever be having sex again...and no I have no need for you to come live in my house rent free and be a mooch.

Labels: Breakups, Internet Conversations, Stupid People

So im minding my own buisness helping a friend write a letter to her no good ex and we end up doing a little myspace viewing. There at the top of the lists is a bulletin posted from Red. Yeah I know i should have deleted him...thats not the point. Well the bulletin said he had a new blog about about some chick (not me) he did have a small snipit on his myspace one...

"ok, all you guys were right, i was a moron to ever think that this chick was normal. Man, was i off...i cant even begin to tell you how stupid i feel or how used. One day she wants to kill me, the next as sweet as pie..omg she was so sweet to me all day, we kept talking and getting along so well and then i drive my ass to her place pick her up and she's as cold as ice...all the way to my place...she says practically nothing. She gets to my house and wont even let me touch her, which is normal for us to do. But no she is just standoffish and stubborn..whatever amber. And then, her fatass bf calls her at my place and she answers, she talks to him in my house when she knows how i feel about it. How fucking disrespectful is that? Not only that but after i finally lose it and start yelling at her, she laughs in my face and throws the mistakes i ever made at me...FUCK YOU AMBER. Well i've come to the decision, shes now officially gone out of my life for good. I've deleted all our pics, everything. It's all gone. I want nothing to do with this bi-polar chick, i keep finding the crazy ones...i must be doing something wrong here."

Yeah so Im pissed right? Okay I was and I did spend a good hour trying to find his blog on youtube. Didnt find it. I did call him...twice. The second time leaving a very cival message saying I saw your bullien Im not call to yell I just want to know the truth. Then I did something that even surprized me. I left a message on his myspace blog. I basically wished him luck, said you will find the right girl someday and I hoped his heart would heal.

The thing is if Im right and im not sure I am but there was a girl who stayed with him while we were still together....who left her significant other. He complained about her said awful things about her....I knew something was up. He cheated. His drama earlier? Im sure its lies...to cover up whatever he was doing.

Will I ever hear from Red again? I doubt it. Do I care...well not really. You know I can sit here in my pretty suburban house not saving the white trash cheeting boyfriends of the world and feel pretty damn peachy about it.

It is not my job to save people who have no respect for me and no interest in saving themselves. So Red good luck to you. For Ed it took me 5yrs to get him out of my life. You were done in the month. So the next Red or Ed that comes around. Im hoping he doesnt get a second date.

Labels: Bitching, Breakups, Ed, Moral Outrage, Red, Stupid People

Red: i just wanted to say hi, and i miss u...sorry i havent been easy to reach lately, i kinda just needed to focus on me i guess.

Ava: yeah i guess

Red: somethings happened that i cant talk about yet, but i will eventually

Red: i'm sorry

Ava: well you could have told me you were dissapearing

Red: i didnt tell anyone

Ava: that doesnt make it ok with me

Red: everyone has been trying to reach me and i just dont have anything to say

Red: u hate me?

Ava: no but I am by no means happy with you

Red: i dont blame u

Ava: what you did was inconsiderate, selfish and disrespectful

Ava: i would not treat you that way and I certainly do not expect to be treated that way

Red: i know hun, u didnt deserve it, i'm just messed up i guess

Ava: Well I want to take a step back you have to much going on I rather be friends...I can support you better that way

Red: seriously?

Ava: when and if you get things together we can talk about more

Red: wow

Ava: completly ignoring me for a week is not a relationship

Red: ok, if thats what u want

( At this point I re-added him to my list)

Red: u deleted me?

Ava: yes

Red: when

Ava: yesterday, i figuredi tried to contact you about 5 times and you didnt want to talk to me so you were done, i wasnt going to keep putting myself out there to be rejected

Red: well i'm sorry

Ava: I want to know what went on that could make you behave so poorly

The conversation continued into a story that is basically none of your buisness. The moral it was tempting to change my mind. Red needs me. His life isnt great right now, hes down, he needs someone to cuddle him and take care of him. I know I feed on that. I love to feel indispensible. But that is not a relationship. That is parent child. I made that mistake before Im not going to make it again. So single I stay. I can be a friend to Red but thats all. Too bad the sex was good.

Labels: Breakups, Internet Conversations, Red

Sigh why is it that boys have this magical way of making you feel like crap even if you are the one to end the relationship.

Here is the problem I put up with too much shit. At the beginning of the relationship Red used to text me about a bizzilion times a day to the point where it would drive me crazy. Then he calmed down to a nice normal level. The past two weeks hes been sketchy. Hes always busy, has to much stuff going on etc. I talked to him during my break at work because I was having a bad day he said he would call that night....did he...no. Basically after me texting and call him he texted me back on thursday saying he was up north and had bad reception, that was the last I heard from him.

Friday morning I woke up at half passed pissed and called him left him a message. I really wish I could have a recording of what I said. Basically I said I dont think you have time for this relationship and if you arent willing to make it a priority you cant expect me too. So call me back, and if you cant call me back today dont even bother. I guess he didnt bother.

I suppose I expected him to call me back with some lame excuse. I guess I expected him to be sorry for being distracted. What I got instead is proof that basically I am nothing to him. Bummer.

Am I some kind of weird freak that I care about most people I meet. Yeah Red and I probably werent a match made in heaven. It probably wouldnt have worked out (well obviously) but how can people be so callous? I really hate this. I feel used up and tossed out with the trash.

The real pisser about this whole situation is I didnt want to get involved with anyone in the first place. I had a busy semester at school, busy at work and quite frankly didnt want to have to deal with a guy. Red pushed his way in. Convinced me forwards backwards and sideways to date him then all of a sudden looses interest? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Now Im back to my sorry state of why doesnt anyone love me...which is pathetic. Lots of people love me. My parents love me, my dogs love me, Alice and Cobie love me.

I really hate dating. Im way to sensitive to deal with rejection (hell I cant even deal with rejection when Im the one rejecting) Of course lets be honest here I was the one dumped. Guys have a way of behaving as poorly as possible so they dont have to do the dumping. So instead of my focusing on my misfortune lets look at all the reasons Red wouldnt have worked out.


The Top 10 Reasons to break up
1-He had a very loud very orange car that he thought was "pimp" it had neon lights too...oh and it was a saturn.
2-He eluded to the fact that he beat a guy up for coming onto him once...yeah not cool.
3-I was suspicious he did a lot of lying to me, and I caught him in more than one white lie.
4-He was always ALWAYS broke.
5-I dont think he cared about oral hygiene as much as I do
6-He was not particularly funny
7-He was a phone/computer addict
8-He said the word technology weird
9-He wouldnt let Rosa sleep in the bedroom because she snores
10-He said on more than one occasion "Why are you with me" (I hate that)

Labels: Breakups, Lists, Red

So I was doing some facebook stalking and came across the fuzz. Who is no longer listed as single. Why? Why? Its like he just dissapeared I hate that. I am over it but you know if your not interested in me thats fine just say so. Even if its just one date. Have the freaking balls to send an email saying hey you seem nice but I ust dont feel it. Fine a nice clean end. Then I will delete you off my list so I will never have think about how you are out with someone better than me. And how I will never be good enough to be someone's girlfriend unless there is something tragically wrong with them and they cant get anyone else. So I am comforting myself by sitting on the couch staring at my belly fat and feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday night Red visited. It was okay. I dont remember his teething been so....not so great. Its nothing a good pair of dentures cant fix. We went to a movie and hung out and cuddled a bit. Im starting to feel trapped. I like him I do but I know this is a man I wont marry so I shouldnt lead him on. He's allready getting ubber attached. Its not that Im cold hearted I like to talk to him, I like having someone to call when I get home and share my thoughts with. But this guy has a bit to much drama in his life. His family situation is way messy. His finances horrible, his love of his overpriced ugly orange saturn complete with neon trim around the dashboard not ment to be. He sometimes reminds me of that wanna-be tough guy in highschool.

Life is so much easier when I dont date. There is no one to make me feel bad there is no one to look forward to and be dissapointed about. Is it time to give up? It just doesnt seem fair. There are people that cant seemed to be tolerated by anyone that are married and have nice little families. How do people accept being alone? I feel like I'm on the path to acceptance and thats scaring the hell out of me. I refuse to buy cats.

Labels: Breakups, Depressed, Fuzz, Internet Dating, Red

Last night was rough. This whole Ed conversation has worn on me. I was up until 4ish last night and did not at all hear my alarm go off this morning. I rolled over in bed saw the time and finally got in about four hours late. Actually I probably wouldn’t have slept at all if it weren’t for “Sport.” I had briefly dated him for a couple months this spring. We had an amicable breakup he was still healing from his ex and also moving a good 5 ½ hours away. He has also suffered a broken engagement and even though his fiancée was more bitch than sick-o he can relate to me better than anyone else I know.

This was actually the first real conversation we had since the breakup and I remembered all the things I liked about him. He has a fragile soul and a good heart and can recognize mine as the same. He understands my unrealistic hopes, my optimism and my utter despair when things invariably turn out horribly.

When I returned from work I did an impulse stop at World Market to browse and ended up in the wine store. I love wine. I love the bottles, I love the glasses, I love sitting on my chair reading a book and having a glass. Here is the problem I have a palate of a 4year old. I only like dessert wines, to be fair I usually have it as dessert so I like to think its okay. My favorites are icewine…something my wallet doesn’t much appreciate but today I deserve it.

Todays selection 2004 Jackson-Triggs Proprietors Reserve Vidal Icewine 187ml, a steel at $19.99. Im going to listen to my Dresden Dolls drink my wine and fall in love with myself and my life again.

“This Icewine displays rich tropical aromas of papaya, mango and apricot. Bold fruit flavours balanced with fine acidity caress the palate and conclude with an exquisite silky finish." –Wine Globe

Labels: Breakups, Dresden Dolls, Ed, Sport, Wine

Almost four years since I knew the truth about my ex I had it validated today. I got my closure. Ed has been iming me. Usually it was just once a month or so checking in but lately it’s been every time I’m online. I’m not exactly comfortable with this arrangement but I don’t say anything. Today he tells me that he’s been talking with his therapist a lot about people he’s hurt and making amends.

So he makes amends for when we broke up and he said he would hurt himself even though I said that would hurt me. FUCKER! That’s what he has to make amends for? I am not standing for that. On my list of grievances that didn’t even make the top 20 actually I had pretty much forgotten about that.

I was going to try to paraphrase but that’s just too hard here is the conversation minus the real names of course.

Me: i guess of all the things that i would expect you to make amends of that isnt the one i would pick

Him: Well

Him: I have apolgized for the porn thing, and the going to Florida thing

Him: that doesnt mean they are all ok now

Him: I just needed to say it

Me: you have never truely appoligized for the "porn" thing

Him: Maybe not

Me: youve never truely admited it

Me: at least not to me

Me: maybe not to yourself

Him: Ava

Him: I'm sorry that I had a sickness, that I allowed it to continue without getting help, and I am sorry that you were subjected to it

Me: first of all noone ever has "had" a sickness

Me: second of all you never validated or admited to what i saw

Him: You saw it, it was true....I lied to you that day because I was ashamed

Me: the nature of it?

Him: Yes

Him: the nature of it

Him: I'm sorry, I really just meant to say hi tonight

Him: I didnt mean to drop this all on you

Me: No this was good, Ive wanted to hear that for a long time

Me: but now you have to let me go

Him: Do you mean, not talk anymore

Me: yes

Me: ed you were bad when you were with me

Me: IM part of that old life

Me start your new one and let me start mine

Him: Ava

It’s and odd thing tonight. I’m a mess and this is the best I can describe it. Say you are eight and your old childhood dog is sick. And you dad says oh fido is going to live on a farm now so you say goodbye and your sad and you kinda know that fido is dead. Then three years later your mom tells you that they just had fido put down he wasn’t on some magic farm to cure him. Yes you have gotten over your beloved dog and yes you kinda knew what happened. But knowing the truth to be just as bad as you imagined it makes it real.

Labels: Breakups, Death, Ed, Internet Conversations

Before we completely delve into my personal life it’s important that you get some history on how I became perpetually single in the first place. Ed and I had been together for almost 5 years. We met in college through an online dating site and then eventually moved in together and had been living at the same address for about 3 years. We had gotten engaged and were to be married in less than three months when I called it off.

Mid August 2006:

I had several good reasons for doing and so and frankly I’m not exactly sure how I let the relationship get so far. So after a five year relationship I ended it “tacky” at best. I was out at lunch with my friends and stepped outside to make the call. I told him I was done there was no more working on things there would be no wedding and he was to be out of the house for the next few hours. I was coming to pick up the dogs and stay with my parents for a few days so he would have time to move his stuff out.

I went back to the table took off my ring gave it to my friend and skipped eating lunch. I was told by my freinds that this is the moment when the weight is supposed to be lifted. It didn’t exactly go like that. See when it ended I think I realized just how messed up it had all been, I didn’t know who I had become or how to get back to the happy me I knew and loved. It was easier to just blame him and be bitter so I made a list of why we weren’t right.

The Ed’s not my guy list

1- In the past three years we only had sex about 10 times. Leading to my insane paranoia of being the most undesirable woman alive.

2- Pornography addiction. This I had known about longer than Id like to admit, and should have ended it as soon as I found out. Its not porn that bothered me (hey I like a little bit of XXX action now and again myself) it was the nature of the porn. Girls who wore toilet bowls around their neck, girls fake gang raped, girls forced to give blowjobs until they gagged and vomited…and worst of all the honest to god girls. I’m not talking some 18 year old in a plaid skirt. I’m mean actually 12-year olds.

3- Lazy. When I met him he was taking a break from school and working a crappy job. I urged him to go on to school and supported him while he finished, I pushed him to get his jobs, to get him to do anything I had to nag. I became a mother.

4- Me myself and I. The only thing that Ed ever did without my pushing was his internship at school. He choose something 3times the required length and across the country. I was not consulted it was not discussed, I was told.

5- Socially Akward. He wasn’t fun to hang out with, period. He mostly complained and was tired all the time. He didn’t like my friends. (Note: My friends are awsome)

I was so mad at myself. I am not a wilting flower, how had I stayed with someone who basically messed up everything I belived about in myself? Was I so desperate to be in a relationship and get married that I would choose someone who would most definitely make it an unhappy after? So welcome to my journey. It’s not pretty and it wont represent me in the best light but its me and I wouldn’t change my experiences for the world.

Labels: Breakups, Ed