Before we completely delve into my personal life it’s important that you get some history on how I became perpetually single in the first place. Ed and I had been together for almost 5 years. We met in college through an online dating site and then eventually moved in together and had been living at the same address for about 3 years. We had gotten engaged and were to be married in less than three months when I called it off.

Mid August 2006:

I had several good reasons for doing and so and frankly I’m not exactly sure how I let the relationship get so far. So after a five year relationship I ended it “tacky” at best. I was out at lunch with my friends and stepped outside to make the call. I told him I was done there was no more working on things there would be no wedding and he was to be out of the house for the next few hours. I was coming to pick up the dogs and stay with my parents for a few days so he would have time to move his stuff out.

I went back to the table took off my ring gave it to my friend and skipped eating lunch. I was told by my freinds that this is the moment when the weight is supposed to be lifted. It didn’t exactly go like that. See when it ended I think I realized just how messed up it had all been, I didn’t know who I had become or how to get back to the happy me I knew and loved. It was easier to just blame him and be bitter so I made a list of why we weren’t right.

The Ed’s not my guy list

1- In the past three years we only had sex about 10 times. Leading to my insane paranoia of being the most undesirable woman alive.

2- Pornography addiction. This I had known about longer than Id like to admit, and should have ended it as soon as I found out. Its not porn that bothered me (hey I like a little bit of XXX action now and again myself) it was the nature of the porn. Girls who wore toilet bowls around their neck, girls fake gang raped, girls forced to give blowjobs until they gagged and vomited…and worst of all the honest to god girls. I’m not talking some 18 year old in a plaid skirt. I’m mean actually 12-year olds.

3- Lazy. When I met him he was taking a break from school and working a crappy job. I urged him to go on to school and supported him while he finished, I pushed him to get his jobs, to get him to do anything I had to nag. I became a mother.

4- Me myself and I. The only thing that Ed ever did without my pushing was his internship at school. He choose something 3times the required length and across the country. I was not consulted it was not discussed, I was told.

5- Socially Akward. He wasn’t fun to hang out with, period. He mostly complained and was tired all the time. He didn’t like my friends. (Note: My friends are awsome)

I was so mad at myself. I am not a wilting flower, how had I stayed with someone who basically messed up everything I belived about in myself? Was I so desperate to be in a relationship and get married that I would choose someone who would most definitely make it an unhappy after? So welcome to my journey. It’s not pretty and it wont represent me in the best light but its me and I wouldn’t change my experiences for the world.

Labels: Breakups, Ed