New years is my favorite holiday. I always have new toys to play with and with the family get togethers over I am in a good mood in my own house. Since being 21 I can't remember a bad new years...its a friend holiday where I surrounded by the people who are closest to me. The people who will hold my hair if I puke without a lecture and with whom I will point out shady allyway corners perfect for pit stops. Yep its all very glamorous.

For many year's we would ring in the new year in Green Bay which is as far as I'm concerned the liquor capital of the world, but when Heff and Hairnet moved to Nebraska Alice and I were left to improvise our fun.

Two years ago Alice, Rory and I went to lacrosse. Alice spent a couple hours talking cops throwing some guy out in the street she knew into detox....she then drove him home (he didn't live in town) The I think Rory lost her walet. I probably wore bad shoes because I do belive I was alone for a long time. We went home before bar close.

Then last year we attended Cobie's bash at his apartment. We cooked, we drank, I met new people. I talked with them until 5am about utopian health care. I think we drove everyone else crazy.

Although my last two new years were good they lacked that reckless quality which I think is a must-have once a year. No one threw up in a car, no one picked a fight (ahem Alice), no one went missing for hours only to be found trashed at the bar next door. Okay none of that happened last night either but still it was closer.

Alice, George, Bag and I set out for B&K's house. I always forget where they live. It really isn't that complicated I usually get to within a couple blocks of it. There is really no excuse I've probably been to their house 20 times. Sigh. I give up my wandering and call them. No answer. So I call K&E, after being informed to look for a van with ribs written across the side...(true story) I leave the car and begin wandering the street looking in windows.

Upon out arrival we were welcomed with pomegranate martinis, dice and whiskey shots, vodka + fresca (the ORIGINAL citrus beverage), plum wine and mountains of food. The was talking in a cold smoky garage. Shocking stories, work stories, gossip, laughter, snorting and several trips to the bathroom. We played rock band, we snowboarded, counted down the last second of 08'...it was good.

I started the new year right...I woke up with a stomach ache, headache, coal-miner's lung and generally smelly. Just how it should be.

Next year....back to green bay.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Cobie, Drinking, Food, Friends, Glass Half Full, Rory, Thoughts, Wine, Work

Much like the American Idol Kelly Clarkson, I am "Miss Independent." -That was a joke folks stick with me here.

Today I booked my hotel for the Chicago Amanda Palmer show. No I didn't book some prissy (ahem safe) Michigan Ave room. Nope two star nothside for me. The good side its literally one itty bitty mile from my concert and two blocks from Wrigley and at $125 the price tag was tre' chic. It doesn't look too bad so hopefully I wont return from my stay with a raging case of scabies. Now I just have to figure out how to take the bus/L from union station to get there. I shall figure that out later. Besides worst care scenario I can use my savings to splurge on a cab.

The other problem is the dad factor. Do I blatantly lie? Daddy dearest will be mental at the thought of his little bubble-headed princess navigating the city alone, staying in a hotel without a doorman and going to a concert where I think he figures (and rightfully so) I will be drunk beyond sensibility. Regardless of what he says I will go (for christ sake I'm 27) and the only person that would really suffer from such a disclosure is my saintly mother who will have to hear him suffer in 40 decibel "silence" all while calling local hospitals until 8am the next morning when my mother will finally lift the ban on calling me. So full disclosure is probably not the best idea for this situation, but I'm not very good about lying...especially to my parents...especially without getting caught :P I think the best tactic will be to spring it on them at the last minute. I'll think on it.

Aside from all this I'm very proud of myself. I'm excited, I'm going alone on a little adventure... now if I only knew how to dress goth so I could fit in with the concert goers.

Labels: Chicago, Dresden Dolls, Drinking, Family, Music

Last nights post was admittedly a disaster. Note to self drunk blogging is worse than drunk txting because you don't have a character limit. I've heard people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...although I've never been a fan of washing windows so I tend to be a bit careless with my stone throwing. (okay I'm putting a stop to the cliches)

So in the spirit of communication, and disgusting venerability lets do this thing. Cobie is my oldest dearest friend. I know he didn't overbook on purpose. I was angry and hurt mostly because I interpreted his misbooking as a fact that he wasn't as excited to see me as I was to spend some time with him. (Which looking back now I'm not sure I don't even belive that....I tend to be a blonde when it comes to dates too) And hell if I had to choose between Manhattan and a concert I'm not crazy about I'd fuckin' choose New York anyways. And to totally switch gears on you, I'm disappointed that he feels he has to walk on eggshells for me and that's made me realize I don't spend enough time just relaxing and having fun with him.

My friendship with Cobie is different. I can't explain why but I trust him, he is special to me and more than anyone when he has joys and sorrows I feel it. I don't spend enough time telling him how much I value him as a person, I don't spend enough time empathizing with him. However I do spend far to much time letting him see my bad side, my vunerable side, my unedited side. (shocking I know but I do edit). I'm a user. Cobie doesn't get to see the good side, the happy side, the ways I change because I trust him enough to see the mess underneath. He must have a very shady view of me which is completely my fault. He is patient, he helps. When I went through the Ed disaster he told me what no one else would. I see the changes in him though. I see him happy, I see him smart, I see him excited about his career and school, I see him living the life he wants. Which requires a certain amount of bravery. I'm not jealous of cobie though (said notoriously jealous Ava) with cobie I'm just plain proud. And for me to make that switch in emotions its gotta count for something.

To Cobie:
You are special. You are what I imagine a sibling to be. I am thankful I have you in my life. You are eternally my friend, and you are so not getting rid of me that easily. Forget Gwen its time you got to know Gwendolyn. I'm willing to stomp my stinking pride, I owe you. I love you. I'm sorry. Take your time. I'll wait. Your worth it.

P.S. 15yr old Ava took a hike, I'm back to my old self and booking a hotel room so I can go to my concert. Sure I may be going alone but I prepare to be drunk enough to fake being gregarious.

P.P.S: Signing the letter Ava didn't sit well with me. Sometimes if your going to go vulnerable you mine as well go all out.

Labels: Breakups, Cobie, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Glass Half Full, Thoughts

On Saturday we arrived at XS at 9pm. Wow we are so cool.

But seeing as we had nothing better to do and we knew we would have the place to ourselves we headed out. I brought sixty dollars with me this time :)

We played dice. ALOT of dice. I probably played about 15 rounds and somehow managed to not loose once. Although Hairnet was doing a bit of accidental cheating on my behalf.

Yeah so you do the math 15 shots plus a shot of absenthe (although I do not believe it was truly absenthe just a very strong liquor market in the us by that name) well and there were of course the maintenance "sipping" vodka cranberries which over the course of 5 hours had to be about 10. This being said MII purchased me a drink, and the shots were provided from dice and still even after all that I spent less than 20 dollars. God its good to have boobs. Now on to what you are really waiting for highlights of the night. This post is significantly more difficult because due to aforementioned over consumption of beverage I remember things in flashes.

I lost miserably at darts (I usually win)

When conversing with one of our "posse" friends that I don't know he told me his name was Zacharia...I did not know this was a joke and continued to call him that all night. No one bothered to correct me. I will from now on if I ever get the opportunity to talk to him again call him Zacharia. It all came together when Alice called him later by his real name on the way home in car...oh well.

I remember man handling our bar tender (all above the belt of course,ok well mostly)...after his invitations to do so.

Most of all I remember being too much information girl when talking to MII. I remember an odd conversation about nipples.

Dancing in my chair because lord knows I wasn't about to do it on the dance floor and be judged.

I remember being in the parking lot filled with people and peeing behind a dumpster. Sometimes its good practice to recapture ones youth.

Labels: Alice, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends

You know I am not so lucky when it comes to fate. I have resigned myself to being entirely too peculiar to be appreciated by any male that has an affinity for the opposite sex. And I'm picky. I've tried to be more flexible but I guess I'm just not willing tone down the authentic me. Not to mention that the first thought that flashes across my mind when I meet available guys is "what a tool."

Enter Mister Inconvenient Impossibility (MII).

I was at XS with my chums and part of the imported group was MII. Tall, not skinny, cute, nerd glasses, smart, funny and oh so fits in with my group of people. Well I suppose my friends are his friends so that's a given. We chatted we flirted. I was well quite frankly too drunk. Like stupid college kid drunk. So my filter was even more porous that usual however MII still for some unfathomable reason seemed to take a liking to me.

So you are expecting me to gush and giggle now. Name our future children, imagine our engagement and pick out colors for the wedding. Believe me I would want nothing more than to sicken you all with a the fairytale romance of perpetually single Ava Mazur finding Mister Right...well lets be realistic Mister Possibility. But as you will notice this man is named Mister Inconvenient Impossibility more specifically he lives over 11 hours away, in Ohio.

I would like to say our small weekend connection ended with a kiss and exchanged emails where we could chat and be friends...you never know were something might lead which would make him Mister Snowballs Chance in Hell.

But no it ended with him being realistic which really only pisses me off because I didn't get the opportunity to be realistic first.

Although honestly I guess I'm not really realistic. Despite my best efforts I do have hope in general of finding someone and don't like to throw away leads all willy nilly. I would take a snowballs chance in hell over impossibility any day.

Labels: Boys, Crushes, Drinking, Friends, Glass Half Empty

My adventure to depart to Green Bay for the weekend was very last minute. The night before my roommate said she was staying for the weekend and would take care of the dogs so I grabbed my stuff and was out the door.

Originally I was going to stay at Alice's parent's house but after stopping at Hairnet and Heff's house and learning they were going to infamous "club" XS I bailed and stayed with them. I had $15 dollars to my name but we departed and knowing they took credit cards I was confident in my ability to pay for a fun night on the town.

I had so much fun. We played dice I saw some old acquaintances met some new folks that were part of the group and after about 10 shots and five drinks somehow managed to come home with $5 dollars. I'm not exactly sure if I was stealing or perhaps giving blow jobs under the bar but a night out for $10 dollars is priceless regardless of the loose morals it takes to get me there.

And because I'm far to lazy to tell you EVERYTHING that happed I present to you...Random quotes from a drunk night out.

Scene: Very drunk shirtless guy (VDSG) at the bar his eyes are literally just about rolling back in his head. He had already bought a round of shots for my "posse" 15 seconds later..

VDSG: Let me buy you a drink

Ava: Oh, no thank you...you just bought me a shot, I can get this one.

VDSG: I did?

Ava: Yeah, you bought us all shots. -I point down the bar to my group

VDSG: At this point he stumbles a little an leans on a pole for support. "I'm gay."

Ava: Well...its a gay bar... so you've come to the right place!

VDSG: "Yeah I'm gay but...." he stumbles again incoherent mumbling..."Will you have sex with me?"

Ava: exit stage left


Scene: Heff is sitting at the bar when Creepy Alcoholic Guy (CAG) comes up and stands next to him. Oh and you all know CAG he is the one that is usually sitting at the end of the bar with his head down...I don't thing he ever leaves the bar but just passed out in his chair now and again.

Heff: Lights a cigarette and takes a couple drags.

CAG: Are you going to finish that? (Nodding towards the cigarette)

Heff: Well...I AM still smoking it.



Scene: CAG has now started to invade MY space and I am tying to ignore his talking to me. Totally cute wonderful doesn't like to charge me drinks bar tender was flirting with me...well more flirting with my ample bosom. And out of nowhere he reached into my shirt and put two plastic cups in to give me the "Madonna" look...well Madonna but less pointy. So of course this led to many laughs sassy posing and perhaps someone has a picture of it somewhere. CAG comes up grabs a cup and somehow snapped it back at my boob...it was not a pleasant sensation....CAG, ew

Did I mention as the night wore on CAG was taking half-full drinks and pouring them into his glass. My friends and I truly do only go to the finest of establishments.

Scene: After bar close we go to Denny's were everyone is taking joy in trying to set me up with "Mr.Inconvenient" (More on him later). Anyways His friend the birthday boy (BB) was by far the biggest offender

BB: You should sleep with him!

Ava: I am not going to sleep with him.

BB: Aww come on you have to give the boy something

Ava: I don't go around with sleeping with people I just met...well not usually at least.

Heff: Ava's having a bloody Mary

Ava: Heff...Really? (Insert glare of death here)

BB: He can earn his red wings.

Ava: I hate you all.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Birthdays, Boys, Conversations, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Friends, Stupid People

Cobie, Alice, 2G and I enter the hotel elevator after closing down Jim's time out, and a slight detour to gorge at dunkin doughnuts. Just before the door closes 3 guys come in. They are obviously in town for the game and also drinking. These are jock guys. Think hair greese and an overwhelming sent of Aqua De Gio.

Alice and I share a knowing look about the guys in the elevator and start to giggle. The giggle grows into laughter. Cobie and 2G look at us like we are crazy.

"Why are you guys laughing?" Cobie questions
Alice still laughing, "Ava farted"
"I did not!" I whine...but what could I say after that. I couldnt say we are laughing because we are trapped in an elevator with a bunch of guidos.

Labels: Alice, Cobie, Drinking, Embarassing Stories

Tonight was a long overdue happy hour. I haven't been out with "the boys" in months and it was nice to see that I showed up with no accompaniment and upon walking in the door was greeted by droves (ok 4) people. Oh and whats better apparently I won some raffle thing for a free night at the Kahler.

What am I going to do with a free hotel stay where the hotel is 3miles from my home I have no clue...maybe I'll have a wild ecstasy and sex party. Of course I have no idea how to procure either ecstasy or sex so maybe a plan B is in order.

Either way back to the story. Normally I have a 2drink happy hour max but I was feeling spicy tonight and having a good conversation with a friend about his torrid love affair so I went for a third.

Shortly after finishing my drink the crowd started to filter out and regretfully it was time to go home. By no means am i drunk but going over my normal Ava-imposed limit made me paranoid. I get in my car and go to make a left hand turn.
The light turns yellow...
out of the corner of my eye I see a cop I begin to break..
Dammit I'm in the middle of the intersection
I speed up
The light is red....

CRAP CRAP CRAP

I stare in my review mirror, no lights. Then I realize I'm in the wrong lane, no problem Ill just go around the block. I turn...he turns, I turn again...he turns again...I turn, turn, turn and finally loose him.

Of course by this point I have absolutely no idea where I am. I drive around aimlessly until I find a street I recognize. While I'm straining trying to see the road signs I COMPLETELY run a red light...not a yellow light turning red...like a really been red for a long time light. Nice real nice.
So I dart my head around no cars, none. Thank goodness I didn't kill anyone.

I turn on Broadway and all of a sudden sirens are everywhere 2 cop cars and a fire truck. I turn off my radio..this is it I think the jig is up. No one seems to be getting over but I switch to the right lane even though they are blocks behind...i keep pulling over and realize I am in a turn lane. The cops turned the other way. I'm now driving around a parking lot for no reason.

I head back home where another cop sirens blaring comes from the other direction and turns on my street. They are coming for me there are probably 10 cop cars in my driveway ready to arrest me for my 3beers. He also zooms past me.

My 3mile trip home took about 20minutes.

I would just like to whoever got in a hell of a lot of trouble tonight because you saved me a ticket.

P.S. Date from the other night emailed me shortly after my post yesterday...yeah I know I'm supa dupa fly.

Labels: Beer, Boys, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Fuzz

So I headed to Lacrosse for my super awesome birthday shenanigans. The festivities were to be held on Saturday July 19th, a day premature but logistically best for the observation of such an occasion. Much like Washington's birthday is observed on a Monday to give children and people with cushy jobs a three day vacation.

Just so you get the full effect I will start at 12am...I arrive downtown, Alice is drunk and convinces me and Rory to meet her at a bar. Normally I would not object but seeing as I had left in a hurry I was still wearing my lovely burgundy scrubs complete with sensible white crocks. I had half a beer and played cards while Alice flittered about.

After the bar we got to Alice's where she set us up with a movie and passed out. Alice is frugal which is endearing in most cases, however its less endearing when it comes to her "air conditioning" which consists of a fan that used to isolate. I keep my thermostat set at 70 and pay the bill almost gleefully in summertime. It is a luxury I have come to require. I'm convinced the heatstroke lead to my headache and resulting insomnia. The movie was over at 4am, I checked my facebook and myspace then settled for some quizzes on okcupid. After taking a quiz on lucid dreaming ability I ended up on wikipedia which entertained me until the sun rose at about 6:30am and I was finally ready for bed.

I slept until 1:30pm listened to NPR while reading my book and ate a tomato sandwich for lunch. At 5:30 we were finally dressed and went to buzzard billy's for blackened chicken salad and a side of french fries with the best ranch dressing ever.

We then went to G & S's house because they have air conditioning & cable and watched T.V. until 11:45. It was then that my dream of going out died swiftly with an impromptu trip to Mc Donalds. I should have been having a free birthday shot or ringing a bell at some college bar but instead I was ordering a no.2 no onions minutes before closing and not caring that the poor schmucks serving me were most likely annoyed that they had to clean the grill yet again before frolicking off to fun and frivolity. Even though that was me only 5years ago.

So am I upset that my birthday bash was well...totally lame? No, not really because I'm not the 5yrs ago me. I would feel stupid ringing a birthday bell (although truth be told I've never rang one). I don't want people singing to me at restaurants and I don't really even care that I can get a free entree if I bring 3 other diner's with me for my birthday meal.

Ava's birthday observed started when I turned 21 and was a good summer excuse to get together and do something a little outside the ordinary. Over the years it has made up all the trauma left from never getting to sit in the birthday chair at school or passing out cupcakes to my classmates. But maybe its time to move on.

Today I am 27. I have the feeling each birthday leading up to 30 is going to be hard for me. Not that I feel any younger than that age in fact if I got to pick my age non-chronologically I would probably choose early 30's but its a reminder...of how my life is off balance.

In some ways I feel ahead of the curve: family relationships, friends, job, financial stability, mental security all that sort of stuff is good.

Then the sad lame Ava pops up where I realize that relationship-wise I may as well be 15. Really no improvement, no hopefuls. And each time I log into some wretched networking site and see a photo of a friend's baby or or a couple hugging in front of a sunset on their honeymoon I can't help but thinking. Did I totally miss the bus?

I'm told these things all happen on different time tables. I'm told I'm smart, funny, caring, hell even beautiful once in awhile but these people are my friends. I can't help but blame myself...at least a little. I find myself saying if you just lost the weight, if you didn't cry at every animated movie, if you didn't flick off that guy that cut you off in traffic, if you didn't waste so much time dating the wrong people, if you weren't as successful, if you didn't like weird music or documentaries or talking about random articles on wikipedia, you would be that girl in front of the sunset.

But in truth most of these things I really don't want to change. Which makes me feel a bit destined for a life of being perpetually single. Am I too stubborn to change? Is there really room in my life for another person? Would I even give Mr. Right a chance? My honest answer is no. Even if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I would probably dismiss him and not even know he was there in the first place. This is what makes me sad.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Birthdays, Depressed, Dreams, Drinking, Food, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work

Saturday I slept in until 10:30, showered and discovered I had forgotten both toothpaste and deodorant. Which caused me to buy little travel sized ones at the hotel gift shop for twice their retail value. I got to the zoo a little early with no problem those detours are much easier to follow in daylight. Work friends had more difficulty, so i entered the zoo parked myself on bench and read my book while overlooking the swan lake. It was a perfect day to go...75, sunny and not a hint of humidity.

I've always loved zoos. My father and I would take yearly trips at or near Christmas eve. I've only recently be reintroduced to zoos in the summer, its busier, stinkier, but everything is open and you get to catch all the special summer goings on.

I also like taking pictures and there are endless opportunities. Unfortunately I was not smart enough to charge my battery so it died after only about ten pictures. So what was my favorite part of the zoo trip? The butterfly garden. Yeah I know I've been giving butterflies a bad rap but they had a nice little guide so I could identify them and the garden area was just gorgeous! The chrysalises were all on display and labeled and butterfly's were everywhere you had no trouble finding the ones on the list.

After 6hours of walking around we were pretty well spend and went to the embassy suites hotel. Very nice and excellent customer service... seriously EXCELLENT. It was a little pricey but well worth the added cost. There was a open bar happy hour for two hours which we participated in I got 2-screw drivers.

We then went to the liquor store to stock the fridge and bought a pack of cards and then freshened up a bit before dinner. Instead of driving around buzzed we partook in the hotel's restaurant which was 20% off since we were staying there. We had crab cakes and a warm goat cheese tart and anti-pasta platter. For my main course I had a barley risotto with mushrooms and something else in the sauce we suspect is nutmeg, Gorgonzola cheese and beef medallions. The meal was rounded off with a layered chocolate cake with Baily's and creme filling. Divine.

Back at the room I cracked open a fat-tire beer and we played go-fish and 500, then preceded to have cigarettes off the tiny balcony in our non-smoking room. The door only opened about 3-inches, just enough for you to stick your hand out. We caught up chit chatted about the people I used to work with and eventually on to the theories of friendship, love and family. I was a perfect weekend.

Photos: by me

Labels: Beer, Drinking, Food, Friends, Vacation, Work

Message from Alice: I got and invitation Keystone's wedding....do you want to go with me?

Keystone is an odd memory at best. I knew him though Alice and the three of use were the Keystone Light drinking crew of summer a summer long ago and far away. At the time when my relationship with Ed was going from bad to ended and I was in my depressed not-at-all Ava stage. (Which fortunately Alice has since forgiven me for). Anyways its a long story that is not worth going into. Anyways time has past and Keystone has met his "one"...I guess. They got pregnant and had a baby this winter and it seems this august the wedding bells will chime. Me cynical? Okay maybe.

Similar to Alice I got a wedding invitation of my own in the mail...I mean this a little too literally. My lesbian work friends are getting married and I gifted them my blank invitation since they will do more good with them than sitting in my closet. I didn't pay any attention to the envelope but then I opened it and saw the red outer pocket..chili red to be exact with eggshell paper inlay and gold corner adornments.

I plucked out the RSVP card with out much thought and added Alice to my name on the card.

Ava: Sure I'll go to Keystone's wedding with you, your still going to lesbian work friend's with me right?

Alice: Yeah

Ava: It's kinda sad isn't it?

Alice: I suppose...Seems you have to be a lesbian or get knocked up to get married around here.

The funny thing is I'm not sad. Normally I would feel pathetic or lonely...but the only feeling I could muster is thinking this is kinda a sad state of affairs. As if the little camera crew that lives inside my duct work looked in spying on me and would shake their heads at the pathetic lump adding a best friend "date" to not one...but two weddings.

Sometimes its odd for me to not feel bad about something. Two weddings, two good friends finding people they will someday (probably soon) marry. And when I think of it all I do is shrug. This is not to say I don't have occasional twinges of jealously...but that is too strong of a word its more of an anticipation for my time one day. I'm less concerned about the time table which is very not-at-all Ava like but in a good way this time.

Photo by We the Living

Labels: Beer, Conversations, Drinking, Friends, glbt, Rory, Thoughts

Oprah once told me to find something to be thankful for everyday....Today I am thankful for cheep Mexican wine, my Bose speakers, itunes, my cannon camera and in impending parental visit to get my house in ship shape....so its appropriate for viewing by aforementioned parental units.

I spent my afternoon rockin' out the the Dresden Dolls and drinking Viognier by Don Lus Vetto Vinicola L.A.Cetto 2006 reserve. (2006 seems hardly long enough to go to be considered reserve but I will let it slide. I tend to be giving like that.

After my cleaning binge I thought humm this is a good opportunity to take pictures of the house for whatever reason one might need pictures of their own dwelling....well all that turned out was these. The wine glass if from a set I received from my dad a couple Christmas's ago. The grocery list is new :P and random but I liked the picture none the less.

Note to self: Tomatoes is spelled wrong.

itunes has now blessed me with playing two cake bake bettey songs in a row it is a good day.

Second note to self: The is a second bottle of wine in the freezer don't forget it!

Labels: Dresden Dolls, Drinking, Music, Wine

Okay so I don't love taxes but I do love tax refunds. It has been my habit to use my federal refund for something responsible usually school or debt related. But the blessed state refund is to spent on things I really really want to a point of being a "need." For instance last year I spent my refund on a pair of black pearl and diamond earrings, a snow blower and a 30 Gig I-pod video to replace my way overtaxed and outdated pink mini.

I was very pleasantly surprised this payday when checking my balance and finding the once a year 800+ thank you for being an American and overpaying bonus. I waited a whole 3 days before going crazy at Target today I spent $485.00 of my refund. The rest is going to a new scrub wardrobe and some nursing shoes so I can fit in with the cool kids at my new job.

1. $34.98: X-Tall Pet Gate with swinging door so I don't have to take the gate down every time I want to go downstairs or alternatively try to jump it and fall to my death a carpeted half flight below.
2. $249.99: Bose computer speaker system to replace my stereo from high school connected to my laptop by a tape on a cable (yes I am serious).
3. $7.98: Three Twelve packs of regular non-diet coke in a can
4. $149.00: Hover Floor Vac which vacuums wet and dry and can be used on all my upstairs flooring surfaces (wood, tile and linoleum).
5. $6.84: Hoover Floor Cleaning Solution
6. $4.79: Clorox Wipes
7. 13.79 impulse bottle of wine after turning into the liquor store at a stop light.

Getting drunk, listening to loud crystal clear music and walking barefoot on my floors without crap getting stuck to my feet....Priceless!

Labels: Drinking, Lists, Shopping, Wine

I know I know...I'm the worst blogger ever but I'm back on and here to share my pearls of wisdom.

I trekked off to Chicago. It was fab. Spent some time with the fam. They only drove me nuts on day 5 and 6 which I think is pretty good considering I'm not used to having to talk to them so much and didn't have my pillow and I didn't get to sleep naked for the entire vacation.

Instead of the traditional daddy daughter day we did a Mazur family fun-day. We went downtown accompanied by Alice and Cobie where we went for Tapas. Which I love! This is my third tapas restaurant and all have been wonderful. I highly suggest you all go to one and bring good people who don't mind you picking through the same food. And always ALWAYS order the sangria.

In the post tapas stupor my parents and I abandoned my friends and went to see Wicked. Its been so long since I've gone to the theater. Sigh I miss you Chicago.

I then rejoined my friends for a wardrobe change and an L trip to Berlin (the bar). I get off the train and go to the door. I had a $20 where the bouncer groaned, "another 20" I told him I had a $5 and to hold on. I dug through my tiny coach purse and extracted a tattered $5 dollar bill which tore as I pulled it from its cramped domain. "Oh don't worry about it" he says, "You've got a kind face" Cobie and Alice who tend to be the ones ooglied at, had to pay :)

So we partied like it was 1999. Or more likely 12/28/07 and 2 long beaches from a gay bar later I was dancing and about ready to pass out on the floor. We left the bar and headed back to the L where we waited in the bitter cold.

I decided to take this opportunity to call smiley and be mushy. Alice gave me a lit cigarette and I retreated into my own little world.

As I was strolling I noticed a police officer complete with a German Shepard fit with a cage like muzzle. Suddenly I realized that even though I am in the great outdoors I am in a public domain. I turned away too drunk to really commit to putting it out. Panic in my eyes as he approached i snuffed it out on my shoe and clutched the stinky butt in my hand.

I turned and he was there.
" I put it out I put it out"
" Look I'm not even littering." I deposited the butt in the outer pocket of my purse
" I'm from Minnesota."

Alice and Cobie then engaged my potential arrestor and his puppy chaos in idle conversation until the trained arrived but I like to think it was my majestically kind face that got me off again.

Labels: Alice, Cobie, Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Smiley

I live in such a conservative town that there is no designated gay bar. Instead there is the possibly most ramshackle sleazy bar in town (the Ultra Lounge) which has a gay night on Fridays. I like this bar because when I have no plans I’m pretty much guaranteed to run into someone I know, or failing that it’s at least not as intimidating to me.

I get there and I am the only girl in the bar (well except for one drag queen). Saw my friend Tree and a couple other guys whom I had met before. Later on that night a new guy comes in. Which is pretty easy to spot since there are 10 people in the bar (including the bartender). He looks about 12years old medium height, gauntly skinny and clothes that make it clear he didnt grow up around here deer hunting with his dad. My friend bought him a drink and I bummed him a cigarette. Tree chatted with him for awhile and then it was my turn to engage the new person into conversation. He was from Hollywood and explained a complex story about how his mom brought him and his sister here. He is 19. Hollywood makes me uncomfortable. You know how you sense a person is bad news. Normally I leave my purse at this bar and will go to the bathroom and make a phone call. Perhaps it was the fact that he asked me for 5dollars within 10seconds of meeting me suspect potential thievery.

As the night progressed so did Hollywood’s story. His sister and him were trying to get back to Owatonna (a good hour drive from here) to stay with their grandma. They needed money for gas (although they had no car). Tree offered up his place for them to stay and then he would drive them back in the morning. This was met with several rounds of leaving the bar to talk with sister and then coming back.

Finally his sister made an appearance she was young. The bar was closing and she didn’t want to stay with Tree so she was using his phone to try to find a place for the night.

I knew better, I really did. That sense in my stomach said Ava this is a bad idea….my mouth said, “You can stay with me.” I apparently solved a debate that had been going on for hours with one statment everyone (except me) was happy with the arangement and there was no backing out now.

We get to my place and I start to change the sheets on the guest bed. I realize that all my paid off do not use credit cards are easily visible in the open jewelry box not to mention all of the actual jewelry in there. Note to self remove valuable prior to accepting a vagrant into your home. I distract her by offering her food and she happy scavenged while I quickly grabbed all my valuables off my dresser and snuck them in my room.

We chit chatted for awhile. She is 18, had a baby girl when she was 15 who was adopted and now lives in Connecticut. She has a fiancé (NY) and 5 boyfriends. She might be pregnant. She is only sleeping with the NY. They have been together for 3months and he bought her a 3carrot ring which she pawned for 90$ to get her hair done. She just keeps the other guys around in case she needs something. She is living with NY although he’s he only comes home for a couple days a month because he has businesses all over the country. What is his business you ask? Oh being a drug lord of course. NY and Hollywood dont get allong because Hollywood is a crackhead and ows NY lots of money.

By this point my little middle/upper middle class suburban upbringing is creating a major culture shock and making me tired so I excuse myself to bed. Seconds later there is a knock on my door requesting use of my cell phone. She calls NY who is pissed because he heard pregnancy rumors and wants to see her NOW!

Great I am now driving a teenager in the middle of the night, more accuratly the wee hours of the morning to see her pissed off drug dealer fiancé’ in a Kwik Trip parking lot. When we get there he is already sitting there. I do not leave the car she gets out. There is screaming. I’m waiting for the cops to show up and arrest me for involvement and then being shot by NY because he thinks I tipped them off. I call Alice to sooth my nerves where she informed me that too many of her friends who seem to have common sense have taken in homeless people.

Sister comes back and asks me to buy her a pregnancy test. So we go to Wal-Mart and I get one for her. Back to my place and she takes it. Not Pregnant. She calls NY with the news where he said “Bitch I told you only to bother calling if you were.” What a jem. Since she is now a free agent she called up one of her boyfriends and said she’s available to get together tomorrow night.

Sigh. I locked myself in my room and listened to see if I could detect valuables being stolen. I woke her up in the morning and dropped her off at Tree’s house he started this he can figure out what to do with them. And just in case you were curious the only thing missing from my home were several pudding cups and some dove bars.

The night wasn’t a total loss though. I learned several things.

“Lean Back” means relax or chill out (I thought it was just a super cool dance move).

Fiance' means a girl whom you like enough to have sex with once a month. In turn you are still allowed to have sex with whom every you want including the wives/girlfriends of people who owe you money.

Nut means ejaculate. As in “Bitch I didn’ even nut in you” Translation but my fine darling how can you be pregnant I pulled out?

“Build a tree house” Umm okay I was so lost by then I couldn’t figure that one out by context.

Labels: Drinking, Embarassing Stories, Stupid People

We made it to Denver the cubs lost by A LOT. But I did enjoy some Coors Light (not my fav but it is Coors stadium) with the high altitude a few drinks is all you need. Cobie and I got into a fight where he somehow in a round about way called me a Nazi. I did not take that well. I would go into more detail but it was stupid and we both lost our tempers. So after the game I was lost and wandering around downtown Denver by myself. I was less than thrilled. But I made it back to the hotel we made up. Made fun of the people attending the Trekie convention across the street and went to the worst gay bar ever. All in all a lousy but semi-ok day.

Labels: Cobie, Drinking, Vacation