So I headed to Lacrosse for my super awesome birthday shenanigans. The festivities were to be held on Saturday July 19th, a day premature but logistically best for the observation of such an occasion. Much like Washington's birthday is observed on a Monday to give children and people with cushy jobs a three day vacation.

Just so you get the full effect I will start at 12am...I arrive downtown, Alice is drunk and convinces me and Rory to meet her at a bar. Normally I would not object but seeing as I had left in a hurry I was still wearing my lovely burgundy scrubs complete with sensible white crocks. I had half a beer and played cards while Alice flittered about.

After the bar we got to Alice's where she set us up with a movie and passed out. Alice is frugal which is endearing in most cases, however its less endearing when it comes to her "air conditioning" which consists of a fan that used to isolate. I keep my thermostat set at 70 and pay the bill almost gleefully in summertime. It is a luxury I have come to require. I'm convinced the heatstroke lead to my headache and resulting insomnia. The movie was over at 4am, I checked my facebook and myspace then settled for some quizzes on okcupid. After taking a quiz on lucid dreaming ability I ended up on wikipedia which entertained me until the sun rose at about 6:30am and I was finally ready for bed.

I slept until 1:30pm listened to NPR while reading my book and ate a tomato sandwich for lunch. At 5:30 we were finally dressed and went to buzzard billy's for blackened chicken salad and a side of french fries with the best ranch dressing ever.

We then went to G & S's house because they have air conditioning & cable and watched T.V. until 11:45. It was then that my dream of going out died swiftly with an impromptu trip to Mc Donalds. I should have been having a free birthday shot or ringing a bell at some college bar but instead I was ordering a no.2 no onions minutes before closing and not caring that the poor schmucks serving me were most likely annoyed that they had to clean the grill yet again before frolicking off to fun and frivolity. Even though that was me only 5years ago.

So am I upset that my birthday bash was well...totally lame? No, not really because I'm not the 5yrs ago me. I would feel stupid ringing a birthday bell (although truth be told I've never rang one). I don't want people singing to me at restaurants and I don't really even care that I can get a free entree if I bring 3 other diner's with me for my birthday meal.

Ava's birthday observed started when I turned 21 and was a good summer excuse to get together and do something a little outside the ordinary. Over the years it has made up all the trauma left from never getting to sit in the birthday chair at school or passing out cupcakes to my classmates. But maybe its time to move on.

Today I am 27. I have the feeling each birthday leading up to 30 is going to be hard for me. Not that I feel any younger than that age in fact if I got to pick my age non-chronologically I would probably choose early 30's but its a reminder...of how my life is off balance.

In some ways I feel ahead of the curve: family relationships, friends, job, financial stability, mental security all that sort of stuff is good.

Then the sad lame Ava pops up where I realize that relationship-wise I may as well be 15. Really no improvement, no hopefuls. And each time I log into some wretched networking site and see a photo of a friend's baby or or a couple hugging in front of a sunset on their honeymoon I can't help but thinking. Did I totally miss the bus?

I'm told these things all happen on different time tables. I'm told I'm smart, funny, caring, hell even beautiful once in awhile but these people are my friends. I can't help but blame myself...at least a little. I find myself saying if you just lost the weight, if you didn't cry at every animated movie, if you didn't flick off that guy that cut you off in traffic, if you didn't waste so much time dating the wrong people, if you weren't as successful, if you didn't like weird music or documentaries or talking about random articles on wikipedia, you would be that girl in front of the sunset.

But in truth most of these things I really don't want to change. Which makes me feel a bit destined for a life of being perpetually single. Am I too stubborn to change? Is there really room in my life for another person? Would I even give Mr. Right a chance? My honest answer is no. Even if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow I would probably dismiss him and not even know he was there in the first place. This is what makes me sad.

Labels: Alice, Beer, Birthdays, Depressed, Dreams, Drinking, Food, Friends, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work