Do you ever have one of those days where out of nowhere you totally loose you shit? Maybe its just me. Today started harmlessly enough. A drive back to Rochester, some dvr degrassi, chat with cobie.

Then the phone call from the parents and boom homesick. I've been trying to avoid the truth that all this economy bullshit is going to affect me and my master plan of getting the hell out of Rochester by spring 2010.

You know what I don't believe the stock market and housing market is going to bounce back in a few months and that makes me stuck here. Sorry Obama I know your great and all and I will vote for you, however I do not think you are magic. Yeah...I'm stuck. Trapped....Smothered and alone in Rochester freaking Minnesota.

So there I was bitching to my parents and after the switch to talking to my dad the blubbering started. I waannnaaa coooommmmmeee hoommme! Alice is moving and I'm going to be totally and utterly alone. My grandpa is dying....and I haven't even seen him since august. I'm a horrible granddaughter a horrible daughter, Ill never sell my house Ill be here forever with people that hunt and despise public transportation, they don't even have opera here...anyways I went on but you get the point.

This is pretty pathetic from a 27yr old whom has lived 300+ miles away for the last 9years of her life. You would think I'd be over it....but I'm not.

The Schaumburg house was mentioned...where I continue my blubbering of how i cant afford a 200K house that needs major overhauling (like new electric, and well interior everything). The fact I kinda always knew was confirmed I wouldn't have to pay for the house.

I guess this has been discussed with my grandmother and parents waaay more than I anticipated. Their plan is grandma would move in to them which would make it easier for them to take care of her. Grandma would keep the house (mostly for tax reasons to my benefit) I would pay "rent" which would basically cover the taxes and when the time came I would inherit it and do with it what I wanted.

I guess my grandma isn't crazy about releasing the house to developers that are just going to rip it down to build some schaumburgian mini-mansion and much rather it stay at least more or less physically there.

So its kinda a win-win-win

Its a good deal I admit. And considering the fact that at best I will only be able to rent my house out...and even if I did sell it with the decline in value there is no way I would have 20% left to put down on a car, let alone a new home. Being in Schaumburg is 1000X times better than here. Its only a 40minute train ride to the city where I can spend my weekends shacking up with Alice and Cobie.

But Ava what about your perfect condo in the city, drinks after work at the corner bar and walking your dogs with their coach collars and leash sets to the conveniently located dogpark where you would inevitably meet the man of your dreams and fall madly in love? (one hell of a run-on) I'm willing to let that go...quite easily in fact. You know what I like to do after work? sit and watch TV. This hardly requires and expensive condo in the city. You know what else I like having a fenced in yard for the dogs so I don't have to walk them. Its a luxury I've become quite accustomed to.

And I'm not getting any younger a weekend in Chicago already makes me feel like I'm 100 and quite frankly I don't fit in with the taxi-taking botox stiletto down-towners. I'm much better with the nordstrom rack suv suburbanites. Hey at least I would be within a 10minute drive to IKEA. There is also that whole kid thing. Much cheaper to ship them off to good suburban schools than pay for pricey private ones so they don't get shot.

Another Schaumburg bonus. No daily parental inquisitions. They are convinced my bubble headed ways will end with a phone call saying they have found my body in multilated and left in a dumpser, raped and being eaten by rats.

Here is the thing though..guilt. Yes my parents have been very generous with me but I have never been one of those kids. I hear about parents putting down payments on houses for their kids or worse yet buying them outright and I roll my eyes and think what a looser. Can't they just grow up and stand on their own two feet? I Miss Ava Mazur am Oh SO much better than them.

I'm headed down old maid spinster ally and my home and job and relative financial "success" is the only leg I have to stand on. So I have my pride. But I'm just not happy here. I know I'm truly not happy here because I love my new job. I love the people, I love being out in the hospital, I love that I'm actually getting to work on projects. But the moment I leave work I realize that's all I have which is really quite depressing.

Maybe its time I swallow that pride, it doesn't seem hardly worth hanging on to.

Labels: Alice, Chicago, Cobie, Depressed, Family, Glass Half Empty, Thoughts, Work