I had a good chat with JSP today. I've had similar chats with the voices in my head on numerous occasions but never quite got up the motivation to do anything about it.

I've realized I'm a friend snob.

Quite frankly I really believe that no one I ever meet can be as fun and wonderful as my current friends. Nope no matter how wonderfully fabulous they may be there is no way they can stack up to my "real" friends. Thusly I never really give them any real opportunity to move up from friendly-acquaintance to PJ's and tub of ice cream friends.

This doesn't mean I'm rude, if they call me I will hang out but I really never go through any effort to foster the relationships and sit pouting up on my pedestal home...alone. This is very inconvenient since I'm clumsy and prone to falling. I need friends around to call an ambulance in the event of such a topple, or laugh at me providing all of my parts are still functioning properly after the tumble.

This is not to say there is anything wrong with the people I've met in my zip code just the opposite they are fun I like them. However I seem to have lost the ability to open myself up. Part of it is paranoia. Which I believe has worsened since the big breakup. I over think. I don't call because I automatically think whoever I might be calling always has something better to do than hang out with me. This is of course not often true. In my un-statistical guess i would say 50% they are doing nothing and another 25% they are doing something I can tag-along with.

Still though the whole process is risky...making new friends is harder than dating. Fine dump me if I have a big ass or won't suck your toes. I can live with that. How do you handle sorry I don't want to be your friend...nope its not your looks...it's your personality...just sucks. I don't think I would take that well. Especially since my personality is the one glimmer of light which my fragile self-esteem teeters on.

All risks aside...I'm out of excuses. School is over, I have time...lots and lots of time. I'm not moving...economy sucks, and will for awhile. I can't wait to start my life anymore. For good or bad I'm in Rochester for the long haul. Instead of living like a vagrant, its time to paint my walls make some phone calls, stock the fridge and fire up the grill.

Labels: Friends, Glass Half Empty, JSP, Thoughts