Today was busy. I’m supposed to leave straight away after work tomorrow so I should have packed but that is left to be done.

After work I had an appointment with my therapist whom I started seeing when my life was a bit shambly after the break up. It’s not really necessary for me to go anymore but I like going it makes me learn more about myself and keeps me on track. Anyways it was an interesting session.

I was saying how I feel very unsettled in my life because I don’t feel like I have any goals and I’m drifting.

She brought up my going back to school and moving to Chicago wasn’t that a goal? Well yes and no I explained.

Me: Moving to Chicago isn’t a goal it’s simply planning for something irresponsible.

Her: Why is it irresponsible?

Me: Well because I have a great job here, I have plenty of career opportunity, I have a nice house, room for the dogs to run, a church I like. Here is where I should stay that’s the responsible thing to do.

Her: Well then why do you want to move?

Me: Well I don’t like it here. It’s to small, too bland and family oriented. I like Chicago because there is always so much to do, places to eat, public transportation to transport me, my family is there I miss my family, my friends are there or moving there, its my home its where I belong.

Her: Well then why do you think it’s irresponsible?

Me: Because I’m moving there for social reasons

Her: Whets wrong with that?

Me: Because it’s mushy and not a priority (I blurt out)

Whoa what the fuck? I sat back and suddenly realized how ass backwards that is and worst of all it is true. I do think moving to Chicago for friends and family somehow makes me weak, but says who besides me? Why do I think it’s so wrong to leave a place that makes me unhappy for someplace I love? All my life my big life decisions have been based on education or career opportunity. It’s scary. I don’t want to be that person who is 40 and has nothing to show for their life except for a good job and a nice car. I want friends, I want a family and I can do those things and have a job. My life is so out of balance I would say work and school take up about 85% of my physical and mental time. I guess I can deal with that for another year until I graduate but I guess I have to remind myself that that isn’t the way it should be.

Labels: Chicago, Ed, Thoughts