So I've always had a little bit of an obsession with Dear Abby. I like giving advice even if its bad advice. So I would request questions from all of my 2 loyal readers but to avoid the disappointment of having no one answer me I have decided to make up my own questions based on my stat counter search terms...which are not at all related to the content of my blog.

Today's search term "Ugly accept being alone" I imagine this persons question would go something like this...

Dear Ava,
I am a 37 year old female virgin. I have been single all my life. I weigh 300lbs, have long stringy hair which I cut myself and have a problem with acne...face and body. I don't believe in bathing as it upsets the earth god. In my spare time I read cat fancy magazine and follow men around the grocery store. How can I learn to accept that I will have to be a single parent to my 5 Persian cats?
-Catnipwhore in Ontario

Dear Catnipwhore-
It sounds like you need to invest in some proactive and a hooker. You need to get that virgin thing taken care of. Your weight can be used as an advantage download some Double-Stuffed Plumper's to get to love you body. Now we need to work on a little thing...I call crazy. Get an exorcism and take a shower (in whichever order you would like). Drown your cats and donate your magazine subscription to your local hospital's allergy department. Now your a decent enough human being and you can love yourself...even if you can't get anyone else to do it.

Labels: Advice